Tyler was silent, digesting my words. He rubbed a hand on the side of his face. ‘What if we made sure we knew exactly what’d happen? We could have everything booked, stick to a tight schedule, have it all worked out.’ His enthusiasm crept across his face, lifting his cheeks. ‘Wouldn’t it be worth it? You know, like seeing her, seeing the reality, and even better, seeing the world?’
‘Maybe, but I don’t know if I’m brave enough to find out.’
‘What if I was with you?’ He swivelled his shoulders like a peacock showing off his feathers.
I giggled. ‘That is temping. You are tempting, but even you can’t make me forget everything–’
His mouth covered mine, my lips curving upward beneath their warmth. He cupped a hand around my neck, his fingers tangling in my hair, and fireworks exploded behind my eyelids, sending electrifying jolts all the way to my toes, and I did forget.
With his face inches from mine, he whispered, ‘You sure?’
— 23 —
I sat in the back of Cal’s car, my body pressed into Tyler’s side. His arm draped around me as he stared out the window. Almost a week had passed since Cal’s accident.
With an empty long weekend to fill, and my parent’s permission, I agreed to go to Sydney to see Dreadlock Lady, knowing how important the trip could be to help rid my doubt and maybe answer some of those nagging questions. Although with Cal sitting in the front seat of the car, I found it hard not to truly appreciate all that’d happened in the six days gone. Despite my continued dreams, and the grief I still carried with me each day, I felt the small quiver of happiness. I was snuggled against Tyler, but not only that – for the first time in my life, I was headed to Sydney.
True to his word, Tyler talked his Aunt into looking up the records for the number plate he’d scribbled down. We contacted the owner and teed up a time for an interview – under the guise of doing a research paper for level crossing incidents across New South Wales. Blond Dreadlock Lady’s name was Cara.
To ease my anxiety and fear, Tyler had an hour-by-hour schedule prepared for the trip. ‘And where our plans stuff up, I’ll be right there,’ he said.
We’d left school early, planning to drive straight through to Sydney. Counting lunch, toilet breaks, and Friday afternoon traffic, we probably had five or six hours ahead of us.
The boot was full of camping gear for our two nights in Sydney. Somehow, with the long weekend, we managed to score ourselves a campsite, which, even though unpowered, we considered a small miracle.
We’d be staying with Granny Tess and Pop in Canberra on our way home. I’d called her a few days after Cal’s accident and told her my news. I had to hold the phone from my ear as her screams flew down the line. If ever she’d been my cheerleader, now was it. When I decided to go to Sydney I called again, knowing she wouldn’t let us drive by without a visit.
Amber was driving us in Cal’s car. He couldn’t drive yet with his foot, so he sat beside her as navigator-cum-driving instructor-cum-annoying front seat passenger.
‘I know how to drive a car, Cal,’ she said. ‘That’s why they gave me a license.’
‘Yeah, but you don’t normally drive a manual.’
‘I learnt to drive in one. I’ll be just dandy, thank you very much.’
‘Yeah, but will we?’ He craned his neck and stuck his tongue out with a chuckle.
‘Hey. Why don’t you focus less on what gear I’m in and find us a decent radio station?’
We’d asked the others if they wanted to join us, but Max had a comp on, and Sean said he wasn’t interested in another trip to Sydney. He already had to go enough to visit his dad, but more importantly, didn’t want to miss the predicted early snowfall over the weekend. I didn’t blame him, I almost used it as an excuse to back out myself. But Tyler was so excited for the trip, and I’d geared myself up so much already I chose to push forward.
‘Hey, I got you something.’ Tyler reached into his backpack and retrieved a small white jewellery pouch, his eyes wandering across my worried face. He smiled reassuringly. ‘Don’t panic, it’s nothing exciting, I just thought of you when I saw it and had to buy it.’
‘Now I’m curious,’ I said with a tentative smile. I wasn’t a jewellery person, Tyler must’ve noticed, so I was genuinely intrigued by what could be in the bag. He placed it into my hand.
