He mouths the word, “Stunning.”
I grin at him, and when Travis and I stop, Travis leans in to kiss my cheek. I notice his lips linger for a second longer than necessary and his hand squeezes my waist. I wonder if anybody notices.
The music continues playing and then everybody stands. Everybody who I pretended didn’t exist so I wouldn’t get too nervous.
It’s Shonda’s time to shine now and shine she does. I have never seen a bride glide so gracefully down the aisle like she is. She’s a vision and I tear up when I see my dad watching her. He’s so in love and it makes me so happy I can’t bear it.
Travis and I smile at each other again, his eyes sparkling with such depth of emotion that mirrors what I’m feeling inside, when my dad steps forward to take Shonda from her father, an elderly man with kind eyes. I’ve met Shonda’s parents once or twice, but they aren’t the most sociable beings and they don’t like me all that much.
Tears fall down my cheeks as they take their vows. There isn’t a dry eye in the house.
And then, finally, it’s over and we’re all cheering and heading to the dining area for food after some outside pictures and some glitter confetti.
Speeches are done, jokes are told, amazing food is eaten, wine is poured and drank, people laugh, people cry, the party starts and then as we’re dancing beside Shonda and Dad after their first dance, Travis leans in and whispers words in my ear he’ll never be able to take back.
“I love you.” He holds me tighter, not caring if anybody thinks it inappropriate. His cheek presses against my own. I can’t see his face. “I want to marry you. I’m gonna marry you.” He pushes me outwards gently and twirls me under his arm, likely to see my face and my reaction.
I immediately tug free, feeling my chest constrict at his admission, then the song ends and everybody claps. I don’t reply to him, I don’t look at him, I push through the crowd of dancers as another song begins and find Cella who is chatting up one of Travis’ older cousins. A thick strand of her straightened hair is being twisted around her finger.
“Are you busy?” I ask, gripping her shoulder, praying she sees my panic and says no.
“Raven.” Travis’ hand grabs my shoulder the same way I just grabbed Cella’s.
We’re a needle and thread away from being a human centipede.
Travis’ cousin bumps Travis’ fist, totally oblivious to the way we’re looking at each other right now.
“Raven, this is Keith, Travis’ cousin,” Cella says and Keith kisses my hand like a gentleman.
His hazel eyes hold mine in a rather inappropriate way.
“You should have invited me sooner, Travis,” Keith says, and his thumb strokes my palm. He reminds me a lot of Lake, tall, muscular, handsome, arrogant. Not my type anymore.
I pull my hand free and link it through Cella’s.
“Raven,” Travis pleads, ignoring his cousin.
“Not now, Trav, enjoy the party,” I appeal and look back at Cella who is finally clicking onto the fact that something is bothering me.
“We’ll be back, boys.” She looks at them both and leads me toward the terrace that overlooks the beach and ocean.
It’s as crowded as the inside and I’m annoyed when Travis follows us.
“Raven,” he repeats my name desperately.
“Travis, please.”
Cella stops us both and looks at him. “Give us space, Trav. Go mingle.”
“Fuck,” he curses under his breath. “If I’ve pushed you, or made you nervous… I didn’t mean right now, I meant one day, and you don’t have to say it back.”
Cella gives him a pointed look as I keep my panicked eyes on her face.
“Look at me,” Travis pleads, ignoring Cella. He grips my shoulder again and tries to turn me to face him. “I was in the moment. I don’t expect anything. Nothing has to change.”
My heart feels cracked and broken as what I’ll have to do now sinks in. “Not now, Travis.”
Cella holds my hand in hers and scans the area for people listening in. We’re to the side of the terrace in a dark corner so I doubt anyone knows we’re even here.
“Raven, just…”
“It’s the father and daughter dance in a minute, has anybody seen Raven?” Molly calls from the terrace doors.
“I have to go.” I brush past him, leaving him with Cella to join my father on the dance floor. I grab a glass of champagne as I pass and down it to help numb the ache in my chest so I can give my father every ounce of my attention.
He meets me halfway and hugs me drunkenly. He and Shonda are already shit-faced. It’s funny watching them let loose together.
“Did I tell you yet how beautiful you look?” He twirls me under his arm making me giggle.
“You did.”
“Well let me tell you again a thousand times while we dance.” He bows and holds out his hand at the exact moment the DJ announces the dance is starting.
I take it and follow him onto the dance floor with the other fathers and their daughters. It’s a varied performance of multiple ages and so cool to watch and partake in.
“You look so much like your mom,” he whispers gently and my heart soars. “I just want you to know that I won’t ever forget her and I’ll always love her dearly.”
“I know.”
“She was my first love after all.” He beams down at me. “Until you.”
“Love you too, Dad,” I reply, wondering why the men in my life chose our dances to relay heavy info on me.
When the song ends he bows to me and returns to his new bride.
I use this moment of sanctuary to exit the hall. Cella follows immediately after.
We take refuge outside in her car, not saying anything during the journey. It’s not until she lights up a cigarette between her plump, dark lips that she says anything at all.
“He told me.” She puts her hand on mine. “He’s totally fucking in love with you, Raven.”
