Aristophanes: The Complete Plays

by Aristophanes

  CARIO: Don’t tell me. It went in a flash?

  HONEST MAN: Right. I imagined that the hard-up people one befriends

  reciprocate if one falls upon hard times.

  But no, they turned their backs on me

  as if I were invisible.

  CARIO: Which they no doubt found quite risible?

  HONEST MAN: Right. The drying up of my dimes

  spelled my ruin. But that’s all over now, so naturally

  I’ve come to pay my homage to the god.

  CARIO: But what’s the shabby garment for,

  the one your boy is holding? Do tell.

  HONEST MAN: That’s the thing I’ve brought to give the god.

  CARIO: You don’t mean it’s the one you wore

  for your induction to the Mysteries?977

  HONEST MAN: No, it’s the one in which for thirteen years I froze.

  CARIO: And the shoes?

  HONEST MAN: They shared in the freeze.

  CARIO: And you’re offering them to the god as well?

  HONEST MAN: I am, by Zeus!

  CARIO: I think the offerings you’ve brought the god are really swell.

  [A distraught INFORMER enters with a WITNESS.]

  INFORMER: Hell’s bells, I’m under a spell. I’m wretched and damned.

  Yes, with a triple, a quadruple, quintuple, duodecimal,

  umpteenesimal doom I’m doomed.

  Put more water in the wine of my bad fortune.

  CARIO: Healer Apollo and you benevolent deities,

  this fellow’s disaster, we wonder what it is?

  INFORMER: What it is! Just you tell me

  if it isn’t something that nothing can match.

  I’ve lost everything at home, and that god is to blame,

  the one who’s going to be blind again

  if the fucking courts are up to scratch.

  HONEST MAN: Methinks I smell a rat.

  He may have fallen on bad times all right

  but there’s something fishy.

  CARIO: In which case he deserves what he gets.

  INFORMER: Where, I ask you, where is the one who

  all by himself promised to make everyone rich,

  and in one stroke, if only

  he could regain his sight?

  Instead, he’s actually beggared quite a few.

  CARIO: Really? Whom has he done that to?

  INFORMER: Me, that’s who.

  CARIO: Which suggests that you were one of the hooligans

  who broke into houses.

  INFORMER: God, no! It’s you people who are the villains,

  and I think it’s you who’ve gone off with my resources.

  CARIO: Holy Demeter! He comes blustering in, does this informer,

  as if he were suffering from bulimia.978

  INFORMER: And you, I suggest that you go at once

  and get put on the wheel in the marketplace.

  That’ll make you blurt out every misdemeanor.

  CARIO: [advancing] For saying that, I’ll make you wince.

  HONEST MAN: I swear by our Savior Zeus that the whole of Greece

  will be grateful to our god

  if he brings these rubbishy informers to a rubbishy end.

  INFORMER: So you, too, are siding with these men? And you think it

  fun. . . .

  Wherever did you get that threadbare coat?

  Yesterday I saw you in a suit.

  HONEST MAN: You’re not worth worrying about.

  Besides, I’m wearing a protective amulet

  I got from Eadmus979 for a drachma.

  CARIO: I doubt it’ll protect you from an informer’s bite.

  INFORMER: Must you be so beastly rude?

  Laugh at me if you dare

  but you haven’t confessed yet

  what you are doing here.

  I warrant you’re up to no good.

  CARIO: Not where you’re concerned. You are right there.

  INFORMER: That’s for sure. It’s my money that’s paying for your dinner.

  HONEST MAN: Dinner? I hope that you and your witness will explode.

  CARIO: Yeah, bursting with nothing!

  INFORMER: [sniffing] Admit, you swine. In there aren’t they cooking

  a whole range of fish and meats. . . ? Yum, yum!

  CARIO: Smell something, hyena?

  HONEST MAN: In that moth-eaten coat, I expect he caught a cold.

  INFORMER: Ye gods and Zeus, I am

  flabbergasted by their behavior . . . absolutely riled

  that an upstanding patriot like me should be subjected

  to such abuse.

  HONEST MAN: You, an upstanding patriot?

  INFORMER: No man more.

  HONEST MAN: In which case, let me ask you this . . .

