Page 86
It was the last thing I’d expected. I stiffened, my throat going dry. Around me, the team went utterly still. I could sense Seb’s aura stretching out towards mine, wanting to comfort me.
“It was personal; something just between the two of us,” went on Alex. “What we fought about has nothing to do with the workings of this team. Willow and Seb are getting the security information for us – that means our lives are in their hands. I wouldn’t do that if I didn’t trust them completely. So forget whatever you heard; it’s irrelevant. ”
Silence from around the table. Kara had a look on her face that said it was kind of hard to forget it, but she nodded. “We understand. ” Looking at her starkly beautiful features, for a second all I could think of was Alex’s first kiss. It hadn’t really been her – had it? He’d never even told me that he’d had a crush on her. Meanwhile, I could feel from the slight shifting of mood in the room that Alex had defused the situation a little. But only a little. It was going to be a very long time before anyone actually forgot our argument.
“That’s all,” said Alex. “Target practice now, if that’s what you’re doing. Otherwise, just take the rest of the day off and relax. Anyone who wants to go out for a while, go for it – but go in pairs, and watch each other’s backs. ”
As everyone began dispersing, I started around the table to him, but he was already striding away across the range. “Alex!” I called, putting on a burst of speed to catch up with him. “Alex, wait. ”
He stopped and looked at me. I touched his arm. “Listen, we really need to talk. ”
“Not now,” he said.
“No, we do have to talk now. Look, can we go to your room, and have this out? We can’t just—”
“Not. Now,” he gritted out, kneading his temple with his eyes closed. I stared at him, taken aback by the low vehemence in his voice. He left the range without waiting for a reply. I heard him go upstairs.
No. This wasn’t going to happen, not when we hadn’t spoken in almost twenty-four hours. He wasn’t going brush me off. Seb was standing at the table, loading a magazine; as I glanced at him, I saw that he was looking after Alex with an odd expression on his face. He shook his head slightly, as if to clear it. Our eyes met – and though I knew Seb’s mixed feelings must be gouging at him, he motioned almost imperceptibly with his head: Go after him.
Upstairs it was quiet, bathed in shadow; everyone was either downstairs or had gone out. As I came up onto the landing I thought at first that Alex must have gone into the storeroom, and I started towards it – but then my neck went cold as I heard him. No, he wasn’t in the storeroom; he was in the bathroom.
He was throwing up.
I stood outside the bathroom door, my heart tight with sudden worry. I started to knock and found myself resting my hand on the old wooden door instead, swallowing hard.
“Alex?” I called.
No answer. The noises went on; I had to force myself not to go in. Finally there was silence; the sound of the toilet flushing. Water running in the sink.
The door opened and Alex stood there. His hair looked black against the unnatural pallor of his skin; his face was damp, as if he’d splashed water on it. “What do you want?” he asked, massaging his head.
“You’ve got another migraine,” I said softly. He’d told me how they made him throw up sometimes, the way the pain slammed into him so unexpectedly. I could feel it now, stabbing at his skull like a dagger. “Are you okay?”
He snorted as he dropped his hand. “Yeah, I’m so okay. Willow, seriously, what do you want?”
Did I really have to have a reason to want to talk to him now? I hesitated, taking in his face. “You, um. . . didn’t answer my text. ”
Around us, the house suddenly felt hollow with silence. “I didn’t know what to say,” he said finally.
What about that you love me, and you’re sorry, too? The words wouldn’t come. “Look, can’t we just – the girls’ dorm is empty; can we go in there and talk?”
A muscle in his cheek moved. “I thought that space was reserved for Seb,” he said.
I stiffened; it was as if he had slapped me. I knew Kara would tell him about that. “Well, you thought wrong,” I said steadily. “He was in there last night because I was upset, okay? You can’t actually think anything happened. ”
“Upset,” Alex repeated. “So it’s, like, my fault he was in there. Got it. ”
“There was no fault – nothing happened!” I stopped and let out a breath. “Alex, please. Don’t do this. ” I couldn’t help myself – I slipped my arms around his waist, pressing close against him. “Please. I love you; I know you love me. ”
I longed for him to lift his arms and wrap them around me. They stayed at his sides as he stood without moving, his heart beating against mine. “Of course I love you,” he said. His voice was so emotionless that it sounded like he was saying the opposite. “But I meant what I said last night, Willow. I can’t do this. And you’ve just spent, like, every waking hour alone with Seb since I told you that. So obviously you’ve decided. ”
I drew away from him, staring. He was serious. He was actually serious about me never talking to Seb again. I gave a short, disbelieving laugh. “So I was supposed to just do what you told me, even though I think you’re completely wrong? Alex, I get how you feel, I really do! But Seb is just—”
“Yeah, just your friend, I know,” he interrupted. “You keep telling me. ”
He rubbed his temples again, his eyes closed. I could feel how much physical pain he was in – and despite everything, all I wanted was to cradle his head on my lap and stroke the hurt away. Yearning went through me for that time in his room only a few weeks ago, when I’d done exactly that. It was funny. Things had seemed complicated then – and everything had really been so simple.
“Look, I can’t do this now, and neither can you,” said Alex at last. “We’ve got to focus on the job tomorrow. If there’s still anything left to say, we’ll say it after that. ”
The lines of his face were so beautiful, so familiar. I remembered being with him in the tent in New Mexico – the things we’d said to each other, the way we’d touched – and something inside of me was dying. But when I spoke, my voice was steady. “There won’t be any point. Seb is my friend; he always will be. And with the Council attack coming up. . . ” I stopped, remembering Seb’s quiet insistence that he’d be there. “We could all die during it,” I said finally. “And I’m not going to live what might be the last few days of my life ignoring someone I care about. ”
Alex’s eyes were cold, stormy seas. “No, just ignoring someone you’re supposed to be in love with. ”
“That’s not my choice. It’s yours. ”
He snorted. “Yeah, if you say so. ” His gaze scanned over me, his jaw tight. Then he shrugged. “I guess that’s it, then,” he said.
“I guess it is. ”
And this time, I had no doubt: Alex and I had just broken up.
“SHE’S HERE – WE’VE MADE CONTACT several times now,” said Charmeine’s voice.
Angel Fire Page 86