The Other Name

by Jon Fosse

  Should we go? she says

  and Father nods and quietly says yes and then Father stays where he is

  All right, let’s go, Mother says

  and he sees Mother and his sister Alida start walking behind the others but a long way behind them while Grandmother stays where she is, and then Father shakes his head and I’m lying in my bed at The Country Inn, Room 407, and I can’t get to sleep I see Asle lying there and his body is trembling, shaking, jerking up and down, he’s shaking all over and The Doctor says it’s bad but they can’t do anything more for him now, they’ve given him as much medicine as they can, they can’t give him any more, The Doctor says, and then both The Doctor and The Nurse leave the room and I’m lying in bed at The Country Inn and I can’t sleep and I see Father and Asle go over to Mother and Sister who are standing waiting for them and Asle thinks his sister’s name is Alida, there aren’t many other people named that, he tries to just think about that, his not knowing anyone else named Alida besides his sister, he thinks, his sister Alida, yes, Asle thinks and then his Grandmother puts her hand under Father’s arm and then Father and Asle and Grandmother and Sister and Mother walk away together after the others and I think that I need to get to sleep now, I can’t lie awake in bed at The Country Inn all night, I think and I see Asle sitting in an upstairs room in an outbuilding and he’s reading a book, and he’s sitting in a rowboat with Father and he’s sitting on a bus and he’s thinking that a friend of his is dead, he has just then heard the news, he’s sitting there and reading a book, and he’s lying in a bed and reading a book, he’s drawing, he’s painting, he’s walking down a street, he’s drinking beer and she’s naked and she’s lying there in bed and he doesn’t know what to do he puts his hands on her and he realizes he wants to lie down on her and he does it and he doesn’t dare enter her something is holding him back he doesn’t dare because just when he’s about to a fear comes over him and he pulls back and she just lies there and her name is Liv and he’s lying on top of her and then he’s sitting at a schooldesk and he’s standing there smoking rolling a cigarette books a teacher is saying something he asks the class drawing painting the other eleven students painting class girls boys smoking beer painting drinking beer talking and then just going there and waiting and then, finally, finally, he was born, finally he came out into this world into the light and Asle has become a father he is young very young but he’s become a father and his long brown hair and everyone else is so much better than him he’s worthless she just wants to be with the others with all of them all of the others and it’s over and he wants to lie down and sleep in the snow because it’s so far to walk and he’s so tired and so drunk he sees the stars shining clearly one star and then he and Father are in a rowboat his son they’re fishing books drawings paintings reading painting just painting just that and beer vodka that good rush the best nothing much at first and then better and better and he drinks and she says he mustn’t drink every night a little rush every night and he drinks paintings money no money sells pictures for money has no money exhibition exhibitions critics selling pictures tubes of oil paint canvas always oil paint and always canvas oil on canvas stretchers boards stretchers nails canvas her and the woman who comes and sits down at his table and they start talking and she’s seen his exhibitions home to her place lying next to each other kissing the woman one of his sons kissing her they take off their clothes he holds her tight they lie next to each other they talk go home she’s lying there his son is asleep go home she’s lying there she’s lying there on the floor she’s almost not breathing ambulance boy crying and crying howling ambulance he and his son she writes him a letter they meet kiss eat together he’s sitting and drinking and she comes and sits down exhibitions oil paint canvas stretchers need to find a place to live boards nowhere to stay pictures the others vodka feeling warm beer another pint talk about this and that laugh she comes and it’s Christmas lamb ribs summer her parents’ house the white house the silence and painting never stopping always continuing they can say whatever they want just continuing the dark eyes children several children paintings house he sits and drinks children paintings their house needs repainting pictures days nights can’t get to sleep and he lies there and he shakes up and down jerks trembling shaking and the man sitting there gets up and I sit there and I look at the picture, those two lines that cross and I see Åsleik standing there looking at the picture and he says St Andrew’s Cross, it’s a St Andrew’s Cross, Åsleik says, and that heavy stress he puts on the words, he’s so proud of knowing the term that he stresses it, a provincial pride, St Andrew’s Cross, this pride in knowing the term and there’s nothing more to do with the picture so I’ll just put it aside, but not yet, maybe I should paint over those two lines, maybe it can turn into a good picture if the cross disappears from the picture, if it becomes invisible, or