Retreat

by Jay Crownover

  I leaned forward in the chair and rested my forehead on the point my crossed knees made. “I felt like acid was eating me alive inside every single time I saw you. I wanted to tell you what happened, but I was so scared. You knew all along and you never said a word.”

  I heard her scoff a little. “I’m not the one who had the affair. I was under no obligation to make your life easier or your deception easier to live with.”

  She was right. She didn’t owe me anything, but I didn’t like the way she had leveraged my guilty conscience into making me a pawn she could use how she saw fit.

  “He made it so easy.” I choked on the words as every single way Cy made it so difficult flashed through my mind. He wasn’t going to fit unless I made him fit and right now there was a hole so big in the center of me that I needed him to fill it up in order to make sense of anything. Half a life before him, no life without him, at least not one that had anything I wanted inside of it.

  She gave me a sympathetic look and that bile rose even harder up in my throat. She felt sorry for me; that I had been foolish enough to fall for someone as simple as her husband. I didn’t want her pity and I knew deep down into my bones that I didn’t want to work for or with someone who was okay using another person’s emotions against them like a weapon. “He does that. That’s why we’ve stayed together as long as we have. He makes it easy for me to live my life around him. Now about that extended contract . . .”

  Say what you mean and mean what you say. I pushed to my feet and shook my head at her. “I can’t sign on for an extended contract. I’m happy to finish out the one I’m already committed to, but I don’t want to do this anymore.”

  She frowned at me, seeming to be genuinely confused. “Is this about working for me now that you know that I know about you and my husband?”

  I shook my head again and felt one of Cy’s not quite smiles tug at my mouth. “No. This is about me being sick of the noise. I don’t want to manipulate people into spending money on stuff they don’t need with clever words and glossy images. I don’t want to be seduced by easy and uncomplicated.” I took a step toward the door and gave her a steady look. “I want to know what I’m dealing with up front, because you can hear the truth ringing in every syllable spoken. I want complicated and problematic. I want to get on the horse every time it throws me and not be afraid of being hurt because . . .” I took another step toward the door, my heart kicking against my ribs and determination like a fire in my blood. Everything that happened before goodbye was what lingered, but I could make what happened after goodbye be the most important choices I ever made. “I want to be happy for once in my life, and I want to mean it when I say that I am. I’m not just done with your company after the contract is finished, I’m done with this half-life.” It was my turn to lift my eyebrows at her as I put a hand on the door and pulled it open. “What good is having an empire if you’re the only one around to appreciate everything you’ve worked so hard for?”

  She scoffed again, but I could tell she had moved past irritated and was now actually angry. I wanted to tell her that she would have a much better life if she got worked up that way about the state of her marriage, rather than her business, but it wasn’t my job to save her relationship, not when she was the one who let it wither in the first place.

  “Bad taste in men and bad business sense. Don’t think I won’t be going to your bosses about your unprofessional behavior and your refusal to work with my company further. They won’t be happy.”

  I shrugged, already trying to figure out what I should do about Em and the lease on my apartment rather than worry about the state of my former career. “The only happiness I’m worried about is my own.” And a certain unsmiling not quite a cowboy’s happiness, too, but she didn’t need to know that. She wouldn’t appreciate the challenge and didn’t deserve to know that my taste in men had vastly improved.

  I shut the door even though she was still speaking to me and I couldn’t stop the face-splitting grin that stretched my mouth wide as I made my way back to the apartment. I threw open the door with more gusto than it required and called Em’s name at the top of my lungs. She didn’t respond, which was nothing new, so I went to the guest room to tell her I was quitting my job and chasing after the biggest risk ever. I thought she would be happy for me. I thought she would support my decision. I thought maybe she would even hug me and let her pretty smile back onto her newly scarred face. I thought she would be curled up in a ball under the covers on the bed like she had been since we got home.

  I thought wrong.

