The Flow

by Effrosyni Moschoudi

  Sadly, the moment they called Aunt Leni and she got out, they knew Akis hadn’t turned up yet. The middle-aged woman’s eyes were swollen with tears. With every other word she spoke, she seemed to swallow down, rather than breathe in, the warm air in panicky gulps.

  “Don’t worry, Auntie, he’ll come home soon, I’m sure of it!” said Sofia.

  “Your grandparents are inside, Sofia, keeping me company. Do you kids want to join us?” She waved them all in, but the three shook their heads in response. At their age, they’d all rather do anything else but sit idly and wait.

  “Thanks Auntie but we’d rather keep looking. Has Uncle gone to look for him?”

  “Yes, Sofia mou. He’s rounded up some of his friends, and they’re looking everywhere by car, even in the nearby villages.”

  “Mrs Leni, we’ll go look around some more and will be back again later,” said Loula.

  The three youngsters walked away under the thankful gaze of Akis’s mother, whose tears had just started to run afresh.

  “So where do we go now? Any new ideas?” asked Loula when they stopped again at the square.

  “The only place we haven’t looked yet is the mountains,” said Sofia. “Do you think it’s worth it?”

  “Why not? Your uncle has got land there adjacent to your granddad’s, doesn’t he?”

  “Yes, olive groves. Do you think it’s worth going?”

  “Yes, of course. If you know where it is.”

  “Of course I do. I’ve been there many times. The view of the bay from up there is out of this world. My parents used to take me there when I was little, and my grandparents used to take me there too.”

  “Then lead on!” said Loula and they set off, with Jeff trailing along. Once they translated what their destination was, he became enthusiastic and on the way there, he made a joke about enriching his village experience on his last day. In response, Sofia gave him an astounding piece of information that made his huge grin freeze on his face. Having just been warned about the abundant snake population on Corfu, he was now seriously worried about crossing paths with an adder. The girls laughed his apprehension off, assuring him they’d use sticks to rake their path before them. This would make sure that any passing snake would have time to slither away before their feet got anywhere near its fangs.

  “Oh, great! That makes me feel better!” he said.

  When they got to the olive groves that once belonged to Sofia’s great-grandfather, the stunning sea view rewarded them for the hurried ascent, not to mention Jeff’s worry about seeing any snakes, but thankfully they hadn’t.

  Together, they sat in one line near the end of the precipice taking in the magnificent view of the bay.

  “Blimey! How can anyone have problems in this little piece of heaven? If I lived here, I’d be the happiest man in the world,” announced Jeff out of the blue, spreading out his arms to accentuate his admiration for the vista.

  “Everyone has problems, Jeff,” said Sofia, shrugging her shoulders.

  “Now what?” asked Loula.

  “You stupid boy, running away like that,” mumbled Sofia. It was all she could do to vent her frustration, seeing she had no ideas left.

  “I don’t think Akis came here,” piped up Jeff. “I mean, if he wanted to hide, where would he go? There’s nothing else but trees! Not even a hut, or a tall bush. Just olive trees. Olive trees, grass and adders. Which is not so bad, come to think of it. Imagine if it were the kind of mountain that had animal traps lying around or even caves. Caves with big bad bears in them! Now that would be a mountain to stay away from, although that one would have damn good hiding places for your cousin.”

  Jeff was clearly tired, fed up and frustrated by now, despite the stunning vista. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t stop himself from feeling increasingly annoyed. He was about to finish his rant with a brief announcement that he had a change of heart and was heading for a swim, when he heard Sofia next to him give a loud groan.

  In response, both he and Loula whipped their heads around to stare at her, mystified.

  “Of course!” she said, her eyes huge.

  “What is it?”

  “The cave! How stupid of me. Come on, I know where he is!” she said and, without waiting, started running further uphill, much to Jeff’s dismay.