almost invisible, if it’s turned into something way back behind the rest and I get up and I go over to the picture and then I pick it up off the easel and I put it back down on the easel and I think that I probably don’t actually want to put it in the stack of paintings leaning against the wall between the bedroom door and the hall door, the stack of pictures I’m still working on and am not yet done with, the one that my brown leather shoulderbag is hanging above, and I step a little bit away from the picture and I look at it, and it’s not totally terrible, but some paintings just aren’t there yet, but maybe this one can still get there? because it can take a long time for me to finish a painting sometimes, if I can ever finish it, because there’s something missing, but what? and that’s how it almost always is, I think, or if not always then very often, the picture is almost what it’s supposed to be, I’m almost there, but not quite, I’m close, so close, I think, but it’s too early to put the picture in the stack leaning against the wall with the stretchers facing out and I see the man sitting between the two beds stand up and he goes over to the bed where the other man is lying and he presses his fingers against his shoulder and the man is just lying there and he holds his hand in front of the man’s mouth and he feels for his pulse and he leaves the room and now I need to get to sleep soon, I don’t want to know what time it is, but I’m so restless, I don’t know what’s wrong, and anyway it’s a good thing I drove back into Bjørgvin and found Asle, he’s never sober now, actually for several years now he’s never been sober, not once, not really, in all these years, even if he says he only starts drinking in the evening or maybe late afternoon it’s been a long time since he wasn’t drunk, I’m sure of that, I think and I think that I’m going to get up soon and take a taxi to The Hospital and see Asle, tell him I’ll take care of his dog, Bragi, and then maybe I’ll buy something for him, or bring him something from his apartment, anything he needs or wants, maybe a book, and then I need to get his dog from Guro’s apartment, that was her name right? the woman who lives on The Lane, and she told me what number it was and I can’t think of it at the moment but I’m sure it’ll come to me, yes, Bragi, his dog, is there at the apartment of the woman I ran into, who makes a living doing Hardanger embroidery, she took the dog with her and so I need to go get the dog from her, and she lived at number 3, The Lane, or was it number 5? it was on The Lane anyway, and it’s probably morning now, I think, anyway I’m awake, and it was around ten o’clock that I was supposed to go pick up the dog but I could also go by earlier, or I could go by later, however it works out, yes, that’s what we arranged, something like that, I don’t remember it too clearly, but she did live in The Lane, I remember that much for sure, and first I need to take a taxi to The Hospital and see Asle and I need to tell him that I’m looking after his dog, Bragi, while he’s in The Hospital, so he doesn’t need to worry about the dog, I have to tell him that, I think, and I can bring him anything he might want, from his apartment, or go buy what he wants, because there, in The Hospital, he probably can’t paint but he could sketch or draw, but he doesn’t like to draw, he’s always said that, drawing was never for him, he said, always that, he’s always said that he’
s a painter, not a draughtsman, for him what matters is oil paint on canvas, nothing else, and he doesn’t know why but that’s how it has to be, oil on canvas, still he always keeps a sketch-pad and pencil with him in the brown leather shoulderbag he always carries with him, so he can sketch down something that might turn into a painting later, yes, I know that, I think, but I don’t understand why I’m so restless, I can’t get to sleep and I can’t get up either, but why? what should I do? or is it tomorrow already? did I sleep at all? or just doze off in a kind of half-sleep and dream or half-dream? I think, and since this trip happened so suddenly I didn’t bring anything with me, not even a toothbrush and toothpaste, no change of clothes of course, and even if I have a sketch-pad and pencil in my shoulderbag I don’t feel like sketching anything now, because what would it be? I think, and I didn’t bring a book, I read a lot, and recently I most often read around in The Bible, a little of one part and then a little of another part, yes, I used to read through the whole Bible but now I jump around at random and read a little from whatever page I happen to open to, but I don’t feel like reading in the Bible that’s sitting on the nightstand there, if I’m going to read in The Bible I want to read in my own Bible, for whatever reason, and I consider myself a believer, yes, a Christian, yes, I’ve even converted to Catholicism, but I can’t believe in a God as vengeful as the God of the Old Testament, who had children put to death and wiped out whole peoples, no, I can’t understand that, but that’s exactly why Jesus Christ came to earth, as the New Testament tells us, isn’t it? he came to earth to proclaim that God is no longer a vengeful God, but a God of love, a merciful God, yes, to proclaim that