Better Off Divorced

by Marianne Hansen

  June was wearing a black shirt with a sequined disco ball in the middle. She had on jeans and a pair of Chuck Taylors. I would put her somewhere in her late fifties, but she pulled off the look better than I could. I think her black, tight curly hair tied everything together. She reminded me of a K-Mart blue-light special shopper. For some reason, this gave me the feeling she was an amazing DJ.

  Selena Gomez was playing. I swayed to the music while I looked around for Simon. He was standing next to the drinks listening to one of my former students talk about something exuberantly. At least her arm gestures were leading me to believe it was something very intense. I hurried over to him.

  “Then I walked over to Ted, and he told me he hadn’t sent me the roses and he had never sent me roses nor would he ever send me roses, so I should just leave his wife alone. Can you believe that? He denied the whole thing to my face.” She shook her head back and forth and sipped from her drink.

  Simon took a step back and sniffed what was in his cup. I smiled at him and raised my eyebrows. He smiled back and shook his head. He looked at the woman. “Are you drinking some of this punch,” he looked at her nametag, “Barb? Or did you bring some of your own?”

  “Oh, you,” she said, and hit his shoulder. She squinted at him. “Weren’t you a social studies teacher when I was here?”

  “No,” Simon said.

  I walked over next to him to let Barb know someone else was involved in this conversation now. She ignored me.

  “Then it was math. Don’t try to tell me you didn’t teach me geometry. I never forget a face.”

  “Fine,” Simon said.

  “You taught math?” Barb asked.

  “I won't tell you I didn’t,” Simon said.

  I put my hand out for Barb to shake. “I’m Ms. Harper, Barb.” I pointed to my name tag. “Did you have me for English?” I was almost certain she hadn’t. I wanted to see if she remembered or if she was hitting on Simon.

  She squinted at me and then at my name tag. “I don’t remember you.” She turned back to Simon and looked at his chest. “Why don’t you have a name tag?”

  “I’m just the hired help,” he said. “Ms. Harper has asked that I not wear a name tag. She’s probably about to yell at me for even talking to a guest.” He looked at me, winked, and then looked at the floor. “I’m sorry, Ms. Harper. I bet you need to talk to me in private for a while and let me know what my responsibilities are this evening.”

  I cleared my throat. “Yes. The conversation we had on the way over here obviously did not work.”

  “You gave the waiter a ride?” Barb asked.

  Simon leaned toward her ear and loudly whispered, “I’m not that kind of hired help.”

  He quickly turned away, and we walked through the door to the cafeteria. I had barely made it through when I started to laugh. He turned me around, pushed me up to wall and kissed me.

  “What was that for?” I asked.

  “Partially for getting me away from that woman and partially because I want to earn my pay.”

  I kissed him back. We started to enjoy the corner behind the cafeteria door when Rebecca walked in. She saw us and froze.

  Simon and I separated, but we kept an arm around each other. “Were you looking for me?” I asked.

  “Actually, I was looking for a place to hide.” She looked around. “I guess we can’t all hide in here, can we?”

  “Who are you hiding from?” Simon asked. His hand lowered onto my backside.

  “Justin’s here.”

  “Was Justin your first kiss?” I asked. Her face reddened and she shifted from foot to foot. “I thought you didn’t really connect?”

  “It was a long time ago, and we didn’t date. We just hung out and hung out at prom. We lost touch after graduation. Do you think less of me?”

  “I work with hormonal teenagers every day.”

  “I’m totally fine about the whole thing.” She ran her hand through her hair. “Honestly. It’s just that I shouldn't have gotten June and remembered our Senior prom and tried to relive that night. Things didn’t seem so complicated then.”

  “I thought you both went to the dance with different people,” I said. “That sounds complicated.”

  Rebecca looked around the room and then swept up some imaginary crumbs with her hand. “Our dates got together first. We watched them walk out on us and then Justin turned to me, shrugged his shoulder, and asked me to dance. I foolishly told him it had been my goal to be kissed that night. He told me I should aim higher than the guy who brought me. When I asked him how high I should aim, he kissed me. He was a really good kisser at eighteen.”