  ***

  Sofia stopped a few feet before a large opening in a rock face, right at the edge of the umpteenth olive grove they’d come across along the upslope of the mountain. With a look of perfect concentration, she turned to the other two, a finger on her lips to ask them to be quiet. In a whisper, she suggested to them to stay there while she entered the crammed space inside.

  Jeff and Loula stared at her wide-eyed. Loula didn’t even know this cave existed. How does Sofia know this place? And what makes her think Akis is here? Loula and Jeff sat down on the cool grass under a large, gnarled olive tree. Without a word, they pinned their eyes on the rock face across from them. It seemed to boil in the sunshine.

  Sofia entered the cave and after a couple of steps she halted, waiting until her eyes adjusted to the darkness. She’d been there only once before. At the time, she was only twelve. It was Easter time and she remembered it well. That Easter, Sofia had visited Vassilaki with her parents. Akis’s family were planning to host lunch on the big day so they had got a young lamb in preparation. They had made a pen for it in an adjacent field and Akis fed it every day, treating it as a pet. As the days drew closer, he started to get increasingly upset, begging his parents not to kill the lamb. Of course his parents didn’t agree so he became very upset on Easter day, retiring to his room from the morning and refusing to eat.

  At lunch time, his mother went up to his room to bring him a plate of keftedakia, salata, and spanakopita, then left him alone with his grief for a good while. When she returned to check on him again later on, he was gone. He hadn’t even touched the food on his plate. Needless to say, this put a stop to everyone’s fun, as they all started to look for him, all over the village.

  In the end, just after sundown, his mother spotted him first walking slowly down the lane, his head hung low, heading back to the house. He never told anyone where he had been, except for Sofia. That same year, when she returned to Vassilaki in the summer, during a siesta break on a scorching July afternoon, giving in to her insistent questions, he took her by the hand while the adults slept and led her up the mountain side, to that very cave.

  This was his secret place, he had told her, and she had kept her promise not to tell. Well, not until today, anyway, but this was no longer a child’s game. This didn’t involve an Easter lamb. This was about a dead girl, the police and her beloved cousin in evident torture by his very own guilt. Surely he’d understand if she’d just shared his secret.

  After a few more moments where she tried to keep her breathing slow and calm, she started to make out shapes in the darkness. She looked down and saw the cave floor was strewn with animal droppings and olive tree branches, swept in by the fierce winter winds. She started to make her way forward with caution, now that she could half-see where she was going. Turning around a left bend, she found herself in a wide opening. At the far end, she saw a big shape shifting against the wall. Christ! What’s that? Please God, let it be Akis and not a wolf or a fox!

  “Sofia? Sofia is that you? My God, it is you!”

  “Akis!” she said with relief, when the dark shape shifted upwards, rising to her cousin’s full height.

  “You crazy boy, you had us all worried!” She ran to embrace him.

  He held her close, his eyes welling up with fresh tears. “I can’t believe you remembered . . . after all these years . . .”

  “We’ve all been worried sick. Loula and Jeff are waiting outside.”

  “You told them?”

  “I had to bring them with me; I was too scared to come up here on my own. Besides, they were worried too. We’ve been raking the village and the seashore up and down for hours! And poor Jeff, on his last day too! Your
mum is a mess! What were you thinking?”

  To all that, all Akis did was shake his head and wave his hands at her. He knew she was right. “I am so sorry . . .”

  She took his arm. “Come, come with me. Let’s go home!”

  “I don’t know, Sofia. I don’t feel ready yet.”

  “Do you realise you could get in trouble with the police? Are you crazy? It was stupid, this whole disappearing act!”

  “Sofia, my mind drew a blank. I panicked. I know it was stupid. I know that now. But when I saw the note, when I read Tracey’s last words . . . I don’t know . . . I came here, half-expecting to wind up jumping off the cliff. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “What? Are you crazy?”

  “She ended her life for me, Sofia! How am I going to live with that?”

  “It wasn’t your fault!”

  “Yesterday morning when she came to visit me at the bar, she said something that scared me. But I never acted upon it. The regret will torture me forever.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She said, ‘You won’t have to worry about me much longer.’”

