My Skylar

by Penelope Ward

  “I’m sorry about everything that happened, Skylar. I’m sorry you left, that you were hurt, and I’m most sorry that Tish and I grew apart because of it. I really miss her.”

  I reached for her hand across the table. “That makes me more sad than you know.”

  She looked down at my ring. “You’re engaged?”

  “Yes.”

  “Promise me something?”

  “Okay…”

  “Promise me you won’t lead Mitch on. If you say you’re his friend…be one. Don’t cross the line then leave. He couldn’t handle losing you again. I know my son, and I know how much he still loves you. He never stopped. He may be telling you he’s okay with this friendship thing, but you’re still very much under his skin. I can’t bear to see him hurt again.”

  It was a lot to take in. “I won’t hurt him, Janis.”

  She took my tea from my hands and placed it on the table. “Go meet my grandson.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t be scared. He’s a little Mitch. He’s got the same big blue eyes. He can’t speak, but I know he can understand us.”

  “She’s really not around at all?”

  “No, honey. Were you worried about that? She was never a part of our lives. She calls to check on Henry once in a blue moon, mostly when she knows my son is at work. She doesn’t want to deal with Mitch, and the feeling is mutual. She claims she might be coming in the summer, but who knows? We’re better off without the aggravation. It would only screw up Henry’s routine if she came around.”

  “I have recurring dreams about beating the shit out of her.”

  “Don’t pay them any mind. She’s not worth any of our time. Go upstairs. See Henry. He might even be sleeping by now.”

  I stood up and put the mug on the counter. Tensely gripping the handrail, I slowly walked up the stairs.

  The door to Mitch’s bedroom was slightly open, and he was lying on the bed with Henry. There was one night light on. He didn’t see me peeking through the crack of the door and was unaware that I could hear him talking to his son.

  “She was everything to me once, like you are now. I want you to meet her. Her name is Skylar. I can’t believe she’s actually here.”

  Henry was awake, staring vacantly, humming but non-responsive. That didn’t stop Mitch from talking to him in the same manner he would were he expecting the boy to say something back.

  Mitch kissed him on the head. “You feel better now that I’m here, don’t you? I love you, buddy.”

  A feeling so intense it was unidentifiable built inside my heart upon seeing Mitch as a father like this. Yet, his situation was different than most. You had to be an extraordinary person to parent a child who needed round the clock care and still demonstrate the patience and love he clearly had for Henry.

  I coughed so that he knew I was there.

  Mitch sat up. “How long were you standing there?”

  “Not long.”

  “Come in.” He turned to Henry who was calm but staring into space. “Henry, this is who I was telling you about…Daddy’s special friend. This is Skylar.”

  I sat at the edge of the bed. “Hi, Henry. It’s so nice to meet you.”

  He said nothing and didn’t look at me. He blinked a few times as he stared at the wall.

  “Is he feeling better?”

  “Yeah. He’s used to me putting him to bed. So, I think he was just acting up for my mother. As soon as I got up here, he stopped crying. I brought him here to my room in the hopes that if I lay down with him, he’d fall asleep. I’ll transfer him back to his own bed once he’s out, but he’s a little wired from all the jumping.”

  I was still looking up at Mitch when I felt Henry reach for my hand. I looked down at his tiny dimpled fingers, which were now gripping my own. My palm was facing up as he began folding my fingers down one by one as if he were counting as he went along. Then, I would open my hand up again and he would repeat it. Even though he wouldn’t look at me, he was looking at my hand.

  “Does he do this a lot?” I smiled.

  “No. He doesn’t usually touch people like that. He seems to be playing with you, though.”

  After a few more rounds of the same pattern of opening and closing in sequence, he stopped and just continued to hold my hand without making eye contact. I could feel Mitch staring at me as I looked down at Henry’s hand in mine. When I got a closer look at the boy’s face, I realized he really was the spitting image of Mitch. There was no physical sign of her. I continued to stare in awe at the beautiful human being I once perceived as the main source of my angst. In reality, he was an angel.

  Mitch startled me when he placed his hand over Henry’s and mine. My entire body warmed upon his touch.

  “Thank you for coming upstairs to meet him. I didn’t want to pressure you, but I’m really glad you did.”

  “He’s beautiful, Mitch.”

  “Thank you.”

  “And you’re an amazing father.”

  He looked down at our hands then up at me. “You have no idea how much that means to hear you say that. I like to think that everything happens for a reason, even the bad stuff. I just know I was meant to be his father, you know? I don’t regret having him. Hurting you is my only regret.”

  “You need your strength for this little boy. I really see that now. Don’t waste your energy worrying about the past. I’m strong. I’m fine. He needs you now.”

  “He does need me.” His eyes seemed to be glowing in the darkness as he stared into mine. “But I need you.”

  I didn’t know what to say. Despite my declaration of strength, I felt like I wanted to cry…not exactly out of sadness. Out of what, I couldn’t be sure. Henry was now fast asleep. I slipped my hand from beneath Mitch and Henry’s and stood up. “You should take him to his room. I’ll meet you downstairs.”

