Stepdork

by Murphy, A. E.

  I want to cry so badly.

  “Talk to me,” he begs, reaching for me but I sidestep out of the way. “SAY SOMETHING!”

  “I DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE THAT!” I shout back just as loud, feeling panicked and irrational as my brain fights to unscramble the scramble. “It’s over, Travis.”

  “Over?” If I thought he couldn’t look any more heartbroken I was totally wrong. “What?”

  My prior bravado is gone, my energy spent. I want more than anything to tell him it doesn’t matter, tell him I’m sorry, curl up in his arms and forget the world for a while. He has the power to do that, to make me forget. “You heard me.”

  “I guess I just don’t understand.”

  “It’s too serious, Travis. I’m not ready for any of this. College is a huge step on its own without the baggage of having to keep you happy in the meantime.”

  That was a terrible way to word it. Fuck.

  I shouldn’t have said that.

  He falters. “Too serious? Baggage? I don’t expect anything from you. You don’t have to say it back. That’s not why I—”

  “Please… just stop. It’s done. I’m sorry, Trav. I need to go.” I brush past him, feeling nauseous. I need space to process this.

  “Raven!” he shouts as I race down the stairs and pull open the front door. “Raven, wait…”

  Of course he follows me out of the house despite my need for distance between us. I’m saying the wrong things. This was supposed to spare him hurt and instead it’s making him feel worse. It’s making me feel worse.

  I power on ahead and realize when I hit the warm asphalt of the communal basketball courts, which are empty thankfully, that I’m not wearing any shoes. How does one forget their shoes?

  He grabs my arm to stop me, but I turn on him. Angry, annoyed, but not with him, with myself. Also a little bit with him for being so fucking stupid as to fall in love with me at the end of senior year.

  Who does that?

  “Stop,” I shout, startling him.

  His hazel eyes soften with confusion and sadness. “You don’t have to say it back.”

  “Good because I’m not going to!” I shout, ripping a hand through my hair. My fingers snag on the knots causing my scalp to ache with pain. I growl as I try to pull them free and pace back and forth a little while breathing through my nose.

  “Calm down,” he commands softly and tries to reach for me but I lurch away like before. “Talk to me.”

  I want to cry so badly.

  “Talk to me,” he begs. “What did I do? Tell me so I can fix it.”

  This isn’t going as I hoped it would. I was hoping we could break up now but still stay friends when gone. That’s not going to happen, I can feel it. I’ve screwed everything up. He’s going to think it’s him and it’s not him, it’s me. I’m terrified he’ll give up everything for me and hate me forever. I’m petrified he’ll give me the promise of long distance and then leave me for another woman.

  I’m scared of making the same promise to him then falling in love with somebody else and hurting him. It happens. Nobody goes into a relationship thinking it’ll end that way.

  I should tell him this, I should sit him down and talk to him but he’ll push and push and in the end it’ll all fuck up anyway. It’s better this way, to end it now. It’s better. I know it is.

  “If this is about what college you’re going to attend or something, I said we’ll fi—"

  “It’s not about college, Travis. I already know where I’m going to fucking college, okay? I’ve already been accepted.”

  He stiffens with surprise. “You haven’t said anything.”

  “Because…” I inhale sharply and that lump in my throat rises higher. “Because I didn’t want to upset anyone before the wedding.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  I look up at the blue sky and swallow the lump and pray my tears dry before I look at him again. “I’m going to NYC with the girls, Trav.”

  His face crumples the second he figures out the geography of that one. His lips part and his frown returns, deeper and more confused than I’ve ever seen it. “Then I’ll come with you. It’s not a big deal.”

  “No, you’re not. That’s… it’s just…” What the fuck do I say? “You’re not invited.”

  “I’m not invited? But I’m your boyfriend?” He looks pale and dazed. My heart is breaking.

  “You’re not my boyfriend. We’re not together.”

