Dan the Barbarian
Page 13
Saying that, he realized that he was supposed to have worked tonight. With the excitement of Campus Quest, he’d forgotten all about it.
Oh well, he thought. Let them fire me.
In T&T, his characters had never gotten part-time jobs. If they needed money, they didn’t wash dishes. They fought.
“Not a bad haul,” Holly said. “Let’s get inside and take a look at those wounds.”
“All right,” he said, but gave her a wary look. “You wouldn’t ever charm me like that, would you?”
“I don’t need to,” Holly said. “You already give me everything I need.” She reached up and touched his face gently, her eyes staring into his. “I was serious back in the bar. But let me say it here, in the open air, for the world to hear. I love you, Dan Marshall of the Free.”
In that instant, Dan forgot the throbbing knife wounds in his back and the dead bodies strewn around the yard behind him. “I love you, too, Holly Thorn of Rothrock.”
Once again, some small part of him understood that this wouldn’t be happening back in his previous life. In that reality, relationships took time, and everyone was afraid to confess love, afraid of getting hurt.
Thank Crom, that world was gone.
He loved this girl. Completely. Whether this love was possible because of the game mechanics or simply because in this world, they were able to do away with all of that old-world bullshit and see everything much more clearly, Dan didn’t know and didn’t care. All that mattered was that he loved Holly, and she loved him. How and why no longer mattered.
“I’m yours and yours alone,” Holly said, “for as long as you’ll have me.”
“And I’m yours,” Dan said. “Forever.”
They kissed and hugged.
Holly led Dan to the big oak tree and explained the elvish ceremony, everything to say and do. They placed their hands on the rough bark of the tree and said the scripted vows.
“I, Holly Thorn of Rothrock, promise to love you and serve you, Dan Marshall of the Free, my one and only husband, through sickness and through health, as your faithful wife, until death do us part.”
“I, Dan Marshall of the Free, promise to love you and serve you, Holly Thorn of Rothrock, through sickness and through health, as your faithful husband, until death do us part.”
They kissed, still touching the tree, and so were married, witnessed by the oak, the night sky, and a handful of corpses that served in some small yet fitting way to color the otherwise Elvish ceremony in barbaric tones.
29
Run Like Hell
“Congratulations and welcome to the quarterfinals of Campus Quest,” a silver-haired dwarven woman said.
Dan and the Noobs stood at the edge of a sprawling intramural field, alongside the other eleven teams that had qualified for the Campus Quest quarterfinals. Among the other teams, Dan saw familiar faces: the fighter with the dead eye, his Sell-Sword teammate the wiry Elven thief, and, unfortunately, Grady and the Alpha Alpha Alpha team, who had exploded with keening laughter when they’d spotted the Noobs.
Dan clenched and unclenched his fists. One of these days…
He felt strong again. The acolytes had done a number on him—eleven points of damage, according to Wulfgar. Old-world Dan would have needed surgery and a long hospital stay, but Holly had healed his wounds over two sessions, and now he was good as new.
The night was cool and damp beneath the cloudless sky. A heavy mantle of waist-high fog covered the field, glowing in the moonlight. Across the field, a wooden platform floated magically ten stories in the air. A dozen thick ropes hung down from the platform like tentacles. Above the platform, a magical scoreboard shone brightly.
“Out in the world, adventures sometimes go wrong,” the dwarven official said with a grin, “and the only thing to do is run like hell.”
This drew laughter from the crowd of spectators behind them.
“Your task tonight is simple,” the dwarven official said. “Run across the foggy field and climb the ropes. No weapons, no spellcasting. The first six teams to have a member reach the platform will advance to the semifinals.”
The official gave them a minute to stretch out.
“Ready, everyone?” Holly asked the Noobs.
“Ready,” Dan said.
“Ready,” Nadia said, stretching her hamstring.
“I am prepared,” Zeke said. Earlier, he had explained that Zuggy couldn’t make it. Tuesday evenings, the monkey had chess club.
“On your marks!” The official called.
Dan stepped to the line, ready to run.
Someone shoved his shoulder. “Gonna smoke you, loser,” Grady said, shouldering in beside Dan.
“Get set!” the official called.
Dan crouched like a leopard ready to pounce.
“Go!”
Dan sprung out of his crouch and sprinted into the foggy field.
Or rather, he tried to sprint. But after just a few steps, he was spilled forward, falling to the ground, surrounded by thick fog.
Grady had tripped him!
Obnoxious laughter whipped away, trailing after the sprinting gnoll.
“Bastard!” Dan shouted and jumped to his feet. He charged, in last place but running fast. Up ahead, he could see his teammates. Nadia out in front, Holly not far behind, and Zeke doddering along, falling farther and farther behind the pack.
Then Zeke yelped and disappeared into the fog.
Old guy must’ve tripped, Dan thought, charging ahead. There wasn’t time to help Zeke now.
As Dan zipped past the place where Zeke had fallen, he noticed others tripping and disappearing into the fog.
“Holly!” he shouted, as she, too, fell out of sight.
There was no time to help his beautiful wife. If he thought that she was in danger, he would dive straight into the fog, but whatever was picking off the runners, it was part of the competition.
