Desire of the Soul

by Stephen Nielsen

Brittany with a drink of her own, only it was not alcoholic. The loneliness of living by herself had gotten to Jessica. With no screaming or no one preparing something was creepy to Jessica. She had lived for eighteen years with business and her brothers shouting at each other. Oh how she missed them. It had only been a month since she moved out, but it seemed like forever.

  Thankfully her parents had not divorced yet, but Jessica was in no hurry to reconcile. The time she did not use with friends, being drunk, making music, or sleeping she was contemplating her life. What was the purpose? If there was a God like Jimmy had said then why did he make Jessica’s life with a void that seemed to never be filled? She took a big swig from her glass.

  “You have to pull yourself together, Jessica. You can’t just get drunk all the time; what does that help with?” Brittany was concerned for her friend. And it wasn’t only her who had noticed that Jessica was continuously getting worse.

  “What else do I do? Sing? It gets hard after a while you know. I just don’t know what to do. When I drink I can forget the things and just have a good time partying.”

  “Getting drunk every day is not partying. And it does a lot to your health if you aren’t careful. How about the hangovers that you get the next day, is it really worth it?”

  “Don’t you go talking to me about my health.”

  “Well, something is wrong with you, Jessica! You aren’t the same as you were a few months ago. I’m concerned,” Brittany raised her voice, angry at Jessica.

  “Well, don’t be! I’m fine! Just leave me alone!” Jessica screamed back huffing.

  “What are you missing, Jessica? Tell me! You have fame, money, glory, like a billion fans, and you can get like anything in the world. What more do you want? Friends who care about you?! Because you also have that! But do you care for them anymore? I’m not so sure you do.” Brittany hollered back.

  “I don’t know, I don’t know,” Jessica sobbed.

  Brittany was fed up. She stood up sending the chair backwards. The rubber tips screeched against the hardwood floors. It toppled over and banged against the floor, which startled Jessica. Brittany stomped out of the dining room and a few moments later Jessica heard the door slam closed. She buried her head in her arms and wept.

  ____________

  Jimmy’s leg and arm did not need any more bandages to protect them; scabs had formed and some were already peeling off naturally. The use of his leg had almost returned to one hundred percent. He was able to bike again and he and Ryan were on one of their weekly 60-mile treks. Whenever Jimmy looked down at the road, he could see the scratches on the fork reminding him of his accident.

  Halfway through they took a short break lasting only a few minutes.

  “So when are you going to ask Jessica out?” Ryan asked slightly short of breath.

  The verse that Fred and Seth shared ran through his mind. ‘Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?’

  “I’m not sure. It seems like it has turned into a competition between Mark and me. She seems to like both of us to some extent. We just have to see who is smoother,” Jimmy responded with a wink.

  “That should be you then. Plus with that injury of yours you will totally win her over.”

  “Even though there is no bandage?”

  “Yeah, just pretend that it still hurts and bring attention to it every once in a while. She’ll have such a heavy heart for your pain and suffering you could easily get her.”

  “You know it’s wrong, yet you want me to lie?”

  “Hey, it still hurts right?”

  “Yeah, but only if you put pressure on it or if I put it in the wrong position.”

  “There you go, it isn’t lying.”

  “It’s deceit, almost the same thing. By the way, what do you think of the verse: ‘Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?’?”

  “Oh, 2 Corinthians 6:14. That applies to marrying people in my opinion. Don’t worry if you think it will get in the way of you and Jessica going out. Talk to Fred, he’ll tell you about it.”

  “Yeah, I did. He says that it applies to everything; or at least I should consider it for everything.” There was a pause, then Jimmy mounted his bike, “I’ll race you to Joe’s.”

  “Our friend, or the restaurant?”

  “The restaurant of course. We need to eat something after this ride. Loser buys the food.”

  Ryan took off at high speed and Jimmy heard him holler, “Deal!”

  Jimmy opted for a different approach; he would make sure he could bike at a constant speed for 27 miles and the last three miles he would power it to the finish. He also made sure to keep Ryan in sight at all times.