  “We’re not together? As in we never were or we no longer are?”

  I shrug. “Never were. No longer are. Same difference.”

  He inhales sharply at my words. “We never were? So what the hell has been happening between us? Was it just sex?”

  “Travis…”

  “No, I don’t believe it. Nobody gets me like you do. I love you. I can’t just stop loving you. It’s not a switch I can flick.”

  “And I can’t just start loving you!” Because I already started. Long ago. I just didn’t realize it until it was too late. So now I must be the mature one. Now I have to be the martyr.

  He looks as nauseous as I feel as we both stare at each other, longing and sadness mirrored. “You’re kidding. We’re good together.” His eyes scan my face and his chest rises and falls with each heavy, sharp breath. I wonder if he’s on the verge of a panic attack. I know I am. “We don’t argue. We don’t fight. We like the same things. We keep each other grounded.” When I don’t reply because I don’t know how, he grips my biceps gently. “We make each other happy. Don’t we?”

  “Of course, we do,” I reply because I’m not denying that one. “But we’re not meant to be together forever. I’m sorry, Travis, I thought you knew what this was.”

  “I don’t have a fucking clue what this is, Raven. Why don’t you fill me in seeing as I’m so fucking clueless?”

  “It’s just a senior fling, Trav,” I say, and I visibly see his heart break in the depths of his guarded hazel eyes. “It was never supposed to go beyond prom.”

  “You don’t love me?”

  I shake my head, praying I don’t vomit all over my sock-clad feet.

  “Not even a little bit?” He sounds so fucking broken. If he cries, I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I can’t even look at him, just imagining his face right now is painful enough without the visual to burn to memory.

  “I’m sorry.” If only he knew what I was sorry for and how sorry I am. “I never should have let it go this far.”

  This is all my fault. I should have been honest sooner.

  “You don’t love me?” He’s panting loud enough for me to hear. “Say you don’t love me.”

  “I don’t love you like that. I care about you, but we’ve both got different paths now. You’re going to Stanford, I’m going to NYC. We’ll be on opposite ends of the map. It was always supposed to be this way. You knew it couldn’t carry on.”

  “We never discussed it so how was I supposed to know anything?”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry for that. But that doesn’t mean it’s changing.”

  We stare at each other, both of us guarded and hurt because of me and my choices.

  “Senior fling,” he mutters finally, looking at his own sock-clad feet. “You’re serious? You’re breaking up with me?”

  I nod sadly. “It’s for the best. You’ll see. This way we can stay friends. Can’t we? If we try, I mean.”

  “I… but it… I… fuck.” He turns slowly and stalks back to the house.

  “Travis,” I yell after him. I should let him go, no good will come out of following him. Nothing is changing. But I can’t let go, not yet. I also need my shoes. “Travis, please.”

  I’m surprised to see Shonda and Dad are back, their car is in the driveway parked to the side. This isn’t good. They shouldn’t be home. They should be in post-wedding bliss.

  He enters the house, slamming the door in my face but doesn’t lock it so I open it and immediately yank on my shoes before I forget. The la
ces remain untied. I don’t have time for that right now.

  “What the hell is going on?” Dad asks, frowning at us both when he exits the den. “Why the fuck are you both arguing now? Of all times?” He takes one look at Travis’ face and his stern expression becomes one of worry as does his tone. “What’s going on?”

  I plead mentally with Travis, praying he doesn’t say anything. Of course he’s not going to be so kind. I don’t deserve it.

  Shonda meets us in the hall, her eyes jumping between the two of us. “What is it?”

  “Seeing as she’s too much of a coward to tell you, I will.”

  My heart stops and my throat goes dry. Is he going to tell them about us?

  “Please,” I beg him on a whisper. “Let me do it myself.”

  He glares at me and his lips curve with a sneer. He’s nailing me where it hurts, and I deserve it.