  INFORMER: Right, get on with it.

  HONEST MAN: Are you a farmer?

  INFORMER: D’you think I’m off my rocker?

  HONEST MAN: Well then, in business?

  INFORMER: When it suits me, yes.

  HONEST MAN: In any particular trade?

  INFORMER: Of course not!

  HONEST MAN: Then how do you live if you have no livelihood?

  INFORMER: I operate in a private and public capacity.

  HONEST MAN: You do? How?

  INFORMER: I offer my services.

  HONEST MAN: Your services, you toad? You mean your meddling in what’s none of your affair?

  INFORMER: None of my affair, goose, when I do all in my power

  to benefit the State?

  HONEST MAN: So being a tiresome busybody benefits the State?

  INFORMER: No, by promoting law and order

  and cracking down on every transgressor.

  HONEST MAN: I thought the State appointed justices to take care of

  that.

  INFORMER: Yes, but who does the prosecuting?

  HONEST MAN: Whoever’s willing.

  INFORMER: That’s me, surely. And the reason why

  the State’s affairs are my affair.

  HONEST MAN: And the reason why the State’s got such a poor protector.

  Come now, wouldn’t you rather

  leave well enough alone and live in tranquillity?

  INFORMER: That’s a sheep’s life, dull with complacency.

  HONEST MAN: Wouldn’t you prefer it?

  INFORMER: No, not if you gave me Wealth himself

  and all of Battus’ harvest of silphium.980

  CARIO: Take off that coat right now.

  HONEST MAN: He’s speaking to you.

  CARIO: Your shoes, too.

  HONEST MAN: He’s still speaking to you.

  INFORMER: OK, come out and get me. . . . Any offers?

  [CARIO rushes at him, whips off his coat, and grabs his shoes.]

  INFORMER: Help! I’m being stripped in broad day.

  CARIO: That’ll teach you to batten on the life of others.

  INFORMER: [to WITNESS] Look what he’s doing. You’re my witness.

  [WITNESS runs off.]

  CARIO: Your precious witness is too scared to stay.

  INFORMER: Don’t I know it! I’m all alone.

  CARIO: Boohoo! Boohoo!

  INFORMER: I’m in a real mess.

  CARIO: [to HONEST MAN] Give me the coat. I’m putting it on the informer.

  HONEST MAN: Don’t do that. It’s destined for Plutus.

  CARIO: But it’s perfect for this kind of evildoer. Plutus deserves something much better.

  HONEST MAN: And the shoes, what’s to be their purpose?

  CARIO: Let me have them. I’ll graft them onto his head like a wild

  olive.981

  INFORMER: I’m going. I know I’m no match for you two,

  but if I can find an ally—no matter how good-for-nothing—

  I’ll bring an action against that mighty god of yours this very day

  and indict him with intent, single-handedly, to remove

  the face of democracy and with no
attempt to bow

  to the national Council or Assembly.

  [INFORMER leaves in high dudgeon.]

  HONEST MAN: [shouting after him] Go on, beat it to the public baths,

  dressed up as you are in the things I wore.

  And while getting warm get yourself called boss.

  That was my position once.

  CARIO: More likely the bath attendant’ll grab him by the balls and

  throw him out.

  He’ll recognize a scumbag at the first glance.

  Now let’s go inside

  and you can say your prayers to the god.

  [CARIO and HONEST MAN enter the house. There follows an interlude of music and dance by the CHORUS, after which an OLD WOMAN arrives with an attendant carrying a tray of cakes and eatables.]

  OLD WOMAN: My dear old men,

  have we come to the home of the new deity

  or have we taken the wrong turn?

  LEADER: Dear girl, you’re at his very door. . . .

  I can’t help but call you girl—you ask so prettily.

  OLD WOMAN: Fine. Let me summon someone out here.

  CHREMYLUS: [coming out of the house] No need. I was coming out anyway. Tell me, please, why you’re here.

  OLD WOMAN: I’ve been through a terrible time, dear man,

  and it’s most unfair.

  My life’s been unlivable ever since the day

  the god got his eyesight back again.

  CHREMYLUS: In what way? You’re not by any chance a female version of informer?

  OLD WOMAN: Certainly not.

