A Letter to Delilah

by Jaxson Kidman

“You went to get a cat?” I asked, trying to sound sympathetic.

  “I finally did it, Amelia. Thinking about what we talked about. I figured why not. Get the cat and figure out the rest later.”

  I thought about what the apartment would have been like with a cat. And a litter box. The smells. Bad enough the apartment building itself had its own smell.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “I went there and saw her. She was perfect. Beautiful. I know, I sound crazy. I mean, look at me. I coach people in life. Through their worst times. Through their best times. And I’m basically a crazy cat person.”

  “Not at all,” I said.

  “I left,” she said. “I left to go for a walk and think about it. Then I got tied up on a phone call with a client. This woman who put herself through night school and has been fighting hard at her job to climb the corporate ladder. She was terrified of an interview. I talked her through it and got her ready. But when I went back to the shelter, Ginger was gone.”

  “Gone?”

  “Someone came and got her. She had already been promised to someone. I didn’t know that. There was no way I was getting her, even if I didn’t go for that walk.”

  “Oh, Grace,” I said. “I’m so sorry. That was such a big decision for you to make.”

  Grace nodded. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget her.”

  The cat?

  I forced a grin. I nodded some more.

  I felt my back pocket buzz.

  “I’m sorry to get like this,” Grace said.

  “No worries,” I said as I casually reached for my phone. “It’s not easy for you.”

  She laughed. “Look at you. Giving me advice. Saying all the right things.”

  “Yeah,” I said as I looked down at the screen.

  your roommate okay?

  The text from Josh made me shake my head.

  He could play the tough guy card all day long…

  “Sorry,” I said. “I have to answer this quick.”

  She’s fine. Cat thing. DO NOT ASK

  I sent the text and looked at Grace.

  She sipped her tea and inched her way up her bed and put the mug on the nightstand.

  “I think I’m going to do what I tell others,” she said. “Think it out. Write it out.”

  My phone buzzed with a reply from Josh.

  “Cry it out,” Grace continued.

  “Yeah,” I said, not paying attention to her.

  cat thing? i have to ask now. i saw all the pictures. that’s a lot of pussy…

  My cheeks burned a little.

  Of course, Josh would go there. Typical guy.

  “… then I’m going to use this, Amelia. For good. For myself. You know?”

  I looked at her. “Of course.”

  “You’re a really good person. A good friend even.”

  “Yeah,” I said as I wrote back to Josh.

  Gross. You would go there. Sorry about Grace though. Kind of embarrassing.

  “I think I’ll just hang here alone,” Grace said. “Do you mind?”

  “Of course not,” I blurted out way too quickly. “Take care of yourself, Grace. Please. Okay?”

  “Okay,” she said. “Thank you again.”

  I slipped out of Grace’s room as Josh texted me back.

  i read your story, love. now that’s embarrassing.

  I laughed.

  My fingers moved fast.

  Thanks for that. You read that stupid story by me and I got nothing out of you.

  I wandered down the hallway slowly, swaying as though I were drunk.

  Bumping off the walls, biting my lip, waiting for Josh to respond.

  oh, you got something out of me. you left me hanging

  He made me laugh to myself.

  Can we get together in a little bit? I still want that story…

  As I moved my finger to send it, Grace’s bedroom door opened.

  “Amelia. How do you feel about takeout and girl talk?”

  I looked over my shoulder and saw tears running down her cheek.

  I deleted my message to Josh.

  “Sure,” I said. “We can do that.”

  I’d rather have been with Josh.

  But he and I getting too close was too dangerous for both of us.

  Chapter 22

  The Spoon, the Ladle, the Address

  NOW

  (Josh)

  The words seemed to be stuck on my lips. I had everything ready for what I wanted to say, but it didn’t happen. Bringing those old memories to life again left me sitting on the floor in the living room with a notebook on my right side and a bottle of whiskey on my left. A single light burned behind me, my shadow cast across the floor and the wall. It was so quiet. So dark.

  I sipped the whiskey with my left hand, and I scribbled with my right. Half of it was actual words. The other half was drawings. A piece of a sentence and a drawing to go with it. As though I wanted to tell the story anyway, but without words.

  This was the kind of night where going out was preferred. Find a corner bar that was dimly lit with a small buzz and find temporary company. Someone who could spend the night, understood what that meant, and find their way back to reality before it was too late.

  Only now I barely had the urge to do that.

  I glanced at the texts with Amelia and shook my head. She had gently carved a fresh spot into my head and was threatening to go for my heart next. That wasn’t the worst thing in the world to have happen, but it still left me uneasy.

  I took another gulp of whiskey.

  Then I looked down at my writing and drawing.

  Wisps of hair from the left side of the page. The hair that was always blowing in the breeze. She could never keep her hair in place. Ever. She would either forget a hair tie or just refuse to wear it. I never understood why that bothered me so much. She loved it. She would laugh her head off as the wind played with her hair.

  My fingertips moved down the page of the notebook as I felt like my chest was going to collapse.

  If I wasn’t so drunk, I would have gone out.

  I needed someone.

  I knew exactly who I needed too.