  “I’m sorry. It just came out. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just said what I felt in that moment.”

  I turned around in the doorway. “It’s okay. See you down there.”

  I went down the stairs as fast as I could to avoid his seeing that I was about to cry.

  Janis got up from the table. “Well?”

  She could see that my eyes were watering and hugged me.

  “He’s so beautiful, Janis. He held my hand and was playing a game with me.”

  As my head leaned against her shoulder, the seriousness of this situation really hit me. She was right. I had to make sure I didn’t cross any lines if I wasn’t planning to leave Kevin. This wasn’t a game. Mitch still had strong feelings for me and couldn’t afford to have his heart broken. I couldn’t afford to fall in love with that little boy and hurt both of them if I chose to stay with Kevin.

  I wiped my eyes just as I heard footsteps behind me and then Mitch’s deep, smooth voice.

  “Apparently, Skylar’s presence did the trick. Henry’s out like a light now. Ready to head back?”

  “Yes.” I hugged Janis one last time. “It was so nice to see you again.”

  “You, too, honey. Don’t be a stranger.”

  ***

  Mitch was deep in thought the entire car ride home while I kept thinking about Henry.

  By the time he pulled into my driveway, the silence had become impossible to take any longer. “Are you okay?”

  He rubbed his temples, looking frustrated. “I’m fine.”

  “You don’t look fine.”

  He suddenly turned to me. “It’s just…not easy.”

  “What?”

  “You really want to know? I was supposed to be…” He wiggled his fingers into air quotations. “Respecting your situation. It might be better if I just let you go inside because if I start talking right now—”

  “What’s not easy?”

  I flinched when he reached his hand over to my cheek and rubbed his thumb along my chin. “Pretending that you’re just a friend.”

  My heart felt like it was trapped inside my chest along with all the words that wanted
to escape held captive by an overwhelming fear of my own emotions.

  I’m scared. I want you so badly that it hurts. I’ve never loved you more than I have tonight after seeing you with your son.

  He let go of me. “Just go inside, Skylar, before I say or do something I’ll regret tomorrow.”

  “I don’t want to leave you like this.”

  “Why can’t you answer my question?” he asked, turning his whole body toward me.

  “What question?”

  “I’ve asked you twice whether you’re happy, and you haven’t given me an answer. It’s what I need to know in order to move on. It’s why I fucking started stalking you.”

  “I guess I’m just not sure how to answer that.”

  “That’s a no, then.”

  My tone was defensive. “I feel safe with Kevin, okay? He’s never hurt me, and I’m pretty sure he never will.”

  He moved away from me. “Unlike me.”

  “I didn’t mean that against you. I just—”

  “That’s okay. I get it now.”

  “No. You don’t.”

  “You don’t realize that the words coming out of your mouth don’t match the look in your eyes, Skylar. Your eyes are betraying you and confusing the fuck out of me. You still look at me the way you always have, like I’m the most important thing in the world to you. As long as you keep doing that—until you tell me to walk away—I’m not sure that I can move on.”

  “You’re right. I shouldn’t be leading you on. This is all just really confusing.”

  “Look…I’m a different person now. I’ve been through a lot. I’m not that boy anymore that was scared to tell you how he felt. I’m a damaged man that feels like he’s been to hell and back with nothing to lose. I want you more in this moment than I’ve ever wanted you. You’re all I want, and I can’t even show you how much. You have no idea the things I’d do to you right now if I could. I can’t even think straight around you. There’s just no one else, Skylar. There hasn’t been anyone else. I haven’t—”

  “You haven’t what?”

  “This is so fucked up.” He slammed his head against the steering wheel. “Fuck! I didn’t want to have this conversation tonight.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  He looked over at me and whispered, “I haven’t been with anyone.”

  “What? What do you mean?”

  “I mean…I haven’t been…with a woman in over five years.”

  “You haven’t had a girlfriend…but certainly you’ve…”

  He shook his head. “No. No one. I haven’t touched a woman in five years, Skylar.”

  I covered my mouth. “Oh my God.”

  “I haven’t wanted any other woman, not even for sex. I’d throw myself into work or my son and just try not to think about you. Now that I’m around you again, it’s like my body’s come alive all of a sudden. I have these urges. I feel out of control, and I don’t know what to do with all of it. The fact that I know you’re off limits makes it even worse. I’m sorry. You said you wanted honesty. Sometimes, the truth is ugly.”

  My phone was in the center console when it rang. Mitch looked down at it then handed it to me. “It’s Kevin. You’d better take it.”

  He opened the car door and slammed it shut, leaning his back against the window. My heart was breaking because I knew how hard it must have been to admit what he just did. I was still in shock.

  I let the phone go to voicemail and then texted Kevin.

  I’ll call you back in a few.

  I felt guilty, but I couldn’t take the call right now. I exited the car and stood beside him.

  Mitch wasn’t looking at me. “What did he have to say?”

  “I didn’t take it. I sent him a text that I’d call him back.”

  He let out a single laugh that seemed bitter and looked up at the sky. It was a clear night as we stood against his car gazing at the stars.