  “Huh,” I said. I wasn’t sure where my loyalty should lie.

  “Do you think he’s gotten any better?” Simon asked. He obviously didn’t feel any loyalty to Aidan. “Or do you think he peaked at eighteen?”

  Rebecca’s cheeks turned a deep red. “How bad would it be if it were to happen again?”

  “Why would it be a bad thing?” Simon asked.

  “There’s an Aidan,” I said. “And he isn’t walking out with Justin’s date.”

  “But he isn’t here?” Simon asked.

  Rebecca shook her head.

  “Are you engaged?”

  Rebecca shook her head again.

  “But you’re exclusive,” I said.

  Rebecca nodded.

  Simon thought for a minute. “Did you have specific conversation where you said you wouldn’t date anyone else?”

  She thought for a moment. “I don’t think so in so many words. But we have talked about marriage. Normally you don’t do that with someone you’re casually dating.”

  Simon nodded slowly. “Did you have a specific conversation where you said you wouldn’t relive your Senior prom by kissing a guy you ended up with because your original date wasn't there?”

  I looked at him out of the corner of my eye.

  She shook her head slowly.

  He raised his hand in a sweeping gesture as if this made all the difference. “You should be specific in cases like this.”

  “How in the world could Aidan know he needed to be specific about a guy he didn’t know about and a kiss he probably doesn’t want to know about?”

  “Relationships are difficult,” Simon said.

  “Should we be having any specific conversations like that?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “I’m head over heels for you. I haven’t thought about kissing anyone else since I met you.”

  “I doubt that,” I said. “I saw you watching Wonder Woman.”

  He held his hands up as if to surrender. “Okay. You’re right. I may have thought about it, but not for more than a split second.”

  I kissed him on the cheek.

  “Plus,” he said with a sly smile, “there’s that unpaid-for diamond on your hand still. There’s no way you’d give that back if I kissed Wonder Woman.”

  I patted his cheek. “All this and brains too.”

  24

  Simon and I walked Rebecca back out onto the dance floor. I looked over at the sandwich buffet. It still looked decently full, but I knew I’d need to go and tidy the table soon.

  Rebecca suddenly stopped and I ran into her back. I noticed Simon had stopped as well. I followed their line of sight and saw John walk in with James. John was wearing a tuxedo, and James was wearing his Spider-Man pajamas.

  “Isn’t that your ex?” Rebecca asked. “Was your ex a teacher? Why is James with him?”

  “I need to go do something,” Simon said. He turned around and headed back to the cafeteria. He pulled his cell out of his pocket as he walked through the door.

  I looked back over at John. James waved at me then headed to the food. I turned back to John but saw the side of Justin's head. Somehow, he’d appeared next to Rebecca. She smiled at him and laughed nervously. He grabbed her hand and asked her to dance. She studied my face, pulled her hand out of Justin’s, and grabbed mine.

  “Do you need me to ca
ll security?” she asked.

  I looked behind Justin’s confused face and saw John trying to look natural standing on a dance floor. He nodded at a couple of people, while avoiding eye contact with me. I looked back at the cafeteria door, but Simon didn’t walk back through.

  I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. Then I went into survival mode.

  “You two have fun. I'm going to be fine.” I patted Justin and Rebecca’s shoulders. Then I put both of my hands on Rebecca’s shoulders. “See what happens. This may answer all of the questions you have spinning around your head. I may be giving you the worst possible advice I could give, but my ex-husband just showed up with our youngest, my fiancé is in the kitchen, and I’m feeling like you couldn’t really make any worse decisions than I already have.”

  She put her hands-on my shoulders. We looked like we were planning an attack or how to win a two-on-two football game on Thanksgiving. “Are you going to be okay?” she asked, slowly.

  “Of course.”