  “What were you supposed to make of that?”

  “Don’t you see? She said ‘much longer’. She didn’t just say ‘any more’. It had a fine connotation to it if you think about it, or maybe it was the look in her eyes that made it so evident for me.”

  “You’re reading too much into it.”

  “Oh, yeah?” he said, taking the note out from his pocket. “Here you go. Read it for yourself and see what you think.”

  Sofia took it from his hands and beckoned to him to stay put. She walked away from him, reaching the entrance in a few seconds. As soon as the others saw her, they bolted upright, relieved to see her again. She gestured for them to sit back down saying she’d found Akis and he was okay, but he needed a few more minutes.

  Relieved beyond words, the youngsters obeyed. Sofia turned around, walked a couple of steps back in to get out of their line of sight, and stood to read the note in solitude, aided by the sunlight streaming in.

  To Akis Aspiotis – Bar Karavi, Vassilaki

  Dear Akis,

  By the time you read these lines, I will be gone. Please don’t judge me harshly and please don’t think this is your fault. I realise this is not the only choice I have before me. Many people back home told me to get over you, but as it happens, I simply refuse to have any other life than the one I dreamed with you.

  Since childhood, I have known all kinds of upset, and although I managed to brave some of my dreary experiences, others have crushed me beyond repair. To be frank, my upset over you is perhaps the tip of the iceberg, but I am too tired by now to deal with all that; this way out seems to me so much easier, and less painful.

  As I said to you earlier today, you won’t have to worry about me much longer . . . so please don’t. Have a good life but don’t forget me. I don’t think I would like that, whether alive or dead.

  I love you and always will,

  Tracey xxx

  Sofia folded the note in half and returned to Akis. He was sitting in the same corner as before and was about to stand when he saw her, but she gestured to him to stay. She slid down the wall and sat next to him on the cold cave floor in the semi-darkness, simply hoping there weren’t any animal droppings under her shorts.

  “You read the note?”

  “Yes. And you were right. She meant to warn you in a way. I stand corrected.”

  Akis lowered his head. “And now what? What do I do, Sofia? Just come out of the cave, head back home, pretending nothing happened?”

  “Exactly. You carry on with your life.”

  “You expect me to serve drinks tonight at the bar? In the same place where I misled Tracey?”

  “Akis, you’ve done nothing wrong.”

  “And yet, she’s dead. And yet, in case you haven’t noticed, that note is addressed to me!”

  Sofia put out a hand and patted his. He grabbed at her fingertips and smoothed them gently, then squeezed her hand in his. Neither of them felt like pulling their hand away.

  “Akis, you are not responsible. She made it clear for you, didn’t you read? It seems to me she’s had a hard life somehow. You weren’t all that she wanted to get away from. She basically handed you a get-out-of-jail card. And as it happens, this applies both literally and figuratively.”

  “The police?” he asked, panic colouring his voice.

  “Don’t worry. It’s a suicide because of a broken heart. There is no law that can get you in trouble for this.”

  “And what about my conscience, Sofia? When will that jailer let me out?”

  “Akis, this is only up to you. Only you can set yourself free from that. I hope you will choose to live without guilt.”

  “You want me to live as if nothing ever happened?”

  “Of course not. But we learn from our mistakes, Akis.”

  “And how do I face my family, my patrons, and the rest of the village? I dare say, the whole village must know by now.”

  “So, what? You didn’t kill Tracey, Akis. Yes, it’s a tragedy, and we all wish we could have saved her. But when it comes to pointing the finger, absolutely no one is to blame. What happened was her choice and her choice alone. Plenty of people break people’s hearts every day, Akis. Shall we arrest them all, put them in jail and throw away the key just in case someone becomes upset enough to take their own life?”

  “You’ve had your own heart burned to a crisp, Sofia. You should answer that question, not me.”