  The last three miles came and Jimmy lowered his body and kicked the bike into high gear. Every few hundred yards he came closer to Ryan and Ryan became slower. The scenery was amazing, the sun radiated a bright orange splendor of light as it was just an hour from dipping below the blue Ocean. The hills absorbed the glow and the far clouds did the same.

  Jimmy could smell the fresh ocean as a light breeze formed. The waves below him splashed against the cliff sending a spray in the air. Jimmy zipped past Ryan and looked back. Ryan was trying to gather up all the strength he could muster, but it was a futile attempt; Jimmy had already won.

  He parked his bike and waited for Ryan. They walked in together and to their surprise, they saw a familiar face, Mark.

  SIXTEEN

  Mark and Jimmy bumped chests daring the other to swing first. They turned in a half circle still in the restaurant. The people in the closest seats turned their attention to the two nudging each other. Jimmy could sense Ryan standing awkwardly beside him not knowing what to do. A hush fell over the customers and everyone stared, including the owner, Joe, whom Ryan and Jimmy knew well.

  “Come on chicken little, show me what you got,” Jimmy hissed.

  “Two moves, Jim and you’re on the floor,” Mark spat.

  “You two move along now, you’re disturbing my customers,” Joe hollered from the bar.

  Jimmy and Mark simultaneously backed away. Then Mark said barely above a whisper, “Guess who’s got a date with Jessica tonight?”

  Jimmy was disgusted, how in the world would anyone fall for Mark? Jimmy and Ryan got the usual, a protein and vitamin packed salad with chocolate milkshakes. A strange combo that they always caught second glances for. However, it was the best meal they felt helped after a long hard bike ride.

  As they ate, both of them devised plans to get Jessica and Jimmy alone. Every time they mentioned Jessica and him together ‘Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?’ played over in his mind. He mentioned it to Ryan.

  “Come on man, look it will all be fine. I know.”

  “How do you know, Ryan? Do you have experience with this?”

  “If I didn’t I wouldn’t advise you. Look at Brittany and me. We are doing great together. It’s like we were made for each other.”

  “Brittany, Jessica’s friend?”

  “The one and only.”

  “How come I never knew?”

  “Because I never told you. Oh, wait she’s calling now.”

  ____________

  Jessica was all dressed up for her date with Mark. She had on a blue dress which stopped just above her knees. It was nothing to get noticed for, but it looked good on her. She hoped Mark would like it. Her wardrobe had expanded from the many shopping trips she and Brittany had made together. So had her jewelry collection. Jessica wanted to impress Mark, but did not want to be noticed by everyone at the restaurant. She hoped that no one had leaked any information to the paparazzi.

  “Hey, Mark, do you mind if I meet you at your house? Then we can go together?”

  “Su
re, anything works for me, babe,” Mark said in a soothing tone over the phone.

  “Great, but do you have like a spare key so that I can get in and not stand outside waiting for you?”

  “How did you know I was out?”

  “I can hear cars.”

  “Right, you have great ears. Under the goose by the front door. Kind of an easy spot, but you need the code to turn the alarm off. I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.” Mark paused and Jessica laughed. He continued, “I’m just joking, it’s 3979. I’ll see you in twenty minutes?”

  “Yeah, can’t wait Mark, see you soon.” Jessica hung up and rushed to her car in her high heels. She wanted to check on something before she and Mark left his house.

  She found the key right where Mark had said it was. The code also worked and she quickly entered. She found the pile of books, but no folder under it. She checked his desk and nothing was there either. Finally on his neatly made bed she found the folder with the stamped red letters. She opened it and read the pages again. This time the pages were in a different order.

  She read almost two pages which filled her in on Mark’s assignment. Finally she got to the page with the names. She read them again, they were all too familiar. But none of them were under the “Target” category. She read the name which was and dropped the folder. She heard a noise and swiveled her head as her heart raced.