  My eyes popped open and I was in the same position as the night before.

  I wasn’t going to lie to myself when I spotted the bottle of whiskey and thought about having a sip for breakfast. Wouldn’t have been the first time, but doing that would have put me on a slippery slope to revisit some past decisions that didn’t turn out so well.

  My right hand spread across the page in my notebook and I hurried to close it.

  Delilah.

  I hated that my mind was weak enough in the morning to let that slip across.

  Bad enough I had lost the letter to her, but now I was back to drawing pictures of her and thinking about her first thing in the morning.

  I should have never written the letter.

  I should have never carried it around with me either.

  If I was actually going to get rid of the letter, it should have been on my terms. My time. My way.

  Instead, it had somehow slipped out of my pocket somewhere and was gone forever.

  I couldn’t even think about someone else reading it.

  That would mean-

  My phone started to ring.

  I jumped for it, my mind now screaming Amelia! as though I had been expecting her call.

  It wasn’t Amelia.

  It was Aaron.

  “What do you want?” I asked.

  “Oh, shit, you sound like death,” he said. “That kind of night?”

  “Nope,” I said. “Just woke up.”

  “With a bottle next to you I assume.”

  I reached for the whiskey and put it on the table in front of me.

  “Nope,” I said. “No bottle next to me.”

  “Yeah, right. Hey. I’m outside Sasha’s gallery. You planning on meeting me here?”

  “That’s today?” I asked.

  “That’s today, Josh
. Actually, it’s right now.”

  “Fuck.”

  “Come on. Get up and get over here. If not, I’ll call Rae. She’ll come get your ass out of there.”

  “Yeah. Send your girlfriend over here, Aaron. That’s not a smart decision. Women who enter my apartment never leave the same.”

  “You’re an asshole, man. Get over here, now.”

  I laughed and pulled myself to my feet.

  I changed into a new shirt and drank a swig of mouthwash.

  That was as fresh as I was going to get for the day.

  I opened the front door to Sasha’s gallery and looked at the bare walls. There were some odd-looking sculptures in the middle of the floor. They didn’t make much sense to me, but that was how art seemed to be. One person sees a crooked mushroom shape thing and someone else sees an entire story.

  Maybe it was the sunglasses, that I was using to keep my eyes from aching in the back of my skull. That was the problem.

  Aaron had two coffees with him and rushed to hand me one.

  Sasha wore an elegant dress, like she always did. First time I met her I joked and asked her if she wore that kind of stuff to bed. She shot right back by offering me a chance to find out. That was the foundation of our relationship, which stayed just like that.

  “Long night of work?” Sasha asked me.

  “Of course,” I said as I took the coffee from Aaron. “Good thing my wife here takes care of me.”

  Sasha laughed.

  Aaron didn’t.

  “What are we doing here again?” I asked.

  “We need to book your next date,” Sasha said.

  “And talk about next door,” Aaron said.

  “Next door?” I asked.

  “It’s closing up,” Sasha said.

  “So?” I asked.

  “You should look into it, Josh,” Aaron said.

  “For what?”

  “Set up a studio. Lots of people would come to see you.”

  “What?” I asked. “That’s what this is? A real estate transaction?”

  “It’s not like that,” Sasha said. “Just a thought. We could be working side by side. You have your place. I have mine. We could help each other.”

  I rubbed my forehead. “I’m not talking about this right now.”

  “Figured that,” Aaron said. “Maybe at the very least, get an idea for your next show here?”

  “Sure,” I said. “Pick a date. I’ll be there.”

  “Do you have material?” Sasha asked.

  “Don’t fucking worry about me,” I said.

  “I love when you talk like that to me, Josh.”

  “I’m sure you do,” I said. “Looks empty in here when I’m not around.”

  “There’s work. I’d survive without you.”

  “Keep telling yourself that,” I said with a grin.

  “Let’s just all stay in touch then, “Aaron said. “See if we can make something work. It would be good for the building. This area. The town. Everything.”

  I reached and pulled my sunglasses down the bridge of my nose. “You done?”

  “I’m done,” he said.

  “If you two don’t mind,” Sasha said as she started to walk between us. “I have to get this set up.”

  Her dress was blood red and looked glittery.

  I pushed the sunglasses back up my face and nodded to Aaron.

  “It’s always a pleasure, Sasha,” he said. “Call me if you need anything else.”

  “You two stay out of trouble,” she said.

  “This guy doesn’t know trouble,” I said. “Except one time, he sent a letter without a return address on the envelope.”

  “Rebel,” Sasha said without any emotion.

  I laughed.

  Again, Aaron didn’t.

  I waited for the comments to start when we got outside.

  “You’re a dick, man,” Aaron said.

  I looked at my wrist as though I wore a watch. “That only took you three seconds.”

  “I’m important around here. And you talk like I’m some fool.”

  “You done yet?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I am,” he said.

  “That envelope thing was true.”

  “Shut up, Josh. I only panicked over that because it was tax stuff. If it got-”

  “Calm down, man,” I said as I laughed. “We all know you’re a bad ass. Hey. Anyone who would attempt to get Rae gets a star in my book. And the fact that she sleeps with you? I give you credit.”