Those who hadn’t fallen still sprinted toward the distant ropes.
Dan ran with incredible speed, eating up the distance. Now he was passing people, entering the pack.
Up ahead, Nadia stumbled but kept running.
That’s when Dan heard high-pitched laughter rising out of the fog on all sides. What was in the fog?
His foot tripped over something, and he stumbled forward, barely able to stay up.
Laughter rippled out of the fog around him.
Something grabbed his leg. Then something grabbed his other leg.
Dan roared and kept running, but the laughing creatures held onto his legs, slowing him.
“Get off of me!” Dan shouted and swung his leg in a kick powerful enough to break the grip of whatever had been clinging to him.
“Wee-hee-hee!” A small humanoid flew up out of the fog, laughing as it tumbled through the air. The little man was perhaps two feet tall, with a rust-colored beard. He wore cloggy little shoes with golden buckles and clothes of green: breeches, a coat with tails, and a funny, little top hat with a golden buckle and a four-leaf clover poking from the hat band.
A leprechaun! Dan thought. We’re being tripped by fucking leprechauns!
He shook the other leprechaun free and sprinted forward as fast as he could, stumbling as the little bastards attacked his legs. Somehow, he managed to stay upright and catch up to Nadia, who had fallen but managed to struggle back onto her feet.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” she said.
Running side by side, they broke from the foggy field and sprinted toward the ropes. A few of the ropes swung back and forth, moving side to side as frontrunners climbed toward the floating platform and victory. The wiry elf was most of the way to the top, far ahead of the others.
On the ground, a few of the teams were trying to start their climbers. The problem was that the ropes were high in the air, perhaps fifteen feet from the ground.
One competitor stood on his teammate’s shoulders as a third teammate scaled him like a ladder and managed to reach the rope.
“Stand beneath the rope,” Nadia said, and the next thing Dan knew, she was scaling the front of him, her breasts and flat stomach brushing his face as she quickly climbed onto his shoulders. She pressed down into his shoulders then leapt away, jumping for the rope. He watched her fingers swoosh through the air, missing the rope by several inches.
He caught her before she hit the ground.
Grady’s teammate exploded with mocking laughter beside them. “You suck, Danielle!”
Dan ignored the asshole, telling Nadia to climb up him again.
“You just like my tits in your face,” she joked, scrambling onto his shoulders once more.
“This time, step into my hands,” he said. “I’m going to toss you.”
He put his hands together, and she stepped into them. He dropped her heels to his chest then pushed up explosively.
Nadia soared up, grabbing for the rope. She was closer this time but still missed it by a couple of inches.
She fell into his arms. No sooner had she hit than she was on standing on the ground again, ready to go. “We need more height. Is there anything to stand on?”
Dan looked around. Nothing. There was nothing.
“Give up, Danielle!” the AAA gnoll mocked. “You and your girlfriend are a couple of losers!”
Without a word, Dan caught the asshole with a powerful haymaker to the temple. The gnoll dropped like a two hundred and twenty-five pound bag of shit.
“Focus, barbarian,” Nadia said. “This isn’t the time to crush your enemies. Eight teams are already climbing.”
Overhead, a loud DING sounded, and the scoreboard showed First place: The Sell-Swords.
The audience cheered loudly.
“I wasn’t crushing my enemies,” Dan said, stepping onto the chest of the unconscious gnoll. “I was making something to stand on. Every inch counts.”
“That’s what Holly said,” Nadia joked, and climbed up him again. It was harder to keep his balance, but the unconscious gnoll made a decent pair of platform shoes.
He tossed Nadia hard, and this time, she snatched the rope and started climbing.
High above, the scoreboard gave another DING!
Nadia climbed with incredible speed.
DING! A third team had reached the top.
“Go, Nadia, go!” he shouted.
She was flying up the rope faster than he’d ever seen someone climb, but three teams had already reached the top and five other teams were above her, two of them halfway to the platform.
Nadia would need to beat three of the five teams to earn them a spot. It didn’t seem possible.
Please, Crom! Dan prayed.
Nadia had to be incredibly strong. She continued to zip up the rope, twenty feet, thirty, forty… never slowing her pace.
“Yes!” Dan cried as Nadia passed a flagging climber.
DING! Another team had reached the platform. Dan glanced at the scoreboard and growled, seeing Alpha Alpha Alpha appear in fourth place.
“Go, Nadia!” Dan shouted.
DING! The fifth spot was taken.
“That’s it!” Dan shouted, as Nadia passed another climber. But then he had a sinking feeling.
Nadia was still moving fast, but she still had twenty feet of rope between her and the platform, and the other climber was ten feet above her.
“Go, go, go!” Dan shouted.
Hand over hand, in an impressive display of strength, coordination, and determination, Nadia hoisted herself up the rope, eating the distance between her and her opponent, who was visibly struggling now.
Dan shouted, going out of his mind with excitement as Nadia closed the gap.
Almost there, almost there…
Nadia had caught up, but the other climber was closer, reaching for the platform….
A hand fell on Dan’s shoulder. “Hey, asshole,” the gnoll said, back on his feet. “What do you—”
“Not now,” Dan said, and popped the gnoll with a blistering uppercut that sent him to the ground again.
