Dan the Barbarian

by Hondo Jinx

  She didn't have quite as much in the chest as Holly, but then again, who did? Besides, what the mysterious girl’s breasts lacked in size, they made up for with sheer perfection.

  Packed into the booth around her were what looked like a bunch of gnomes, mostly in black hoodies.

  No, Dan realized, drawing closer. Not gnomes. Children.

  The mysterious girl gestured to the kids and said, “Scatter.”

  The kids, a mix of boys and girls in their teens and tweens, hopped up without a word and slipped away past Dan and Holly.

  “Holly,” the girl said warmly from within the shadowy confines of her hood. “The sexiest elf on the planet.”

  They embraced.

  The mysterious girl sat back down with her back against the rear wall, facing the front of the Diner.

  Holly slid in across her. Dan slid in beside Holly.

  “Who's this?” the girl asked.

  “This is Dan,” Holly said with a grin, “my new sex slave.”

  Dan snorted. “Your new master, you mean.”

  “We're still working out the details,” Holly said. “One way or the other, Nadia, meet Dan. Dan, Nadia.”

  Nadia slid her hand across the table into Dan’s. Her grip was surprisingly firm.

  “Nice to meet you, handsome,” Nadia said, and he saw a bright smile flash within the hood.

  “Nice to meet you, too, um… mysterious hooded girl who might be pretty.”

  Nadia laughed. “You'll have to forgive me. Occupational hazard. I try to keep a low profile.”

  “Nadia is a thief,” Holly said.

  “Wow,” Nadia said, sounding sarcastic. “You really don't do subtle, do you?”

  Then the waitress was standing beside them, offering menus.

  “I'm full,” Holly said, waving her off.

  That makes one of us, Dan thought.

  He popped open a menu, hoping he could afford something. He could. Barely. A sticky and a cup of coffee would wipe him out. He ordered, and the waitress left.

  “So, Dan,” Nadia said, “are you the one that helped Holly kill those guys outside her apartment?”

  Dan leaned back in his seat. “How did you know about that?”

  Holly rolled her eyes. “Nadia is more than a thief. She's also a show-off.”

  Nadia spread her hands. “I make it my business to know everything that happens in this town. So what happened, anyway?”

  “It was crazy,” Holly said. “These four guys tried to kidnap me. They came out from behind trees when I went outside. I had just met with that guy Randy. He said that he and his brother would join the team.”

  “Good,” Nadia said. “That's taken care of then.”

  Holly shook her head. “As soon as those guys stepped out from behind the trees and drew steel, Randy let out a shriek and ran away like a terrified little kid.”

  “Are you serious?” Nadia said. “What a jackass.”

  Holly nodded toward Dan. “Well, we have a new fighter, anyway.”

  “Excellent,” Nadia said. “But I don't want anything to do with Randy's brother now. Which means…”

  “We need a new spellcaster.”

  At the mention of magic, Dan's hands tightened into fists.

  “I'll ask around,” Nadia said, “see what I can find out. In the meantime, Holly darling, I'm worried about you. Your attackers were waiting for you, and from what I hear, one of them got away.”

  Holly fumbled inside her cloak. “I wanted to ask you about this,” she said, and placed a black dagger atop the table.

  “Oh, shit,” Nadia said, and pulled the weapon off the table just as the waitress returned. Then, to the waitress, she said, “That was fast.”

  “One sticky and a cup of coffee,” the waitress said, setting down Dan’s order.

  “Thanks,” Dan said.

  The waitress asked, “You ladies sure you don't need anything? No? Well, if you change your minds, just let me know.”

  Once the waitress had left, Nadia examined the black dagger, keeping it hidden under the table. “Don't let anybody see you carrying this thing,” she said.

  “Carrying it?” Holly said, and made a face. “I don't ever want to touch that dagger again. Toss it, sell it, I don't care. But I don't want the thing. What is it, anyway?”

  “This dagger is called a Sliver of Darkness,” Nadia said.