  She ran to a window facing the driveway and only her pink Camaro was reflecting the sun which was almost below the horizon. She raced out to her car and took off towards the coast.

  ____________

  Jimmy attached powerful bike lights to his bike for he needed to see what was in front of him so he wouldn’t go over a cliff. He saw someone a few yards in front of him on a phone with their back to him wearing a jacket. He moved to within earshot of the person and recognized the voice to be Mark’s.

  “Yes, sir. She is at my house right now and I will pick her up there and we will go together… Should I just kill her at my place? Make it easier? ... Of course, sorry for not thinking sir. I have the drugs and I will make it last long enough that she would need to go to the bathroom. Then I can slip it in her drink and everyone will think it was the restaurant who poisoned her… Yes, they have a history with Jessica.”

  That startled Jimmy. He tried to make out the voice on the other end but he was too far away. Any closer and he would probably be noticed if Mark turned around suddenly. If he learned anything from what he had just heard it would be that Mark was capable of anything.

  He moved out of sight and called Jessica. No answer. He tried three more times to no avail. He had no car to get to Jessica and now she wasn’t answering her phone. He left her a couple of text messages and strapped his helmet on. It would be a long way to Mark’s. He had only been there once before and in the dark it would be really hard to find.

  Jimmy set off as fast as he could down the coast. Every so often a car’s headlights would appear and he would check it just in case it happened to be her. A futile attempt but still worth a try. He pumped the pedals with his legs as hard as he could. He had to get to Jessica before she met up with Mark because he didn’t know where they were going for dinner. Only that Mark was going to kill her as soon as he got the chance to.

  SEVENTEEN

  Jessica was furious, people whom she thought were her friends turned out not to be. The last person who she thought cared about her turned out to be a fake lover, a killer. No one was left who cared about her. Not her parents, not her friends, nobody.

  She knew none of her fans and never really cared for them either. She hated being phony when she would meet any of them. With her tour coming up there would be a lot more of it.

  As Jessica’s anger grew so did her speed as she flew onto the coastal highway. The powerful car’s engine grew louder as Jessica floored the accelerator. The car bumped and scraped along some of the uneven parts of the road.

  Jessica didn’t know what the point of her life was as she debated going off the coast. All of the fame, money, and glory meant nothing to Jessica if she couldn’t fill the void in her heart. Happiness was one of the many pieces missing to fill the void. Jessica thought nothing in life would ever be able to fill that hole in her heart. What’s the point of living with this for like 70 more years when I can end it now? Jessica asked herself.

  Jessica contemplated that question for a bit; it wasn’t like the other times when she was alone in her house. She could actually do it now. Then no one would know because the car would sink burying her in the ocean. Then I could finally be free of the pain, Jessica thought.

  Jessica rolled all of the windows down an inch. She pulled the handbrake and snapped the wheel left. The tires screeched and the car tumbled over the railing and plunged into the water activating the air bag which Jessica banged into and was knocked unconscious.

  ____________

  As Jimmy raced down the highway along the coast he saw a car in the distance. It appeared to be coming very fast at him. Suddenly the headlights appeared to be tumbling and the car went over the railing. Jimmy heard a splash as he neared the place where the car broke the barrier. He ran through his mind what he should do. Should he keep going and try to reach Jessica or attempt to rescue the people in the car? How many people would be in the car?

  Jimmy stopped and took the powerful light off his bike. The car was face down in the water and appeared to be sinking fast. It was a forty foot drop, but it appeared much further down. Jimmy called 911 and informed them. He quickly sent Jessica one more text in a desperate last attempt to reach her.

  He ran to the side of the road furthest away from the water. He ran as fast as he could towards the water and leaped into the black sky. Water overcame him as plunged into the deep blue. As he descended into the water he could not feel the bottom yet and was surprised. Panic overcame him and he grasped for the surface.

  He gulped in the fresh air and remembered the task at hand. By now the car was almost fully submerged which made Jimmy’s job even harder. As he swam to the front of the car the lights got dimmer. He was able to see the color pink on the fender and noticed the number plate. It was one of a kind. Only one person in the world had that number plate, it was Jessica’s car.

