by Emily Mayer
“I can’t believe how much I’m going to miss you, Hank Williams.”
Together Hank and I marched down the stairs like we were going to our own funerals. Even the smells wafting from the kitchen weren’t enough to improve my mood. I stopped just inside the room, observing the flurry of activity in front of me. Food was spread out across the breakfast bar, buffet-style, and wine glasses stood empty at one end next to a pitcher of orange juice. Jack, Cole, and Sam were seated around the table talking, empty plates in front of them. Ben was standing next to Mary, scraping eggs onto a serving dish.
Mary’s eyes were red when they found mine, just as Gabe walked in holding a bottle of champagne. He made a beeline toward me, wrapping me in a hug despite the bottle of champagne pressing into my back.
“You look like shit.” He gave me a one-dimple smile. God, I was going to miss him. And those dimples.
“I’m going to forgive you because you have a bottle in your hand that I’m pretty interested in.”
“Oh, this?” He waved the bottle in front of me. “I was told mimosas were all the rage with the basic bi—brunch crowd.”
“You heard right.” I threw my arms around him for another hug. “Thank you.”
He squeezed me back. “If you start crying, I’m not giving you any of this.”
I laughed, grateful for the comedic relief, since this moment was definitely headed toward tears. We made our way to the glasses and pitchers with only the occasional sniffle from me. Gabe uncorked the bottle and poured a generous amount of champagne in a glass. Just before the orange juice hit the bubbles, the front door burst open and Letty’s voice called out to announce her arrival. Margot’s laughter drifted through the open door, followed by two familiar voices I hadn’t expected.
Katie and Seth, covered dishes in hand, walked into the room. “Surprise!” Katie set her dish on the counter and pulled me into a hug. “We couldn’t let you and Ben leave without saying goodbye.”
“Thank you.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’m going to miss you all so much.”
Katie gave me a final squeeze, speaking so low I could barely hear her words. “You won’t be gone long enough to miss us.”
Gabe shoved two mimosas into our hands. “Just take a drink of this every time you feel like crying. It’ll be like a drinking game.”
I scrunched my nose, eyeing the glass that looked like a whole lot of champagne with just a hint of orange juice. “I’ll be drunk in ten minutes if I drink this that fast.”
“That’s the idea.” He clinked his glass with mine. “Bottoms up, ladies.”
A strong arm wrapped around my waist. “You doing okay?”
Jack pressed a kiss to the side of my head, concerned eyes searching mine.
“Yep.” I gave him what could pass as a cheap imitation of a smile. “Let’s get something to eat.”
47.
I managed to get through the rest of breakfast without tears. The food was beyond amazing, as always, and the company made being sad impossible. It wasn’t until the last dish had been cleared and Katie and Seth had said their goodbyes that the full realization that I was leaving soon—so soon—barreled into me like a summer storm, fast and without warning.
I slipped onto the porch, hoping for a second alone to pull myself together. I sat in the swing, pushing off with my feet, and looked out over Pinehaven. The red barns, looking like they belonged on a postcard, stood out against the green of the fields and the bright blue of a perfect fall sky. I closed my eyes, breathing in the cool air and listening to all the noises that had seemed so foreign but now sounded like home. Warm tears ran down my cheeks.
Notes of laughter and conversation from inside drifted through the air around me, reminding me that it wasn’t just the beautiful scenery I would miss. At the soft thud of the door closing, I opened my eyes with a sigh. I was an endless parade of sighs and tears today. Jack took the spot next to me without saying a word, his arm stretched across my shoulders. I leaned into him, resting my head on that spot between his neck and shoulder that was made for these moments.
We stayed that way until the gentle sway of the swing had soothed away the last of my tears. I was too much of a chicken to admit I was terrified that as soon as I stepped onto the plane, some type of spell would be broken and I would turn back into a pumpkin. Part of me—the part that still believed there was no way this man could possibly love an ordinary, slightly rounded pumpkin—worried that he would forget about me after a couple of days. I worried that there was no way he could love me enough, not as much as I loved him. If the things I whispered to myself were true, I would have no reason to come back to Pinehaven again. And that thought was what broke my heart the most.
“You ready to see Photo and King?” Jack interrupted my depressing train of thought, his voice sounding a little hoarse.
I peered up at him, taking in brown eyes that looked suspiciously shiny.
“I’m ready,” I lied.
I would never, ever be ready.
We walked the short distance to the stable, hand in hand. I let go of his hand to offer Photo an apple slice, the other hand stroking her neck.
“Thank you for being so patient with me. I’m going to miss our rides so, so much. Don’t forget me, okay?”
She let out a soft huff of breath, nudging my now-empty hand with her nose. I pressed a kiss to her cheek. I turned, wiping a palm across damp skin.
“Sorry, I can’t stop crying. I feel so stupid. I just can’t stop.”
Jack gathered me into his arms before the last word was out of my mouth. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Evie. This is just a goodbye for now, just a ‘see you later’—you know that, right?”
I nodded into his chest, fully aware that I was leaving wet spots on his shirt.
