I fought to reach the surface, but the water held me under. We were balloons in a pool of lead. Shocked and afraid, I gulped in a mouthful of water, my hair cascading in front of my face. The heaviness of my failure drowning us with the water. The little girl’s dimpled hand tangled in the dark strands of my hair, brushing it away, and as if sensing my regret and wanting to absolve me, she smiled. I held tight as her body jerked and grew limp. Her brief and perfect life – over – thrust into a never-ending darkness.
I woke sucking in air. My chest heaved and fell. Wiping at the thin trail of sweat coating my neck, I reinstated myself back into reality. I might’ve left the chill of the deadly water far behind in my dreams, but I couldn’t remove the vision of the dimple-faced little girl; sweet, round…gone.
*****
I read through the news articles to find clues on how to save her. Her grandfather was doing a last-minute favour for his daughter, but still trying to get work done. My guess was he wasn’t used to having kids in the house and forgot the outside doors weren’t locked. If his daughter made the suggestion to take his granddaughter for a walk he would’ve locked the house up and been elsewhere when the call came in. It might be enough to prevent the tragedy.
It did, and she was saved. In my dreams at least…
Seeing the revised outcome brought solace that made me sleep contentedly right through until midday rays broke through my blinds. I woke to familiar, yet unexpected voices at the bottom of the stairs. A smile formed on my lips and I was immediately awake.
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and bound down the stairs to a barrage of hugs, kisses and teasing about sleeping in so late from Granny Tess and Pop.
‘So, what’s new?’ Pop asked as he released me from his tight hold.
‘She’s got a boyfriend,’ Ollie said, hurtling down the stairs and barrelling into Pop.
‘Has she now.’ Pop raised an eyebrow. ‘And what about you, Ollie boy? Any young ladies I should know about?’
‘Nope.’
Pop lowered his voice. ‘Any I shouldn’t know about?’ He winked.
‘None of them, either, Pop,’ Ollie said, ducking into the kitchen to grab a glass of orange juice.
‘So, things are going well with…’ Granny Tess faltered.
‘Tyler is lovely,’ Mum piped up. He’d come around the night before, and Mum and Dad both agreed he was lovely – Mum’s words – and a great kid – Dad’s words.
I turned to Pop, unsure if Granny Tess had filled him in after our phone call. ‘He goes to my school, we do Geography together.’
‘Is that what you’re calling it these days, back in my day we called it–’
‘Granny Tess! Don’t you dare.’ I waggled my finger at her. I didn’t want to hear any such words leave her mouth. ‘You’re worse than Jake.’ She stifled a laugh, and warmth tingled my cheeks as I darted out a friendly glare.
‘Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.’
‘I know, you never can. But it’s only been two weeks, so yes, it’s just Geography.’
‘Mmm, if you say so.’ Granny Tess lifted her teacup to her lips.
I rolled my eyes and stepped around her to make myself a coffee. ‘I didn’t know you guys were visiting today.’ I shot a questioning look at Mum, she’d normally have told us.
‘Don’t look at me, I didn’t either.’
‘It was a last-minute decision,’ Pop said, scraping out a chair at the table.
‘We came as soon as Edna was able to put some of her cookies in a container for me to go.’
‘Mum, that’s not why you go to church,’ Dad scolded.
‘It sure is. I certainly don’t go for the God they preach about.’
‘That’s so bad.’ I laughed, and Mum brought her mug to her lips covering her own snicker.
‘No, it’s not. Church is so much more than that, it’s the spiritual connection, the community. And if going for the friends, and the cakes, gets me there, there’s nothing bad about that.’ She arranged the hijacked biscuits onto a plate and carried them to the table.
She sat beside me and when everyone’s chatter grew louder she leaned in and patted my knee. ‘You doing all right?’ I should be asking her, she’d just lost a friend, but the reassurance she provided by asking felt like sprinkles on top of Tyler’s layer of icing.
I offered a genuinely contented smile. ‘Yeah, I’m doing all right.’ The nightmares left a sour taste in my mouth, but it was bearable when I could swallow it down with a dose of their sweet affection. It would take a true disaster to rob me of this feeling; that I was the luckiest girl alive, finally happy regardless of the desolation my dreams brought me.