  He swam over to the drivers’ side and went under the surface. The salt water stung his eyes and his vision was blurry. He could make out Jessica’s figure and she was not moving. That meant one of two things to Jimmy, she was dead or unconscious. He hoped the latter. He found the window open about an inch. He surfaced for air and went back under. He gripped the open part of the window and placed his feet on the lower part of the window near the door. He pulled with his hands and pushed with his feet. He came up for air and tried again. A third time was needed and finally the glass broke.

  Jimmy reached in and unbuckled Jessica. He came up for air once more and this time heard sirens. At least someone was coming. He dove under one last time for Jessica. When he pulled her out his arm scraped the broken glass and he got a nasty cut. The salt water didn’t help either.

  Jimmy surfaced with Jessica trying to keep both of their heads up above the water and focused on getting to shore as fast as possible. The flashing lights from the highway bounced off the water which showed that help had arrived.

  His legs and arms burned trying to swim with Jessica to the shore. His muscles ached as he kicked the water. It didn’t help that he had forgotten to take his biking shoes off. Jimmy lay Jessica on the little beach there was. Panting he put his ear next to her mouth and nose. He heard and felt nothing.

  Frantically Jimmy searched for a pulse in her wrists and her neck, her face was a shade of blue and purple. Jimmy performed CPR on Jessica while praying silently, “Father, help me revive Jessica. I know it’s kind of a selfish request, but please give her one more chance. I know you can do it, help me to do it. However, you have a greater plan ahead, so your will be done Father. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.”

  Jimmy heard the thwacking of helico
pter blades in the distance. He had wondered how they were going to get them out from this place. The moonlight and the blue and red lights from emergency vehicles illuminated the water, but not where Jimmy and Jessica were. He exhaled into Jessica’s mouth and watched her chest rise, then fall. She still wasn’t breathing and had no pulse. He moved back to her chest and pressed on her sternum repeatedly.

  Jessica gave a weak cough. She was alive! Jimmy quickly put her in the recovery position, her head resting on her arm. The sound and smell of barf wafted into the air. The helicopter was now scanning the water and coastline. Jimmy stood up and waved his hands in the air desperately. The strong light moved in his direction and he closed his eyes from the blinding light.

  The helicopter was really loud as it hovered above them; he still could not look up for the light was still trained on him. He was barely able to hear the winch being lowered over the loud noise. The man grabbed Jessica first and put her on a stretcher. Jessica was hoisted up into the helicopter and Jimmy was next. When he got in someone had already applied monitors to Jessica.

  One of the personnel on the helicopter tended to his cut arm and his previous wound. As they entered the hospital all of the attention was diverted to Jessica and Jimmy found himself lost in the maze of white hallways. Eventually he found his way to the waiting room and sat in one of the many empty blue cushioned chairs.

  EIGHTEEN

  Jimmy awoke to the sound of people milling through the waiting room. The clock on the wall showed 11:30. He had slept late and no one bothered to wake him up. Jimmy thought it was strange. He walked up to a nurse.

  “Jessica is awake and you can go see her in room 116,” the nurse said.

  Jimmy was bewildered. “Excuse me, but can you tell me how you know whom it is that I am looking for?”

  “Yeah, when I asked you last night when you started sleeping.”

  Jimmy had recalled no conversations that past night. He thanked the nurse and made his way to the room Jessica was in. The TV was on and was quietly playing a movie.

  Jessica was staring blankly at it, obviously bored. Jimmy found a chair and set it next to the hospital bed. He straddled and leaned on the chair. Jessica turned to see who it was. Relief spread over her face. Then a frown.

  “What’s wrong? And how do you feel?” Jimmy asked Jessica.

  “I feel like I could go home. It’s so boring here and I don’t feel bad at all. I don’t see why they don’t let me out of here. The thing that’s wrong is that I’m still alive.”

