In the Shape of a Man

by Paul Clayton

  The dancers shifted, opening up, and she saw them. The alcohol in her brain could not insulate her from the icy shock she got; the two of them were freak dancing! Freakin’ for God’s sake, the chick looking back over her shoulder as she rubbed her little ass in Rad’s crotch. Rad saw Tawny and his face turned guilty, then slowly morphed into a stupid, ‘I’m not doing nothin’ smile.

  “Thanks, Rad,” Tawny shouted, her voice swallowed by the raging music. He and that little bitch must have been doing more than just stapling posters to telephone poles. There was obviously more. She turned and started away, pushing through the bodies.

  Tawny left through the front door, the chill night air hitting her like a bucket of water. She pushed her way through the crowd of people hoping to get in the club as she headed for the street.

  “That damn bitch!” she cursed under her breath, “…and Rad!” When the two girls had dropped him off, her suspicion had been a tiny itch in the back of her brain. Then there had been his off-putting manner whenever she’d bring up her wants and dreams for the two of them. And the calls too. Three times she had picked up the receiver and said hello and there had been no one on the other end, at least no one that wanted to talk to her. Obviously Rad and this chick had something going on. But for how long? And how deep? And all this time she had thought she’d known him. What the hell did she know? Really?

  Tawny reached Mission Street and looked at the traffic streaming by. A yellow cab turned onto the street two blocks down, heading in her direction. She stepped out in the street and flagged him. He saw her and put his signal on, moving into the right lane. She crossed when the traffic opened and the cab stopped. Just then someone ran up behind her. It was Rad. She ignored him.

  “Where to?” the cab driver asked Tawny.

  “South City. Take 101.”

  “Tawny,” said Rad, “what are you doing? We were just dancing? What’s with you?”

  Tawny ignored him, looking out the opposite window. Rad opened the door and got in the back. The cab driver looked back at them, raised his eyebrows, then moved out into the traffic. Neither Rad nor Tawny said anything as the driver picked up his microphone and told the dispatcher he had a fare to South City.

  “Give us a call when you get there,” the voice rasped over the speaker.

  Rad’s stomach slowly turned to ice as the traffic rushed by. The big leather rear bench seat seemed like a mile-wide river, with Tawny on the other side. Outside, the night looked darker than it had in a long time, autumn dark. Rad felt rain in the air. Soon a few drops splashed across the windshield. Then gust-driven splatterings smeared the night lights crazily. The driver turned on the windshield wipers and the rain became a steady downpour. The air chilled as they rode through the gentle rain in silence. When the cab finally pulled up in front of the house, Tawny got out. Rad followed her.

  Tawny ignored him as she said to the driver, “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.”

  “Tawny,” Rad said, “listen, I was just talking…”

  Tawny ignored him as she walked up the steps.

  Rad started pacing in the rain. “Shit!” he said.

  “Don’t worry about it, pal,” said the driver. “She’ll get over it.”

  The rain soaked into Rad’s hair and ran down his face and neck, chilling him. Tawny exited the house with a suitcase and a plastic-covered dress on a hanger. She looked right through him as she got into the cab. He went over to the driver’s window and handed him a twenty. The driver spoke into his handset as he drove off. The rain picked up and Rad watched the cab make a U-turn at the bottom of the street. It headed back up the hill and turned onto Hillside.

  Rad went into the house and sat on the couch. His head had cleared somewhat, but he still felt in shock. He tried to put the evening’s events in their proper sequence and figure out how to explain things to Tawny. The house was quiet enough to hear the wind-driven rain lashing the windows. Why the hell did she get so angry? All he’d done was talk to Jenny. And then she’d wanted to dance, and so he had taken her out onto the dance floor. Fuck! What was the big deal? It wasn’t like he was hooking up with her or anything.

  Oh! He remembered the freak dance thing that Jen had done. Shit, that was just for a minute or so. And they had just been fooling around, making fun of the whole freak dance thing. But that must have been the very moment that Tawny had spotted them. Shit! It was all just a lousy coincidence.