— 20 —
Early morning sunlight peeked through the trees and kissed the frosted grass on the soccer pitch as we huddled on the sidelines, trying to keep warm. I’d travelled into Mayfield earlier with Amber and Max for the boys’ fifth soccer match of the new school term. None of the boy’s parents joined us; they’d watched plenty before, so the cheering responsibilities fell solely on our cold, stiff shoulders.
May, with its sun-burnt leaves and quiet crisp nights, had drawn to a satisfying end as it made way for the grey and chilly winter ahead. It had been a month of some of the happiest days in my life, but all seasons come to an end, and this one was no different.
In the five weeks since we’d been back at school, I’d spent each Thursday night watching the boys at soccer practice. I’d never been a fan of the game, even though I’d sat through plenty of matches over the years, but now, well, it’d grown on me.
My life had become akin to the dreams I’d always wished to trade my nightmarish ones into – pleasant, fun and full of vitality, the good kind. The nightmares continued, my latest ones being a gruesome farming accident, a toddler on a bike in a driveway, and a very public scuba diving accident in far north Queensland, where a reputable and well-known instructor lost his life. I’d learnt to live contentedly alongside the grief, and I walked through my days with an unfamiliar calm. How easy it’d been to fall into this new way of living, this new version of a happier me.
‘Hey, Eric, you’re out of bed, someone pinch me.’ Cal jabbed his teammate as Sean punched Cal in the arm. Eric was the dodgy spare wheel of the team, the one you found flat in the boot of the car when you went to use it.
‘Sean bet me I wouldn’t make it this early, I needed the money,’ he said with a yawn.
Sean slapped a ten in Eric’s hand.
‘Right, Cal, you’re on the bench for the first half. I want to save you for the comeback,’ Mr Jeffers said, patting him on the back. ‘Alex, you’re off too.’
Cal motioned for Amber to meet him at the sideline. He pushed her hair aside and whispered something in her ear. She returned for her backpack and jogged back to him.
The game started, and she popped some tablets from their foil casing into Cal’s palm. He downed them with a big chug of water, kissed Amber, and sat on the bench.
‘He all right?’ I asked as Amber lowered herself beside us.
‘Yeah, just a headache. I think that knock yesterday was worse than he’s letting on.’ Cal had been knocked out during PE the day before, an accident involving a high-jump mat, or lack-there-of, and the gym floor. Tyler had relayed the incident to me after school, but it was more a hilarity than a mishap, like most things with teenage boys.
‘Should he be playing today?’ I asked, frowning in Cal’s direction where he sat jiggling his legs from the cold. He looked like he needed to use the bathroom.
‘Like that’d stop him. I’d like to see you suggest he sit this one out.’ Amber laughed, fog escaping from her cold lips.
The small crowd erupted with stunted early morning cheers; Mayfield High had scored. Cal’s hands balled at his sides, hating the inadequacy of sitting on the sidelines, but fortunately for the team, his momentum was building – they wouldn’t be able to hold him back when he finally got onto the field.
‘Yeah, nah, think I’ll keep that
thought to myself.’ I rubbed my gloved hands together and brought them to my lips.
At half time, our hands had warmed up enough to eat some of the apricot and almond muffins Amber had been urged to bring by Laurie. I savoured the taste of the moist cake on my tongue and cursed myself for not thinking to bring a coffee.
It didn’t take long into the second half for the excitement and heat of the game to thaw the pitch – and our noses. Cal now joined Sean and Tyler on the field, giving the team a new burst of energy. The intensity of our cheers increased, and within a few minutes Tyler booted a kick-ass goal, evening the score. We jumped up, screamed madly, made a bit of a scene, and gracefully sat down again. I caught a beam from Tyler, apparent delight to be proving his weight with his new team. I whooped again and sent a huge grin dancing his way.
By that point it was game-on – even scores meant even determination to gain the lead. I could smell the testosterone in the air.
Cal raced toward the goal and hit the ball off his forehead, hard. The ball sailed into the goal, while in the same instant his temple collided with the head of a player from the opposing team who’d been running just as fiercely. They both crumpled to the ground, and my hand impulsively reached for Amber’s, while the crowd cheered. I held my breath.
