The Winter Games

by Sharp, Dr. Rebecca

  I missed this. I missed talking to her like this. For a long time, I thought that Evan dying had put up a wall between us, that I hadn’t just lost him, but he’d made me lose my best friend as well. I was starting to see that the wall might have been partially of my own making.

  “I’m not ghosting him. It’s been less than twelve hours,” I defended myself staunchly. “I just… I’m overwhelmed by how I feel, and I don’t want to turn back into the girl I was because of it.”

  “Look, as the consummate third wheel in your relationship with my brother,” she said sternly, prying one hand from mine to pick up my phone and hand it to me. “The girl you were was because of my brother. And just because I love him and just because he’s gone doesn’t mean how he treated you was right… because it wasn’t.”

  My eyes blinked rapidly as tears pooled in the corners. I hadn’t cried—least of all about Evan—in years. And here I was, twice in just as many days, because of the people who cared enough to insist I wasn’t wrong and I wasn’t alone.

  “Oh Jac.” She stood and pulled me in for another hug. “I hope you don’t think I believed him to be faultless this whole time. Is that… is that why you didn’t want to talk to me?”

  Guilt burned in my stomach. “I just… I didn’t want to hurt you. After he died, I didn’t want to rub salt in your wound over what being with him did to me… of what he did to me.”

  She pulled back and I could see the despair that had broken over her features. Of course, we’d stayed friends over the years, but there’d been a huge chunk of our relationship lost after Evan’s funeral.

  I’d been hurt, and I couldn’t share that hurt with her because she’d just lost her brother. We’d both been in pain for different reasons.

  “I should have told you sooner, Jac. I should have insisted that we talk about it. I always thought maybe I was wrong when you never mentioned anything… that maybe I just saw what was on the surface and that you truly loved him. I thought that’s why you never wanted to talk to me about it, because it hurt too much.”

  “It did, but not for that reason,” I said softly, wiping my face even though the tears wouldn’t stop.

  This was it: the uncharted waters. We were floating in their murky depths and I had no idea how we’d gotten in so deep so fast. This was not how I pictured the conversation going, but I knew there was only one way out and I fought it. It was one thing for her to think we were unhappy, it was another to tell her the truth.

  “Tell me, Jac. Whatever it is.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t. It’s nothing.”

  “If it’s nothing, then I’m nothing to you. I just told you that you’re like a sister to me. I’ve already lost my brother, please don’t make me lose you, too,” she begged.

  I choked on a sob, and then I cracked.

  “It hurt because I left him, Maris. That day on the mountain, I told him we were done and that’s why he ended up falling. We weren’t racing, he was chasing me.”

  Her eyes steeled and then she said one more thing that I never would have seen coming. “What did he do?”

  I didn’t have to ask why she thought or how she knew that it was his fault. Somehow, it felt like a part of her already knew—already sensed that he’d done something pretty bad.

  “He was cheating on me with Andrea,” I said, my breath barely above a whisper. “I went to talk to him… because things weren’t right… and I found them together.”

  I’d kept quiet for so long, endured so many rumors, so many hurts, in order to avoid this moment—the one where the truth darkened her brother’s memory. And yet, here I was.

  Waiting.

  She said nothing for one of those minutes that felt like an hour. Suddenly, I was wrapped tight in her arms again as she sobbed.

  “I’m so sorry, Jac.”

  My tears stopped, that was how shocked I was by the strength of her love and empathy. Bitterly, I realized it wasn’t just my worth in his eyes that Evan ruined, but he’d brought me down to believing I wasn’t deserving of anyone else’s love or respect either.

  “It’s not your fault, Maris,” I finally uttered. “Don’t apologize. Please, don’t.”

  As she loosened her death grip, her face, all red and splotchy came back into view.

  “I know it’s not. But it is my fault for not saying something sooner. I should have known… I should’ve known there was more to why you never wanted to talk about him—why it was more than just a fight that kept you from the hospital. I feel like such an idiot,” she groaned.