  “Well, since you mentioned it, I will tell you that just because I’ve been there, my advice should hold some weight. People hurt people every day in many ways, Akis. But if someone chooses to end their life as a result, it’s not the other person’s fault. It’s always the fault and the choice of the one who holds the gun, or the knife, or the sleeping pills, or whatever. Don’t you see? Had you known what she was going to do would you have been so careless with her?”

  “For St Spyridon’s sake, of course not! I swear to God!”

  Sofia squeezed his hand in hers again. “You don’t need to tell me. I know. It’s human nature. But just because we are not fortune tellers, this doesn’t make us killers.”

  “So I am to carry on serving drinks as if nothing happened?”

  “You don’t have to carry on serving drinks. How about choosing a new life? If you think the locals will judge you in any way, you don’t have to sit here and take it.”

  “I don’t?”

  “No, of course not. You are young. And being young, by default, gives you the divine right to stretch your wings and go find the life that suits you best.”

  “You’re right, Sofia. You’re so right.”

  “You’ve been hinting upon your endless summers at Karavi, haven’t you? How about you talk to your parents to hire some help and you do something else next year? Or start this winter even, when the summer season ends.”

  “You think so, Sofia mou?”

  “Yes, of course. I believe you should go ahead and do anything your heart desires.”

  “What do you think I should do?”

  “I don’t know . . . how about boarding a ship or travelling widely by train across Europe? You could do odd jobs here and there and see a bit of the world. Find out who you are and what you’re made of. The world is your oyster. Let your instinct guide you, Akis.”

  “Oh, I’d surely love to do that.”

  Chapter 28

  1939

  Everything that Susan had said was true; or at least, that’s how Laura perceived it when it came to seeing for herself. Lord Fenshaw welcomed her at Lakeview the following week as a changed man: all smiles, niceties and attentions. As for Charles, he seemed most grateful for his mother’s mediation. As he confessed to Laura privately during her visit, he had been dreading her anger and rejection, hence not daring to approach her himself in order to explain the true reason that had led him to let her go. Then, he assured her he still loved her and
wanted to take care of her and their child.

  Laura had visited the castle with her mind already made, so it was easy to take him back. She had no alternative but to marry him in order to grant her child a legitimate name. Nevertheless, she still found it impossible to love him because of all the things he’d caused her to lose.

  Their wedding took place in early April, and it was unavoidably fancy. A parade of aristocrats fleeted past Laura’s eyes on the day, and her only contribution to the large congregation were her very few friends: Maggie, Meg and Paul, as well as Ian from the Society.

  After a week’s stay at Fécamp in France, the newlyweds returned to Brighton to take up residence in their brand new home in the outskirts of town. It had been a wedding present from his lordship who had chosen it with his son in an attempt to redeem himself as best as he could. The two-floor luxurious mansion was right on the beach, and as they had expected, it pleased Laura immensely. She took to taking long walks along the shore every day and was surprised at Charles’s commitment to escort her on most days. He became particularly attentive as the days passed and her belly swelled all the more, reminding them both of the precious new life that now bound them together.

  One peaceful afternoon in early July, Laura was sitting in the front garden, reading. When Jen—her maid, who was also the cook—came to bring her a cup of tea, Laura sat up in her chair and felt a tugging pain in her gut. Then, to her horror, her waters broke. Jen stormed back in the house calling for help. Within minutes, James arrived to help her get in the car and drive her to hospital. Thankfully, he was home at the time, having left Charles in town to meet a perspective business associate only an hour earlier.

  Charles was notified immediately, and he rushed to his wife’s side full of excitement. His face was animated with unease as he paced up and down the corridor outside the operating theatre. At last, in the wee hours of the morning, a perfect baby boy opened its eyes to the world. They called him Frederick, to honour the memory of Charles’s paternal grandfather. Charles remembered him fondly as an old man with open arms and tender hands. He was always dressed impeccably but had never hesitated to sit on the carpet or out on the green to play with his grandson, even if it meant dirtying or creasing his clothes.