Jacob Michaels Is Not Crazy

by Chase Connor

“I can’t.”

  “Then don’t tell me directly,” I said. “Tell me without telling me.”

  Andrew’s head rose with a quizzical expression affixed to his face.

  “Everyone around here is an expert at speaking in riddles and telling half-truths and using subterfuge to cover up dirty little secrets. Surely, with your condition, you have similar experience. So…tell me without telling me. I’m becoming an expert at deciphering that shit lately.”

  Andrew’s eyes darted around.

  “Goddamnit. Tell me.” I leaned in to hiss.

  “I wasn’t really scared of Esther Jean until I figured out what she was.” He blurted it out lowly. “And I wasn’t scared of you. Until…I figured you out. And I’m scared of you the same way I’m scared of Esther Jean.”

  I stared at him.

  “That’s why you smell special.” He lowered his eyes. “But I wasn’t aware of the reason when I said it.”

  This would be the moment where I should tell you that I sat back in shock, as though slapped across the face with a sudden realization. That my whole world came crashing down and I had a sudden existential crisis—that I suddenly realized my whole life was a lie. That I’d been swindled. Bamboozled. That I didn’t know how I could go on living knowing what I now knew. That’s not what happened. I just picked up my coffee and brought it to my mouth. What Andrew said just confirmed the theory I had swirling in my brain.

  “You don’t seem affected by that.” Andrew’s brow furrowed.

  “It’s been kind of hard to shock me for a few days now.”

  Andrew just watched me.

  “Okay.” I tipped my coffee cup at him in thanks. “See ya’ ‘round.”

  I started to rise from the booth.

  “Wait.” Andrew frowned at me, his brow furrowing so deeply I thought that his face might crack wide open. “That’s it? ‘Okay’? That’s all you’re going to say to something like that?”

  “If I had something to say, I wouldn’t say it to you.”

  Harsh? Maybe. The man had turned into a werewolf and tried to attack me—after assaulting me in his car. Fair’s fair.

  “Ouch.”

  “I don’t trust you, Andrew,” I said, settling back into my seat. “I don’t trust pretty much anyone right now. And the fact that you actually tried to kill me doesn’t help your case for leniency.”

  “I didn’t mean to—”

  “Werewolf.” I nodded, got it.

  Andrew glanced around nervously.

  “How does that work, by the way?” I sipped my coffee. “You turn at the full moon, obviously, against your will. But how’d you become that, silver bullets, all of it? Tell me about your people.”

  Andrew glanced around again.

  “Oma said there’s a ‘were-community’ and they’re all about everywhere, so I’m curious about that.” I couldn’t believe I was having such a discussion in such a mundane place as a coffee shop. “I mean, do you have a pack? Like real wolves? Give me Werewolf one-oh-one here.”

  “I mean…I guess…it’s the least I could do.” Andrew mumbled.

  I snorted, amused.

  “I was…that…from birth.” Andrew began. “My mom and dad were, that, so, of course, I am, too. I’m a birthie, I guess.”

  “Birthie?”

  “It’s just kind of an unofficial term people in the community use.”

  “Ah. Being werewolves, you’d have thought they’d be more creative with their nomenclature, right?”

  “Like the uniqueness of a name like Jacob Michaels?” He replied impishly before looking down.

  I stared at Andrew. That had shocked me. But I refused to show it externally, even if my heart started beating rapidly and I was tempted to glance around to see if anyone had heard him say my stage name.

  “So, you’ve known.”

  He shook his head.

  “No.” He said, still looking down. “I didn’t recognize you until you decided to assault me at Esther Jean’s.”

  “Fair is fair, right?” I snorted. “You try to grab my junk I punch you in the face.”

  “We’re even?”

  “Not by a long shot.” I glared at him.

  “You’ve punched me twice.”

  “And you deserved it both times.”

  Surprisingly, Andrew just nodded and reached for his coffee tentatively.

  “There are a lot of other werewolves around, then?” I asked.

  Andrew sipped his coffee slowly as he thought of how to best answer that without sounding like a total weirdo. We were way past either of us sounding like weirdos, as far as I was concerned, so it was pointless to try to pretend to be otherwise. I was a grandson of a witch who had run off to Hollywood and had come back to find out the world as he knew it was a lie. Andrew was a werewolf. That’s just weird no matter how you look at it.