  “You’re not an idiot. You lost your brother, Maris. You’re not an idiot for seeing what was a logical response even though it wasn’t the truth. If anything, I should’ve been the one to have the guts to tell you. I should’ve been thinking about what it would do to us and not just what it would do to his memory.”

  We hugged each other for a few more minutes, truth and tears washing down the wall that had come between us—both trying so hard not to hurt the other.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “I’m sorry, too.”

  However we got here, however long it had taken, and no matter how hard it was, I felt another wave of relief wash over me and take more of the weight of my past off my shoulders. I thought keeping this to myself made me strong. Now that she knew the truth, I started to feel like keeping it inside had only made me weak.

  “Now,” she said with a large sigh. “What are you going to do about the ghosting?”

  I let out a watery laugh and wiped my eyes again. “Not ghosting. Just not sure…”

  “That you like him? Because you seemed pretty damn sure.”

  I chewed on my lip. I was sure. I was too sure. But five years was a lot of habit to erase.

  “I feel like I’m walking on ice. Unmarked. Uncracked. Perfect and glistening. And when I look at it, I see me… and him. I see happiness I didn’t think was in the cards for me.” I pulled a hand through the short strands of my hair. “And it seems so solid right now. So perfectly formed, that each step forward gets harder and harder wondering if that’s the one that’s going to make it crack and send everything crumbling underneath me.”

  She thought for a minute and then spoke. “Or maybe it’s not ice… Maybe it’s just a mirror, and the only thing you’re afraid of is that you can actually see yourself in a relationship with him.” She gave me an encouraging smile. “That you can see a different future for yourself with him in it.”

  I swallowed over the lump in my throat. She was right. I was seeing a future where I wasn’t alone. A future with love. And that was a sight unfamiliar to me, so naturally, I assumed it was only temporary—like ice in the winter. Stable in the clear cold, but as soon as I let the prospect kindle and warm inside of me, it would weaken and melt away.

  “So, you think I should ask him to come over?” I bit into my lip.

  “You do what you want, Jac, but I’ll tell you right now, if you think this”—she waved her arms in front of me—“is you being distracted, the way to fix that is not to run from those feelings. That will make it a thousand times worse. Especially when you look at him the way you do.”

  “Oh?” I laughed. “And how’s that?”

  She pretended to think for a minute and then winked. “Like Leia looks at Han.”

  NOT EVEN FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, there was a knock at the door.

  I told him Marissa was home tonight even though she was currently in the shower. I told him it had been a long day—and it had. And I also told him that I missed him because that was the only truth that mattered.

  The goosebumps that ran down my spine raced the beating of my heart as I opened the door and found Prince Charming on the other side.

  Gray sweatpants and a tight white V-neck were what fairy tales were made of.

  His shoulders visibly sagged when I answered the door in my shorts and C3PO tee.

  “Hi.”

  “Hey.”

  A second later, his lips were against mine,
his hands angling my head in the way that molded us perfectly together and gave our tongues the most room to play. But there was nothing playful about tonight. He kissed me like it was everything he needed after a long day—like I was the safe harbor after the storm.

  “You okay?” he rasped as he backed me through the doorway and closed the door behind him. His eyes bored into mine, searching for any sign that something had happened today after he left—something he could’ve prevented—and I’d kept it from him.

  “Yeah.” I nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “Did anyone—”

  I shook my head and cut him off, “No. I didn’t talk to anyone today except Danny.”

  He let out a loud sigh, and I bit the corner of my lip. My Prince Charming, always looking to take down anyone who even blinked at me wrong.

  “Are you okay?” I returned.

  If he hadn’t been with me the last two nights, I would have said that he looked like he hadn’t slept in days—and while we’d definitely stayed up past my bedtime, I knew he’d eventually gotten some sleep.

  With a tortured groan, his forehead fell to mine and his hands gripped my waist, tugging me closer. “I need to talk to you, Jac.”