  Rad got up and went to the window. In the glow of the street light overhead, the rain came down like a veil, occasionally ruffled by gusts of wind. It was the season’s first Pacific storm. The sight soothed him a little and he went into the bedroom. The top drawer in Tawny’s dresser was still pulled out. Rad sat down on the bed. The thought of sleeping alone depressed him and he went back out into the living room. The digital clock read 12:18. The Dawg would still be full of thumping electronic music and gyrating people. The image enticed him. He could sit around here alone and feel sorry for himself or he could go back to the crazy, noisy humanity of The Dawg. But how could he get there?

  He picked up the phone and dialed his old friend, Buddy Romero. Buddy’s mother’s voice came on. The Romeros lived two blocks away.

  “Hello, Mrs. Romero. This is Rad. Is Buddy home?”

  “Hello, Rad. Yes, I’ll get him. Hold on.”

  Rad knew he didn’t really have to ask. Buddy was always home at his mom’s by bedtime. Rad had gone to the same grade school as Buddy, the same middle school, and the same high school. They should have been real good friends. But Buddy had turned out to be a real loser, a big fat momma’s boy masquerading as a bad ass. He was way too into grunge and looked it, with his black T-shirts and black jeans. And with his weight problem, he had a hard time getting a girl. But he was also into motorcycles and had a Harley hog and four or five Japanese bikes, some of which he sometimes rode on the trails of San Bruno Mountain. Rad had an open invitation to ride with him any time he wanted.

  “Dude!” said Buddy, coming on the line, “what the fuck’s up?”

  “I need to borrow one of your bikes.”

  “Not my hog, man.”

  “No, one of the other ones.”

  “Okay, dude. The Yamaha’s runnin’ smooth as shit. I just changed the plugs and tuned it up.”

  “Good. I’ll be there in five minutes.”

  “Okay. What the fuck are you goin’ out in this shit for, man?”

  “I don’t know. Bored, I guess. I’ll be right over.”

  Rad hung up and went into the basement. He spied Ketsel on the other side of the chicken wire enclosure, snuggled up next to the water heater on the mound of dirty laundry. He felt guilty about neglecting him. Screw it. He’d check on him later. He grabbed his slicker off of its nail in the wall and went out the back door, locking it behind him.

  The rain came down steady and thick as Rad leaned into the turns of 101, the car lights smearing the oily asphalt with red and white glare. He exited on Geoff and was soon pulling into the alley behind The Dawg. The bouncer remembered him and let him pass. It was just past one and the place was packed, stifling with body heat and throbbing with music. Rad immediately went into the men’s room and dried his face and hair with paper towels. He combed his hair and went out to the bar and ordered a vodka. Chaz showed up a few minutes later and sat beside him, asking him where Tawny was. Rad shook his head, yelling into Chaz’s ear, “She went home.”

  “What happened?” said Chaz.

  Rad shrugged, not caring to elaborate. Chaz nodded slowly and knowingly and moved on. After a while Rad saw Jenny’s friend Cait separate from the wall of bodies on the dance floor. Another young woman dressed in studded leather followed her to the bar. Rad looked at Cait but she gave no indication of knowing who he was. Perhaps she was too high, Rad reasoned. The movement of the bodies to the music, the mix of expressions on the dancers’ faces—all of it took the edge off Rad’s anxiety. What the hell had he done? he asked himself. He’d only been dancing with Jen
, for crissakes! Maybe it was Tawny’s time of the month. He tried to remember when she’d had her period last. She usually got a little sad, but not crazy angry like this. As he watched the dancers he hoped she would come to her senses in a day or so. After all, he’d only been being friendly to somebody. What was the big deal?

  Somebody grabbed Rad’s knee. It was Jenny.

  Rad smiled.

  “What happened?” she shouted to him over the noise. “Your pants are wet?”

  “It’s raining outside,” he shouted over the music.

  She looked at him in confusion, not having heard, then asked, “Where did you go?”

  He shrugged. “Tawny wanted to go home.”

  Jenny nodded and looked over at the dancers. She leaned close. “You want to dance?”

  Rad slid off the barstool and led her to the dance floor. After a few minutes of dancing the DJ suddenly shifted to a sultry slow number. Most of the other dancers drew their partners closer and it was obvious that they had chosen someone for the night. Jenny moved against Rad and he pulled her closer. They moved slowly, exploring each other’s bodies. After a few seconds or a few minutes something deep and animal took over them and they began deep kissing. Suddenly the music stopped. Rad and Jen parted but continued to hold hands as they pushed through the crowd.