  “I mean, I guess.” He said slowly. “I don’t really know a lot of werewolves, per se, but there are a lot of weres all over the country. Probably the world, too.”

  “But you haven’t gotten outside of the country much, have you?”

  He shook his head.

  “Hard to travel when you’re not sure if you can safely be…this…somewhere else.”

  “You the only one in Point Worth?”

  “No.”

  “Who else?”

  He frowned at me like I was stupid. Fair enough.

  “It’d be like ‘outing’ someone, right?”

  He nodded.

  “Okay.” I sighed. “Fine. I just want to know that when the next full moon comes, you won’t come looking to eat me or mess with me and mine.”

  Andrew’s face twisted up in disgust.

  “That’s not how it works, Rob.” He sounded put out. “I was just in the beginning of the full moon cycle and wasn’t in full control of myself. That’s why I did what I did. We don’t turn into werewolves and then suddenly have thoughts of revenge or vengeance. Basic, primal instincts take over and, while you have some cognizance about being human the other days of the month, urges sometimes take over and make you do things you wouldn’t normally do. I’m not plotting out some nefarious plan to come get you or Esther Jean or…anyone.”

  I nodded. “Fine.”

  “The were-community,” Andrew chewed at his lip, “is secretive. And strict. I’d really appreciate it if you kept it to yourself about what happened. Jacob.”

  I laughed loudly.

  “Do you think threatening to expose who I really am is really that big of a deal that you can use it negotiate with me?” I snorted. “I mean, sure, it would make me have to avoid going out in public, but must be a Tuesday, Andrew. You have nothing to negotiate with or threaten me with so don’t embarrass yourself by pretending you do.”

  He turned red.

  “Except,” I sighed, “no one would believe me.”

  Andrew looked hopeful.

  “And I wasn’t planning to say anything to anyone who doesn’t know anyway.” I sighed. “I mean, what good would that do?”

  As I slid from my booth a second time, Andrew didn’t try to stop me. I grabbed my coffee and stood next to the table end and looked down at him.

  “As long as I don’t have to worry about you doing that shit again, we’re square.” Andrew gazed up at me. “And stay away from my grandmother. I still don’t fully trust you. At all.”

  “She’s going to think it’s odd if I don’t talk to her at the center.”

  “You’re smart. Think of an excuse.”

  Andrew watched me for a moment and then nodded. Obviously, we had an understanding.

  “Thanks for the coffee.” I motioned with the cup and started to turn away.

  “Rob.” He stopped me.

  I turned back to him, my face a mask.

  “Esther Jean isn’t the only thing you have to worry about.” He said lowly. “I wasn’t kidding about the were-community. They’re very secretive and strict. It’s best if they don’t know what happened between us. It wouldn’t b
e good for me.”

  I stared at him for a moment.

  “I’m not looking to cause you trouble, Andrew,” I said evenly. “I just had questions.”

  And then I walked away.

  Outside, the day was warming up, but it was still far from what normal people would refer to as Spring. I walked down the street, dropping the disposable cup into one of the city trash cans as I walked by. I hadn’t really drunk any of the coffee. I had just pretended as Andrew and I chatted. I still didn’t trust him in the slightest. Andrew had believed I drank it, though, so maybe I really could act.

  Chapter 13

  Ernst was on my bed, folding pairs of my jeans from a pile of laundry when I entered my bedroom, wanting to just be alone and have peace and quiet. After my early afternoon in Toledo and finding out very little useful information from Andrew, I wanted to go home and just think. Ernst or any of the little Kobolds being on my bed would distract from that activity. When I entered the room, a freshly purchased cup of coffee from a coffee joint in Toledo in hand, Ernst started at my appearance. He began folding the jeans quickly, obviously about to make a quick run for it.

  “Once you’ve been seen it’s easier to be caught in the act again?” I couldn’t help but chuckle as I went over to the bedside table to place my wallet and keys.

  Ernst was frantically finishing the folding of my pants.

