Dan the Barbarian

by Hondo Jinx

  For half a second, Dan considered pulling a Badger and snubbing the guy, but then he shook hands and discovered that Broadus’s grip was every bit as strong as his own.

  “You are in over your head,” Broadus said. “Be careful not to lose it.” He made a slicing motion across his scarred neck.

  “Right,” Dan said. “Good luck keeping your head attached, too.” He didn’t know if Broadus was trying to be friendly or trying to psych him out. He just knew that he was done talking to the guy. “See you in the stadium.”

  Dan turned to leave but bumped into another member of the Sell-Sword team: the wiry elf.

  The elf clapped Dan on the back. “You should listen to my friend. Sometimes, youth and strength aren’t enough.”

  The elf handed him something… a pouch, Dan realized, with what felt like a good number of coins inside.

  Hey, he thought. This is my pouch.

  “You must have dropped it,” the elf said.

  “Bullshit,” Dan said. “You picked my pocket.”

  The elf grinned. “Relax, boy. Your coins are safe. Count them later, you’ll see. You might even find something extra.”

  “A little something,” Broadus said. “A tip, yes? A clue. Our compliments, for sure. No problem. Maybe this clue, it wakes you up. Helps you understand the lie. Maybe you come to your senses and stay far away from the stadium.”

  “Don’t count on it,” Dan said, and turned away from them.

  They were trying to scare him off, he realized now, trying to eliminate some competition. Heading back through the bar to his reunite with his friends, he had to shake his head. Did the Sell-Swords really think that their line of crap was going to make him forfeit?

  He was a barbarian, not a Barbie doll!

  Reaching the back room, he heard a loud ruckus and pushed his way to the corner table.

  The kid with the red, beefy face was sprawled out unconscious on the table with a bloody nose. Zuggy crouched on his chest, pounding the kid’s bloody face with looping haymakers.

  “Break it up!” Dan shouted. He grabbed the monkey, hauled him off the unconscious idiot, caught the girls’ attention, and nodded toward the exit.

  43

  Pizza Shop Shocker

  Out on the street, the night was refreshingly cool and quiet.

  “Fools never should’ve given him whiskey,” Zeke said, following along after them with Zuggy in his arms. The monkey still struggled, gnashing his teeth and beating the air with his bloodied knuckles.

  “He decked that guy with one punch,” Nadia marveled.

  Zeke nodded. “He only weighs twenty pounds, but he can really crack.” Then the old wizard pointed to a glowing sign outside a pizza shop. “Let’s get him a couple of slices to soak up the whiskey.”

  Standing inside beneath the buzzing fluorescent lights, smelling the pizza, Dan realized that he was starving.

  “What do you girls want?” he asked. “My treat.”

  The three of them decided to split two pizzas and a two-liter soda at home.

  Waiting to order, Dan opened his money pouch, thinking, That elf better not have stolen any of my money.

  Then, looking inside, he recoiled.

  Mixed in with his coins was a little clay head, roughly the size of a ping pong ball.

  Not just any head, though, he realized with a chill.

  It was a replica of the head he had talked to back in Dr. Lynch’s classroom. The grey elf who’d tried to sucker Dan into some wilderness side quest. It was definitely her, stitched eyes and all.

  The thief must’ve put it in there when he’d lifted Dan’s purse.

  “What the hell is that?” Nadia asked.

  Holly leaned in, looking horrified.

  Dan told them about the Sell-Sword thief and raced through some of what had happened in Dr. Lynch’s room, when the head had spoken to him.

  “I’m so confused,” he said. “Why would the Sell-Swords put this in there? What message are they trying to send? They said it was a clue, but how would they even know about the head? And how did they know that I knew about the head?”

  “Divination,” Zeke said darkly.

  “So, they’ve been spying on me?” Dan said. “With magic?” The idea made him feel like he was covered in ticks.

  Before Zeke could respond, Holly spoke up, clearly distressed. “Back up,” she said. “What did the head say?”

  Dan gave her the gist.

