My Life in the Fish Tank
Page 16
“No, I totally get it. I’m teasing you, Monkeygirl.”
I grinned. We both ordered Monster Cones and took them to a tiny table in the back.
“So what’s going on with you?” he asked. “I mean, for the summer.”
“Not much. I may walk dogs—”
“Boring.”
I licked my spoon. “Well, at least I’ll earn some money.”
He was watching my face. “What about that summer program Mom was talking about? The science one. You didn’t get in?”
“No, I did.”
“Then why aren’t you going? It’s too expensive?”
“No, it’s free.”
“Soooo?” He blinked. “Why are you sitting here, then?”
“Because…” I couldn’t finish.
Gabriel nodded once, slowly. “Oh. You mean because of me.”
I ate some ice cream.
“Zinny,” he said. “If you think I’m going to let you sit around and stare at me all summer, you’re crazy. And I’m the crazy one in this family, not you.”
“You’re not crazy. You’re bipolar.” I swallowed some hot fudge. “And I’m not going to stare at you, Gabriel.”
“You’d better not.” He laughed. “Seriously, though, you don’t need to worry about me. Or take care of me, if that’s what you thought you’d be doing.” He looked straight into my eyes. “I’m pretty good now, actually.”
I leaned across the table toward him. “You really are? You swear, Gabriel?”
“Yeah.” He caught a drip of fudge with his finger. “I mean, obviously I have to stay on top of my meds, and I’ll be seeing doctors and doing therapy for the rest of my life, probably. But as long as I watch my routine and exercise and stress level and all that kind of stuff, and just stay aware of everything, I really think I’ll be okay.”
“And you won’t…?” I couldn’t finish the sentence, but I could tell Gabriel knew what I meant.
“Zinny, all I can promise is that if I’m having trouble again, I’ll get help. I know I can do that now, and I will. You believe me?”
How could I not? After all this time, here we were again, just the two of us. Finally talking.
“Yeah, I believe you,” I said softly.
“Good.” He exhaled a little. “And you know, I’m definitely going back to school in the fall.”
“You are? Do Mom and Dad know? I mean, you told them?”
“Yep. They’re both nervous about it, but they’ll be fine.” Gabriel took a bite of ice cream. “Mom’s going back to school too, actually.”
“Yeah, she told me. I’m really glad.”
He nodded. “So you see, you got your wish, Zin: we’re not just about this anymore.” He drew a little circle in the air with his spoon. “Now stop worrying about everyone, and go off this summer and do something about you, okay?”
I looked at him, really looked at him then. His clear hazel eyes. His glowing smile. He looked like Gabriel again. Like my big brother.
But.
“I can’t,” I told him. “I mean, I already told them no, so it’s probably too late. And anyhow, the program starts this month.”
“Don’t be so negative, Monkeygirl,” he said. He tapped my shoulder, like he was poking me with an invisible wand. “Hey, you still have that miniature chair I got you from that weird diorama museum?”
“Of course I do! It’s my good-luck charm. Not that I believe in luck or anything,” I added.
“Well, bring it with you to that marine biology place. Maybe you’ll see a mermaid.”
“I don’t believe in mermaids, either.”
“Maybe you should,” Gabriel said, grinning.
What Happened Next
What happened was that as soon as we got home, I talked to Mom and Dad, who e-mailed Ms. Molina, who called the landline early the very next morning, even though it was July 4.
“Zinny, I’m glad to hear you’ve reconsidered,” she said kindly. “But I have to be honest with you—I’m a little worried. There were only a few slots in the program, and when you gave up yours, I’m sure they filled it right away.”
“So you mean it’s too late now?” I heard my voice shaking. Somehow between yesterday, when Gabriel had urged me to try, and this morning, I’d realized how much I needed to do this summer program. It felt necessary to me, like aeration in a tank.
“It may very well be too late,” Ms. Molina admitted. “Although…”
“Yes?”
“What if you wrote an essay, or not an essay, maybe just a letter, explaining in your own words why you want to come? What you hope to get out of the summer—you know, all the reasons they should make an exception for you. Do it fast—this morning would be best, even though it’s a holiday. And as soon as you’ve written it, e-mail it to me, and I’ll forward it to the director.”
“Okay.” My heart was in my throat. “Do you think it’ll work?”
“Honestly, Zinny, I can’t promise. But think of it as a chance to share something about yourself with the world. Something important.”
I went to my bedroom. Scarlett was sleeping over at Jamilla’s house, so for once I had it all to myself.
I opened my laptop.
Share something about yourself with the world. Such as what? Really, there was too much to say.
So I figured I should focus on what Ms. Molina had said—the important things. And pretend Mr. Patrick had covered the walls with white paper.
Dear Person Who Reads This,
My teacher Ms. Isabella Molina (Lakeland Middle School) told me to write to you explaining why I didn’t accept the invitation to join the summer program at Blue Shoals, and also to ask if I could still get in. I know you had only a few spots and it was a privilege to get accepted, so I messed up when I said I wasn’t going. The reason that happened was because my big brother was sick with a mental illness, and when he came home from his residential treatment center, I thought my family needed me to stay home this summer. It’s not like I think he’s all cured forever, and that there won’t ever be anything to worry about again-but I can tell he’s doing much better now. He says he really wants me to do Blue Shoals, and I believe him.