‘Open it and I’ll explain.’
‘Okay?’ I slid my finger in the top of the bag and loosened the drawstring.
‘You know how you’re always wearing the black one.’ He looked down at my wrist, and I followed his eyes. ‘And you’re remembering the bad dreams, well, the people in them.’
I tipped the contents into my hand. An almost identical bracelet to the one on my wrist but with white gemstone beads fell out. I lifted my gaze back to Tyler and he continued, ‘For the days after your good dreams.’
Tears sprang to my eyes – happy tears. I quickly wiped them away and placed the bracelet on my wrist.
‘Tyler, it’s perfect. Thank you. Where did you get it?’
‘It was in the second-hand joint near the servo. I figured a bit of balance is always nice. Bit of happiness alongside the Queen Vic melancholy, ’cause our dreams are ones you don’t want to be forgetting, right?’ He smirked.
‘Right.’ And he was – so very right.
Traffic delays on the outskirts of Canberra, and a lunch break involving a pleasant, but unnecessary, wander through a local car museum, had us way behind schedule. Add to that a driver who was especially keen for every photo opportunity along the way. I swear we stopped at all the scenic lookouts, and she didn’t just want photos of the view.
‘Come on, lovelies, just one more,’ Amber said, her voice pleading for us to hop in the shot.
‘That’s what you said last time.’ Cal hobbled from the car on his cast.
‘I know, but I didn’t know this was coming up.’
Six and a half hours later, we reached the outskirts of Sydney for a fun game of ‘can we get out of this alive’. One GPS wasn’t enough for us to safely navigate the inner maze of the Sydney roads: Amber had a GPS on the dash, and Tyler had his open on his phone to help from the backseat. I don’t know how Amber kept her cool so well. She stayed calm, even when every piece of directing, technical and otherwise, sent her up a one-way street with nowhere to turn around.
‘See, I told you I knew how to drive,’ she said, and we all laughed.
A short while later she pulled Cal’s car up to our campsite.
Miraculously, it only took an hour, and a few curse words, to get the tent up and beds ready, and then, all completely knackered from the long drive, we climbed straight under the covers.
‘Meet me at the tree, ma petite rêveuse?’ Tyler whispered from his bed beside mine. My heart fluttered and my eyelids closed.
‘I’m scared,’ I said. We sat with our backs to the tree, exactly like our first dream. Tyler held my hand, the stroke of his thumb on my fingers easing me into the dream.
‘What of?’ he asked.
‘Everything. Seeing them for real.’
‘Yeah, but it’ll feel normal soon, once you get used to the idea.’
‘That doesn’t seem possible. I don’t feel like I’ll ever feel normal again.’
‘No, but then you’re not very normal, are you.’ His mouth curved in a lopsided grin.
‘Thanks,’ I said, my voice oozing sarcasm.
‘Normal’s boring and bland. You’re unique and interesting. Who wants a plain canvas when they can have Picasso?’ Tyler said.
‘I wouldn’t mind plain and boring sometime. I love that I’m saving people’s lives, but the dreams are horrible.’
‘Not this one,’ Tyler said.
I couldn’t help my smile as I admired the peaceful school grounds and the unclouded brightness of the sky, so perfect it must’ve been airbrushed. These dreams weren’t anything close to horrible. Not even a semblance. Most of my mind was filled with pain, death, horror. Tyl
er had taken me by the hand and led me down the dark passage in my mind, through the doorway to a secret room I’d never known was there. It’s hard to see the light when you’re so focused on the darkness.
It was like walking into the sun after being holed up in a pitch-black room. All my senses intensified. I felt awake, even though I was asleep, but most of all, there was no sadness.
‘Thanks, Tyler.’
‘What for?’
‘For giving me these dreams. They make it all so much better. I wish we could do it every night and not only when we’re near each other.’
‘Yeah, I know what you mean. God, I hope we figure it out.’
Tyler leaned into me and pressed his warm lips onto mine, and every fear, every worrying thought floated away.