  “I wouldn’t be if I were you.”

  I shrugged, not an easy feat when your hands are on someone’s shoulders and their hands are on yours.

  “Do you want me to go get Simon?”

  “Simon will be back in a second. He said he had to do something, and he’s not the type to run away. I am, but he’s not.”

  “There’s a back door in the kitchen you could run through.”

  “My son is here. I’m not going to run away with him here. John may be a fat-kidneyed boar-pig, but he knows what he’s doing when it comes to manipulation.” I squeezed her shoulders. “Now go have fun and figure out your whole entire life in the next hour.”

  She took her hands off my shoulders and grabbed Justin's hand. “We’re going to dance to this song because it’s U2, then we’re coming back to see what's going on.”

  I grabbed Justin’s bicep. “Are you dating or engaged to anyone?”

  His eyes enlarged. “No. No, I’m not,” he said, quickly. “I swear. Really.”

  I tightened my grip, then let him go. I smoothed the arm of his suit coat. “Okay. Go have fun, you two. I’m going to go hit someone. Just come and get me if I start to make a scene.” I took two steps and then turned back. “Unless I’m winning. Then just leave me be.”

  I walked to James and gave him a hug. “Why aren’t you at Mindy’s?”

  James took a bite out of the sandwich he made and shrugged. “Dad came by and said he wanted to take me on a ride and that I would be back soon to play with Mindy. Mindy’s mom tried to call but couldn’t get ahold of you. I said I’d go as long as we’d be back to watch Predatory Dinosaurs on National Geographic. He promised me we would be. Mindy’s mom told me to tell you to call and she’d come get me.” He swallowed and motioned for me to come closer. “I don’t think she really likes Dad very much, Mom. She said a bad word when she saw him.”

  I nodded and rubbed his head. “Dad has that effect on people. You can sit at that table there.” I pointed to the table nearest to us. There was one couple at it, but they looked benign. I thought I could glare them down if they caused any trouble. James nodded and put some chips on a plate and headed over to the table.

  “Can you get me a drink, Mom?”

  I walked to the end of the buffet and picked up a bottle of water and placed it next to James’s plate. He kept eating. I looked up and found John standing in the same place. He was trying to do the middle school shuffle now. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and tried to remember he’d been cute at some point in his life.

  As I walked over to him, I kept stretching my hands out to release stress. I inhaled through my nose and exhaled through my mouth. I repeated Namaste to myself a couple of times. I couldn’t remember what it meant but I knew it always ended yoga and yoga was supposed to be relaxing. And it kept me from saying bad words.

  By the time I got to John, I felt someone behind me. I looked back and saw Simon. He smiled at me and winked. “I’ve got your back,” he whispered.

  I leaned into Simon, and looked at John. “What the hell, John?”

  He feigned surprise. “What do you mean? I wanted to see how the decorations turned out.”

  “And James?”

  “I wanted to take my boy out for dinner.”

  “To a high school reunion you weren't invited to?”

  “I thought my invitation was understood because I was your spouse.”

  “Spouse? You haven’t been my spouse for a long time. In fact, you weren’t my spouse when I got my teaching certificate or at any time during my teaching career. Actually,” I said, tapping my finger on my chin as if I had to think about what I was about to say, “I think you owe me $2,000 in tuition payments.”

  John cleared his throat. “I’m fully paid up on child support.”

  “I’m not talking about child support. And I don’t think you are, actually.”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “You haven’t paid half of the boys extra-curricular activities fees since we divorced.”

  “Only for activities you didn’t ask my opinion.”

  "I don’t remember the judge saying anything about that.”

  "Why didn’t you take me back to court, then?”

  "Because I try very hard not to see your face.” A light hit the disco ball just right and I had to close my eyes.

  "What? You can’t even look at me now?”

  I turned slightly and opened my eyes again.

  He pulled on his jacket lapels. “I think I look pretty good in a tux.”

  “You’re not going to be cast as James Bond any time soon. Please go. I’ll get James back to Mindy’s. Just go.”