  “Darkness, huh?” Dan said, chewing a bite of delicious sticky bun. “That one guy kept talking about darkness. The Mother of Darkness and all that.”

  Holly nodded, sipping Dan’s coffee.

  “Not good,” Nadia said. “You’re dealing with an apocalyptic death cult. The Acolytes of Eternal Darkness.”

  Dan snorted. “They’re not even trying to hide the fact that they’re total assholes, huh?”

  “I know they sound ridiculous,” Nadia said, “but be careful. They’re serious as an aneurysm. They're dedicated to oblivion, committed to putting out the lights forever.”

  Holly's purple eyes flashed with sudden anger. “How can people be so stupid? Light and darkness are balanced, just like good and evil, order and chaos. People go trying to mess up the nature of things.” She cut herself off, shaking her head and grumbling with frustration.

  “Spoken like a druid,” Nadia said, and Dan could hear the laughter in her voice. But then Nadia got serious again. “Just don't take these guys lightly. I’m afraid that you haven’t seen the last of them. You need a place to stay?”

  “No,” Holly said, and gave Dan's arm a squeeze. “He isn't just my sex toy. He's also my bodyguard.”

  Dan grinned. “A body that perfect deserves protection.”

  Holly squeezed his arm again. “Oh yeah?” she asked, a mischievous smile coming onto her face. “And what about Nadia? What do you think of her body?”

  The question would have shocked old-world Dan. He probably would've spit out his food in surprise.

  But he was done with all that nervous half-stepping. If Holly wanted to ask, he would tell her the truth. He stared across the table at the thief’s fit, leather-clad physique and perfect bosom. “She has a gorgeous body.”

  The bright smile appeared again in the darkness of the hood. “Well, then,” Nadia said, her voice going sultry, “maybe you'll have to guard it sometime, if Holly will let me borrow you for a few hours.”

  The thief stood, looking very gorgeous indeed.

  “Unfortunately,” Nadia said, “I have to leave now. Places to go, people to rob, you know the deal. And I have to see about finding us a wizard in what, two days?”

  Holly and Dan stood.

  The girls hugged goodbye.

  Nadia touched Dan’s shoulder. “Nice meeting you–oh!” She slipped and fell forward into him.

  Dan caught her before she could fall to the floor. Her body felt firm and fit. An alluring, somehow familiar floral aroma filled Dan’s nostrils.

  “Thanks,” Nadia said. “I am so clumsy.”

  She gave his arms a squeeze. “Hmm, I could definitely use a bodyguard with muscles like these.”

  Dan chuckled.

  Nadia’s hands slipped around behind him and squeezed his ass. “Oh,” she said, “nice butt, too.”

  Old-world Dan would've been shocked.

  Had been, in fact.

  But new Dan, Dan the Barbarian, grabbed Nadia's wrist and pulled her hand–and his wallet–into view.

  Nadia dropped the wallet and laughed. “How did that get there?”

  “Wait a second,” Dan said, and pulled back her hood, revealing a beautiful face with a slightly crooked nose and bright emerald-green eyes. “You!”

  Nadia put her hood up again, ducked under his arm, and slipped away.

  “See you, Holly,” Nadia called, then pointed to the floor at Dan’s feet. “Keep an eye on that wallet of yours. This place is full of thieves.”

  Then she stuck out her tongue and left, trailing laughter.

  16

  Campus Life

  The n
ext morning came early. But that was the only bad thing Dan could say about it.

  He woke in Holly's bed. She was between his legs, naked and lovely as a dryad, her head bobbing up and down on his morning erection.

  Later, after they had finished, she kicked him out of her apartment. “If you're hanging around here, I'll never make it to class,” she said.

  She gave him a long, sweet kiss and then shoved him into the hallway with a laugh. “Meet me for lunch at Pollock Dining Hall.”

  Dan smiled at the door for a moment after Holly closed it. She was really something.

  Stepping into his own apartment, things felt strange, simply because his life had changed so much in the last twenty-four hours.

  It was crazy. Not just the T&T transformation. Holly, too.