  The room was empty. The bathroom was empty and there were no signs of her anywhere in my house. I panicked at first, calling her cell no less than twenty times in a row. Every call went to voicemail and when I called her parents, they were just as lost and confused as I was. I tore through the room, looking for anything that might give me a sign as to where she went, when my phone rang. I didn’t want to answer it in my frantic state, but it was my grandmother’s number and there was no way I could ignore her after being out of touch for so long.

  “Hey, Gram. Now’s not a good time, can I call you back in a little bit?” I was going to call the police and fill out a missing person’s report. I was going to call Grady and Wyatt and see if they could use some kind of super government tracking system and locate her. Okay, maybe that was a little bit irrational, but I was desperate to find my friend.

  “Leo, I need you to listen to me for a minute.” She only used that tone with me when I was in trouble or when something bad had happened. Usually those two things involved one person and I was beyond done with her and the way she tossed me away. I had more love than I knew what to do with. I was no longer missing hers.

  I groaned and shoved a hand through my hair. “Gram if this has something to do with Mom, I don’t care.”

  “It’s not about your mother, dear, it’s about Emrys.”

  I stopped digging through the drawers in the room that were now empty and looked up at the mirror my best friend had spent hours crying in front of. I don’t know what she saw when she looked at herself in the reflection, but all I could see was the same gorgeous, warm, wonderful friend who had kept me afloat when all I wanted to do was drift. Her outsides had changed and maybe her insides had too, but she was still made of the same stuff that always made her my favorite person in the entire world.

  “What about Em?” I whispered the words and whipped my head around as I heard knocking on my apartment door. Thinking it might be the woman we were talking about I took a flying leap over the bed, and not so gracefully scrambled back to my feet as I raced toward the living room.

  “She called me today and told me you met a man. She said this one is very different from the last. She told me you wouldn’t go to him as long as you felt like you had to stay and take care of her, so she asked me if it would be okay if she came and stayed with me for a little while.” My grandmother sighed. “I asked why she couldn’t stay with her parents and she told me I would understand once I saw her.” Another sigh, this one deep and sad. The pounding on the front door grew louder and more impatient and I wondered if Chris’s wife had changed her tune and wanted to take a swing after all. “Her poor face. The girl needs to rest and she needs someone to talk to.”

  I skirted around the couch and pulled the chain on the door and flipped the deadbolt without looking through the peephole. This was the city, not the wild, wild west so I knew it was stupid but I was distracted and worried. “Gram, did she tell you what happened?”

  “No, not all of it, but I gather she met a man too. Her eyes are so sad, Leo. She needs time.”

  I sniffled a little bit and pushed back tears as they threatened. “I was taking care of her. I want to help her.” I felt like that was my job, my real job, one I wouldn’t walk away from until it was done.

  “I know, sweetie, but she’s worried you’ll focus on her and forget about you. I love Emrys like she’s family. I’ll take care of your girl while you take care of yo
u, and then you can come and get her and you can take care of each other. She needs space right now, Leo. She’s hurting and she doesn’t know what to do with that hurt. I’m sure you can relate.” There was dry humor in her tone that made my lips curl. “Whatever happened, I’m sure you were there for. You’re tied to that memory right now and as much as you want to help, you might be making things worse.” I hated that, but my grandmother was never one to beat around the bush. If Em needed time, I had plenty of it to give.

  “I’ll take care of me, Gram.” I pulled open the door ready to demand an explanation for all the racket, and felt everything inside of me that had been cold and sluggish fire back to life.

  On my doorstep was the cowboy I’d been waiting for all along.

  Tight faded blue jeans held up with a buckle the size of my head at the center of that trim and toned waist. A broad chest covered in a well-fitted, plaid shirt with pearl snaps on the front and black piping along the seams. The cowboy boots on his feet looked as new as the ones I wore last time I saw him, but the black Stetson on his dark head was well loved and looked unbelievable on him. There still weren’t any leather chaps or a Sam Elliott mustache, but he had left his facial hair so that it was now trimmed into a perfectly groomed goatee. He was a western dream come true, and he looked so good, and I missed him so much, I couldn’t make words come out of my mouth. We stared at each other in rapt silence for a long minute until I heard my grandma’s voice squawk over the phone asking me if I was still there.