  Holly was incredulous. “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

  Because I just thought the great gamemaster in the sky was trying to lure me into some stupid adventure, Dan thought, but what he said was, “I don’t know. It was all just weird. It wasn’t a big deal.”

  “Wasn’t a big deal?” Holly said, her pale cheeks flushing with anger. “A spirit from beyond death–a grey elf spirit–tells you that the forces of evil are rallying, and you didn’t think that was a big deal?”

  “Hey, sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know if it was real, you know? And then my teacher showed up, and she’s the world’s biggest bitch, and—”

  “Yeah,” Holly said, frowning. “You did tell me all about your mean teacher. So that was important enough to share, I guess.”

  “I didn’t want to worry you over nothing,” he said.

  “Well, this isn’t nothing,” Holly said. She shook her head. “As soon as Campus Quest is over, I have to head home and tell my family. And you’re coming with me, husband.”

  Great, Dan thought. Just frigging great.

  The final round of Campus Quest was tomorrow.

  A couple of hours ago, he was riding high, and his only concern was whether or not they would win.

  Now, win or lose, one of the women he loved was going to report to a mob boss with a reputation for mutilating people. Meanwhile, his new wife was going to drag him into the forest and probably lead him into what sounded like a high-level meat grinder dungeon.

  Oh yeah, and he’d also get to meet her parents, his in-laws, who just happened to be grey elves, the most xenophobic of all races.

  Unless I get lucky and die in the finals tomorrow, he thought. Then I won’t have to worry about either problem.

  He’d meant it sarcastically, but strangely, the thought sent an icy chill tiptoeing up his spine.

  44

  The Final Round

  When Dan and his teammates marched onto the field, the entire stadium, with over 80,000 spectators in attendance, cheered wildly.

  Officials had already briefed the Noobs. This final event would take place beneath the stadium in a dungeon filled with challenges and obstacles, including numerous monsters. Their goal: to capture the final treasure, the Chest of Champions, which contained four golden crowns and a check for 50,000 gold pieces.

  Give me strength, Crom, Dan prayed. Let us win.

  Nadia was deeply competitive but more importantly wanted to prove something to herself. Holly wanted to experience victory for victory’s sake and once in her life bask in the glory of public adoration.

  For Dan, things were much simpler. He hadn’t studied for Lynch’s midterm and was definitely going to fail his independent study, which meant that he would soon be losing his scholarship. If he was going to stay in college, he needed to win this prize money.

  The three teams would enter the dungeon simultaneously but at different locations, none of which would afford advantage in time or level of difficulty. Eventually, the passageways would join the main system of caverns, and past that point, Campus Quest allowed no-holds-barred team-versus-team combat.

  The Noobs continued their long walk across the football field.

  Dan smiled grimly and raised his hand toward each quadrant of the massive stadium. Beside him, Holly beamed, waving one slender arm enthusiastically overhead. On his other side strode Nadia, all in black, her dark cloak fluttering behind her, a satisfied smirk showing beneath her black mask.

  Dressed in his colorful poncho and ridiculous cowboy hat, Zeke waved to the
crowd with a staff, which he had apparently added to look more wizard-like. On Zeke’s shoulders, Zuggy grinned, bouncing up and down, pumping his gangly arms overhead.

  Since they were currently in third place, the Noobs were the first to take the field. As instructed, they walked straight to the 50-yard line, climbed onto the wooden stage erected there, and waved at the roaring crowd.

  So many people, Dan thought.

  Willis and his gaming friends were out there somewhere. So were former coworkers from the dishwashing job Dan had quit, classmates and teachers, past and present, and countless people whom he had known casually since coming to Penn State. He felt a wave of gratitude, knowing that all of these people were cheering for him.

  This morning, Dan had received a letter from his mother saying that the whole clan had been invited to a viewing party at Dan's old elementary school. It was clear that his mother didn't really understand much about Campus Quest, but that didn't matter to Dan. He desperately wanted to make his family and the Free proud.