  She was more than sex to him. A lot more. After not even twenty-four hours, he knew that as fact. And he was one hundred percent confident that she felt the same way.

  Maybe the ease with which they had slid into an actual relationship was another function of the T&T world. Maybe in this world it was possible to skip the bullshit and get straight down to liking each other.

  Ultimately, he didn't care why things were the way they were, so long as they stayed this way. He was just happy and couldn’t wait to see her again.

  Willis appeared in the kitchen doorway, mouth hanging open in exaggerated shock. “Dude,” he said.

  Dan smiled at him. “Dude,” he responded.

  “Duuude,” Willis said, his high-pitched voice drawing out the word. “Did you just come from across the hall? It sounded like you just came from across the hall.”

  “I did,” Dan said.

  “Duuuuude,” Willis said, this time drawing it out with obvious glee. “From Holly's place?”

  “Yup,” Dan said matter-of-factly.

  “Duuuuuuuude!” Willis all but shrieked. His skinny arm flew up. “High five!”

  Dan reached down and slapped palms with his tiny friend.

  Grinning like a madman, Willis scrunched his nose rapidly several times, his habitual way of working his spectacles higher up the bridge. “Did you just bang the hottest girl in the galaxy?”

  Dan frowned at him. “That's between me and her,” he said. “Besides, I gotta go to class.”

  At least he thought he had to go to class. With everything else changing so much, he realized that he needed to check his schedule.

  “You dog!” Willis said. “You dirty, magnificent dog!”

  Dan went into his room and closed the door. He unzipped his backpack and found his schedule. It took him a second to remember which class he was supposed to have this morning… Intro to Shakespeare.

  Why had it taken him a while to remember? Was it because he’d just had the most amazing night ever and had slept only a few hours? Or were his intelligence and wisdom dwindling away, just as his strength and dexterity were swelling?

  He checked his schedule and smiled.

  No Shakespeare, no sociology, and best of all, no GeoSci with Dr. Lynch!

  Instead, his schedule showed Swordplay 303, Wilderness Survival, Intro to Dungeoneering, Unarmed Combat, Battlefield Tactics and Strategy, and Treasure Identification.

  “Yes!” he shouted, pumping a fist in the air.

  His first class started in an hour, giving him just enough time to grab a quick shower, heat up a pack of ramen noodles, and head out the door.

  He kicked off his boots, unbuckled his belt, and dropped his pants. The scabbard thumped off the floor, and Wulfgar slid out a few inches.

  “What the fuck?” the sword roared. “Gotta be honest, dude. I’m not digging the whole leave-your-mentor-in-his-sheath-all-the-time thing.”

  “Sorry about that,” Dan said, peeling off his shirt and grabbing the towel from the bedpost. “I've been kind of busy.”

  “You and every other buddy fucker in the universe,” Wulfgar said. “We were thick as thieves until you got laid. Then it's Wulfgar who?”

  Dan laughed. “Are you really whining like a little bitch right now? I never would've expected this from you, man.”

  Wulfgar laughed. “Well, I’ll give you one thing. You're funnier after you get laid. But don’t let me damn you with faint praise. Go hit the showers, you filthy ape!”

  The morning kicked ass.

  Back in the real world, Dan had always felt like he was a step or two behind the other college students. It was like the disadvantage he’d felt in comparison to the town kids in middle school, only worse.

  The kids in his college classes weren’t necessarily smarter than Dan, but he was from a little hick town in the middle of nowhere, and most of them were from fancy suburban schools.

  There was a difference.

  That difference showed in the way they carried themselves, the things they talked about, and the way they answered so confidently in class. Old-world Dan had felt self-conscious and shy.

  But those days were apparently over. In sword fighting class, he dominated. The instructor was cool, a grizzled veteran named Harper.

  “Given the choice,” Harper told them, “don't slash… stab!”

  He demonstrated, plunging the point of his sword into a practice dummy, then explained that puncture wounds made people retract into themselves, made them feel like quitting. Slashing attacks, on the other hand, made people crazy with desperation, made them go wild and fight back.