  Robotically, I put my phone to my ear and told my gram I would call her back. I didn’t look where it landed as I tossed the thing over my shoulder and reached out to grab the big, brooding man in front of me by the shirt.

  It had only been a couple of weeks, but it felt like an eternity. Time had no meaning where this man and the way I felt about him were concerned. I thought it was impossible to fall in love within a few short days, but I was wrong. I figured falling in love with someone who was hard, who was a challenge, who forced me to live my life with them instead of around them was impossible. I was wrong about that as well. I liked the work Cy took and I liked the work he had to put into me. I was certain it had only taken hours to hand my heart over to him and it had taken minutes to realize that leaving him wasn’t going to be an option. There were no easy answers how any of this was going to work out between the two of us, so I didn’t bother asking the questions.

  Instead, I fused my mouth to his as his hands landed at my waist once the door was slammed shut behind him. I didn’t need words to tell him how much he was missed when my kiss and clutching hands conveyed my feelings for me. I also didn’t need to hear him tell me why he was here or that he was missing something out of his life with me gone. Not when he backed me into the door with a thump and held onto my face like I was something precious and prized. This wasn’t a kiss hello, this was kiss that sealed our fate. This was a kiss that filled in the missing pieces and made promises that we were bound to keep. This was a kiss that made my blood blaze and had my heart shooting sparks of happiness and relief.

  His teeth sank into my bottom lip and the bite made me whimper. He growled against my lips and lowered his hands to my thighs, his rough fingers easily finding their way under the hem of my boring work skirt. I looked better in the tight denim he was used to seeing me in, but the unremarkable taupe skirt sure was a lot easier for him to maneuver around with his grabby hands and hard flesh. His pelvis leaned into mine and he lifted my legs up around his waist so that we were pressed together as intimately as we could be without actually having sex.

  I lifted an eyebrow at him, because the show of strength it required to keep me elevated as he caressed soft skin between my legs was impressive, but unnecessary. I was already enthralled by him, wanted him in a way that hurt and healed at the same time, and had no trouble giving him access to any part of me that he wanted to put his hands on. The fog that perpetually colored his gaze had cleared, the clouds lifted to reveal the pretty, pearly dove gray underneath. That clarity, that light in the dark that was shining through, told me more than any words ever would about why he was on my doorstep. He only had half of a heart left to give and he wanted me to have it.

  I made him smile.

  I made him happy.

  I was his Sunshine in the storm.

  His forehead fell forward and landed against mine as his rapid breaths touched my wet and swollen lips. Eye to eye, heart to heart, heat to heat, all of us lined up and fit together like we were supposed to. There were no missing pieces anymore because together we were complete.

  I lowered the arms I had wrapped around his shoulders to grab the front of his shirt. I pulled it open with both hands, disappointed the snaps popped easily instead of it having buttons to send flying. His skin scorched under my palms and his heart raced as it rushed to tell me all the things his lips were too busy to say.

  The tip of his nose traced the edge of my jaw and then skated underneath my ear as he dropped tiny, sweet kisses everywhere my pulse pounded for him. The brim of his Stetson obscured his face and his features when he lowered his head, and as much as I liked the way he looked in it, I liked the way he looked at me when he had me under him and over him even more. I used the back of my hand to send the hat sailing to the floor and had no regrets when I saw his eyes flare and his jaw clench as I squeezed my legs around his waist to urge him to go faster.

  The fingers of one of his hands dug hard into my hip as the other slipped and slid under stretchy lace to get at the very center of my desire for him. My vagina was just as happy as the rest of me to see him and there was no hiding it. The fabric between my legs was soaked and clingy as his fingers trailed through moisture and taunted very needy skin. I finally whispered his name on a strangled huff when the edge of his knuckle purposely rubbed against my clit. My entire body vibrated at the brief touch and every ounce of longing that had been pent up over the last few weeks screamed through me in a rush. I put my thumb under his chin and forced his head back up so that I could seal my lips back over his.