  “You want to go to my place?” Jenny said.

  Rad nodded. “What about your roommate?”

  “She won’t be there.”

  Rad nodded again, a lump forming in his throat. “Cool.”

  “Do you have a car?” Jenny asked. “Cait drove us here.”

  Rad smiled. “A motorcycle.”

  Jenny’s eyes widened. “Oh… that’s why you’re so wet. Is it safe to ride when it’s like that?”

  Rad nodded, not saying anything.

  “I’ll be right back.” Jenny went and found Cait. They talked for a moment and Jenny came back and took Rad’s hand.

  The vibration of the motorcycle’s engine seemed to weld them together on the bike. Rain fell steadily, soaking into Rad’s clothing, but he felt warm. Jenny pressed up tightly against him, her hands locked around his abdomen. He felt as if they were flying as he guided the bike along the blackened freeway. Soon they were on 19th Avenue, and rolling smoothly down dark, quiet streets past apartment-style dormitories.

  Rad held their helmets as she opened the door. As soon as it closed he dropped them and she came into his arms. They kissed as they quickly pulled off their wet clothing. Rad carried Jenny over to the couch and she laughed as he lay her down in the dark, kneeling beside her. “We better go in my room just in case Cait changes her mind and comes back,” she said.

  “Why? You and her aren’t, you know…”

  Jenny laughed. “She is. But we’re just roommates. She doesn’t hit on me or anything. Come on.”

  Rad followed her. She quickly lit an aromatic candle and turned the lights off, climbing into the little twin bed. Rad lay beside her. As they made love, he marveled at her slender beauty, her strength and her passion.

  After she’d fallen asleep, Rad quietly got out of bed and went into the bathroom. Finishing, he went into the front room to the kitchenette and ran a glass of water. Before he’d finished drinking it she had come out.

  “Oh, here you are.”

  He smiled as he put down the glass. She took his erection in her hand. “Come on back to bed,” she said with a smile as she slowly pulled him back toward the bedroom.

  Chapter 22

  1015 Skyview Drive. On Saturday morning they drove into the city as a family. Allen was amazed at the turn things had taken. Earlier it had seemed as if he and Tina were at an impasse that would cost them their marriage. But something had changed. He suspected that Tina’s sister-in-law had called her. Tina had come to her senses. And last night after watching a movie together, they had made love lustily like two strangers in a hotel room.

  Allen listened to the radio. He was determined that they would all have a good day. Especially the kids. He wanted them to enjoy the park. The sun was shining. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. On such a beautiful day he wanted to enjoy his wife again too, just like in the old days.

  Allen pulled into the green shade of Golden Gate Park. The cool pine and eucalyptus-scented air seemed to promise a new beginning. He drove toward Stowe Lake, picturing the paddle boats and canoes slowly cruising the green, algae-filled water, the ducks that would rush to the shore whenever someone threw down crusts of bread, and the seagulls that would swoop in at steep angles, making bold, splashing landings as they aggressively stole what had been intended for the ducks. Elderly retired Russian immigrants crowded the benches that circled the lake, chatting animatedly in their native language. Allen and Tina and the kids usually walked the circumference of the lake on the paved footpath and then got back in the car for the short ride to Clement Street where they would go shopping and have dinner at one of the many Chinese restaurants.

  “Park there.” Tina pointed to a space under the shade of some pines. Allen parked and helped the kids out of the back. Tina fussed over Christine as Allen took Reynaldo by the hand and walked ahead in the direction of the boathouse. They used the restroom in the back and by the time they finished, Tina and Christine were approaching. Allen moved close to take Tina’s hand but she took Christine’s instead.

  They started off at their usual leisurely pace. The fresh air made Allen frisky and he wanted to walk faster so as to get more exercise out of it, but Tina did not like the children getting sweaty. She thought it would cause them to catch a cold. Allen forgot about Reynaldo for a few moments and he ran ahead like a puppy let off its leash. Allen called after him to slow him down and ensure he did not get into trouble with Tina, but Reynaldo ran on.

