Page 119
Seb looked at Willow again, searching her face with a slight frown. “I don’t think we know yet,” he said.
No one said much for a while after that. Though the fire burned down some, it still kept the coolness of the night away; Sam crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes, looking half-asleep where he sat. Eventually Liz got up to go get the other bottle of water from the truck. When she didn’t come back, Alex went after her and found her curled up asleep in the front seat, looking beyond exhausted. He started to wake her up so she could have the tent, but decided against disturbing her. She’d be okay out here; he and Sam would sleep in the back. Thinking of Willow and Seb in the same tent that he’d shared with her was a further kick in the guts, but he supposed he’d survive it. After today, he could survive anything.
When he got back to the campfire, Sam’s snores were filling the air. Willow and Seb were obviously deep in conversation. They broke off when he reappeared; the tension on Willow’s face made Alex feel like an intruder. It also made him want to put his arms around her and hold her for ever – an emotion he seriously didn’t need right now.
“I’ll get some more firewood,” he said shortly, and walked off without waiting for a response.
There was a clearing not far away, awash with moonlight. Alex sat down against a rock and stared up at the sky. All the familiar constellations were still there – the same as they’d been after his father’s death, and then his brother’s. The night sky’s patterns always remained predictable, no matter how much your world had just been rocked. At times in his life he’d found this soothing, and at other times infuriating. Now he just felt numb, cold as starlight.
Wesley and Trish, rabid with angel burn. God, he’d known Wesley’s arm wasn’t better yet; he should never have let him take part. Okay, so maybe neither of them had actually died, but angel burn had always seemed almost worse than death to Alex; it took away a person’s choices. If he’d just managed to do things better – get there faster, stop the attack after all – then maybe it wouldn’t have happened. And he didn’t even know if Kara and Brendan were still alive or not. Even if they’d somehow managed to make it out of the Torre Mayor, what were the odds that they’d actually left the city in time? Or that Juan’s old van had made it through those lurching streets?
Alex pinched the bridge of his nose as the thoughts pummelled him. He didn’t have any answers. None. And now the world would never be the same again and he had to keep on being a leader somehow – just because there was no one else around to do it.
“Hi,” said a soft voice.
He looked up. Willow stood in the moonlight. “Hi,” he said after a pause.
She swallowed. “Can I, um. . . sit with you for a while? I think we should probably talk. ”
Standing there in the silvery light, she was so beautiful that it made him hurt inside. He shrugged wearily. “If you want. ”
Willow sat near him, keeping a careful distance. Tracing at the ground with her finger, she cleared her throat. “Alex, I just wanted to say that. . . I’m really sorry I hurt you. ”
He sighed. Yeah, this was exactly what he felt like talking about right now. “Can we skip this conversation?” he asked, rubbing his forehead. “Seriously, I’d rather not have it. I don’t need to hear how sorry you are. ”
She sat watching the motion of his fingers anxiously; then seemed to catch herself doing it, and glanced away. “All right. ” Her voice was thin, strained. “But Alex, I don’t think Seb and I will be going with you to Nevada. I just don’t think it’s a good idea for – for me to be so close to you. So I don’t know if I’ll see you again after tomorrow, and I wanted to tell you—” Her voice broke; Alex froze, his heart aching as he saw she was close to tears. “. . . to tell you that I still love you,” she got out. “I really do, Alex, and – and I’m sorry for everything. ”
Wiping her eyes, she jumped to her feet. Alex leaped up too, pained bewilderment clutching at his throat. “Willow, wait! What—” He touched her arm; she pulled away, hugging herself.
“Please don’t,” she said in a small voice.
She looked miserable, almost frightened. Alex stared at her. “Don’t what? Don’t touch your arm?”
Willow almost said something and stopped, shaking her head. “I. . . I’d better get back. ” She started to walk away.
“No, wait. ” He dodged in front of her; a sudden suspicion had taken root and was growing by the second. “Willow, why can’t I touch your arm? Why wouldn’t you take my hand when we fell on the grass?”
She gripped her elbows, not meeting his eyes. “I just didn’t want to, that’s all. Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, or anything. ” She was a terrible liar. And now Alex recalled that same flat tone had been in her voice when she’d stood there with Seb in the kitchen, and even earlier, back in the storeroom before their first hunt, when he’d asked her what was wrong. She’d had that same look on her face then too – complete agony as she started to tell him something but didn’t.
Oh god.
The truth slammed into him. He reached for her arms again without thinking; she jerked away. “Don’t! Don’t touch me!”
“You think you’re giving me angel burn,” he said urgently. “That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why you broke up with me. ” She didn’t answer; she didn’t need to. She covered her face with one hand, her shoulders shaking.
He could barely hear his own words over the pounding of his pulse. “Are you really in love with Seb? Did you two really—”
“No,” she broke in. “We kissed, that’s all. And it was totally wrong, and it just made me realize how. . . how much I—” She broke down then; Alex wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly, his heart racing with sudden hope.
“Tell me again that you’re not in love with Seb,” he whispered into her hair. “Please, please, tell me again. ”
She shook her head against his chest; her voice was muffled. “I’m not in love with Seb; I never was. I do love him, but not like that. Alex, I shouldn’t be touching you—”
He ignored her. “What about your dream?”
“It was true – all except the part about being in love with him. ” She looked up, her eyes wet. “I didn’t mention it to you at the time because I didn’t even believe it; I didn’t see how I could ever feel so strongly about a boy who isn’t you. But now I see that I can, only it’s just friendship; it’s like he’s my brother – Alex, I can’t touch you! Let me go; I’m hurting you—”
“You’re not hurting me! Willow—” He pulled away, gripping both her hands. “I’m still in love with you,” he said fervently. “I love you more than anything. Do you still feel the same about me?”
She went very still, the moonlight glinting on her face. For a moment the look in her eyes was salvation – and then her face went dull. “Of course I do,” she whispered. She pulled her hands away from his. “And that’s why I can’t be with you. I knew you’d do this; it’s why I didn’t tell you before. You think I’m not hurting you, but I am. I can see it in your aura right this second. ”
Angel Fire Page 119