I cross my arms on the dashboard and bury my face in them. “I’m totally fucking in love with him too, Cella.”
“What are you going to do?”
I turn my head to look at her in the dark and watch a plume of smoke exit her mouth and float through the open door on her side.
“Are you going to bail on us?”
I shake my head. “No. Chicks before dicks remember?” My lower lip trembles. “I’ve got the rest of my life to spend with a man. You guys… we only have a few years to have the times of our lives before adult life separates us.”
She flicks her cigarette away without finishing it and reaches over the console to hug me. “He’s just a guy. They come and go and there’s no guarantee he’ll still feel the same in a few months.”
I hold her just as tight.
“We’ll always be there. We always have been there.”
“I know,” I mutter. “But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
“Of course it doesn’t.” She pulls back and tucks my loose tendrils of hair behind my ears.
“This is so hard.”
Cella sighs, understanding in her eyes. “I feel you. Do you think we’re making a mistake leaving everyone behind?”
I shake my head and sit back, casting my gaze at the row of cars ahead of us. “No. I think if we don’t go we’ll always regret it.”
“It’s the saying goodbye that’s hardest but once we’re there, it’s going to be amazing.”
“I know you’re right. Doesn’t make it easier though. Why did he have to say it? I could almost pretend I didn’t feel it but I can’t pretend anymore that he doesn’t.” I chew on my lip before remembering the dark red lipstick that’s likely now smeared all over my teeth. “What if he tries to follow me?”
“He said that before, on the terrace.”
I shoot her a look. “What? He knows about—?”
“No, but he said to me he loves you so much he’s not letting you go. That he’d follow you to the ends of the earth and let’s be realistic, NYC is a lo
t closer than the end of the earth.”
I groan and face-plant my arms again. “He wouldn’t be so stupid. Stanford is his dream. NASA is his dream.”
“That’s what I said.” She puts another cigarette between her lips but doesn’t light it. “He said you were just scared and that he’d fix it.”
“What did you say?”
“It wasn’t my place to say anything, so I just pinched his cheek, called him cute, and left him on the terrace.”
That’s exactly Cella. If there was ever a reaction I’d expect that would be it. “This is killing me. I don’t know what to do.”
“Of course it’s killing you. You’re in love with him and he’s a really great guy. Why don’t you try long distance? Maybe he’ll go for that?”
I pout petulantly. “You know it’s not possible. Nearly a six-hour flight, and it costs too much money. I’d see him once a year, if that.”
She tries for a joke but it only makes me feel worse. “And think of all the really hot college guys you won’t get to play with if you go to college tied down.”
“I don’t want to play with anyone but Travis.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“So,” Molly says, appearing in Cella’s doorway. She takes the cigarette from Cella’s mouth and snaps it in half. Cella says nothing though her scowl says plenty. “What the fuck is going on? Why are you both hiding out here?”
“Travis told Raven he loves her.”
“Oh shit,” Bris says from beside me at my doorway. “This sounds like a vodka kind of conversation.”
“Yup.” I look at my friends. “But I’ve talked about it enough. Let’s deal with this tomorrow and go enjoy my dad’s wedding.”
“And Travis?” Cella asks with a raised brow.
“I’m just going to avoid him until my head’s in a better space.”
Molly nods and Bris helps me out of the car.
“What a shame,” Cella mutters, throwing her arm around my shoulder. “Your sex sounds so fucking hot.”
“If you’re breaking up with him, girl code only lasts six months and then I get a turn,” Bris jests and Molly shoves her to the side, making her stumble and scream.
When we are back inside in the dark room spinning with disco lights, we head straight to the buffet and eat our weight in food. I see Travis over by the bar in a conversation with my dad and my dad’s friends. He has a beer in his hand and is smiling and nodding at all the right times, but I can see how stressed he is from here.
As though he can feel me, his eyes meet mine and his frown deepens when I shake my head at him. For a moment I think he’s about to come to me regardless of my silent rejection, he doesn’t. His hand tightens on the bottle and he brings it to his lips.
I blow out a breath, down a shot that Cella hands me from a bottle she kept in her handbag, and put on a smile.
Travis and I can wait until tomorrow.
Two shots later I’m feeling that familiar buzz and the girls and I have commandeered the center of the dance floor with Shonda and her posse.
Everybody is drunk and happy and well-fed. It’s such a good night, until the bar staff find Cella’s alcohol and takes it away. Not that there was anything left.
The crowd boos them and we just keep on dancing.
Travis doesn’t dance.
He just takes me home when it’s time to go.
We don’t talk about what he said for the journey home, we just listen to the music in the cab and hold hands as though nothing bad happened between us.
He helps me inside, laughing when I stumble on my shoes, laughing again when I stumble on the stairs, groaning when I drag him into my bedroom, moaning when I pin him down and fuck him, sighing when I collapse beside him, whispering when he thinks I’m sleeping.
“Please don’t leave me.” Fingers pull my hair away from my face and tickle the soft skin of my neck, making the peach fuzz there quiver under his touch. He kisses my bare shoulder once and then stands to lock the door before climbing back into bed with me. Just in case the parentals decide to come back.
They don’t.