  My body tensed. Reflex. Sometimes, I swore that I’d spent more time preparing my defense in the past five years than I had perfecting my skiing.

  “What’s wrong? What happened?” My brow furrowed and I couldn’t stop myself from pulling away.

  “I met with Jackson Pyle this afternoon,” Kyle began with a tight voice.

  “Who?” I shook my head, my brow scrunching in confusion. What was he talking about?

  “He’s the PI that I was going to call—that I did call,” he explained as my world tilted on its axis.

  After everything I’d just told Marissa, now Kyle was here, telling me he went against what I’d asked him not to do. Crack.

  “What?” I breathed out, the air surrounding the word feeling like fire as it escaped my lips.

  I stumbled back, not knowing what was worse—what he’d done or the fact he didn’t hold onto me as I recoiled.

  “Jac—”

  “I told you not to call him.” My voice was a monotonous misery set to sharp, stony syllables. “You asked and—”

  “I know. I know what you said but—fuck,” he swore and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I shouldn’t have started there. That’s not—”

  “What do you mean started?” I demanded, trying to keep the betrayal from seeping into my tone. “What else could matter, Kyle? I told you to leave it alone. I said I could handle it. I said I would be fine. This is my life we are talking about, and my fucking decision.”

  Words fell from my lips, jumbled with disbelief that seeped from my aching heart. I asked him not to do this—told him not to—and he’d gone behind my back and done it anyway.

  Why?

  Why would he break his word?

  “Because I saw them, Jac,” he ground out. “I heard them whispering in the security shed. She was asking for a key to the lockers—to all of them. I had to do something. I had to ask him—”

  Whispering. Key.

  I ran my hands over my face, shaking my head back and forth. This was all unbelievable.

  “No, you had to talk to me,” I broke in bitterly. “That’s what you had to do but didn’t.”

  “Jac, you were on the fucking mountain, what was I supposed to do? There isn’t a lot of time to catch them… to stop them… to do whatever the hell I have to do to make sure this situation ends here.”

  My eyes burned with unshed tears.

  I heard his concern. But I also heard him admit to cutting me out of the loop on my own life. Out of a loop that had, in many ways, defined me over the last couple of years.

  “She wanted him to meet her there tomorrow night.” Now, he reached for me—a plea to listen. “I had to do something…”

  But at that point, I saw his lips moving but I couldn’t hear anything but the thumping of the blood through my veins.

  For someone who locked away her emotions for so long, the force with which they were all hitting me now—the ones from before, the ones from my confession to Marissa, my doubts, my fears, my hopes, and now, my hurt. It was too much.

  And this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

  In some ways, this hurt worse than Evan’s betrayal. They’d both lied to me. Maybe for some, Kyle’s lie wasn’t as damaging as cheating, but to me it was worse. I hadn’t had much hope for Evan and me when I went looking for him that day. But Kyle, he always did the right thing, he always did what he said he would. And he always respected my decisions—he’d always respected me. But I guess everyone reached a point where they thought I needed help taking care of myself and my life. Even Kyle.

  For the first time since I’d met him, I felt like he’d done the wrong thing. He’d broken his word to me, and it felt like that perfectly clear and beautiful world had fallen out from beneath my feet.

  I didn’t realize how much I’d come to trust him until this moment when I felt like it was all gone.

  All the magnified sounds that drowned out everything but my thoughts suddenly shrunk to nothing. Kyle was standing in front of me, his eyes piercing and sorrowful.

  “Jac, please listen to me.”

  I shook my head numbly and shoved him away with both of my hands even as I felt my heart scream and kick against the cage of my chest, fighting silently against the words I then spoke, “Please, leave.”

  “Jac—”

  “Please,” I begged. “I can’t—I can’t do this right now. Not before this weekend. I can’t. You promised… you lied.”

  I couldn’t finish a coherent sentence, that’s what I couldn’t do.