  “I dunno know, sir.” He squeaked.

  I rolled my eyes at the title.

  “Don’t call me that,” I said evenly. “My name is Rob. Or even Robbie. Don’t call me ‘sir’, okay?”

  He didn’t respond verbally but he nodded frantically. I sat down gently on the bed beside him. He barely made a dent in the bed where he stood. I watched as Ernst folded pants, watching me out of the corner of his eye yet pretending that he didn’t know I was there. He was shaky and nervous, and I couldn’t blame him after what I had inadvertently done the previous night. The guilt was rising up as I watched him do his, chores, I supposed. I reached out to grab a piece of clothing to help and Ernst jumped. He topped over, falling to his ass on the bed in a tangle of gangly limbs as a t-shirt fluttered down to cover him as he lay there.

  Not that I wanted to, but I found myself laughing. It was quite a sight seeing something, er, someone like Ernst fall out in such a way. Ernst looked ridiculous and comical, flailing wildly under my t-shirt as though he expected something or, more specifically, someone (like me) to attack him at any moment. I felt guilty that he was obviously assuming I meant him harm, and for having harmed him the night before, but the whole thing was ridiculous. Reaching out, I gently pulled the t-shirt off of Ernst, disentangling him from the fabric. Ernst jumped to his feet and moved to the foot of the bed quickly, getting out of arm’s reach.

  “I wasn’t going to hurt you.” I held the t-shirt up. “I was just going to help you fold the laundry.”

  Ernst eyeballed me suspiciously. Instead of saying anything else, I began folding the shirt. Then I laid it down and grabbed another to fold. Ernst watched me for a moment, his body language indicating his desire to flee. After three more shirts, Ernst expression turned from fear to that of concern and annoyance. I continued folding laundry from the pile.

  “No, no, no.” He stomped over and swatted the shirt out of my hand. “You’re doin’ it all wrong, sir. ‘Tis a disgrace. Haven’t ya’ ever folded laundry for yourself before?”

  I smiled as he proceeded to show me the proper way to fold a shirt.

  “I usually hang my clothes up in the closet at home.” I laughed. “Except for my underwear and socks, that is.”

  “Well, I can tell.” He shook his head as he started in refolding the pile I had made. “These won’t do at all, sir. There are certain ways things should be done and this innit it.”

  “Please call me Rob or Robbie.”

  Ernst looked pensive as he folded a shirt.

  “That’s not the way things are done either.” He barked.

  “Well, then just don’t call me ‘sir’, please.”

  “You’re the master of the house are you not?” He scoffed. “It wouldn’t be prudent to call ya’ anything but ‘sir’ now would it, sir?”

  “This is my Oma’s house.” I frowned. “I’m just visiting. So, as a guest, you don’t have to call me ‘sir’, do you?”

  Ernst continued folding as his brow furrowed.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you last night, Ernst,” I said, wondering how I could be so comfortable sitting there next to a mythological creature and act so calm about it. “It was entirely unintentional. I swear.”

  “T’weren’t nothin’.” He sniffed haughtily.

  Obviously, this was a sore spot for his ego.

  “Well, I’m sorry.” I reiterated and moved on. “And thank you for doing my laundry while I’ve been here.”

  Ernst’s brow furrowed even more deeply as he folded the clothes. He looked troubled by our interaction. I stood, which made Ernst fold slowly at alert as he watched me out of the corner of his eye. I pulled my wallet out of my pocket, along with my cell phone and keys and put them on the bedside table. I kicked off my shoes and carried them over to the closet to stow them away in an orderly fashion. Then I took off my coat and hung it in the closet as well. Ernst quietly watched me the entire time.

  “Oma said there are some of your, um, friends, or family around here with you?” I asked. “She said there are other, uh, Kobolds, here?”

  Ernst averted his eyes and went back to his folding.

  “Yes…yes.”

  He didn’t call me by name, but he dropped the ‘sir’ shit. That was good enough for me. For now.

  “Who are the others, then?” I asked as I went into the bathroom and turned the tap on the sink faucet for warm water. “Are they your family, or…?”

  “No,” Ernst replied hesitantly. “They be my kinfolk, true. But we aren’t all exactly brothers and sisters if ya’ understand my meaning.”