I nestled into his side, and he kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair. We spent the rest of our dream like that. No soap skating or swimming. A close togetherness, unblemished by the parts of our usual life that required our attention; those things that shifted our focus away from what truly mattered – connection.
*****
‘That’s it.’ We stood under the thin canopy of a wisteria tree, three houses away from the home in my dream. My left hand pressed around the small toy dinosaur in my pocket, the other gripped Tyler’s hand, pulling him to a stop. We’d come here for this, but the muscles in my legs chose that moment to bail on me. Their heaviness rooted me to the cement footpath. ‘Number fifteen. And that’s her car.’
Crippling fear converged around my lungs, pushing in at the walls.
‘Breathe, Lucy.’ Tyler gave my hand a squeeze.
The vibrations in my temple were heavy, the blood pulsated and screamed ‘don’t panic, don’t panic’, reminding me I was already panicking.
‘I can’t.’ The words surfaced in a strangle, jagged and sharp.
‘Lucy, look at me. You can. There’s nothing to be afraid of. You already know what you’re going to see. This is confirming what you already know. It won’t change anything. It already is.’
His voice and gaze were hypnotic, and I drew from his strength, willing my heart to slow the flow from gushing river to gentle spring. His calm tone washed over me, and I managed to take in a big breath and move my feet forward.
Tyler knocked on the door. We stood on the porch of the exact same house I’d only ever seen in my dreams. Until now.
It was real.
And as Cara opened the door and welcomed us into her home, and every detail I’d dreamed, from her small frame to the frizzy dreadlocks and painted nails, surged to life around me, I stood face to face with the realisation that she was equally as real.
Cara led us through her sparsely furnished house. It was a ‘just enough’ home. Just enough chairs, just enough cupboards, just enough plates. Any more would create the usual unnecessary clutter most homes had. We walked into the kitchen and sat at a round pine table.
‘Can I get you a drink?’ she asked.
‘Water would be great, thanks.’ I clasped my shaking hands together in my lap. Tyler nodded agreement, and placed his hand over my trembling ones. She extended a small but genuine smile, her dreadlocks flicking outward as she spun to reach into the cupboard.
I blinked hard. I’d never met someone from my dreams before, other than Tyler. It was like standing in front of a television celebrity when I’d only ever seen them on the screen; raise my arm and I’d be able to touch them.
Cara placed two glasses on the table and took a seat.
‘Thanks,’ I said, my throat clogging the way for more words to escape. Not that I’d know what to say, all rational thought had vanished.
Tyler gave me a reassuring nod and eased his fingers from mine, lifting his glass, his elbows resting confidently on the table. ‘Can you tell us what you saw that morning?’ He didn’t need to act, all our questions could be applied to both dream investigation and fake research paper.
Cara told us what she’d witnessed the morning of the accident. Being first on the scene, she’d called for help, and left her son, Benji, in the car so she could assist. The driver of the vehicle was still alive.
Her shoulders sagged and she shook her head. ‘He wasn’t conscious for long and died later in hospital. He’d been drinking. It was a forty zone, but they’ve said he was going over eighty K. I don’t even know how it’s possible to go that fast ‘round here. Such a shame, but it’s lucky he didn’t kill someone else.’
‘Makes you wonder what might’ve been if you were at the crossing before him.’ I stumbled over the words, speaking before I realised what I was doing.
‘I know, I’m the same, nearly every day.’ She heaved in a breath and then her strained face lifted in a smile. ‘Hey, Benji, come and meet our visitors.’ A little boy bounded into the room, and Cara hoisted him onto her lap. The curls I remembered so well bounced around his ears and brushed against his shoulders.
‘Hello,’ he said, and my heart sang with joy at the sight of him – so cute, so bubbly, and so alive.
‘Hello, Benji.’ My smile grew with his. ‘I wonder if you could tell me…’ I paused and his eyes grew wide in anticipation. ‘Do you happen to like dinosaurs?’