God is now a benevolent God and not one of vengeance and punishment and destruction, that now he is a God of love for all people, and not just Israel’s God, yes, that’s how it had to be, that the old vengeful God took his own life in and with and through Jesus Christ’s death on the cross? I think, even if it’s the same God, because it’s only we human beings who have long misunderstood his will, what his kingdom really is, I think, because there’s also a lot that’s beautiful and wise in the Old Testament, it’s not that, and things in the Old Testament point ahead to what happens in the New Testament, or at least it can be read that way, if you want to, but, as they always say, what stands written in the Old Testament has to be understood in the light of Jesus Christ, of God become man, who gave himself to mankind and let himself be crucified and killed, yes, changing the human condition and re-establishing the connection, the oneness between God and humanity that had existed before the Fall, which separated human beings from God, brought them into sin and death, yes, before the devil, Satan, came to rule over this world, as stands written, yes, before the great breaking point when humanity, or Adam, tempted by Eve, as stands written, abandoned their oneness with God and gave themselves over to sin which spread through the world more and more, yes, God still understands people who sin, he was human too and he took his own life, or let people take it, and then he was the good God he’d always been when he rose up from the dead as Jesus Christ and left this earth, as God and man, undivided and whole, so that it would be possible for all people to do the same thing, since sin and death rule this world, it’s like it’s in the devil’s power, God became human and died and rose again so that everyone who died, or who had died, could afterwards live in God, because he, the Son of Man, made it so that humanity and God were joined together as one again, in God’s kingdom, which already exists, God’s kingdom exists in every moment, in the eternity that’s in every now, but do I believe that? do I actually believe in its reality? is it even possible to believe something like this? in this foolishness we’re proclaiming, as Paul wrote, yes, that stands written, no, I probably don’t, no one can believe something like that, it goes against all wisdom and understanding, because either God is all-powerful and then there’s no free will, or God isn’t all-powerful and there is free will, within limits, but in that case God is not all-powerful, so ever since God gave humanity free will he gave up his omnipotence, something like that must be true, because without a will that’s free there can’t be love, and God is love, that’s the only thing that is said of God in the New Testament, and that’s why God lacks divine omnipotence, he has God’s weakness, impotence even, but there’s a lot of strength in weakness, yes, maybe the weakness is itself a strength? and it’s possible that God is all-powerful in his weakness and that there is free will, even if it’s impossible to think that, because there are so many things that a person can’t think, for instance that space goes on forever, and the strange thing is that it’s possible to believe in the Christian message anyway, in the gospels, strangely enough you can because as soon as you start to believe it you believe it, the belief comes by itself, yes, it’s like God’s wordless nearness, or maybe like your angel, I think, and I am one of the people who believe, or rather one of the people who know, without knowing why, no, I can’t say why, not about the whole thing and not even partly, because belief, or insight, knowledge, yes knowing is what I’d prefer to call it, is something that a person suddenly and mysteriously understands is the truth, and this truth has never been said the way it is, and it can never be said because it isn’t words, it’s The Word, it’s what’s behind all words and what makes words, makes language, makes meaning possible, and maybe it can be shown but it can’t be said, yes, that’s how it is, and a faith like that, an insight, a knowing like that is a grace that some people receive, but the grace, the knowledge, that these people are given can extend to cover even the people who haven’t themselves been given it, yes, or don’t even know it exists, the mercy embraces all of humanity, I think and I think that even just that isn’t a very clear thought, if you can even call it a thought at all, I think, it’s like a thought in a dream, I think, and I don’t want to go to mass any more, because it’s all just lies, I think, and I don’t want to read from the Bible any more, I’ve done it enough, and especially not the Bible sitting on the nightstand, it annoys me, it’s sitting there like it’s staring at me, like it wants something from me, and plus it’s so ugly to look at, that cover with a bouquet of flowers, it’s a totally undignified Bible, I’ve never understood why almost every single hotel has to have a Bible sitting on the nightstand in every room, I think and now I want to sleep, just sleep, I am so tired so tired and maybe I’m dozing off a little, maybe I’m not, and I think that the first thing I’ll do in the morning is eat a nice big breakfast, because they always