Rock Critic Law
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If you’re not sure what to say about someone’s musicianship, you MUST say it’s “workmanlike.”
Rock guitar solos: “blistering.” Blues guitar solos: “stinging.” Metal guitar solos: “face-melting.” But whatever the genre, a good guitar solo MUST evoke physical pain.
“Gnomic” doesn’t mean “like a gnome,” but that doesn’t matter; use it like that anyway.
Putting “-core” at the end of any word really helps readers get a handle on things.
Don’t describe the music, just say it’s “[band X] meets [band Y].” If you want to get fancy, say they’re “at [Z]’s house.”
Pop music can ONLY use one of two pharmaceuticals: it can either be “on acid” or “on steroids.”
You can still allude to the 1978 Nick Lowe album and say “pure [x] for [y] people.”
If a recording features densely layered guitars then you MUST use the phrase “sonic cathedrals.”
When comparing two bands, you can never go wrong by making a Beatles/Stones analogy.
You MUST pronounce “ambient” as AHM-bient because you’re confusing it with “ambiance.”
If you’re really impressed by the last song on an album, you MUST call it a “stunning closer.”
You can definitely say “ephemeral” when you mean “ethereal.” No one knows the difference anymore anyway.
By all means use the word “prolific” as a generic compliment even though it only means the musician has done a lot of work, not whether it’s any good.
By all means refer to what musicians put their heart, mind, and soul into as “output.”
If two lead guitars alternate or play different lines simultaneously you MUST say they are “dueling.”
You can compare virtually any drummer to Animal from the Muppets.
When someone covers a classic song, it’s a “reading” of that song.
Please feel free to deny a musician’s individuality as an artist and a human being and just say they are “the new [x]” or “the [y] of [genre].”
If a band has opened for a more famous band, then you MUST say they have toured with “the likes of” the more famous band.
Inactive older musicians MUST be “coaxed out of retirement.” They don’t want money or enjoy making music.
You must ALWAYS begin a profile in medias res. For example: “Joey Santiago is eating a sandwich and feeling guilty.”
If even one iconic punk band does something mercenary, you MUST write, “punk itself is dead.”
If a band has been around for many years, then their career is a “long, strange trip.”
Fans may be “rabid,” “hardcore,” or “diehard.” There are no other kinds of fans.
You can try describing them in other ways, but you can never go wrong by calling a double album “sprawling.”
No musician is simply “from” a place. They MUST “hail” from there.
If an artist stops trying to progress and makes an album that sounds like the old stuff, that’s called “a return to form.”
When someone in a band does an album by themselves, you MUST call it a “solo outing.”
Why say someone “wrote” a song when you can say they “penned” it?
When noting the duration of a song or album, you MUST say it “clocks in at . . .”
If you are writing about an older male singer’s deeper, more raspy voice, you MUST say it is “gruff.”
You can never go wrong by doing a variation on the phrase “The Year Punk Broke.”
You MUST use the word “frontman/frontwoman/frontperson” even though you would never say that word out loud.
Why call it an album when you can call it a “studio release.”
Even if they have keyboards or don’t sound like Cream or Jimi Hendrix—if a band has three members, you MUST call it a “power trio.”
Remember: those are not “words” in songs—they’re “lyrical content.”
“Interplay” may ONLY take place between two guitars. And it is almost always “telepathic.”
When interviewing a woman in rock, you MUST ask her what it’s like to be a woman in rock.
Praise is never given or earned, it’s “garnered.”
If you know you’re supposed to like the album but didn’t get it at first, you MUST say it “rewards repeat listens.”
If there are three or more bowed instruments on a track, then you MUST note the “lush orchestrations.”
If an artist uses a notable collaborator, they have “enlisted” them, not “invited” them. Because playing music is like joining the army.
When reviewing a record, you can never go wrong by cribbing from the bio.
The thing that producers do is “helm” records.
You MUST complain that the Grammys are mainstream even though they’ve been mainstream since before you were born.
A lengthy single-source profile on an embattled artist MUST be titled “The Ballad of [Insert Name].”
At least once in your career, the title of your article MUST paraphrase “Our Band Could Be Your Life.”
Acknowledgements
For invaluable contributions to this legislation: Jonathan Meiburg, Doug Brod, Fred Nicolaus, Maggie Vail, Reuben Radding, Ian Christe, Jon Wurster, Torres, Bill Crandall, Hardeep Phull, Melissa Cusick, Stephen Thomas Erlewine, Ben Sisario, Ezra Feinberg, Glasser, Tom Beaujour, @FiveChapters, Jay Ruttenberg, Boyfriend, Eric Gladstone, Marc Hogan, Jake King, Franz Nicolay, Amy Linden, Ben Merlis, Ryan Schreiber, Chris Nelson, Richard Parks, Meredith Graves, Steve Perry, Ivan Kreilkamp, Brian Turner, Jon Chaisson, Steven Swartz, Eric Lumblo.
For calling my bluff: Matthew Elblonk.
For making this book: Carrie Thornton, Suet Chong, Sean Newcott, Paula Russell Szafranski, all the folks at Dey Street/HarperCollins, and all of the people at the printing plant.
About the Author
MICHAEL AZERRAD is a music journalist, author, and musician. His writing has appeared in the New York Times, Rolling Stone, The New Yorker, Spin, and the Wall Street Journal. He frequently appears on television, radio, and documentaries as a cultural and musical observer, and was the drummer in the King of France. He is the author of the books Come As You Are: The Story of Nirvana, and Our Band Could Be Your Life: Scenes from the American Indie Underground 1981–1991.
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Copyright
This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to the writing of actual persons, living or dead, is purely intentional.
ROCK CRITIC LAW: 101 UNBREAKABLE RULES FOR WRITING BADLY ABOUT MUSIC. Copyright © 2018 by Michael Azerrad. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
FIRST EDITION
Cover illustration © Edwin Fotheringham
Cover image © Maria Toutoudaki/Getty Images (paper texture)
Digital Edition OCTOBER 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-269675-5
Version 09182018
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-265650-6
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