“Good, because I will fly to Chicago and drag you back here if I have to. I’m not letting you go. No one else will put up with this miserable bastard.”
I laughed. “You’re right. Thank God you look so good in jeans.”
It was his turn to laugh. “Glad to know I have some redeeming qualities.”
His hand slipped down into mine, his long fingers weaving through my smaller ones. The rough pad of his thumb stroked back and forth over my knuckles.
“One more stop.” Every word was dipped in the same sympathy that shone from his eyes.
“One more stop,” I echoed, sounding like someone facing the gallows, not a flight back to Chicago. I promised myself this wouldn’t be the last time. I told that voice inside my head to be quiet. I forced myself to believe Jack’s threat was the truth as we unlatched the gate and stepped into King’s paddock together, something that would have been unfathomable a week earlier.
I waited for King to come to me, confident that he would, because we had done this same dance for over a week now. Sure enough, King stopped munching on the grass at the far corner of his enclosure and made his way over to me after hearing the metal clinking of the gate. I watched him walk the short distance, amazed at the transformation. His coat was starting to grow back a healthy shade of black, and he had put on so much weight. It was the lack of hesitation as he came to stand in front of us that did me in, though. He was no longer the scared, broken creature he had been the first day I’d seen him standing in the corner, looking as lost as I’d felt.
Jack’s hand slid into mine and gave it a light squeeze, a reminder that he was here, before releasing it. I trailed my hands over the smooth hair at King’s neck and then brought my arms around him in the best embrace I could manage. His strong muscles tensed for a minute, but relaxed after a few seconds. I was always pushing this poor horse, and he was always giving in to me. I pressed a kiss to that soft hair.
“Today’s the day. I’m leaving, going back to Chicago. I’m going to miss you so much. I wanted to say…” I swallowed down the tears, taking a shaky breath. “I wanted to say thank you. You made me brave. We made each other brave.”
I felt him turn his nec
k and snort out a breath that blew through my hair. One of Jack’s hands made a soothing path up and down my back while he spoke reassurances to us both.
“Don’t worry, buddy. She’ll be back.” His words were meant as much for me as for the horse who was just learning to trust him.
“I’ll be back. I’ll be back,” I chanted into his neck, like saying it could make it true. “Jack is going to take good care of you until then.”
I released King and took a step back, taking him in through watery eyes. Waves of hysteria were trying to claw their way out of me. I fought against the surge of emotion and turned to make my way out of the enclosure, aware of Jack following my retreat. As soon as the gate was latched, Jack pulled me into his arms.
“I don’t know why I’m so sad,” I mumbled into his chest. “I'm not usually this much of a wreck, I swear.”
“It’s okay. I’m not happy about you leaving either.” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “I’m going to miss you so damn much.”
We held onto each other for a few more seconds, then made our way to the goat pen, where I proceeded to hug each one. Without tears—it was almost impossible to be sad around tiny goats. By the time we made our way back to the house, our luggage was stacked next to the truck, signaling it was time to leave, and for my tears to return.
Gabe walked through the door and gave me a sad grin as he came down the stairs. He shoved his hands into his pockets, looking more unsure than I had ever seen him.
“So this is it, huh? Goodbyes aren’t really my thing, so go easy on me.” He cleared his throat as if he was trying to find more words.
My arms were around him, trapping his arms to his side. “You’re basically my best friend. I’m going to miss you so much. Promise me you’ll text me, okay? Or at least respond to my texts. Promise me, Gabe?”
“Jesus, Jack, control your woman.” Gabe struggled to free his arms from where I had them trapped. Jack just patted him on the back, walking past us into the house. “I promise, Evie. I’m not going to ghost you. I can’t breathe. You’re surprisingly strong for someone half the size of a normal person.”
I laughed through my tears, a watery noise that sounded a little more sad than happy. “I’m a normal height.”
“Sure you are. Oh God, are you crying?” he groaned, giving me an awkward pat on the back. “Come on, now, you know you’ll be seeing us all again. Do you think I’d work that hard getting you two to pull your heads out of your own asses just to watch you both throw it all away?”
“What?” I loosened my grip to look up at him, fully aware that snot and tears were making a home on my face.
“Evie, Evie, Evie. Do you think I agreed to give you riding lessons in exchange for helping out around here for my own health? ’Cause I can guarantee you that watching you try to use a wheelbarrow shaved a solid five years off my life.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I wrinkled my brow in confusion.
“Of course you don’t.” He gave his head a slow shake, like he was trying to explain long division to a baby. “I knew Jack had a thing for you but was trying not to, just like I knew you belonged here. You both just needed a shove in the right direction.”
Pieces of the puzzle came together, and my head jerked back in surprise and my tear-soaked eyes regarded him in a new light. “Is that what you were talking to Cole about the day I asked you to give me lessons?"
He nodded, looking pretty pleased with himself. “I knew that if Jack could see how well you fit in, he would eventually stop fighting himself on this. And it was pretty obvious you fit in here.”
“How could you possibly know all that? I’m the opposite of every woman Jack’s ever been with.” I couldn’t keep the skepticism out of my voice.