  Allen caught up with Reynaldo where the path passed through some tall flowering bushes, obscuring the view of the lake. When Reynaldo saw Allen, he laughed and darted away. Allen quickened his pace. When he came out of the bushes he could see across the lake clear to the other shore. He spotted two men in a rowboat headed for the promontory where Reynaldo was headed and he had one of those, ‘what’s wrong with this picture?’ moments. The men were seated in the boat like lovers, one rowing, and the other facing the rower, chatting pleasantly. Allen felt awkward about that, remembering the time on the train when the two men across from him and Reynaldo had started deep French kissing. Reynaldo had asked him about that, but before he could say anything a train had passed in the opposite direction with a thunderous rattle and Reynaldo’s attention was once again out the window. The men got off at the next stop.

  Allen caught up with Reynaldo on the shore of the little promontory. There were rocks there that the turtles liked to sun themselves on. Sure enough, three turtles had crawled up onto a rock and they too seemed to be watching the approach of the rowboat as the sun warmed their shells.

  “Daddy,” said Reynaldo, “can I catch a turtle?”

  The sun glinted brightly off the water. A mass of water lilies extended out about ten feet from the bank. It was a beautiful day. The rowboat drew closer. Allen could hear the slap of the oars. They were not men but, rather, two mannish-looking women, lesbians.

  “Daddy? Said Reynaldo.

  “No. They have to go home.”

  The boaters were within earshot. The woman who was rowing smiled at Reynaldo’s question. Allen smiled in her direction.

  “Why, Daddy?”

  “Their mommy and daddy would be sad if they didn’t come home.”

  “Really?”

  “Sure,” said Allen. He turned to see where Tina and Christine were. They were still about twenty five yards away. A man with a black lab on a leash jogged by. Allen saw movement near his feet. A groundhog stuck its head out of its hole. Allen turned back around and saw that Reynaldo had climbed out onto the first of the three rocks leading out to the turtles. He hurried towards him but he was too late. As Reynaldo stepped onto the second rock, it turned beneath his feet, throwing him off balanc
e. Allen grabbed Reynaldo by the shirt as he foundered around in the shallow water. Fortunately he didn’t fall down and get completely wet, but his shoes and socks were soaked. Allen helped Reynaldo up onto the bank as Tina came up. Christine held back, worry darkening her features.

  Tina grabbed Reynaldo by his shirt and spun him around. “Look at you! I told you not to go on the rocks, didn’t I?”

  Allen realized with some discomfort that the women in the rowboat were listening to Tina and watching them.

  “Didn’t I?” demanded Tina.

  “Yes, Mommy. I’m sorry.”

  “Take off your shoes.”

  “Okay, Mommy.” Reynaldo started to sit down. Allen grabbed him and steadied him as he took his shoes off.”

  “And the socks too” said Tina.

  Reynaldo peeled off the wet white socks. Tina took the shoes and socks over to the trashcan and shoved them inside. She walked back. Allen was in a sort-of shock. He hadn’t expected that. The women in the boat were still watching and seemed to be quietly discussing what had just happened.

  “You’re not getting any new shoes and socks,” Tina said to Reynaldo. “You’ll just have to go barefoot for the rest of the summer.”

  “Sorry, Mommy,” said Reynaldo, “I didn’t mean it.”

  Allen’s face reddened. “Tina, c’mon. It was an accident.”

  Tina’s face flushed red as she grabbed Christine’s hand. She walked off.

  Allen watched her go as Reynaldo held his hand. The women in the rowboat talked softly as the rower put the oars back in the water and moved their boat back out into the lake. Allen went over to the trash can and retrieved the shoes, wringing them and the socks out as best he could and shoving them into his back pockets. He picked up Reynaldo, carrying him piggyback style and started slowly back along the path, following Tina and Christine at a good distance. Allen looked at his watch. It was only two. The day was ruined, the weekend ruined. Tina would be on a tear for the next three or four days. From behind him, Reynaldo said, “I’m sorry, Daddy. The rock moved. It wasn’t my fault.” Allen tried to sound as upbeat as he could. “Ah, don’t worry about it. It’ll be all right in a day or so.” He shook his head in disgust.