have such good breakfast at The Country Inn, fresh-baked bread, the most wonderful scrambled eggs in a big bowl, and thin slices of bacon in a big tray with a curved metal lid, and you slide the lid back and out comes the most wonderful bacon, some pieces are crispy, some are just warm and soft, it all tastes amazing and I always take a lot of bacon and a lot of scrambled eggs and then I cut one or two thick soft fresh slices of bread for myself and find a table by a window, as long as there’s one free, because I like to sit by the window and look out at The Wharf and down to The Bay, at the boats lying moored there, and then I get two glasses of water and then a big mug of coffee with milk and then I sit there and enjoy the best meal of the day, and maybe I get a newspaper, I often do, but not always, because more often than not reading what’s in the paper only annoys me, and that’s why I don’t subscribe to any newspapers because I disagree with almost everything they say, yes, almost always, and especially what they say about art, for instance the man who writes about art for The Bjørgvin Times doesn’t understand a thing about art, it’s hardly possible to have any less understanding for art than he has, and yet a newspaper for some incomprehensible reason has him write about art, it’s a mystery, he has hardly a single nice word to say about my shows, that is if they’re discussed or mentioned at all, usually they’re not even given a single word and now breakfast might be starting already, I think and I look at the clock and I see that it’s almost six and that’s when breakfast starts and I lie there in the bed and I’ve hardly slept a wink all night, or I guess I have been kind of asleep, a
s much as I’m going to be, and I probably might as well just get up and have breakfast, I think, and if Asle is better then maybe I can get him from The Hospital and then we can walk together to my car that’s parked in front of The Beyer Gallery, because Asle knows the way so we can go there, and then pick up the dog, Bragi, from The Lane, before I drive Asle and the dog back home to his apartment, yes, it was quite a coincidence wasn’t it, that the woman who makes her living sewing Hardanger embroidery and decorative bodices for folk costumes took Asle’s dog home with her and she lives on The Lane, at number 5 The Lane, or was it number 3? and it was outside number 3, The Lane, that I found Asle lying on a step covered in snow, wasn’t it? yes it was, and why just there? maybe he was going to see the woman who lives there? yes, Guro as she’s apparently called, yes, that might well be, because Asle was lying sort of up on the step and turned to face a front door, so maybe it was her, Guro, that he was going to see? no he was just on his way to The Alehouse, and then he just happened to slip and fall there, because anyway that’s where I was going, I think, but it’s probably better if I get his dog from The Lane first before heading to The Hospital, I think and I can’t get to sleep so I might as well get up, I think and did I sleep at all or just doze off? just lie there in a half-sleep? but I was gone a little, off in a sleep a little, a little in a dream, I think and then I realize that Ales is lying next to me and she’s lying there with her arms around me and I take the brown wooden cross that’s hanging at the bottom of the rosary, that I got from Ales once, I hold the cross between my thumb and index finger, and I think that maybe God doesn’t exist, no, obviously He doesn’t exist, He is, and if I were not then God wouldn’t exist, I think and I see before me what Meister Eckhart has written, that if humanity didn’t exist so wäre auch “Gott” nicht, daß Gott “Gott” ist, dafür bin ich die Ursache and wäre ich nicht, so wäre Gott nicht “Gott” and of course it’s like that, I think, and I see in my mind Pater noster Qui es in cælis Sanctificetur nomen tuum Adveniat regnum tuum Fiat voluntas tua sicut in cælo et in terra Panem nostrum cotidianum da nobis hodie et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris Et ne nos inducas in tentationem sed libera nos a malo and I move my thumb and index finger up to the first bead which is between the cross and the set of three beads on the rosary and I say to myself Our Father Who art in heaven Hallowed be thy name Thy kingdom come Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil and I move my thumb and finger up to the first bead in the set and I think I usually sleep if I either say the Jesus prayer or Ave Maria and then I see the words before me and I say I say inside me Ave Maria Gratia plena Dominus tecum Benedicta tu in mulieribus et benedictus fructus ventris tui Iesus Sancta Maria Mater Dei Ora pro nobis peccatoribus nunc et in hora mortis nostræ and I move my thumb and finger up to the second bead and I say inside myself Hail Mary Full of grace The Lord is with thee Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus Holy Mary Mother of God Pray for us sinners now and in the hour of our death and I move my thumb and finger up to the third bead and I say inside myself Ave Maria Gratia plena Dominus tecum Benedicta tu in mulieribus et benedictus fructus ventris tui Iesus Sancta Maria Mater Dei ora pro nobis peccatoribus nunc et in hora mortis nostræ