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“My aura?”
“Yes! It looks—” Her face crumpled slightly; she regained herself with visible effort. “It looks sick,” she said. “And it’s because of me. It’s something about my energy, being half-angel – the effect must be cumulative, but it’s there, it happens. ”
“What effect? Willow, what are you talking about?”
Her spiked hair looked darker than usual in the moonlight; her elfin face lined with sadness. “Your migraines and your headaches are because of me,” she said. “I know they haven’t always been, but the ones you’re having now are. Alex, your aura looks—” Her gaze went to the outline of his body, scanning it. “Dull,” she finished. “Not healthy. And there are these dark spots. . . ” She trailed off.
“But—” He stared at her as images came and went in a flash: his father, back at the camp; Cully, after an extended hunt. Himself, sitting on the Metro, wondering how much damage he’d been taking lately. “Willow, did you think that was because of you? Oh, babe. . . ” He tried to put his arms around her again; she sidestepped out of his reach.
“Of course I think it’s because of me! What else am I supposed to think?”
“It’s because I’m an AK! It’s something that happens if you’re exposed to a lot of angel fallout; the aura takes damage. Willow, my dad used to get the same thing!”
She went very still, on her face he saw doubt battling with a longing to believe. “So how come you didn’t have this when we first met?”
“Because the aura usually restores itself! I only killed about an angel a week back then. But I’ve been going on hunts every day for weeks now – go and check out Sam’s aura; it’ll be just the same!” His words spilled out quickly; he felt desperate to make her see the truth.
She gave a short, humourless laugh, wiping her eyes. “Sam’s aura is not just the same. Sam’s aura looks fine, actually. ”
He pushed his hair back in frustration. “Okay, well I don’t know – maybe it is cumulative then; I’ve been doing this for years. But, Willow, it is not you. I swear to you, when I looked at my dad’s aura once, it was just the same. And there were no half-angels at the camp, all right?”
The moment stood poised on a knife blade. Willow slowly shook her head. “I could still have something to do with it. You don’t know for a fact that I’m not hurting you, and neither do I. Haven’t you noticed that every migraine you got was less than a day after. . . after we got really physical together?”
“Fine, and what about all the times we got really physical, and nothing happened – except we both enjoyed it a whole lot? Willow, it’s just a coincidence!”
Her expression was the same as when she’d told him she was going to try to stop the Second Wave – sad but determined, unaffected by any argument he might make. “You can’t know that, and I won’t take the chance,” she said. “I won’t hurt you, Alex. I refuse. ”
He stared at her in disbelief; the statement was so ludicrous that he barked out a short, bitter laugh. “You think breaking up with me didn’t hurt me? I’ve been in hell these last few days. Complete hell. ”
Pain creased her face. “Me too,” she whispered. “But—”
“And even if you are causing it, even if you’re making me sick in some terrible way we don’t know about – Jesus, Willow, I could be killed tomorrow anyway! I don’t expect a long life doing what I do, okay? And for however long I’ve got left. . . I want to spend it with you. ” He took her hands; held them between his and kissed them. “Please,” he said. “I want to spend it with you. ”
Her eyes were damp; her face filled with longing. For a moment he thought she was going to relent – then she gently pulled away. “And what if being with me makes your life even shorter than it would have been?” she asked. “What if you die a year sooner than you would have anyway, and that year would have made all the difference in fighting the angels?”
“Yeah, and what if being with you makes me so happy that I get a few more years, because I’ve actually got something to live for?” he said hotly. “We can’t know! You don’t get to just decide this for both of us!”
“But it’s not only about us, don’t you see?” Her eyes were agonized. “I already have to live with knowing that. . . that I played a part in what happened today. A whole city – all those people. . . ” She trailed off helplessly, and shook her head. “Do you think I’d do anything, anything at all, that might hurt the world even more?”
“None of it was your fault,” he said in a low voice. “It was Raziel – he used you; he used all of us. Don’t you think I’m scared? Two of my team have got angel burn now; two of them are missing – I couldn’t stop any of it! But I’ve got to keep on, and so do you. Don’t let him tear us apart, on top of everything else. ”
She let out a breath that was almost a sob. Hugging herself, she stared at a nearby tree, as if she was taking in its every detail in the moonlight. “Alex. . . I just can’t. I’d be terrified every day that I was hurting you; I’d be worried sick every time we touched. ”
The thought that this was the only thing keeping them apart was torture. “Willow, you’re not hurting me. And if you really break us up over this, when you love me as much as I love you – it’ll be the biggest mistake ever. ” He took her hands again, gripping them hard. “How do I convince you that you’re wrong – Christ, what do I say, what do I do? Please, help me out here—”
She stood motionless. Finally she let out a long breath. “There’s nothing you can say, and there’s nothing you can do. Because neither of us can know for sure. And I won’t take the chance. ” She gazed down at her hands in his – squeezed his fingers, and then softly drew away. Her voice was thick with unshed tears. “I’m sorry. Please don’t touch me again. ”
No. No. He couldn’t let her do this to them; he had to get her to see the truth somehow. The ridiculous thing was how psychic she was – with anyone else, she could just touch their hand and see the truth for herself. But her emotions were so entangled when it came to him that Alex knew she’d get nothing.
The answer came to him all at once, along with a rush of hope so intense it was almost painful. “Wait!” he said as she started to turn away. “Willow, what if Seb reads me? What if he sees in my hand that I’m right – what then?”
Her face went blank with surprise as she stared at him, statue-still in the silvery light. Then her throat moved as she swallowed. “That. . . would be the most wonderful thing in the world,” she said in a tiny voice.
When they got back to the campfire, they found Seb still there; he’d built the fire up again, and was gazing into its flames. Sam lay snoring softly against the log, out to the world. They sat beside Seb as Alex quickly explained.
“So do you think you can help?” he finished. His muscles were tense; he was suddenly all too aware of what a gift on a silver platter he was offering to Seb – all the guy had to do was tell Willow that yes, she was causing him angel burn, and that would be the end of their relationship for ever.
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