The player from the other team eased himself up, but Cal stayed motionless, a huddle of player’s bouncing around him, waving their hands above their heads. The piercing shrill of the referee’s whistle slashed against my ribcage. Amber’s fingers pinched around mine. The cheers subsided and a quiet murmuring fell over the crowd. Coach Jeffers rushed onto the field. My heart stopped, frozen with fear.
Barely able to see him through the bodies gathering around, Amber and I stood, but he was so far away and unreachable he may as well have been on the moon.
The scene played out, and a dizzying numbness crawled over my skin, distant voices garbled and the world around me fell silent. I wasn’t in a dream and yet I felt the same as if I was – useless. So accustomed to my usual position of watch and observe, my feet were fixed firmly to the ground, so when Amber started to move forward, I squeezed her hand tighter and pulled her back. ‘Should we stay over here out the way?’
‘I can’t,’ she said, and I followed her lead, her hand still in mine. Max followed close behind and half running, half too damn scared to get any closer, we shoved our way through the thick crowd swallowing Cal. The throng parted and we caught a glimpse of him again.
‘Oh my God, he’s not moving.’ Max sucked in a breath.
Amber clutched my fingers like she held a grenade about to explode, and my heart beat a fast, dull thud behind my tightening chest.
We inched closer to the centre. Cal lay on his back, arms to his side, lifeless on the grass. I caught the looks on the faces around me, but the fear in their eyes only confirmed my own panic.
Tears stung the back of my eyes, and I blinked them away.
Tyler rushed to my side, enclosed me in his strong arms and spoke reassuring words into my hair. Amber’s hand no longer sat in mine; she kneeled in the grass beside Cal.
Shivers travelled to my neck at the sound of a siren, far off in the distance. It grew louder as it inched closer and filled the chilly air.
‘What should we do?’ Max asked, panic overriding her normally calm exterior. ‘Should we call Marie or Harry?’
‘Marie’s working today, she’s on with Mum,’ I answered. ‘Oh God, we need to get there and warn them before she sees him.’
‘I’ve called Jake.’ Sean fiddled with his phone. ‘He’s heading round to find Harry. Amber, if you drive Cal’s car to the hospital, we’ll wait until he’s on his way, then meet you all there.’
‘Do you have to finish the game?’ Max asked.
‘That’s a joke, right?’ Sean said. ‘We’ll be right behind you.’
I nuzzled into Tyler’s side, and he silently kissed the top of my head. I swallowed the lump in my throat, blinked heavily to clear my eyes, and then let him go as I left with the girls.
The familiarity of the clean, crisp, disinfectant smell wafted toward me as the hospital doors slid open, but I stood dangerously close to the edge of disaster for it to be of any comfort today. Unsure of what lay ahead, a shuddering spread over my body. I stepped onto the thin maroon carpet of the hospital foyer.
I spotted Mum almost immediately, and her sixth sense as a mother knew straight away something was gravely wrong.
She strode across the room, her steps gathering speed, eyes darting from me, to the girls, and back to me, raw, unfamiliar terror in her eyes. She grabbed me by the arms. ‘What is it?’
‘Cal,’ I choked out. ‘The ambulance is on its way. He’s not moving, Mum, I’m so scared.’
She wrapped her arms around me, and Max blurted out the details.
‘Mum, where’s Marie? We need to tell her before they arrive.’
‘I’ll go find her. It might be best if you girls stay here until she knows.’ She squeezed my arm and hurried down the wide corridor. We collapsed into chairs lining the white walls at the entrance, momentarily able to catch our breath but still unable to breathe easily. I clutched my head in my hands and closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry, not yet, not here. This couldn’t be happening. Please, someone, wake me up from this god-awful nightmare.
I shifted my head toward the spine-tingling blare of sirens at the other end of the hospital. Cal had arrived. I caught sight of Marie, the mum, not the nurse, as she ran full pelt back along the corridor. She sprinted toward us, anguish and panic all over her face, and turned sharply to head down an identical corridor.