  We said nothing for several minutes until he faced me. “You weren’t the only one who was devastated.” Then, he turned around, got into the car and rolled down the window.

  I leaned in. “Where does this leave us?”

  He reached out and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. “That’s for you to decide. I guess you need to figure out whether or not you’re happy first, since you don’t seem to know. Here’s a hint: if you happen to see my face the next time he takes you to bed, chances are good, you’re not happy. If I were the one fucking you, I can guarantee you wouldn’t have to think twice.”

  He started the engine and put the car in drive. “Good night, Skylar.”

  I stood there dazed and confused. Aroused. “Bye.”

  That night, I got under my covers and replayed those words over and over again.

  “If I were the one fucking you…”

  My fingers circled my clit as I gave myself an intense orgasm while I imagined him doing just that.

  CHAPTER 23

  MITCH

  “I messed up, Dave.”

  Davey handed me the capicola sandwich he brought from the local deli. He had come down to the work site to have lunch with me. My company was leading the construction of a new shopping center in town. It was one of our biggest projects to date.

  “You’d better figure out the problem before that thing comes crumbling down.”

  “No, not with the building. With…Skylar.”

  “Skylar? You’ve been in touch with her?”

  “She hasn’t said anything to you?”

  “No. We haven’t even gotten together since she’s been back. How the hell did this happen?”

  “It’s kind of a long story. I never told you, but I started stalking her a few months back.”

  “What the fuck, Mitch…”

  “It’s not as bad as it sounds. Long story short…she caught me one night. Instead of calling the police or freaking out, she invited me in, and we’ve hung out a couple of times. She’s met Henry.”

  “You’re playing with fire. You know that, right?”

  “You knew she was engaged?”

  Davey hesitated. “She told me a while ago. I didn’t tell you.”

  “Why not?”

  “Oh—I don’t know—because when it comes to her, you’re a little unstable? I thought maybe you’d do something rash…like stalk her or something.”

  “Alright…point taken. Anyway, we went to Bev’s last week. I was trying to play it cool, act like we were friends again.”

  Davey took a sip of his soda and pointed it at me. “I’m sure you did a great job,” he said sarcastically.

  “Everything went according to plan until we stopped by my house after, and she met Henry.”

  “I’m surprised she went for that.”

  “Me, too. She was really sweet with him, and he was actually interacting with her. All of a sudden, I just started to see the three of us together.”

  “Meaning you, her and Kevin, right? Because you do realize she’s about to marry him?”

  “Just let me finish.”

  “Okay.”

  “After I drove her home, I lost it.”

  “Nooo…really?”

  “I told her how I felt and how there hasn’t been anyone else.”

  “Please don’t tell me you told her you’re a virgin.”

  “I’m not a fucking virgin.”

  “Five years with no sex has got to qualify you for some kind of reestablishment of that title. What’s the opposite of vaginal rejuvenation?”

  “Can you be serious for one friggin’ second?” I rolled my eyes. “I did tell her that I hadn’t been with anyone.”

  “That was dumb, but I have a feeling there’s even more to this.”

  “I also told her I didn’t think she was happy with him, especially if at any point she saw my face while fucking him.”

  “Wow. That was graceful.”

  “Well, yeah…so that’s my problem. I have a feeling I scared her away.”

  “Dude, that was premature e
jaculation at its best.”

  “What?”

  “No pun intended, but you blew your load way too fast.”

  “My load?”

  “Yes. It’s not that you shouldn’t have told her how you felt. You just need to stick to a timeline and do it incrementally. Take a hint from your son. I bet Henry charmed the pants off of her, right?”

  “Yeah…actually, he did. He didn’t have to say anything at all and just connected with her.”

  “Sometimes, less is more. You need to control your words and your emotions at this early stage in the game.”

  “I couldn’t help it, Davey. She’s not happy with this guy, and I still love her.”

  “I know you do, man. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that. I just don’t want to see you get your hopes up and then be crushed if she ends up going through with the marriage.”

  “You don’t think I stand a chance, do you?” I bit angrily down at my sandwich even though I had lost my appetite.

  Davey shouted through the sound of drilling behind us, “You just have to understand that her meeting Henry and bonding with him for a few minutes doesn’t necessarily mean she’s gonna be able to put the past five years aside and be his mother all of a sudden. That girl wouldn’t even let me mention your name a year ago. This guy she’s with…he’s solid. Zena and I met up with them while we were down in D.C. once. I’m not saying she doesn’t love you, but there are other people involved in this situation. There are a lot of obstacles, but —”

  “Whose fucking side are you on?” I said with my mouth full.

  “Let me finish. There are a lot of obstacles…but I’ll brainstorm, alright? I’ll do whatever it takes to help you get her back. As much as I’ve always busted your balls when it came to her over the years…you two were meant to be together.”

  “You’ll help me come up with a plan?”

  “Yeah. At some point, we need to get her away from him for a little while in the right venue. I don’t know exactly how to do that.”

  “What are you talking about? Kidnapping her?”

  “Not exactly. Don’t get excited.”

  “He goes away every other week on business for a couple nights.”