  Jimmy hung his head. It was what he had feared: it was her doing, not Mark’s. Jessica turned back to the TV as Jimmy considered a new approach.

  “Jessica,” Jimmy said with a sigh. “If something was free would you take it?”

  “Yeah, as long as it isn’t something bad.”

  “What if I told you that you could have eternal life?”

  “Oh no, Jimmy, not this again.”

  “Why are you avoiding it? You know the truth and you can’t come up with any arguments that God is fake. You heard what happened when I pulled you out of the car, did you not? Your windows are bullet proof and like the only thing that can get through is, well, I don’t know! Don’t you think that it is a miracle that I was able to break the glass and somehow swim to shore both of us? You, fully clothed, and me weak from biking? I sure think so. The only reason why I would think that you survived was because He gave you another chance. Why not take it?”

  “You mean it was you who took me out?”

  “Yes it was me; had it been someone else you would most definitely have been dead. Not to mention that you had no pulse when I laid you on the shore. I also had to do CPR and stuff, to bring you back to life.”

  “Well why didn’t you just leave me dead?!”

  “Because I had no idea whether it was you or Mark who did it. And if I knew you did it I still would not let you die before I tried.”

  “You should have saved yourself the effort. And how did you know about Mark?”

  “I’ll tell you later. But please, answer my question?”

  “I don’t know Jimmy; I don’t think I want to. You know…”

  “No, I don’t know.” Jimmy started to raise his voice, “Is it because you are afraid that you will have to give up control of your life? I mean you already do that when you drink anyways. When you are drunk you have no control over yourself. I have seen some of the things that you do with yourself and they aren’t pretty. Come on! What more is it going to take to convince you?”

  Tears welled up in Jessica’s eyes. Half of her wanted to go through with it and the other half held her back.

  “Look what is says in Revelation 21:8: ‘“But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”’

  “I’m not saying you are all of those, but do you want to live the rest of eternity burning and feeling like you are always dying? Do you want to feel anguish and pain for the rest of your life? Maybe that is how you feel now, because you wanted to kill yourself. Maybe you thought that if you could get out of this life then you could escape the pain. No you cannot.

  “What did you think would happen after you died? Do you think that it all just disappears? As I told you before about history. You must believe the Bible if you believe what happened in the history books.” Jimmy paused then said, “You know that last night when I saw your car—”

  Now Jessica was really crying and she just shook her head. Jimmy couldn’t tell whether it was of surrender or because she didn’t want to do it. Jimmy laid a hand on her shoulder and said, “Jessica, I love you. Not just as a colleague/helper but more than a friend. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I think it is about time that you embrace what is going on in your life.”

  “Why didn’t you ask me out then?” Jessica inquired through sobs.

  “Well, I almost did. The Bible says that we should not yoke ourselves to unbelievers and I asked my pastor about it and he didn’t really take my stance on it. When I realized that this Mark fellow was going after you I got a bit jealous and I didn’t like him. I thought I would have been better for you. I thought that God wanted me to go out with you anyways and save you from this guy.

  “It didn’t work out when I tried to, so I thought He had other plans for you. It turns out that I was right and now you are here in the hospital with a suicide attempt to your name and I am trying to convince you to take action.”

  “Why doesn’t He just tell me to do it or do it for me?”

  “Because He gave us a choice to worship Him or not.”

  “But if He made us for that then why not just make all of us worship Him instead of us choosing?”

  “The way I understand it is: would you rather have people who are paid to become your fans or people who willingly became your fans because they like your music or you?”

  “Fans who actually like me and my music.”

  “See, same thing with God; He gave us a free will and does not want anyone to go to hell. However, people have to want to follow Him, He isn’t going to make the choice for anyone.”

  “Then why did He make me? Why not make me someone else or just not at all?”

  “Because He has a special plan for you.”

  “And what would that be?”

  “I don’t know! I don’t have an answer to all your questions. He hasn’t revealed His plan for you to me yet.”