“I know, Evie. That’s how I knew. All those other girls didn’t have any staying power. They were just temporary. You’ve got staying power in spades, babe. Don’t ever doubt it.”
“How’d you get so smart?” I was genuinely in awe of this man, who really saw the people around him and quietly plotted to help them.
“Aunt Evie, I made you something!” Letty’s voice called out, followed by the sound of the door slamming.
I squatted to meet her, reaching out my hand to receive the paper she was waving in front of her.
“Look.” She smiled at me, pointing to the paper, filled with lots of unidentifiable shapes. “This is Daddy. This is Mommy. And this is me!”
“Oh wow, Letty, this is beautiful!” I gushed, smiling genuinely. “Thank you so much! I’m going to hang this up as soon as I get home.”
“You can look at it if you’re missing us and then you won’t be so sad.” Her little voice was so filled with concern that it made my heart swell in my chest.
Margot and Cole were waiting for me when I stood up. Margot’s eyes were red.
“I know this is stupid but I can’t help it.” She wiped under her eyes. “I’m blaming the hormones.”
“I can’t stop crying, and I have no excuse.” I gave her a quick squeeze. “I’m really going to miss you all.”
“We got you something.” Cole held up a forest green crewneck sweater, with the word Pinehaven stretched across the middle and the ranch’s logo below it. “You’re officially a ranch hand now.”
“Does this mean I don’t have to muck out stalls anymore?” I never did get the hang of wheelbarrows, and the smell of horse poop was on the short list of things I would not miss.
“Not a chance.” Cole laughed, handing me the sweater.
“You ready, Evelyn?” Ben walked out the door, followed by Mary and Jack.
“Yep,” I lied, clutching the sweater to my chest, careful not to crinkle Letty’s drawing.
The luggage was loaded into the truck, and there was nothing left to do. No more goodbyes to say. We drove to the tiny airport in silence. My eyes ate up the scenery when they weren’t sneaking glimpses of Jack. The trip seemed so much quicker than last time.
Ben hugged his mom goodbye, promising not to stay away so long this time. She reminded him that Thanksgiving was still mandatory. He moved to Jack next, and gave him a man-hug complete with lots of back-patting. I watched him hop up the plane stairs before I turned to Mary.
“Thank you for everything, Mary. I really enjoyed my visit and your cooking.”
She pulled me into her arms. “You take of yourself, sweetheart.” She gave my cheek an affectionate pat. “We’ll see you soon.” She gave me a knowing smile, then walked back to the truck, leaving me and Jack alone.
I didn’t know how to do this. I didn’t know how to leave him. I would have laughed at the absurdity of that knowledge if I wasn’t so unbelievably sad. My foot bounced on the ground as Jack’s hands cupped my face, gently tipping my head up. His eyes ate up my face like it was his last meal, and then his mouth was on mine. His lips moved against mine hungrily, and then he was gone.
I watched him walk away without another word. I watched him until he was standing beside Mary, and then I boarded the plane that would take me back to the real world.
48.
I slipped back into my old routine, my city routine, pretty easily. It helped that Jack had sent me the first of many text messages while we were still on the plane. As soon as we landed, I had turned airplane mode off, and found a text message from him reminding me to let him know when I got home safely and that he loved me. It eased that tight knot of dread that had formed in my chest somewhere between Montana and Illinois.
My initial excitement about being back in the city had faded by the end of the weekend. I really tried to muster up some enthusiasm about all the things I had loved before Pine Hollow, Montana, had turned my world upside down. A sentence I’d never thought I would utter.
Everything felt a little hollow since I’d returned. Well, everything but the availability of coffee shops and the food delivery situation. Pizza being delivered to my doorstep was never going to get old.
By Monday morning, I was ready to go
back to work just so I didn’t have to sit in my empty apartment all day looking at pictures from Pinehaven. Anna and Hilari were waiting at my desk with a latte, and a flower arrangement was sitting on my desk, making it look more inviting.
“Evelyn! We’re so glad you’re back.” Hilari handed me the latte.
“Girl, we have so much catching up to do.” Anna sat down on the edge of my desk, like we were going to start right now.
“Thanks, guys, this was so nice.” I motioned to the flowers with the latte. “We should get dinner tonight. Are you free?”
“We are not responsible for the flowers. Those were here when we got in. I think there’s a card though. It’s probably a thank-you from all the other executives for keeping Ben out of trouble.” Anna reached for the card, handing it to me. “And I’m definitely in for dinner.”
“Same,” Hilari added. “What are you in the mood for? Any place you’ve been missing since you left?”
The list of restaurants I missed was actually pretty long. I had to put dining on the list of pros for Chicago. That list consisted of mostly food-related items—no surprise there—and my two friends. It was a really depressing list.
“Sushi.” I settled on the least likely item to be had in Montana. “I missed sushi.”
We made plans for dinner, and then they headed back to their own desks. I opened the card and smiled when I saw who the flowers were from.
Have a good first day back. Love you. Jack.
I pulled my phone out and thumbed through the text messages to the one with Jack. I already had one from Corinne and my mom wishing me a good first day back.