  “She’s moving to New York, as in the actual city, and that’s where she’s going to college. From the sounds of it, it has been planned a while. Except she was too fucking self-centered to say a God damn thing.” On that final note of disdain, he stomps up the stairs leaving me to face my father who is staring at me as though I’ve grown a third arm and it just reached out and slapped him.

  “Please tell me you’re joking?” he asks and shrugs Shonda off when she places her hand on his shoulder.

  “It has a really great psychology course,” I respond softly. “It’s a great college, Dad. I’m going with the girls and…”

  “You’re going with the girls? So, they all know?”

  I nod. “We’re getting an apartment together, we’re working on finding jobs…”

  “Absolutely not,” he snaps, folding his arms over his chest. “You’re not going that far. No way. No.”

  “Maxen,” Shonda whispers soothingly and reaches for him again.

  “Are you so selfish that you didn’t consider what we wanted?”

  I look away sadly. “This wasn’t about you.”

  “No, because it’s all about you!”

  “It’s a great school, Dad. It’s an amazing city. I want to travel and experience life. I want to get out of the town where Mom killed herself and everybody is just waiting for me to do the same.”

  He slams the side of his fist against the wall making both Shonda and me jump. “Don’t you dare use your mother as an excuse. Don’t you dare.”

  “Dad,” I try but he shakes his head and gives me a look that tells me now is not the time. “Please.”

  “New York… fucking New York?”

  “I know it’s far, but I’ll come back every winter break. I promise.”

  His heart breaks as hard as Travis’ did and my body starts to tremble from the sorrow. “Just at Christmas? I’ll only get to see you once a year? What the hell, Raven? Doesn’t this family mean anything to you?”

  “It means everything to me,” I reply. “But I’ll have my entire life to live nearby and have the kids and the partner, and the lack of social life. It’s only a few years.”

  Dad looks at me as though he can’t believe what he’s hearing. This is so hard. How many more hearts do I have to break today? Is God not satisfied with me wrecking my own?

  “Do what you want, Raven,” he mutters, stomping past me the same way Travis did.

  Tears fall from my eyes as he ascends the stairs and then tears fall faster when Shonda shakes her head at me just like Dad did.

  “Couldn’t get any further away from us, huh?” she whispers taking it to heart too.

  Of course they would. I always knew they would. This pain was always inevitable.

  Bris’ family reacted the same way but they got over it. Hopefully mine will forgive me too.

  Raven: They all know. :’-( It’s not good.

  Cella: Fuck. Babe. What happened to waiting?

  Raven: Travis told me he’s in love with me. It couldn’t wait.

  Cella: Fuck. Babe…

  Raven: Yeah. It’s all gone to shit.

  Cella: Need us?

  Raven: I don’t know. Everything is so messed up. Can you bring the scrapbook? Maybe if I have that to show them, they might understand why I want to go?

  I contemplate who to go to first now that I’m alone. Who will help make me feel better? But then I realize how selfish that is. I don’t deserve to feel better. They need to feel better.

  Cella will cheer me up but she won’t heal me. The only people who can heal me are my family who I’ve hurt so badly they might never speak to me again.

  I ascend the stairs, bracing myself for impact. Dad will probably keep shouting at me and that’s okay. At least if he’s shouting at me he still loves me.

  I can’t even be mad at Travis for telling them. I’ve hurt him so badly.

  I’m about to knock on his door but I chicken out and head to my own room. I should let them all cool down first.

  Cella drops off the scrapbook and my girls promise they will be close by if I need them.

  By now my dad and Shonda are back downstairs but they’re both completely silent. Travis hasn’t left his room at all.

  Cradling the scrapbook to my chest I enter the kitchen where Dad is standing at the open back door and Shonda is organizing the refrigerator contents.

  “Dad,” I say softly, and he looks at me over his shoulder with sad, swollen eyes and I wonder if he’s been crying. “Cella just dropped this off. It’s our Bites of the Big Apple list.”

