The Heart Beats in Secret

by Katie Munnik

  He started asking me to join him in the afternoons. ‘Just a wee blether and a cup of tea, wouldn’t that be nice?’

  He told me about his childhood in the countryside, not far from Biggar, about the hills there and the clear sky at night. He asked me how I liked school, about my parents and how they were feeling. Once he asked me what my plans might be for after school and I waffled nervously. I really hadn’t thought that far, not in detail at least. I imagined a flat somewhere. Maybe over in Glasgow, though Edinburgh might be more practical. I would be chipping in with other girls, of course. Cooking small meals over a hotplate, sharing adventures. The previous Christmas, I’d worked the January sales in Patrick Thomson’s, and one of the other temporary girls talked on about her bedsit, which sounded exciting. I could imagine that. But just what I’d be doing there, I hadn’t a clue. That wasn’t an answer to Dr Ballater’s question. So, I said I was looking into university and might read geology. It didn’t sound unreasonable as I said it.

  He suggested that nursing might be a better fit.

  ‘It’s a good life and there are always those that need helping.’

  In the end, that’s what I did. Signed up for the new degree programme at Edinburgh University and found a flat-share which was cold and nowhere near as romantic as I’d hoped. We all worked hard and stayed over in the hospital when we could, to keep warm. Sometimes, we went for coffee or to the films, and on Saturday evenings we were welcome to join the boys at the student union for the weekly dance.

  The spring I graduated, one of the medical students invited me to the May Ball and I cut my hair like Sylvie Vartan, bobbed and fringed. I barely knew him and we danced until they turned the lights on. Was that polite? I suppose it was. Then he walked me home to my student digs in Marchmont, a long beautiful saunter along Coronation Walk. The cherry blossom was thick overhead and underfoot – blossom soup, blossom salad – and the night was so clear and almost bewitching, but he was certainly polite and I wished he wasn’t. I climbed the stairs alone and felt a little guilty for my loneliness as I fell asleep. In the morning, I caught a train home to East Lothian to see my parents, the sea and the sky dirt-pearl grey.

  There was a job waiting for me with Dr Ballater. That worked out rather well. My parents were happy to have me home again, and we all knew that it wouldn’t be a permanent arrangement, but in the meantime, I could save up for a car. I banked my money in an empty margarine tub on the shelf next to my alarm clock.

  For the next five years, I worked for Dr Ballater. Each year, I weighed and measured all the schoolchildren, and inspected their scalps. I bought that car and established a rota of housebound widows who might benefit from a visiting nurse. In the autumn, I helped with the kirk jumble sale. In the spring, it was the Easter tea. Mum couldn’t be bothered with all the village business, as she called it. She was far happier pruning the trees in her orchard or foraging about in the hedgerows. Sometimes, she would have the minister’s wife round for a cup of tea or Muriel would come up from Drem, but mostly, she and Dad lived quietly and left the social affairs to me. I found I liked it when the village ladies dropped by the surgery with invitations and requests for assistance. It kept me busy and helpful. Cheerful, as befits.

  Then it was February 1967 and I noticed snowdrops beside the surgery door. Maybe they grew there every spring but I only noticed them that February afternoon when the front windows were open and Dr Ballater was whistling, a thin, windy whistle, lilting and sweet.

  I opened the door softly, hung my coat on the hook in the hallway and checked my hair in the mirror. Combing it back into place with my fingers, I wondered if it might be time for a trim.

  Dr Ballater was still whistling when I entered his room and noticed the tea tray was already placed on his desk. He asked me to marry him.

  Abrupt as that.

  I said nothing, and he apologized, the meat of his face flushing red.

  ‘I should let you come in the door properly. I should let you settle.’ He turned away from me, adjusting the mugs on the tray. ‘Can I pour you a cup of tea?’

  ‘Yes. Thank you, Dr Ballater.’ The words felt brittle in my mouth.

  ‘George. Please,’ he said, and his hands shook a little as he filled a mug, or maybe it was just that the pot had been overfilled. ‘There. Milk? Sugar?’

