Watching From a Distance

by Abigail Isaac

  ###

  I fill out the form for Mati by that evening. Mom tells me we should know if it works by midnight my time. But with that Mati’s life looming over my head and the guilt that my cali may kill a girl, my small room feels like a cage.

  When Ka’za finally calls me to her room late that night, I want nothing more than not to go. I know logically we plan for things like this. That’s why we conduct medical scans and do a diagnostic comparison of our treatment on all aliens before we contact. She should survive.

  Should.

  Which is a lot better than Mati at the moment.

  So perhaps, she will not lecture me. Either way though, I must go. Delaying will not help my case.

  When I enter, she stands with her back to the door, her hair down and dressed in casual clothes. She only wears her hair and clothing like that when she can finally relax. The light catches her purple hair beautifully and, for a moment, my breath catches.

  She finishes pouring a second cup of tea, then turns. “Turned out your accidental poisoning resulted in us finding his daughter’s leukemia. Since we offered to treat his daughter, he agreed to sign a trade agreement with us. Not what I would have predicted, but good nonetheless.”

  I pause long enough to allow me to respond evenly, so my embarrassment doesn’t show in my emotions. “You should be aware, my lady, she surprised me. I’ve never thought--never could have predicted--”

  “Have a drink, Reve.” She hands me some tea and sits herself. I stare at the cup a moment, my mind spinning between this conversation, Mati and Daisy. Ka’za isn’t acting right but I can’t place why. Strange, because I can read her so well most of the time. “And sit. As it turns out, kissing is fairly common on Dipson-3. It’s not restricted for only marriage and not nearly as intimate as it is for us. President Lee did apologized for his daughter’s forwardness though and I assured him I would pass on his message.”

  She brings it up so casually that all my pent up embarrassment leaks free. I feel my ears burn and try to hide it by sitting. Ka’za at least pretends her tea is more interesting.

  “I’ve been trying to convince Captain Rowley to stay but he is stubborn. And very much in love.” She glances at me. “Ever thought of applying for his position?”

  Two thoughts occur in my head simultaneously. If Captain Rowley stays, I stay. If she’s suggesting I apply for his position, then maybe she won’t transfer me after all.

  “My lady, I don’t think that is necessarily advisable. You need someone--who--” I couldn’t say trust, because that sounded wrong. Some part of her trusted me or she would never go into strange territory with only me at her side. But someone whose company she enjoyed--that could describe our situation. The captain of the purple guard works very closely with her. Far more than I do now.

  She studies my face for a moment, and then does something that I never expected she would do. She misjudges a situation. “So what if you’re from North Harbor? It hasn’t effective your performance. I wouldn’t know if I didn’t read your record.”

  “I didn’t mean that!” I can feel my ears redden again. Of course it would be on my record, but the fact that she remembers it can mean anything. I am probably the only purple guard from North Harbor and I hate that people make a point of it. Yet, she says it with such casualness that it can’t be why she hates me.

  “Then what?” She brushes back her hair and studies me. Her face is open, honest, clear. My chest tightens. From where I sit, I can so easily lean over and brush my fingers along those soft hands of hers. Then brush back her hair that curls slightly around her cheek. The long, dark hair that I want to touch whenever she wears it down like this. To feel the silkiness through my fingers.

  Forget the fact that she hates me. I can’t take that position, work that closely with her, and always hide my feelings. Sooner or later, my shields will slip. Then where would I be? It’d be worse than now. This is just fate’s cruel punishment for not transferring myself earlier.

  I take a long drink to force myself into blankness. Mentally, I grope for what is off but I still can’t tell.

  “If you did, Reve--” she says my name so slowly, like she savors it-- “no one would question your motives or status.” Two fingers touch my hand--just barely. Almost hover over it. My breath catches as I look down. Her delicate fingers send shivers down my back. I want nothing more than to respond. To wrap her hand in mine. To actually believe what her touch should mean. That she wants to be with me.

  This must be a dream. I look at a clock. 11:52. So this isn’t a dream. I turn back to Ka’za. “My lady--” The words catch in my throat. What does one say when an unattainable woman abruptly becomes attainable?