  I place it on the counter and eye him warily as he approaches.

  I open the first page which is the list of rules.

  Things like:

  Never go to parties without one of your bitches

  Never leave a party without your bitches

  No visitors or noise when one of your bitches are studying

  Chores are done together.

  Keep your room fucking clean, you skank.

  We had a lot of fun with the rules but we intend to follow them.

  He flips the heavy pages over and looks at the apartment we should have, the map of where we’re living, the list of foods to try, places to go, celebrity apartments to knock on. His face remains expressionless and his lips thin to a white line.

  When he reaches the end, he closes the book and lets his head hang as his fingers splay on the sparkly counter.

  “My decision has nothing to do with you guys,” I say quietly. “Or my happiness here. I love it here.”

  “I don’t have anything else to say to you,” my dad mutters, staring at the scrapbook between his hands. “I hope your decision makes you all happy.”

  “Dad,” I try but he raises his hand. “It’ll fly by. You’ll be so proud of me when you see me graduate.”

  “And we can’t change your mind?” Shonda asks.

  I shake my head. “I really want to do this. It’s not like I can’t go elsewhere if it doesn’t work out. It’s not like I can’t come home, right?”

  My dad looks at me as though I’m crazy, then he rounds the counter and hugs me so hard I have to hold my breath. “Your home will always be with me. Always. No matter how old you get, how far away you live.”

  “You don’t hate me?”

  “I’m so fucking proud of you, kid. So proud. You’re going to school, you’re gonna get a good job and you’re gonna take the world by fucking storm. I just wish I’d be around to see it.”

  My tears soak the front of his shirt. “I’ll update you all of the time.”

  “The city is so dangerous,” he whispers. “So dangerous.”

  “We won’t be going anywhere alone at any time, Dad. We’re planning on taking self-defense classes this summer too.”

  “I want you to learn how to shoot,” he states, pulling back. “I want you to learn everything you need to keep yourself safe when I’m not there.”

  “I’ll find something local,” Shonda mutters and opens her phone.

  My dad’s eyes shimmer with unshed tears. “You understand you’ll never have me to fix a dripping faucet? Or
a broken dryer? Shonda won’t be able to do your laundry and make you meals when you’ve been living off ramen noodles for a month straight. It’s going to be so hard without us.”

  “I know.”

  “It’s not going to be the same without you, kid.”

  Shonda nods her agreement and her eyes go back to her phone.

  I wipe my tears on a paper towel and hug my dad again, squishing my cheek against the damp patch my tears created.

  “You’re just going to let her go?” Travis asks harshly from the kitchen doorway. We all turn to look at him but his eyes stay on my dad. “Just like that? You’re going to let her move three thousand miles away? To one of the most dangerous cities in the world? To one of the most expensive? Alone?”

  “Travis,” Shonda says softly.

  “If you leave, I’ll never forgive you.” He looks at me, stares at me, his eyes hollow and blank. When he doesn’t get the answer he’s hoping for he turns and stalks out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

  “He’ll come around,” Shonda assures me but I don’t think he will.

  “I doubt it. I really upset him.”

  “He’s just worried about his sister,” Dad tells me. “You’re very close now and he just lost his dad too.”

  I don’t say anything else about that. The last thing they need right now is to worry about Travis and me. Especially now that our relationship is over. He’ll never forgive me for hurting him and what’s the point anyway? I’m moving away.

  Maybe I should ask him to come with me? But where would that lead? To his unhappiness and my need to please him because he gave up the chance of a lifetime for me?

  I call my girls to give me the strength I need to go through with this and sure enough they turn up minutes later and sit down with my dad and Shonda to put him out of his misery and reassure him that we really have thought this through.

  The talk is long, but it’s a good one and they leave with high spirits and in the good graces of the parentals.

  Travis doesn’t come home at all, not even by midnight. Though the parentals aren’t worried so I assume he’s told them where he is.