  CHREMYLUS: Perhaps you did some wine tasting in the courts

  without a ticket?

  OLD WOMAN: You’re teasing me, and I’m in a miserable state.

  CHREMYLUS: Miserable? In what way?

  OLD WOMAN: Listen, I had a boyfriend, a sweet lad, not a cent to his

  name

  but upright, honest, and extremely handsome.

  He did whatever I asked. He really suited me

  and I pleased him.

  CHREMYLUS: What sort of thing did he expect from you?

  OLD WOMAN: Not much. He had a real regard for me.

  He might ask for thirty silver drachmas for a cloak,

  or for a pair of shoes size eight,

  and for his sisters a dress or two,

  or a shawl for his mum,

  and four bushels, say, of wheat.

  CHREMYLUS: My word, that was modest of him! It’s practically nothing.

  OLD WOMAN: And he’d make a point of saying

  that it wasn’t greed that prompted him to ask for anything

  but sheer affection, because he always thought of me when he wore

  the cloak.

  CHREMYLUS: There’s a bloke head over heels in love.

  OLD WOMAN: Oh, but now that’s not the way the jerk

  has come to behave.

  He’s completely changed.

  Do you know, when I sent him this tart

  and these other goodies on this tray

  with a note saying: “I’ll visit you tonight” . . .

  CHREMYLUS: I’m all agog. Exactly what?

  OLD WOMAN: He sent the whole thing back, including the cheesecake,

  saying that he never wanted to see me again

  and that once long ago the Milesians were brave.982

  CHREMYLUS: That shows he isn’t really a bad character,

  only that now he’s rich he can do better than eat pea soup.

  Before, he’d eat anything . . . when he was poor.

  OLD WOMAN: Absolutely! Every day he’d be at my door.

  CHREMYLUS: Hoping for a funeral and a feast.

  OLD WOMAN: Not in the least. He just wanted to hear my voice.

  CHREMYLUS: And see what he could pick up.

  OLD WOMAN: And when he saw I was in the dumps,

  he’d cuddle me and call me his little duckling, his turtledove.

  CHREMYLUS: And no doubt ask for a pair of shoes.

  OLD WOMAN: And at the Mysteries once,

  when someone made eyes at me as I rode past in my chaise,

  he beat me black and blue.

  That’s how jealous my joy boy was.

  CHREMYLUS: He obviously wanted to eat you on his own.

  OLD WOMAN: And he said I had lovely hands.

  CHREMYLUS: Especially when they held out twenty drachmas.

  OLD WOMAN: And he said he loved the fragrance of my skin.

  CHREMYLUS: Especially when you were pouring Thasian wine.983

  OLD WOMAN: And that the look in my eyes was sweetly bland.

  CHREMYLUS: Yes, he could tell. The fellow was no fool.

  He knew how to sponge on a randy old dame.

  OLD WOMAN: And this, dear sir, is where the god is not fulfilling his

  role.

  He’s supposed to come to the rescue of people in distress.

  CHREMYLUS: What d’you want him to do? He’ll do whatever you tell

  him.

  OLD WOMAN: Well, it’s only right and proper that the man I treated nicely should treat me nicely in return. Or am I to be left without redress?

  CHREMYLUS: But didn’t he treat you nicely every night?

  OLD WOMAN: Yes, he said he’d never leave me as long as I live.

  CHREMYLUS: Quite right, but now he thinks you no longer live.

  OLD WOMAN: Dear man, I’m pining away in a terrible plight.

  CHREMYLUS: [to himself ] No, rotting away, I’d say.

  OLD WOMAN: Why, you could pull me through a ring.

  CHREMYLUS: [aside] If the ring were the size of a hoop.

  OLD WOMAN: Look, here comes the young man now, the very one I’ve

  been accusing.

  He’s probably on his way somewhere to whoop it up.

  CHREMYLUS: Well, he’s garlanded and his torch is blazing.

  [The YOUNG MAN approaches and peers at the OLD WOMAN’s face by the light of his torch.]

  YOUNG MAN: Greetings!

  OLD WOMAN: What’s he saying?

  YOUNG MAN: Good heavens, my antique girlfriend, you’ve turned gray!