  Kyle stood like he wanted to fight, but couldn’t because I’d just ripped his heart from his chest. Seemed fair since that’s what it felt like he’d done to mine. With a harsh nod of defeat, the man who almost always did the right thing turned for the door.

  Pausing with his hand on the knob, he tilted his head back over his shoulder.

  “I had more information and I made a choice. If you heard what I did, saw what I saw, you would’ve done the same thing,” he rasped painfully. “You want to know the truth? What’s true is my lips when they touch yours. What’s true is the way your heart beats in sync with mine. What’s true is the way that I’ve never felt about anyone or anything the way I feel about you. That is what’s true. And I’m sorry, but when it comes to your safety, Jac, I’d make the same damn decision every goddamn day because you’re my woman and I’m in love with you and if you weren’t so damn stubborn, you’d see that it’s not a weakness to let someone love you right.”

  He loved me.

  Prince Charming was in love with me.

  His head ducked in love-torn guilt. “I’m sorry if you think that’s what I was trying to do.” Shimmering eyes snapped back to mine, stealing my breath and the last bits of my broken heart as he added, “I’ll go, but only because I know what I did was the right thing to protect you, even though I couldn’t talk to you about it first, and I will gladly sacrifice myself to save you any day.”

  “I didn’t ask you to sacrifice yourself,” I said thickly, wrapping my arms around me and searching for any pieces left of my cold shell that could protect me. “I asked you to talk to me. And the difference is the line between being Prince Charming and nothing more than a bully in bronze armor.”

  His jaw ticked, but he didn’t argue.

  Instead, he warned once more as the door shut behind him, “Be careful, Jac. This isn’t nothing anymore…”

  When the door shut, I realized he’d taken every ounce of strength I thought I had with him when he left.

  “Jac?” Marissa appeared outside her bedroom door, taking one look at me before she jogged over and pulled me against her. “Oh my God. What happened?”

  Hot, regret-laden tears spilled down my cheeks as I rested on her shoulder in silence. A few minutes later, I felt
her pulling me down as she sunk onto the couch and I curled my knees into my chest. I’d forgotten about this part—the part where they can hurt you.

  Truthfully, I’d never really known this part. Evan had hurt me but not like this. This felt like I’d held my future in my hands, something more than a cold slab of gold, and the warmth and promise of a life with love was fading fast.

  With a strained, thick voice, I told her about Kyle’s fears regarding Andrea and how I asked him to please not do anything. And then, how tonight he’d shown up having done exactly that.

  “Why? What changed?” she prodded gently.

  “I-I don’t know,” I stammered. Whispering. Keys. Sneaking back in. I recalled keywords that now sounded much more ominous than when he’d first said them. The shock of what he’d done outweighed the shock of the incidents he’d witnessed.

  Should I be concerned?

  Reality hit me like a bag of bricks. Kyle had gone and done this knowing what my reaction would be.

  Should I be concerned he’d been willing to risk it all over what he’d seen and heard?

  My brow furrowed. “He said he loved me, but he lied to me. I told him to leave it alone. I told him it would be fine.”

  Marissa clasped my hands in hers, thinking for a moment while I tried not to suffocate from the pain binding at my chest.

  “But what if it’s not, Jac? I mean I get that it’s been five years and you’d think people would get over stuff. But some people don’t. Some people will hold something against you forever, especially the kinds of people who would sabotage their own career to ruin yours. I mean, that’s not normal.” She gripped my hands tighter and scooted closer to me on the couch. “I’m not taking sides, but as your friend, I probably would have done the same thing even if you asked me not to.”

  “I don’t need anyone to take care of me,” I insisted stubbornly.

  She reached over and grabbed my shoulders like she was going to shake me. Instead, she pulled me into a hug.

  “Jac, first off, everybody needs somebody,” she said softly. “Maybe not all the time or for everything, but you can’t live life alone. I mean, you’re the best skier in the world, do you not need Danny? Why would you need a trainer at this point?”