  She blinks. For a moment--the briefest of moments--I can sense that she doubts herself. That she--she is scared. Not of me. No. But of what I may say. That she is misreading the situation.

  She pulls her hand away and stands. She doesn’t speak until she is several yards from me. “I can hear what everyone says. That I hate you. That they can’t understand why you haven’t been transfered already. When I first saw you--I pretended that anything I felt didn’t matter. Sure, I found you attractive but I’ve seen a lot of attractive men. You were just some A-guards that my uncle picked based on scores and recommendations so I couldn’t find an immediate fault with you. I never expected that under your quiet guise would be someone as gentle, kind and generous as you.”

  She finally turns back to me. “Then, at Jaroin you saved me. That--and other things--I knew I would never find anyone like you again. But I couldn’t transfer you out yet. And I couldn’t admit to my uncle what I felt. What would it matter anyway? There was hardly a chance you would give me a second glance. But the more I learned about you and what you do--how you keep so little for yourself so you can help your family--how you love children not as an obligation--how you don’t ever lord your position over anyone--the more I feel for you. Sometimes--like when you carried that girl back to her mother--I force myself to look away and remind myself that you will never notice a random lady you guard like me. But--sometimes, when you don’t check your shields, and I wonder....”

  I swallow. “My--” I swallow again down a dry throat. “Ka’za, are you--do you--” My mind is blank. I take a slow breath. I need to focus. There is irony. I am the one who needs the words that Ka’za doesn’t have. Words so I can know what she means; perhaps, even--dare I?--say what I feel for her.

  Suddenly, she drops her shields and I realize what I missed. Up until now, she has been guarding her emotions as tightly as I. And her emotions--they are strong and true and complete. An affection that matches what I hide inside myself for so long. Nothing like the tangled mess that came from Daisy. Confusion that I doubted I could ever unravel. Unbidden, my shields fall and my emotions become hers to read.

  She meets my eyes. For the longest moment, we say nothing, just swept away by what the other feels.

  “It--would not be appropriate for my A-guard to be my beau,” Ka’za whispers.

  I find my voice. “In truth, Ka’za, I notice everything about you. I know how you hate the translator, and take it out especially quick when you are tired. I know how you cannot deflect strong emotions well and how your eyebrows lower when the emotion is especially overwhelming. I know how you wear your hair up so you feel older, and so they take you more seriously, but that you prefer to for it to be down because you then feel pretty. And so, so many other things, Ka’za. I--also know I should have transfered myself away months ago, because of my emotions.”

  Ka’za holds my eyes. “As a captain of the guard--relationships happen often enough. No one would disapprove.”

  “Would you listen to me if I were?”

  She smiles faintly, a teasing smile. “As well as I listen to Captain Rowley.” She puts her hand on mine. No doubts. No hesitations.

  I close my hand around her small one. Now this--this feels right. “Why now though? After two years?”

  “Because when
the thought of anyone else--crazy Dipson-3 girl or not--kissing you made me as angry as it did, I knew it had to be addressed. Even if that meant rejection.”

  I shake my head, amazed. Never would I have imagined this would come from that.

  My cell buzzes. I jump and pull back. It’s practically midnight. “I’m--sorry. I need to check this.”

  She nods, though curious.

  Mati’s heart has stabilized and her blood pressure is almost normal. They’re already thinking it worked. We’ll know more in the morning when her blood count comes back. So far, so good though. --Mom

  As my muscles relax, I realize how tense and fearful I had been that message would bring bad news. All my fear for nothing. Mati would be fine. I glance at Ka’za. Only then do I realize that she can sense my emotions right now. I shove my cell back in my pocket, slightly embarrassed.

  “What is it?”

  I pause. I feel almost guilty letting her hear this. She hasn’t asked that question with the expectation of such a serious answer. But I also don’t want to keep anything from her right now--or ever if I can help it. “My youngest sister was caught in the middle of a riot in North Harbor. She’s been in ICU for almost two weeks. We’ve had--serious doubts she would make it but--good news. For now.”

  “Reve--why--didn’t you say something?” She almost sounds hurt, or