And in the morning, when I wake, they’re still not here and the bed beside me is empty.
I contemplate staying in my room all day to hide from him but I’m not that much of a coward and he deserves better from me.
I shower, scrub off my makeup, send a soppy text to the newlyweds and then, in yoga pants and a sports bra, I head downstairs ready to eat a quick breakfast and work out in the garage for a while. I’ve got a lot of pent-up stress that I need to release and I’m hoping this will delay the inevitable conversation for longer.
I should not have slept with him last night. That’s not fair on him. Especially not when I’m going to end things.
“Morning.” Travis is cheery, wearing a white T-shirt with a slogan hidden by Shonda’s pink apron. He’s in the middle of flipping a pancake that looks a little browner than it should.
“The griddle is too hot,” I explain, leaning around him to adjust the heat. He smells so good, so fresh and clean. He always does. He must have showered before I woke up.
He kisses my cheek when I’m in proximity and doesn’t say anything when I move away.
“Hungry?”
I shake my head. “Not for carbs. I’m going to work out.”
“You just showered.”
“Yeah,” I mutter stupidly while grabbing a water from the refrigerator. I don’t tell him I showered first to avoid him for longer, I don’t want to hurt him. “I wasn’t thinking. Rain check?”
His eyes linger on me as I pass but he doesn’t stop me and I’m so grateful. Every cell in my body is alive with nerves and fear. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt myself.
I work out until every limb of my body is so sore, I can hardly move, and when I return, I notice that he must have stopped cooking breakfast and didn’t eat a bite. Now I feel even worse. The workout fixed nothing. I feel cheated.
I have another shower.
My heart is racing when I exit the bathroom in my robe and it hits my rib cage painfully when I find him in my room, sitting on the side of the bed with his head slumped.
I want to comfort him and tell him that everything is going to be okay but it’s not. I can’t lie to him anymore.
“I pushed you too soon, didn’t I?” He doesn’t look up and my heart cracks. “I never should have said it. I’ve been thinking about saying it for days… weeks… and Preston told me not to say it. He said it would scare you away, but I was so sure…” His eyes come to mine and they’re shimmering. Is he on the verge of tears? I hope not. Please don’t cry. “I was so sure you felt the same.”
I do! I want to scream it at him but what’s the point? Telling him this and then leaving him would only give him false hope. Then there’s the fact he might follow me. I can’t have that.
His future is set. My future is set. Our paths aren’t merged anymore.
“Can I take it back?” he asks quietly, looking at me with those shimmering, sad, hazel eyes that I adore so deeply in my very soul. “Can I retract it and you pretend like it didn’t ever happen?”
I stand mute. I don’t know what to say as he looks at me for answers, with hope in the very eyes that have me all torn up inside.
“We could just return to how we were before I said it?”
“We can’t,” I reply and his lips part. “It was never supposed to be a love thing, Travis.”
“Says who?”
I lick my dry lips. “We can’t be together. Our parents just got married. We’re heading to college soon.”
“So? They’ll get over it, and college isn’t an obstacle, not really.”
I look at my feet on the rug and fold my arms across my chest. “I’m sorry, Travis.”
“Sorry?”
“I shouldn’t have had sex with you last night. I was drunk and—”
“That’s bullshit!” He stands, his eyes flaming with anger. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Act like you regret anything with me.”
I hesitate, trying to organize my words and keep tears at bay at the same time. “I don’t regret anything but hurting you.”
“You’re not hurt by this?” His breathing is choppy as he fights for composure.
“It’s for the best, Travis.”
“For the best?”
Fuck. This is so hard.
I level him with a look that I hope is firm and unyielding. “It was never supposed to go past prom.” He opens his mouth but I keep going. “I should have been clearer. We were just screwing around! Just having fun! Why’d you have to go and make it about love?”
“I didn’t realize I was supposed to dehumanize you and treat you like a God damn object!” he shouts, ripping a hand through his tame hair, making it wild and disheveled. His eyes strike a hazel fire so intense I almost shy away. “I’m in love with you, Raven.”
He can’t be in love with me. This is all wrong.
He takes a step toward me.
“Travis,” I start and hold up my hand to stop him from approaching.
“I’m in love with you. I love you. Tell me you don’t feel the same way.”
I’m going to throw up. I’m going to cry. This isn’t right. This isn’t fucking fair. We have our goals. We have our plan. Why is he saying this now? I can’t change anything, I never could anyway.
“Say it, Raven! Say there’s no hope for us. Tell me I don’t mean anything to you. Tell me what we have means nothing!” He’s panting, he’s angry, but most of all he’s scared. I can see it in his eyes and it’s destroying me.
I turn away from him and the intensity in his eyes, wondering how to approach this.
“If this is about college, we’ll commute, or we’ll go somewhere we can both attend! I don’t care where I go, Raven.” His face crumples and my heart with it. “I just want to be with you.”
He’ll regret it for the rest of his life. I’m not that selfish, even though I want him to. I want him to follow me to NYC and study there but that’s not what will bring him joy. It’s not what he needs. There’s no guarantee our love will last the four years. I’m naïve but not that naïve. I’m selfish but I’m not that selfish.
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