  “You can’t force me to go anywhere.”

  DJ June turned a strobe light on and I closed my eyes again. I could feel a headache developing behind my left eye. Bono stopped singing and Cher replaced him. I opened my eyes again and saw Justin and Rebecca walk toward us.

  “I think it's time for awards,” Rebecca said. “I need your help at the front of the room.” She took my hand and walked me to the stage. We had a small area set up next to DJ June. There was room for Rebecca, me and three other people. James waved at me while he got more chips. I wasn’t sure he should go back to Mindy’s tonight. He was going to be wired after all of those chips. I noticed a brownie on his plate as well.

  Rebecca turned on the microphone. She yelled at June to turn down the music. June cut the power abruptly, and the mic caught Rebecca clearing her throat.

  She slowly waved at the audience. “Hello Alumni! How is everyone tonight?”

  People cheered. Someone yelled, “Hammered.”

  “I hope everyone has enjoyed the lovely spread, and don't forget to vote for your favorite brownies on Yelp. Let’s give a round of applause to Cindy and Shallot Mountain Diner for helping with the food and for all the local bakeries for supplying the brownies.”

  Everyone clapped and a few whistled.

  “I also want to thank Ms. Harper for being the teacher advisor for this party.”

  About half the alumni clapped this time, but Simon and James whistled and yelled. I looked over. Simon was sitting next to James, eating chips off his plate. John was standing where I’d left him.

  “It’s time to re-evaluate the yearbook awards. We sent out a survey to all of you and received about a forty-five percent return. I have a feeling that’s about how many voted in the first place, so this should be a pretty accurate re-evaluation. I’d wanted to have a slide show of everyone but I got about a one percent answer with pictures so we’re just going to have to pretend we remember what everyone looked like. Plus, the reunion video didn't work well for Veronica Mars, so it’s just best to learn from her life.”

  June gave her a folder. She opened it and took out a piece of paper.

  “I thought we’d start with the ones we actually know the answers to. So number one. Most Likely to be Late to Graduation. Five years ago, Sam Swinton won. But who actually was late for graduation?”
<
br />   “Sally Winters,” someone yelled.

  “You’re right! Sally Winters, come up and claim your prize.” Rebecca handed me the folder. I opened it and took out a certificate for Sally. It said it was awarded by the Ministry of Finance from the Department of Motor Vehicles of Lincoln.

  “Where did you find these certificates?” I whispered.

  Rebecca shrugged. “They came off a website. I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t get sued from some organization.”

  Sally came up and hugged Rebecca. I handed her the certificate and shook her hand. She waved it around and then stepped down.

  “Next one up.” Rebecca glanced down at her sheet. “Most Likely to Be President.” She looked up. “So, five years ago, Tom Wilcox won. This year,” Rebecca checked her list again. She smiled. “Maggie Turner.”

  Everyone screamed and cheered as Maggie walked up and got her certificate. “I’d vote for you, Maggie.” A few people yelled out their agreement to that statement.

  Rebecca announced the winners for Best Smile, Most Likely to Be Your Boss, Best Photographer, and Biggest Flirts. Only the Worst Singer Award went to the same person.

  “Okay,” Rebecca said. “We are at my personal favorite award.”

  “Is it cuz you won it?” someone yelled out.

  Rebecca put her hand over her eyes and squinted out into the crowd. “Was that you, Mike? You should know better than that. I didn’t win any of these awards five years ago or this year. I’m in charge of this. There’s no way I’m going to be in it.” She snapped the paper straight. “Okay. So now we have Most Likely to Win the Lottery and Lose the Ticket.”

  People laughed around the room.

  “Five years ago, we had Charles ‘the champ’ Martin win or should I say lose this award. And now tonight, the winner for Most Likely to Win the Lottery and Lose the Ticket is…”

  “John Harper,” a voice from the back door yelled.

  Everyone turned and watched Trudy walk through the door.