  I made a noise that I understood as I ran a washcloth under the water and began to wash my face. Ernst was in my peripheral vision, standing on the bed, folding clothes, as I washed my face at the sink.

  “Well, there’s Hans.” Ernst began tentatively. “You’d mostly find him tinkering around’, fixin’ things that get broke. Lena likes to do the dishes and work in the garden. Then Felix mos’ly sticks to the attic and the walls, patchin’ up drafts and the like. Oskar likes to do sweepin’ and moppin’ and general scrubbin’. Hans, well, he mos’ly keeps to ‘imself and just does whatever he feels needs to be done. You won’ see him ‘bout much due to the fact that he’s a miserable piece o’ work.”

  “And you like doing laundry,” I added.

  “Well, it keeps me busy, I spose.” Ernst said noncommittally.

  “Out of trouble?” I teased, glancing over as I washed the day’s grime off of my mug.

  “There’s always time for that.” Ernst chuckled mischievously. “Though the chores tend to keep us busy.”

  “Why did…whomever…make me jump in the lake the other night?” I asked, frowning as I finished cleaning off my face. “That wasn’t exactly the nicest thing to do to someone who hadn’t done anything to any of you up until that point.”

  Of course, I had blasted Ernst ass into the Oma’s bathroom, but that was after I had jumped in the lake.

  “T’wasn’t us.” Ernst snapped. “None of us would do such a thing. We may get up to some’tings but we ain’t done that.”

  I hung the washcloth on the rack by the sink and turned off the water. Patting my face dry with the towel hung on the back of the door, then hanging it back up, I went and leaned against the doorjamb to look at Ernst. He ignored me as he finished folding up clothes.

  “Someone who looked like me jumped in the lake the other night,” I said. “If it wasn’t one of you, who was it?”

  “I wouldn’t be knowin’.” Ernst shrugged his tiny shoulders.

  I decided to let it go.

  “Been sleepin’ at your feet s
ince you was a wee’un, wouldn’ta done nothin’ to put you in much danger,” Ernst stated casually as he leaped down from the bed.

  He used his wee arms to reach up blindly and grab stacks of clothes, then went to the dresser and began stuffing them into drawers. Ernst looked like a mountain climber, stepping on knobs to get to higher drawers and struggling to open drawers to shove clothes into, working blindly but well. I walked over and helped open drawers and put away clothes. Ernst barely came up to mid-thigh on me when he was finally standing on the floor beside me.

  Kobolds were unique looking little people and absolutely precious in size. I wanted to snatch him up like a dog and snuggle him, but I figured that would garner more anger. Besides, that would be admitting that I was perfectly comfortable with these mythical creatures roaming about the house in the shadows, and I wasn’t certain I was there yet. It was still incredibly odd that all of these odd and magical things happened at Oma’s house daily—and in Point Worth in general—and I was just becoming aware of it. If I hadn’t gone on a date with Andrew, I probably would have never known.

  If you hadn’t come home to Point Worth to rest up, you’d never have known.

  “Sir?” Ernst looked up at me curiously, realized his mistake, and corrected himself. “Guest of the house?”

  “Rob, Ernst.” I smiled weakly. “Please.”

  “Won’t be doin’ no such thing.” He sniffed. “I’ll call you ‘master’ if that’s better, seein’s you are the madam’s grandson.”

  “Fine.” I cringed. “Call me ‘sir’ if you have to.”

  He smiled widely. “What’s troublin’ you, sir?”

  “I don’t know, Ernst,” I answered honestly. “I just don’t know why this place is so familiar and not familiar at all.”

  “This place?”

  “Oma’s house.” I shrugged. “Point Worth. It’s like I don’t know this place at all anymore. Not that I ever did, I guess.”

  “Awh, hogwash.” He slapped both hands in the air in my direction. “You just been gone a’bit s’all.”

  “I guess.”

  “Wouldja like a cuppa tea?” He suggested eagerly. “I’ll get Lena to make ya’ one ya’ like?”

  “I have coffee.” I shook my head. “But thank you. And I don’t need all of you doing things for me.”