We waited in those seats for what felt like hours, and once Sean and Tyler joined us we migrated to the chairs in the wide corridor outside the emergency department. I jumped out of my seat when Jake and Harry burst through the doors. Harry’s wide eyes barely rested on us before marching around the half wall and into the ER.
I paced the small area, unable to sit still and wait for the news that never arrived. I twisted my fingers and tightened my jaw, anything to contain the urge to run through the hospital and demand to know what was going on.
A few minutes later Harry stepped into the tight space. He took three determined strides to reach us. With strained blood-shot eyes he said, ‘He’s not responding. Doctor wants to do a scan. He asked if he’s consumed any alcohol recently, had any medications, Aspirin, Ibuprofen, that kind of thing, or illicit drugs? Kids, you have to tell me anything you know.’
‘I gave him some Aspirin this morning, before the game,’ Amber said quickly, her voice wavering.
‘What for?’
‘He had a headache. From the knock yesterday, I think.’
Harry’s eyes widened. ‘What knock?’
Sean spoke up. ‘He hit his head in PE. Blacked out for a second, then he was fine.’
Harry closed his eyes. ‘Anything else?’
A few head shakes and then he spun away.
I dropped back into the chair, my head growing fuzzy.
‘Was the Aspirin a bad idea? Should I have given him something else? It’s what Dad takes. It’s all I had in my bag.’ Tears fell freely down Amber’s cheeks.
I placed my hand over the fidgeting fingers in her lap. ‘It’s all right. You did the right thing.’ Did she? I knew some people weren’t supposed to take Aspirin, but I couldn’t think why. My throat grew dry and I tightened my grip on her hand.
Silence descended, too shocked to speak, the distant clangs and shuffles from the ER the only sounds filling the rapidly stifling air.
A stretcher bed rolled around the corner, the rattle of metal and wheels on linoleum bursting through our quiet dread. I wavered in my seat, my hand flying to cover my lips. Cal. So still and lifeless. Not our Cal. Marie and Harry trailed behind and stopped while he disappeared from sight.
Clutching onto Harry, Marie’s hollow eyes reached out to each of us. They shuffled to a seat, supporting each other so they didn’t fall. Sitting hunched, M
arie’s head rested on Harry’s chest, his arm around her shoulders, his hand running tenderly over the golden strands of her hair; it mirrored the way they’d held each other in comfort over their other son not so long ago.
I focused, unblinking on the plastic white clock on the wall. Each jerking movement of the hands offering the only evidence that time had, in fact, not ceased since Cal’s collision.
Mum stopped by with some sandwiches. They remained unopened on the peach table beside the National Geographic and Time magazines.
Thirty minutes later, the doctor returned.
‘Mr and Mrs Brooks, would you like to come with me so we can speak in private,’ he said calmly but with concern.
‘Oh God.’ Marie let out a sob.
The doctor reached out a reassuring arm. ‘Nothing’s changed, he still hasn’t regained consciousness, but I’d like to talk about our next steps. Unless you don’t mind doing it out here.’ He scanned the room.
Marie blinked and shook her head, then nodded. ‘Yes yes, that’s fine.’
‘Your son is in a critical condition. It’s rare and extremely unusual for someone his age, but he’s suffered an intracranial haemorrhage. Our best guess is that the previous concussion and Aspirin have contributed to the severity in this case. He’s going to need immediate surgery to stop the bleeding on his brain and repair the damage.’
His words fly-kicked me in the stomach, and I swayed in my seat. Tyler reached out to secure me. I sought his other hand, winding my fingers around his. My mind whirled, only registering some of the doctor’s next words; helicopter, Canberra, consent, risk.
I realised all the waiting so far would be nothing compared to what lay ahead. I clenched my jaw, angry at the doctor for not giving us more, even an ounce of hope to cling to in the hours ahead. But he gave us nothing.
My chest heaved, emotions swirling into an uncontrollable tornado. Not wanting everyone to see me break apart, I ran from the room. Automatic doors slid open at the end of the corridor, and frigid air slammed into me, adding to the pain of this agonising day. Tears fell. I couldn’t hold back my sobs, all my fear and tension escaping, pent up since Cal’s body struck the cold damp earth that morning.
Lucid Page 16