DING! DING! The scoreboard rang twice, the two chimes so close together that they were almost simultaneous.
Had Nadia actually pulled it off?
But then the scoreboard flashed, and the crowd across the field cheered wildly. The quarter finals were over.
In sixth place: ROTC.
Dan groaned, feeling his hopes crumble away.
His team had finished seventh. Campus Quest was over for the Noobs.
30
Say what?
The spectators clapped and cheered as the platform lowered to the earth like a giant elevator.
For Dan, all that clapping and cheering was just salt in the wound.
So close…
But now it was over. They’d lost, and he was screwed. How could he ever get enough money to buy Dr. Lynch’s textbook, let alone study it, before the midterm?
The fog vanished, revealing a dozen competitors hogtied on the ground. There was no sign of the leprechauns, and no surprise there. The little bastards had turned invisible and were no doubt tip-toeing through the crowd, picking pockets.
Speaking of pickpockets, Nadia stepped from the platform and walked to Dan, shaking her head. “Sorry,” she said.
He swept her into an embrace and held her. “Sorry?” he laughed. “What are you sorry for? You were amazing!”
To his surprise, she didn’t break the hug or crack a joke. She leaned her face into him, letting him comfort her. “I tried so hard,” she said. “I just wasn’t fast enough.”
“I repeat,” he said, “you were amazing. I’ve literally never seen anyone climb that fast.” He kissed the top of her head.
“Thanks,” she said. “You’re sweet. I just feel so bad for Holly. She really wanted to win.”
“Yeah,” he said, feigning a lightheartedness that he didn’t feel, “but at least we made it to the quarterfinals. Top dozen, right?”
They walked back toward the starting line. Dan kept an arm draped over Nadia, who leaned into him.
Holly met them halfway across the field. “Leprechauns!” she said. “I can’t believe it.” She slid in under Dan’s free arm and beamed at them. “You guys were incredible! Nadia, you climbed so fast!”
Then a white-haired madman crashed into them, putting his arms around Holly and Nadia. “Group hug!” Zeke bugled.
Holly and Nadia were clearly disappointed but were doing their best not to show it. Dan felt the same way. Zeke was unfazed.
“Who wants to get drunk?” Nadia said.
“I’m in,” Holly chimed.
Dan hesitated. He’d been hoping against hope that they might actually win Campus Quest and score a critical hit on his poverty. But now they had lost, and his precarious scholarship was a big problem. He couldn’t study for Dr. Lynch’s class, but he could work hard to up his average in other classes. “I should really go home and study,” he said.
“No way,” Holly said.
“Come out with us, at least for a beer or two,” Nadia said.
“Nerd,” Zeke said.
Dan was about to tell Zeke where he could shove his wand when Holly said, “Something’s going on with the judges.”
They were clustered together, talking and pointing and glancing back at the competitors.
A minute later, the silver-haired dwarf announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention, please. I have an important update.”
The crowd hushed. Spectators who’d been drifting toward home paused and turned to listen.
“I regret to inform you that our moderators detected the use of magic during this competition. It appears that the West Halls Warriors used a levitation spell during the climbing portion, thereby violating the rules for this event.”
Confused murmurs burbled through the onlookers and competitors, save for the West Halls Warriors, who frowned at their
feet, grumbling.
“The West Halls Warriors are hereby disqualified from the competition,” the official said. “This moves ROTC into fifth place and the Noobs into sixth place.”
“Yes!” Holly pumped a fist in the air, her purple eyes gleaming. “We’re in the semifinals!”
The Noobs shouted for joy and crushed together in an embrace. This time, Dan was so happy that he didn’t even mind Zeke joining in.
Holly kissed Dan.
Nadia asked him, “You still going home to study, crybaby?” She gave him a playful smile and slapped his ass.
Grabbing her wrist, Dan smiled back at her and said, “No, I’m not–and put my wallet back.”
31
Mischievous Elf
Holly sighed and let her head loll back. “Now, that’s what I call a victory celebration,” she said.
The Skeller afterparty had been a blast, everyone cheering for the Noobs and handing them free drinks, but Dan and Holly had left early to celebrate in her apartment instead.
Best idea ever, Dan thought, lying beneath her, staring up at round undersides of her beautiful breasts.
But then Holly climbed off of him and padded into the kitchen. Watching her perfect ass twitch back and forth as she walked, he felt himself growing hard again. “Hey,” he called. “Get back here. I’m not done with you.”
“Oh, yes you are,” she called from the kitchen. “For tonight anyway.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked. “We’re just getting started.” He got to his feet and headed for the kitchen.
Holly met him halfway, clutching her druidic spells book to her chest and grinning up at him mischievously. “I have to study,” she said.
“Yeah, right,” he said. “Your grin gives you away. You’re up to something.”
Holly giggled–again, mischievously–but she pointed to his clothes, which he’d shed haphazardly, as they’d crossed the floor, stripping naked and kissing, hungry for each other. “Out with you, barbarian,” she said. “Don’t make me use my charm spell.”
“You wouldn’t.”