  “Thanks,” Aaron said. “Speaking of that…”

  “You want me to sleep with her?” I asked.

  “What? No. Fuck you, man.”

  I snorted. “I’m messing with you. I’m not going near Rae. She’d cut my throat and laugh the entire time.”

  “Yeah, she would. But what I was going to say is you should come over to the house later.”

  “So Rae could kill me?”

  “We’ll see how the rest of the day goes.”

  “What do you want me over there for?”

  “I want to show you the plans for next door.”

  “Plans?”

  “Just hear it out, Josh,” Aaron said.

  “Why don’t you have the stuff with you right now?” I asked.

  “Because I know better. If I get you to the house with a beer and have Toby hand you the papers, it’ll be harder to get mad at me.”

  I gently slapped Aaron’s face. “I hate you.”

  “I know.”

  “I’ll be over later.”

  I walked away and had nothing but time to kill.

  I ditched the crappy coffee and traded it for my phone.

  morning love. how’s the pussy situation?

  I smirked as I sent the text.

  It took Amelia an hour to text back.

  I hate you.

  That was all I needed from her.

  Which was a lie.

  I needed more.

  Maybe more than she could possibly give me.

  Aaron whispered into Toby’s ear.

  Toby sat in his booster seat at the table with a bowl of animal shaped crackers and a cup of apple juice.

  It was a hard-fought negotiation as he giggled because Aaron’s breath tickled his ear and neck.

  “Go ahead,” Aaron said. “Say it to Uncle Josh.”

  “Great opprutunty.”

  I started to laugh.

  “You heard the kid,” Aaron said.

  “You’re using your son to get to your best friend,” I said. “That’s cold. Even for a guy like me, that’s cold.”

  “Business,” he said. “I play hard.”

  I stared at Toby. “Tell you what, kid. Give me one of those crackers and let me think about it.”

  “Half a cracker,” Aaron said.

  “You’re going to break a cracker in half?” I asked.

  “No,” Aaron said. “Toby, take a bite of a cracker and give Uncle Josh the rest.”

  I slapped the table and rubbed my jaw. “Toby, who’s your favorite uncle?”

  “You,” he said with a smile.

  “I should get the entire cracker then, right?”

  “Yes,” Toby said.

  “No,” Aaron said. “We can’t let him win, Toby.”

  “Are you using my son in a business deal?” Rae asked as she crashed our little business meeting.

  “Oh, did it get cold in here,” I said.

  Rae’s head snapped and she looked at me. She touched the side of her face and threw me the middle finger.

  “Can you believe this guy?” I asked her. “Using his son this way.”

  “You’re no help either,” Rae said. “Come here, Toby.”

  She picked Toby up.

  I stood up and put my arms out. “Want to come hang with Uncle Josh?”

  “Yeah!” Toby yelled.

  “Hey, I have an idea,” I said. “Why don’t you two go grab dinner?”

  “What?” Rae asked.

  “I’m serious. You
two. Go out on a date. Grab a bite. I’ll hang here with Toby.”

  Rae looked at Aaron with worried eyes.

  I’d be a liar if I didn’t confess that it broke my heart that Rae wasn’t sure about me. Not that I gave her a reason not to be like that.

  I reached for my glass on the table. “It’s soda. With nothing but melted ice in it. I’m not a fool.”

  “I beg to differ,” Rae said.

  “Not with Toby,” I said. “You know that. You have to know that.”

  “Right down the street,” Aaron said. “Cassidy’s place.”

  “Pizza?” Rae asked.

  “Come on,” I said. I reached into my back pocket and threw some cash on the table. “My treat. Get out of here. For an hour.”

  “I hate that you do this to me, Josh,” Rae said.

  “You’re not the first woman to say that to me,” I said. “Maybe the first time I’ve heard it from a woman who is fully clothed though…”

  “I hate him,” Rae said to Aaron.

  She put Toby down to the floor and she walked out of the room.

  “You really don’t have a filter, do you?” Aaron asked.

  “Hey, think of it this way,” I said. “I get her mad enough that she takes that out on you later. Maybe she’ll break you and the bed.”

  “That’s enough,” Aaron said, and he looked at Toby.

  Oh yeah.

  I crouched and opened my arms. “Hear that, little buddy? It’s just you and me for a little bit. You okay with that?”

  “Yay!” Toby yelled.

  He ran to me and I scooped him up.

  “Thank you, Josh,” Aaron said. “Please don’t…”

  “Go,” I said. Aaron walked out of the dining room. I looked at Toby. “Let’s mess with your old man quick.”

  “Okay,” Toby whispered.

  The kid made me laugh.

  I hurried into the kitchen as Aaron was at the door to the garage.

  “Hey, man,” I said.

  Aaron turned. “Yeah?”

  “How much can he have to drink?”

  “What?”

  “I don’t want him getting sick. Is he a lightweight like you?”

  Aaron curled his lip. “That’s not even close to being funny, Josh.”

  “Come on, man. Smile for a second. I’m good here. Tell me you at least trust me.”

  “Not for a second,” he said. “I trust Toby to watch you.”