‘Yes.’ He nodded enthusiastically. ‘My favourite is the diplodocus.’
‘Is it? What about this one?’ I tugged at the toy in my pocket. ‘Do you like this one?’
His smile wrapped around my heart. ‘You can have that,’ I said and sipped my water.
‘You know,’ Cara said, jostling Benji on her knee, ‘I think it was this little fella who saved our lives.’
I didn’t dare move. I couldn’t miss a single detail that might shed light on the specifics of her morning, the bits that weren’t in any online articles.
‘I was in a massive rush that morning. I’d started a new job the week before and couldn’t be late. I mean, who can? But I had to get Benji to pre-school before I started my shift and seriously, if I ever get a stomach ulcer it’ll be from that freight train. It goes over the crossing at around ten to seven, if I don’t get out the door by six-forty I’m screwed.
‘Benji asked me to do his laces up and I fobbed him off, said we’d do it when we got to pre-school. We were rushing out the door, and he tugged at my arm. I was seriously annoyed, we didn’t have time for muckin’ about, but he spoke three words that I’m pretty sure saved our life. “I love you”.’ She pressed a firm kiss onto his chubby cheek. ‘Sometimes the universe gives us a sign to slow down. I think this was one of those moments. Benji’s such a sensitive soul, he hates the rushing, and he had tears in his eyes. Kids cry over the silliest things sometimes, for him it was undone shoelaces that morning. But instead of screaming or arguing with me, he did the one thing that weakens me more than anything in the world, he spoke those words.’
‘I learned how to tie my laces now, Mummy.’
‘Yes you did, clever boy.’ She ruffled his mop of curls. ‘At that point, I no longer cared about getting to work on time. I gave Benji a big hug, wiped away his tears, and of course while I’d bent down I did up his shoelaces.’ She laughed softly at the absurdity of it.
After thanking Cara and Benji for their time, and invaluable assistance with our ‘research paper’, we headed for the train. I left the toy dinosaur for Benji, but he’d given me something far greater to line my pockets with – clarity and belief.
— 24 —
There were only a few other passengers in the carriage with us, and I shifted away from everyone and looked out the window. I couldn’t decide if I should be elated or afraid. Should I laugh, cry, scream, or curl up in a ball and rock back and forth? It seemed fitting with the current insanity status strung around my neck.
Tyler asked if I was okay. I nodded, and with the squeeze of my hand he allowed me the time I needed to absorb what I’d witnessed.
Somewhere between Wollongong and Sydney, I finally broke the silence. I had no idea where, because the buildings outside my window were as blurry as my thoughts. I couldn�
�t focus any more on those than I could on the racket inside my head.
‘Do you think you could bring me some of Laurie’s peanut butter, chocolate cupcakes to the asylum, I don’t think they serve very nice food in those places.’
Tyler took one look at my serious face and burst into laughter. Big convulsive chuckles.
‘That’s what you’re worried about? That you won’t get good food if you’re locked up?’
‘Well yes, but specifically good cupcakes, they probably don’t serve them at all.’ I kept my mouth straight. This was a serious concern.
Tyler laughed again, placed his hands on either side of my face, and pressed his lips on mine. I startled from the sudden shift in emotion, but I liked this feeling so much more than the last and went with it. I ignored the fact we were on a train surrounded by strangers and kissed him back.
‘Okay, now first of all,’ he said as he pulled away, ‘you’re not going to end up in some asylum, I won’t allow it. And second, if you do, you can count on me being your personal peanut butter, chocolate cupcake courier.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, content that at least I wouldn’t be lacking in the ‘fine food’ department, even if I had to be locked up forever.
‘So, other than being worried about your supply of cupcakes, tell me how you’re really feeling?’ he asked, intensity in his eyes.
I caught sight of his seriousness and huffed out a small laugh. ‘Freaked out. Seriously freaked out. But I’m also thrilled she’s alive. I watched her die and I don’t think she deserved that. She seemed really nice, didn’t she. And Benji, so cute.’
‘Oui.’
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