  I missed the way he tasted.

  I missed the way he teased.

  I missed the way he felt pressed against me and I missed the way I felt like I could conquer the entire world when I made him sigh and shake with just the flick of my tongue and the nip of my teeth.

  He tugged the silk shirt I had worn under my blazer to work out of the top of my skirt. Since I actually liked this shirt and wanted to be able to wear it again at some point in the future, I leaned back so that my shoulders were pressing into the door and wiggled the expensive fabric off over my head. The cups of my lacy bra were immediately shoved up over the crest of my breasts, making the plump flesh bounce a little. Cy grinned, looking like a wolf with its prey in sight. I didn’t mind being dinner, as long as I got to eat, too.

  I curled a hand around the side of his neck so that the raised vein there throbbed under my fingers. I used the other hand to wrestle with that massive belt buckle, which I quickly became annoyed by. It looked cool, but it weighed a ton, and when I finally got it loose, it banged against my leg hard enough to hurt. I scowled at him but his eyes were locked on the way my nipples pulled tight and beaded up for him. They were begging for his mouth. They were pleading for his tongue. He wasted no time in hefting me up a little and lowering his head just a fraction so he could pull one needy peak into his mouth. The heat engulfed it and flames licked at my blood. A rush of wetness hit his playing fingers and he must have decided it wasn’t time to play anymore.

  His teeth scraped across my aroused and drawn nipple. His facial hair lightly abraded my skin where it dragged across my chest as he moved from one breast to the other, raising little bumps of pleasure and anticipation in its wake.

  Since I was struggling with the weight and stiff leather of his belt, he pulled the thing out of the loops and efficiently popped open the button at the top. The press of his erection and the heat from his hand had little flutters of desire working through my damp folds an
d had my core clenching and unclenching in readiness and need. He had to lower me long enough to pull my underwear down my legs, but he didn’t give me enough time to strip off the skirt before he had it shoved back up around my waist and my legs spread wide and open to him. As soon as the heavy fabric of his jeans was out of the way, the center of where we touched was filled with a hard, unbending erection. The instant that rigid shaft hit my soft, wet, center we both groaned, ragged and rough.

  I moved my fingers to his hair while he continued to eat at the aching, distended tips of my breasts. I tossed my head back until it connected with the door and bit my lower lip as he tilted his hips forward, driving the length of his cock through my folds and moisture that coated them. I swore at him impatiently as he rubbed himself back and forth but ignored my wiggling and squirming to get him where I needed him. I wanted him inside of me. I wanted him filling me up and spilling out of me. I wanted him looking directly at me while we moved on and with one another, so that he could see that he was it for me and that I intended to be it for him. I wanted him to rule and ruin me too.

  I wove an arm across his massive shoulders. They were strong enough to hold me and the entire world up. I put a hand on his cheek and leaned forward so I could touch my lips light to his and then twisted my head so that my lips touched his ear. I traced the outside curve with the tip of my tongue and felt his entire, big body quake.

  “I missed you, Cy.” The words came from a place that was beyond any doubt or reservations I may have had. They were words that had survived being scared and unwanted. They were words that painted a future and overcame my past. They were words that made me stronger and weaker than I had ever been before in my life because I missed him, and I missed who I was when I was with him.

  His midnight eyebrows slashed down over his stormy eyes, and without warning, I was pierced, spread open, and pinned to the door as he thrust his rigid cock into my waiting body. The pressure from his invasion made my eyes pop wide and had my breath hitching. I could feel every burning inch of him as hard flesh dragged across sensitive nerves. He hooked the bend of my knees over his arms and pressed even more fully into me. This was as open as I had ever been, both figuratively and literally, for anyone. He was seeing all of me, he was taking all of me, and it felt like a tornado made up of flames as it pulsed and beat inside of me.