  OLD WOMAN: Poor me, that’s hardly a polite thing to say!

  CHREMYLUS: It appears that he hasn’t seen you for years.

  OLD WOMAN: Nonsense! He was with me only yesterday.

  CHREMYLUS: In which case, unlike with most people,

  drink’s given him keener vision.

  YOUNG MAN: [holding his torch up to OLD WOMAN’s face] Holy Poseidon, King of the Fathoms, and every ancient deity, how her countenance is wizened!

  OLD WOMAN: I’ll thank you to keep that torch away from me.

  CHREMYLUS: Sound idea! One spark and she’ll flare up like a

  withered wreath.

  YOUNG MAN: Would you like a little . . . fun ’n’ games with me?

  OLD WOMAN: But where?

  YOUNG MAN: Why not here? We could use these nuts as counters.

  OLD WOMAN: What for?

  YOUNG MAN: A guessing game . . . about the number of your teeth.

  CHREMYLUS: My guess is four.

  YOUNG MAN: Wrong! Pay up! Only one, a molar.

  OLD WOMAN: You monster! You’re insane! Drenching me in shame before all these men!

  YOUNG MAN: A little drenching’s not a bad idea.

  CHREMYLUS: A very bad idea! Wash off that rouge and you’ve got a gargoyle.

  OLD WOMAN: [glaring at CHREMYLUS] Obviously old age has made

  you senile.

  YOUNG MAN: Perhaps he fancies you

  and would like to get his fingers round your boobs . . .

  while I’m not looking.

  OLD WOMAN: Not a chance, the brute!

  CHREMYLUS: By Hecate, I’d be raving! All the same, young man, I can’t let you despise this maiden.

  YOUNG MAN: Me? I worship her.

  CHREMYLUS: But she blames you.

  YOUNG MAN: Blames me for what?

  CHREMYLUS: For being so brazen,

 
and for saying: “Once long ago the Milesians were brave.”

  YOUNG MAN: Well, I won’t fight you for her.

  CHREMYLUS: Oh?

  YOUNG MAN: No, I give way to your seniority and age. I wouldn’t be so generous to any other. So, with my best wishes, take the maiden and go.

  CHREMYLUS: I know what you’re thinking.

  I know you’re thinking that perhaps she’s not worth having.

  YOUNG MAN: True, I for one wouldn’t.

  I wouldn’t want a woman who’s been on offer for about thirteen

  thousand aeons.

  CHREMYLUS: All the same, if you’ve sipped the wine,

  it’s only fit that you should drain the dregs.

  YOUNG MAN: Maybe, but these dregs are prehistoric and stink. CHREMYLUS: You can use a strainer as a dredge.

  YOUNG MAN: [shrugging] I’m off to the god. I’m going to dedicate these garlands to him.

  OLD WOMAN: I, too, have something to say to the god.

  YOUNG MAN: Then I’ll not budge.

  CHREMYLUS: Bear up, don’t be afraid. She’s not going to rape you.

  YOUNG MAN: I’m relieved to hear it. I’ve been plugging the old tub long enough.

  OLD WOMAN: Off with you now. I’m right behind you.

  [The YOUNG MAN goes into the house with the OLD WOMAN close behind him.]

  CHREMYLUS: My word, great Zeus, in very truth

  as clamped as a limpet the old baggage sticks to the youth!

  [An interlude follows of dance and music by the CHORUS, after which HERMES appears and knocks at the door, then slips behind a pillar.]

  CARIO: [coming out of the house] Who’s been bashing at the door?

  [seeing nobody] That’s queer!

  Door, I’m going to give you what for

  if you bark and there’s no one there.

  HERMES: [stepping into view as CARIO is about to turn back to the house] Hey, Cario, wait!

  CARIO: So it’s you that was breaking down our front door?

  HERMES: Not really, but I was getting ready to if you hadn’t opened up. Now listen, go like a shot and get your boss, Mr. Big, and his wife and his brats and his servants and his dog and, why not, the family pig.

  CARIO: For heaven’s sake, what’s going on?

  HERMES: It’s Zeus, you scamp.

  He’s in a terrible temper and ready to pound you all in the same bowl