  Of course, not everyone would be rooting for the Noobs. He imagined Dr. Lynch in her dark sunglasses, scowling and shaking her head, offended that the university had allowed a barbarian onto campus in the first place.

  The entire Alpha Alpha Alpha fraternity and most of the Greek organizations would be out there in the bleachers, hoping for Dan’s death.

  And, of course, the Acolytes of Eternal Darkness would be watching, on television if not in attendance, biding their time, waiting to strike again.

  Good, Dan thought. Let them watch. Let them see my strength, and when we meet again, I will use their fear against them.

  “Next up,” the announcer said, “the team from Alpha Alpha Alpha!”

  Dan watched through narrowed eyes as the gnolls charged onto the field, resplendent in the best magical armor that money could buy.

  Over the last two days, several big chain armorers had approached Noobs, too, offering sponsorship. The armorers would loan the Noobs magical weapons and armor so long as they agreed to wear cloaks emblazoned with the armorer’s logo.

  Dan had taken one look at the glowing equipment and declined. He wanted nothing to do with bulky armor, which didn't match his barbaric fighting style at all, or with magical items, which made his skin crawl.

  Grady and the AAA team fell in beside the Noobs. Grady waved at the crowd, a cocky smile on his hyena face.

  He isn't even surprised to be here, Dan thought. The prick probably assumes that he’ll win, probably feels entitled to winning.

  As the announcer introduced the Sell-Swords, Grady leaned slightly forward and called to Dan from the corner of his sneering mouth. “I'll be looking for you down in the dungeon, Danielle.”

  “I won't be hiding,” Dan said.

  Since middle school, Grady had made Dan’s life a living hell, but Dan had changed.

  Grady had changed, too, of course. Now, instead of just being a fantastically athletic bully with a silver spoon shoved up his ass, he was a fantastically athletic seven-foot-tall gnoll wearing enchanted armor and bristling with magical weapons. Growing up in this world, Grady had probably trained under the finest weapons instructors as well.

  But life wasn’t all about how much damage you could deal. Eventually, it also came down to how much damage you could take.

  It came down to toughness.

  It came down to heart.

  And while Grady had lived a childhood of privilege in the white fortress alongside the Susquehanna, Dan had scraped and scavenged to survive in the wilderness across the river.

  If the Noobs and Alpha Alpha Alpha clashed in the dungeon, Dan vowed to find a way through that magical armor, to wipe the sneer from Grady's muzzle, and finally, after all these years, to do what he should have done long, long ago and test the heart of his lifelong antagonist.

  The Sell-Swords took their time crossing the field. All business, they didn't even bother to wave.

  Broadus towered at the center of the team. Like the gnolls, he wore glowing plate mail, but his equipment was far from new. From his well-worn boots to his dented great helm, every scrap of Broadus’s equipment bespoke deep experience.

  With him were the wiry Elven thief, a heavily armored dwarven cleric gripping a glowing war hammer, and the team’s spellcaster, a fierce-looking black-haired woman in blood-red robes.

  The Sell-Swords had won every event so far and were heavily favored in the betting world to win it all.

  While Dan would welcome a fight with Grady down below the surface, he very much wanted to avoid clashing with the Sell-Swords.

  Their riddles continued to haunt him. He still didn’t know how to take Broadus’s warning that the finals were a lie and a death trap, and he hadn’t managed to make any sense of the gruesome clue that the wiry elf had left in his pouch.

  The rest of the Noobs insisted that the Sell-Swords were just trying to psych them out, which made a lot of sense. After all, none of the Sell-Swords were “real” students. They were mercenaries who had enrolled just to be eligible for Campus Quest. To them, this was an investment. They were, as the saying goes, in it to win it.

  “To the thousands in attendance and the millions watching around the world,” the announcer boomed, “welcome to the final round of this year's Campus Quest!”

  After the excited cheering settled down, the announcer breezed over the historical importance of the competition, gave thanks to sponsors and everyone who had worked so hard behind the scenes in order to make this competition possible, and welcomed spectators of note, including the Dukes of Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, and Harrisburg.