  ‘Yes. Please.’

  A splash and then two spoonfuls, heaped, and he placed the mug in front of me, awkwardly passing me the spoon, too, in case I wished to stir my tea. I did and then crossed my ankles.

  ‘So, will you?’

  ‘I … I don’t know. I didn’t …’

  ‘No, no. I’ve rushed things, I’m sure. You didn’t expect this. I can see that now. But I do … I should think you will need to marry someone. You are not the kind of girl who wouldn’t. I should be glad if you would have me. I can always find another nurse.’

  The wind caught the curtain, blowing it out into the room with a curve like a bell, and I thought of those snowdrops outside. They must have been there every year. They must.

  ‘Here, this is for you, Felicity,’ he said, my name sounding too soft as he held out his hand stiffly, giving me a twenty-pound note. ‘Take it. You might like to go buy yourself a dress from Edinburgh, or something of that ilk over the weekend, and think, think about it. We will speak next week.’

  The steps out of Waverley station were always windy, and I hadn’t worn my working shoes. My good shoes – low heels, patent leather toes and a clever covered buckle – made an unfamiliar click as I climbed the steps. I’d worn my trench coat, too, which might be protection against any rain, but wasn’t really warm enough at all. The weather was bright and brisk with thin grey clouds wisped high over the castle as I walked towards Woolworths. This was silly, I thought. I didn’t need a dress. I didn’t want a dress. Maybe I should head to the top floor for a coffee in the tartan-carpeted restaurant. Instead, I browsed the book selection. Twenty pounds would buy me a very solid armload of stories. But that wasn’t what Dr Ballater had in mind.

  So, instead I found a white pillbox hat made of thick felt, which matched my trench coat and looked stylish. I also bought a leather bag with a good shoulder strap and two stout handles. The kind of thing you might take for a weekend away somewhere. Paris. Bruges. Would Dr Ballater take me to Paris? Would we sit together on a terrace drinking coffee, or a glass of wine, even? If I said yes, I would find out, I supposed. That was the trick of it. I had to give him an answer and things were going to change whatever it might be. The shop girl wanted to wrap my hat and place it in a smart box, but I told her that I would like to wear it. She paused, then said, Of course. I told her I could carry my bag, too, just as it was.

  I stepped out of the shop into a different day, the sky slate grey and a sharp wind. My mother would say that I really did need a pair of gloves, but the new leather handles felt good in my bare hand, and a brave face conceals all shivers. Which was something else she might say. I turned the collar up on my coat and adjusted my purse under my arm. If you didn’t know, you might just think that I had arrived in town from parts far flung and sophisticated rather than dumpy old East Lothian forty minutes away. Yet if that was true, and if I were really that person, why on earth would I come here? What would I want to see? Old stones and old folk standing in the rain.

  That morning, I’d told my parents about Dr Ballater’s suggestion.

  ‘Oh,’ said my mother.

  ‘And how are you going to respond?’ Dad asked.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘No,’ said Mum. ‘It looks like you don’t.’

  ‘Do you like him? You do, don’t you?’ Dad asked. ‘I knew his family during the war. Good people. He might be as good a chance at happiness as any.’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ said Mum. ‘He is older, isn’t he?’

  ‘Felicity has always been an old soul.’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, and it didn’t sound like encouragement. They didn’t say anything else, just sat togeth
er at the kitchen table, over half-cups of tea and the crossword puzzle like every other morning for the last hundred years. I kissed them both and said I’d be home again in the evening in time for tea.

  I crossed Princes Street towards the gardens, pushed along by a swift, rushing wind and my mind filled with the words of the old hymn – so wild and strong, high clouds that sail in heaven along – so filled, so full I could almost sing. But best not to. Spring wind or no, Edinburgh might not approve. I kept my peace and walked sedately into the garden. Past the gate, down and down the steps in my pinching shoes, no angel blocked the way, no flaming sword to bar my path, but a gardener walked towards me holding a giant arrow under his arms. He smiled and nodded at me and, looking the other way, I saw another gardener on the slope beside the steps, surrounded by dozens of small potted plants. I wondered if I imagined them, summoned them somehow. Only once I was sitting down did it occur to me that they must have been working on the floral clock. That would have been interesting to watch. Still, it felt so good to sit down and slip my shoes off for a moment.