  Jessica pondered it for a bit and then said, “So let me get this straight. If I do say yes to this eternal life, I would know what His plan is and I will go to heaven and He forgives all of my sins. You don’t have to do good things to get to heaven?”

  “No you don’t have to, all you have to do is ask. It says in the Bible, ‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.’
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  “It clearly states that it isn’t ‘by works’, but the grace is ‘the gift of God’. Also, grace cannot be earned but it is given, that it why is is a gift from God.”

  “Sounds simple enough.”

  “You need to remember though that it is a lifetime commitment and not something that you do on the day and then forget about it. And you will have to change the way you live, talk; you need to follow His rules, and changing some of your friends to ones who also walk with Christ will help,” Jimmy reminded her sternly.

  “Well, that doesn’t matter, seeing I have no friends anyways.”

  Jimmy was dumbfounded, she had many friends. “What about Brittany? And, well, I guess Mark isn’t one of them. But me?”

  “No, and I forgot about you. Jimmy, I want to do it. Can you pray with me?”

  Jimmy was stunned. “Like right now? Are you even ready?”

  “You yourself said that we don’t know how much time we have left on this earth.”

  “OK, but you really need to mean it when you tell Him.”

  He looked into Jessica’s eyes and he could tell that she was serious.

  “You’re right, He knows if you mean it or not.”

  “So can you pray with me?”

  “I would be most glad to. Would you like to repeat after me or do you want to do it yourself?”

  “Heavenly father, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Jimmy was amazed when she already started and she hadn’t even asked how to start or say anything. Jimmy leaned forward, forearms on his knees, head bowed and resting on the chair, and eyes closed he prayed with her.

  ____________

  Jessica already felt a little bit better just from those eight words. “I believe in You and that Your Word is true. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God and that He died on the cross so that I may now have forgiveness for my sins and eternal life.

  “I am sorry for those drunken nights. I know that, with the help of my dear friend Jimmy, without you in my heart my life is meaningless. I believe in my heart that you, Lord God, raised Him from the dead. Please, Jesus, forgive me, for every sin I have ever committed or done in my heart, please Lord Jesus forgive me and come into my heart as my personal Lord and Savior today. I need You to be my Father and my Friend.

  “I give You my life and ask You to take full control from this moment on; I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." Jessica immediately felt the burden and depression that weighed her down for so long was now gone.

  As Jessica was about to get up Jimmy put his hand on her shoulder and she sat back down. With one arm still on her shoulder he prayed, “Father, thank You for this new sister in Christ. I ask that You would use her for Your glory and Your glory alone. I ask that she would have a hunger for Your Word and that You would show her the will You have for her. Please give her the courage and desire to fulfill it. Bless her, in Jesus’ name I pray; amen.”

  They got up and Jimmy embraced her. He pulled back and Jessica said, “So now does that mean we can go out?”

  “Don’t tell me that is the reason why you said what you just said.”

  “It isn’t, but I really need to get home, can you drive me there?”

  “Unless you are discharged now by the hospital you can’t go. But I can get something if you forgot it.”

  “Yeah, please get my parents. I’d like to have a few words with them.”

  “Ah,” Jimmy understood what she was going to do. “Well, I can call them to come here?” Jimmy looked around and dug his phone out of his pocket. It had survived the ocean water and was functioning very nicely.

  “You mean that still works?”

  “Yeah, it does.” Jimmy spoke on the phone and Jessica could barely make out her mother’s voice. She choked up and turned away. When Jimmy finished Jessica said, “Now, tell me how you found me and got me out of the car?”

  NINETEEN

  Backstage Jessica Hall still felt the energy of the crowd as they started to disperse. Her pulse still racing after an enthusiastic and energetic performance in New York City. It was late and Jessica started to wind down. She took a quick shower and changed into sweatpants and a sweater.

  Back in her hotel room Jessica bathed again as she reflected on the past few months. She was finally happy and content; the feelings were unlike the ones she had felt before her suicide attempt. She no longer felt a piece missing. Everything was in place. Her family was now a better place since she got right with her parents. It was tough for Jessica to fess