Ms. Molina says you are all full of students for the program, and probably don’t have room for me anymore. I know the program is about to start very soon. But I think you should still let me in, because I love science, and this year I figured out something important about it. In Ms. Molina’s class we observed and did experiments on crayfish. And what I learned was that even if you set up the best tank, with the best aeration, and feed your crayfish the best shrimp pellets, and give him rocks to climb on and plants (etc., etc.), he might still try to escape. You can’t control everything, and you can’t predict everything either.
The same thing with people.
I think this will make me a good scientist, knowing you should just keep your eyes open for everything. Because everything can happen.
Anyway, I hope it’s not too late and you can still let me into the summer program.
Sincerely,
Zinnia Manning
And What Happened after That
The letter worked. A few days later I heard that I’d get to go to Blue Shoals after all. And like Ms. Molina predicted, it was the best summer of my life. But that’s a whole different story from the one I’m telling you now.
I didn’t see a mermaid, of course.
I saw real things.
Not trapped in fish tanks. Swimming in the big, beautiful Pacific Ocean:
Mantis shrimp and sea lions.
Turtles, seaweed, and octopi.
Anemones, stingrays, and starfish (one of them with six arms!).
And you know what I think?
No—you know what I know?
Everything in the world is part of nature. All the creatures, even the weird ones, are just figuring out how to grow, how to change. How to survive. And maybe they need some help, but if they do, that’s okay. I think they’ll be okay.
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Because, like Aiden told me once, survival is realistic.
Acknowledgments
Once again, heartfelt thanks to my brilliant editor, Alyson Heller, for all the joyful collaborations over the years! Thanks to all the folks at Aladdin/S&S who make books possible: Mara Anastas, Valerie Garfield, Kristin Gilson, Michelle Leo, Chriscynethia Floyd, Chelsea Morgan, Sarah Woodruff, Amy Beaudoin, and Amanda Livingston. Karen Sherman, thank you for another terrific job of copyediting. Thanks to Jenna Stempel-Lobell for the beautiful cover art, and to Heather Palisi and Jess LaGreca for the design.
Ever grateful for my peerless agent, Jill Grinberg, and for the whole team at Jill Grinberg Literary Management: Katelyn Detweiler, Denise Page, Sam Farkas, Sophia Seidner, and Larissa Melo Pienkowski.
Thanks to Tracey Daniels, Casey Blackwell, and Karen Wadsworth of Media Masters Publicity for their inspired and tireless work.
Thanks to Dr. Jane Gaughran for chatting with me about bipolar disorder and its effect on siblings.
And to my real-life, actual, non-fictional family—Chris, Josh, Alex and Dani, Lizzy and Jamie—thank you for everything, always.
More from the Author
Maybe He Just Likes You
Everything I Know About You
Halfway Normal
Star-Crossed
Truth or Dare
The (Almost) Perfect Guide to Imperfect Boys
About the Author
Barbara Dee is the author of eleven middle-grade novels published by Simon & Schuster, including Maybe He Just Likes You, Everything I Know About You, Halfway Normal, and Star-Crossed. Her books have earned several starred reviews and have been named to many best-of lists, including the Washington Post Best Children’s Books, the ALA Notable Children’s Books, the ALA Rise: A Feminist Book Project List, the NCSS-CBC Notable Social Studies Trade Books for Young People, and the ALA Rainbow Book List Top Ten. Barbara lives with her family, including a naughty cat named Luna and a sweet rescue hound dog named Ripley, in Westchester County, New York.
Aladdin
Simon & Schuster, New York
Visit us at simonandschuster.com/kids
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Also by Barbara Dee
Maybe He Just Likes You
Everything I Know About You
Halfway Normal
Star-Crossed
Truth or Dare
The (Almost) Perfect Guide to Imperfect Boys
Trauma Queen
This Is Me From Now On
Solving Zoe
Just Another Day in My Insanely Real Life
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
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First Aladdin hardcover edition September 2020
Text copyright © 2020 by Barbara Dee
Jacket illustration copyright © 2020 by Jenna Stempel-Lobell
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Interior designed by Jess LaGreca
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Dee, Barbara, author.
Title: My life in the fish tank / Barbara Dee.
Description: First Aladdin hardcover edition. | New York, New York : Aladdin, 2020. | Audience: Ages 9-13. | Summary: When twelve-year-old Zinnia Manning’s older brother Gabriel is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, it turns her family’s world upside-down, especially since they are keeping the information private.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020021831 (print) | LCCN 2020021832 (eBook) | ISBN 9781534432338 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781534432352 (eBook)
Subjects: CYAC: Manic-depressive illness—Fiction. | Mentally ill—Fiction. | Brothers and sisters—Fiction. | Family life—Fiction. | Friendship—Fiction. | Middle schools—Fiction. | Schools—Fiction.
Classification: LCC PZ7.D35867 My 2020 (print) | LCC PZ7.D35867 (eBook) | DDC [Fic]—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020021831
LC eBook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020021832