  You are not the kind of girl who wouldn’t.

  What the hell did that mean? What kind of girl was I?

  Predictable. Suggestible. Polite.

  The castle looked down from its rock foundation like Edinburgh’s broken tooth against a threatening sky. I took off my hat and folded it in half, opened it again and set it on my skirt. A sensible skirt my mother had made me in hunter-green tweed with flecks of purple. The kind of material that might be fashioned into an interesting tea cosy.

  Then the rain started in earnest. Princes Street was crammed with cars, so I headed east. The North British Hotel has a lovely lobby, and I figured I could loiter there until it dried up a little. Stepping inside, I was surprised to see so many other women standing about. Mostly my age or younger, although also here and there, older women checking their watches and watching the crowd. A woman stepped forward, holding a clipboard. She wore her dark hair in a neat chignon, a serviceable broach pinned to her lapel.

  ‘Your interview number, please. Do you have it to hand?’

  ‘No, I—’

  ‘Did you not receive one by post? With your interview invitation?’

  ‘No. I didn’t.’

  ‘Oh dear. Another one. There have been so many slip-ups and confusions today. Some days run smoothly, and others … well, if you give me your name and details, I will add you to the list. Don’t spend a moment on worry, dear. It will come right in the end. Teaching or nursing? Teaching?’

  ‘No. Nursing.’

  ‘Ah, my apologies. I’m usually right with my guesses. Clever of you to catch me out. And better luck for you. Not so much of a crowd for nursing here today. Your name?’

  ‘Felicity. Felicity Hambleton.’

  ‘Perhaps doubly lucky, then. By name and by nature. It will be your turn soon.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  She smiled and turned to speak to the next girl come in from the rain, a redhead in NHS spectacles clutching a soggy brown envelope to her chest.

  So, nursing interviews. I’d never call it answered prayer, but maybe a way forward. I looked more carefully around the room and saw a sandwich board propped up near the reception desk.

  Agnew Employment Agency:

  Canadian Recruitment

  Teachers:

  Protestant School Board

  of Greater Montreal, Quebec

  Nurses and Midwives:

  Various – Montreal, Quebec,

  the Northern Territories

  Near the doors to the hotel ballroom, folding chairs were arranged in a row, and girls sat waiting, shuffling along each time a name was called. Teachers or nurses: so that was the game. For some, it was easy to guess. I looked for wristwatches, writers’ calluses, inky fingers. I could imagine chalk dust brushed out of tweed skirts that morning, shoes polished before bed last night. My own shoes looked the worse for wear, water spots marking the patent leather toes, but you pay a price for glamour in Scotland. And, as the lady said, I might just score a few points for being distinctive. I sat down, opened my handbag and applied more lipstick.

  Let’s see. Canada. The frozen north. What did I know about Canada? Cold and snow. Ice hockey. Indians. French. Oh dear. I hadn’t thought of that. Any job in Quebec would require French, wouldn’t it? Proper working French, which was likely a notch or two more advanced than mes lunettes sont sur la table. I tried to remember the other posters that hung on the French room wall at school. Les légumes verts. Les saisons. Chaud. Froid.

  When my name was called, I was thinking about imperfect conjugations. What the hell – let it happen, whatever it would be. It was sure to be better than a walk in the rain. I picked up my new bag, smiled at the girl sitting next to me and stepped into the ballroom.

  The interview was brief, the interviewer a thin, pale man in heavy glasses, sitting at one of the many small tables in the room, each with another interviewer just like him. He held a red Parker Duofold with a gold nib, but most of the notes were taken by the woman beside him. She sat very straight in her chair, her papers set at an angle on the tabletop, and she was writing with her left hand. She paused at the end of my name.