  The dukes’ introductions set the crowd to buzzing.

  Over recent months, tensions had been rising between the Dukes of eastern and western Pennsylvania, and both were reportedly courting the Duke of Harrisburg, no doubt trying to strike an alliance that would tip the scales in their favor when war inevitably broke out between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia.

  As a barbarian from the wilds of northern Pennsylvania currently living in the rural center of the state, Dan cared little about these power struggles. He just wanted to get on with the competition.

  The announcer handed the mic to the chairwoman of Campus Quest, who droned on for a while before asking everyone to stand for the national anthem.

  After that, the Penn State cheerleaders charged onto the field and whipped the crowd into a frenzy.

  Then, at long last, the three teams were asked to leave the stage and spread out across the field. Reporting to their assigned locations, each team stood within a glowing circle.

  Dan felt Holly's hand slide to his.

  “Ready?” she asked, her purple eyes shining with excitement.

  “Ready,” he told her, and took Nadia's hand.

  Nadia smiled and reached out to grab Zeke's hand, too.

  Then the circle of grass upon which they stood lowered into the ground, carrying them down a dark shaft. As they descended slowly, sinking deeper and deeper into the earth, a barrier slid into place overhead, blocking out the sun and sky and cheering of the crowd.

  This was it.

  45

  The Dungeon

  The platform lowered them into a cavern roughly the size of Dan’s apartment. The stone floor was more or less level, and flickering torches hung in grommets along the rough-hewn walls.

  Grabbing a torch, Dan realized that he’d made a mistake preparing for this event.

  How was he supposed to use Wulfgar while holding a torch? And what if they had to fight in a tight passageway? He couldn’t even draw the sword, let alone swing it.

  A second later, he held a torch in one hand and a knife in the other, feeling ridiculous.

  “Very intimidating, barbarian,” Nadia joked.

  “Yeah, yeah,” Dan said. “You know what they always say. It isn’t the size of a barbarian’s knife, it’s—”

  “Goblins!” Holly shouted.

  Dan spun around just as Holly jabbed the end of her staff into a gobli
n’s throat, dropping him. Then she jerked to one side, dodging the blade of another attacker.

  Shouting in their ugly, guttural language, a large gang of goblins was pressing forward out of a narrow passageway, trying to flood into the chamber.

  Dan rushed forward, counting–four, six, ten… and lost track, seeing the clamoring mob of goblins still in the passageway, pushing toward the fight. There had to be twenty-five or thirty goblins, maybe more!

  Dan stopped counting and drove his knife into the chest of the closest goblin, reducing their number by one.

  Two goblins continued to attack Holly. Three turned on Dan.

  With their burly shoulders, stubby necks, and brindle hides striped in shades of mud and moss, the goblins reminded Dan of pit bulls. They were short, between four and five feet tall, and very aggressive, with big eyes, pug noses, and wide mouths tangled with crooked teeth.

  Dan blocked and parried, ducked and dodged, stabbed and slashed. He wanted to bowl them over with his superior size and strength, but bull rushing them would be stupid. The goblins would break around his charge, then slide in behind him and cut him to ribbons.

  Dan cursed as a sword grazed his thigh, slicing through the new jeans he’d bought for the event. The cut burned, draining blood.

  Dan counterattacked, punching his knife through the bulging eye of the goblin who’d cut him.

  Another goblin surged at Dan, growling as it swung a crude hand axe.

  Dan sidestepped the sloppy attack, mesmerized by the goblin’s enraged face. Inked in blocky black letters across the brindled forehead, a tattoo read, GREETINGS.

  Weird, Dan thought, and jammed his knife into the goblin’s eye.

  Weirder still, he soon realized that the other goblins also had tattooed foreheads.

  He killed KEEP with a disemboweling rake across the gut, then stomp-kicked WHEN in the face, driving the little bastard backward and impaling him on the spear of GOING, whom Dan finished seconds later, drilling him with a one-two combination, stunning him with a hard jab to the forehead and driving the knife hilt-deep through the goblin’s upturned nose.