  “Besides,” Harper said with a grin, “when you stab instead of slash, you increase your chances of poking holes in those nice, juicy organs.”

  Dan had been all right with Macbeth and Hamlet back in the real world, but this was way, way more interesting.

  And in this world, he didn't just hide in the back. Harper called on him frequently. More than any other student, in fact.

  Dan answered questions, helped with demonstrations, and always earned Harper's praise during drills. Harper also took the time to correct Dan's technique, which was great.

  Strangest of all, Dan's classmates looked up to him now. Quite a change from the past.

  Wilderness Survival was even easier. When they started working with camouflage techniques, the instructor stopped several times and asked Dan for his input.

  Dan was happily surprised to realize that he actually knew this stuff. All of it. For the first time in his life, having grown up in the sticks was a good thing.

  If his new-world classes were all like this, he’d be set!

  Of course, he had no way of knowing then what lay in store for him.

  17

  An Unwelcome Visitor

  Dan got to the dining hall a few minutes early and waited outside. He saw Holly coming down the path toward him. She hadn’t seen him yet.

  Holly looked absolutely stunning, dressed in work boots, faded jeans, and a long-sleeved white top, her golden hair shimmering in the sunlight and her purple cloak billowing out around her as she strode along.

  Then she looked up, saw him standing there, and lit up with a beaming smile that made her even more beautiful.

  Holly gave a little wave, and he walked down to meet her, and just as he would have expected, there was zero bullshit. She jumped up, wrapping her arms and legs around him in an acrobatic hug, and gave him a long, passionate kiss for all the world to see.

  Hand in hand, they entered the cafeteria. They grabbed trays and got into line together and talked about their mornings.

  Holly was studying veterinary science. She already knew a lot from growing up in the wilderness, where she protected the animals and did her best to help any of them if they were injured or sick, but the classes were interesting, and she was excited to take new knowledge back to her grove.

  “Whatcha want?” a deep voice asked.

  Dan looked up. He’d been so focused on Holly that he hadn't noticed the servers until he was face-to-face with them.

  The lunch ladies were hulking hobgoblins in blood-red smocks and black leather aprons splattered with slop. Grayish fur covered their arms and the backs of thei
r hands, as well as their necks and the tops of their heads, which he could see through their flimsy little hairnets.

  The lunch lady who had spoken to him had a bright red face and yellow eyes. Her heavy jaw jutted forth, the pronounced underbite studded with dirty yellow teeth.

  “Come on, come on, lover boy,” the hobgoblin said, her voice gruff. “What do you want?”

  Surprisingly, the food looked pretty much the same as it had back in the old world: boiled vegetables, mashed potatoes, and a choice between dried-up chicken and a dubious, brown stew.

  Dan took his chances with the stew.

  At the beverage center, he was in for another surprise. Alongside the soda and juice, students lined up at a row of self-serve beer taps. Dan snagged a pair of large plastic tumblers and filled them both to the brim with dark beer, then joined Holly at a table.

  They talked about everything and nothing, their conversation lighthearted and effortless. Then they took care of their trays and trash and went outside together.

  They both had a while before their next class, so they walked over to the HUB to check the bulletin boards, where people posted all types of stuff, from wagon-pooling to apartment sublets to announcements for strange new clubs. Holly wanted to check for any flyers advertising spellcasters looking to get in on Campus Quest.

  Dan grumbled, but Holly explained that every team needed a wizard. The way that the challenges were set up, each team needed to display a variety of strengths. Combat, critical thinking, thieving skills, and yes, spellcasting.

  Even if they could only find a relatively weak mage to join their team, Holly would be happy, but she was worried that this late in the game they were going to come up empty. And sure enough, though they found dozens of Campus Quest flyers advertising wizards, all of the little contact tabs at the bottom had been ripped away.

  “Oh well,” Holly said, but Dan could see that she was disappointed. For one reason or another, this Campus Quest thing was really important to her. “Maybe Nadia will find somebody. If anybody can do it, she will.”