  ‘Avec un y,’ I said, quickly. ‘Not ie.’ The woman smiled. I crossed my ankles and straightened the hem of my skirt over my knees. The interviewer apologized for misplacing my details. There had been problems with the administration. Might I be able to send a fresh copy early next week?

  ‘Of course, of course. Pas de problème.’

  He asked about my experience and my training, nodding as I mentioned the University of Edinburgh.

  ‘That is one of the reasons why we are here. The best programme in Europe, it is. We’re lucky to be able to scoop up girls like you.’

  ‘Are there no appropriate Canadian nurses?’

  ‘Yes, yes, of course. Still, the Edinburgh degree programme is cutting edge, and there’s a greater chance of real bilingualism here than, say, in Edmonton. Your French is good, I assume?’

  ‘Bien sûr.’

  ‘The proximity to France, no doubt. And the Auld Alliance, too, I should think. Now then, Church of Scotland?’

  ‘Yes. Does that matter?’

  ‘No, it isn’t crucial. For the teachers, yes, with board regulations, but in the hospital, it can still help. Montreal is a city of Presbyterian expats, at least on the anglophone side.’

  ‘Quite.’

  ‘So, not the north? No grand polar adventure for you? Is it Montreal you want?’

  ‘Yes. Yes, I suppose it is.’

  His assistant spoke out in a clear, crisp voice.

  ‘You will do nicely.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I said, but she kept her face set and slid an envelope across the table towards me.

  ‘Here is a packet of information from the agency. In it, you will find a copy of the contract, details about immigration, and about Montreal as an international city. And, naturally, about the agency’s involvement with your career. There are forms to finalize as well. You will find it all quite self-explanatory. If you have any questions, there are telephone numbers for our representatives in London.’ She wrote a note next to my name, glanced at her watch, and looked past me towards the doors. All settled.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said again. The interviewer stood to shake my hand.

  ‘You’re welcome. Enjoy Canada.’

  Outside, the rain had stopped, and the afternoon was brash with daylight. I stepped away from the shadow of the hotel and onto the still-wet pavement. Pigeons, hundreds of pigeons clattered up before me, a broad arc of flight over the gardens and, above the castle, the sky was slashed open into gold, bright gold. All those wings and gold, too. My breath felt sharp and new, and, away to the west, the pavements shone.

  No one, it seems, is born just once.

  3

  PIDGE: 2006

  MY MUM TOLD STORIES WHENEVER WE TRAVELLED. We’d be hitchhiking out from the camp in the cab of some truck, head
ed to Ottawa, or Montreal, and I’d sit up on Felicity’s blue-jeaned knees, her long hair tickling my face as I leaned back into her skinny chest and all the way she’d make the driver laugh with her tall tales and stories, her toothy laughing smile. Sandy Gibb the Glass Man, astronauts at Expo and swimming pregnant in a moonlit lake. She could make a story of anything. Maybe I should have told her about this trip. I told the gallery that I needed time away to sort through my grandmother’s things. They filed that under ‘personal reasons’ and then reasonably told me to take as much time as I needed. I told Mateo that I would need to organize the details of her estate, and he said that he understood. I told myself I’d be cleaning the bungalow. Before I left Ottawa, I’d imagined lots of cleaning. All those large windows and the wooden floors, too. Linoleum tiles in the kitchen. Then the bath to scour, old pots to scrub, and Persian carpets to shake out in the sunshine. It seemed like therapeutic work. Cleansing. Solitary.

  Mateo said once that it was my aloneness that first caught him. I wondered if he meant loneliness, if he was mistranslating, but he said no, he meant aloneness. He said it was intriguing.

  Maybe it was living at the camp with Felicity. There was lots of time then to be alone. In the night when she was at the birthing house. Or in the afternoon, when she opened her books and settled down to work at the small table in our cabin and she liked to have the space to herself, so she sent me outside. In the summer, there were always lots of children to play with, but as soon as the nights got too cold for tents, the field would empty and I’d be alone again.