by Leigh Landry
Anything except slipping on her T-shirt and jeans.
“You aren’t going to stay?” he asked.
Her eyes roamed over his body as she considered. “I shouldn’t.”
“I really think you should.” He patted the floor next to him.
Kelsey rolled her eyes and zipped her jeans. “Tempting, but I should get home.” She lowered herself to the floor beside him, fully dressed now, and kissed his cheek. “Like it or not, I’m going to be second-guessing this, and I’d rather not do that all night right beside you.”
It hurt him to his core, thinking she might second-guess their connection for one moment. To doubt what he felt so strongly. But he understood. She had every right to protect her heart and work this out for herself.
“Well, I’ll be here, not doubting this, if you change your mind and want to spend the night.”
She kissed him again, on the mouth this time. “Noted.”
And then she was gone. She took her notebook, her keys, and her phone, and she left him alone in the house that had always been too big for just him.
Maybe one day soon he could find a way to fill it.
The spare room had plenty of space for a drum set. They could put foam on the walls and rugs on the floor to buffer the sound. And there was plenty of room for that turtle of hers, too.
He lay back with his hands behind his head and elbows out to the sides and stared at the ceiling. A huge smile spread across his face as he closed his eyes and imagined Kelsey and her drums and her turtle living with him. Forever.
Chapter 7
By noon on Monday, Kelsey couldn’t wait another second to get out of the record store. She’d stayed home all day Sunday polishing her lyrics. It had been nice to have a quiet day at home, just her and Michelangelo. The weather was so gorgeous lately, she’d been able to open the windows and play some Stevie Nicks while she cleaned and did laundry and nibbled on cheese and crackers. She hadn’t taken an entire day to herself like that in a long time, and it was so nice to feel good again. So for the first time in forever, she felt trapped in the dark record store and couldn’t wait to break out of there.
“I’m taking my lunch now,” she called to her boss in the back room.
The delightful breeze from the mid-March cool front blew across her face as she stepped outside and headed toward the library. Downtown still smelled like…well, downtown, but she could smell its energy today. Its vibrancy. Its life.
Pregnancy was fucking weird sometimes.
Like how sex with Eric had been a million times better than ever before. And not just because she’d missed him or because he’d said all the right things. All that helped. Sure. But it was like every nerve in her body had been on high alert, exploding with sensation at every touch.
Her mind and heart were pretty damn happy with Saturday, too. But she was trying not to think about her heart right now.
She’d spent most of Saturday night wide awake and second-guessing herself. Just as predicted. She’d replayed and analyzed every second of their afternoon together. Every word Eric said to her. The tone and meaning of every statement. Every facial expression. Every pause.
By Sunday morning, she wasn’t sure what to think anymore. She couldn’t find any warning signs in her memories from that day, but something was still holding her back.
She instinctively placed a palm against her stomach. She took a deep breath, then removed her hand and kept walking.
Of course, something was holding her back. Their situation hadn’t changed because they’d had sex. Amazing sex even. If anything, that just complicated things more.
But Kelsey refused to regret the act. She only needed to protect herself going forward. Or at least her heart. Because losing him again, the same way she lost him last time, would kill her.
Tires screeched, then a horn blared as a flash of silver shook her out of her thoughts. Maybe the horn sounded first. It took her brain way too long to piece together what was happening. To realize she was standing frozen in the road, several feet from the curb where she should have still been waiting for traffic to clear.
Another horn blared as a driver swerved around her on the little side street that ran in front of the library. Kelsey looked at her feet again, then the road, unable to move forward or back.
“Kel, are you okay?” Natalie sprinted across the library parking lot, her normally vibrant face pale and fraught.
“Yeah.” Kelsey looked down at herself, placed her hands on her stomach to smooth the front of her shirt and to reassure herself that everything was indeed okay. When she removed her hands from her belly, they shook with tiny tremors as she held them out in front of her.
As soon as Natalie crossed the road, she took Kelsey’s arm in her hand and did her own inspection. “You don’t look good. Have you eaten?”
“I…yeah…peanut butter crackers…and a banana this morning.” She’d discovered recently that if she could get enough protein in her stomach first thing in the morning, she could squash the morning sickness before it got out of hand. Then it was just a matter of maintenance during the day. Little bites here and there between small meals. Nuts. Peanut butter. Cheese. Anything with protein helped.
“When was that?” Natalie asked, still looking at Kelsey’s eyes trying to see if she was going to pass out.
“A couple of hours ago. But I’m not hungry or lightheaded. I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
“I’m shaken up, that’s all,” Kelsey insisted. “I just wasn’t paying attention.”
Natalie frowned, then hooked her arm in Kelsey’s. She turned her around and began guiding her down the sidewalk in the opposite direction. “I was going to take you to lunch anyway. I want to check out that new pizza place.”
Kelsey wasn’t sure she could handle pizza, but she’d heard the place had good salads. Not to mention house-made cheese curds. One cheese curd wouldn’t kill her. “Sounds great.”
“Any particular reason you spaced out back there?” Natalie asked about half a block down the road. “I saw you leave with Eric in his car Saturday.”
Kelsey laughed. “And you waited until today to ask me about it? Wow. I’m impressed.”
“You should be. My restraint on this has been downright fucking fantastic.”
Thank goodness for Natalie. Kelsey needed a good laugh. And a few extra curse words. She reined them in around Eric. Not because he’d asked her to or that he ever would, but because she knew it bothered him. A little, at least. Most of the time she wasn’t even consciously watching her language. She simply matched his. It just kind of sort of happened after a while together.
“Well?” Natalie asked.
So much for restraint.
“We hung out.” Kelsey smiled remembering that afternoon. How she’d relaxed more and more with every step. “He took me on a brewery tour.”
Natalie nearly tripped over her own feet as she snort-laughed. “Oh my gosh. How the hell did you weasel out of that?” She paused. “Or did you tell him?”
“No. It was fine. We did the tour, then I told him I got too much sun on the gig.”
“Being pasty paid off?”
“This time,” she said. “And he was really…I don’t know. It was good.”
“And?”
“And we went back to his place to work on the new song.”
“And?” Natalie’s voice got deeper with each repetition of the word.
“And the song is really coming along.”
“And?”
Kelsey cleared her throat. The pizza place was ahead on their right. “And then we stopped working on the music.”
“And?” Natalie dragged the word out long and slow. No way Kelsey was going to weasel out of this.
“And we talked. About a lot of stuff. I didn’t tell him, but we had a really good talk.”
They stopped in front of the door, and Natalie blocked it with one hand on the handle. “Then why didn’t you tell him?”
Th
ere wasn’t an easy way to make Natalie understand. Not really. But the worst part was that Kelsey was having a hard time making herself understand lately, too.
“What if nothing has really changed? What if we end up right back where we were?”
Natalie frowned. “That’s a fair question.” After a few seconds, she pulled the door open and held it for Kelsey to walk inside. “But what if you don’t? What if, this time, everything works out the way it’s supposed to?”
Kelsey waited a second and considered. Natalie was right, of course. That was all just as possible as her doomsday fears. The more she listened to Natalie and the more time she spent with Eric, the more she believed that maybe there could be a future for them.
“Inside, Kel. There’s pizza inside. Good damn pizza.”
Kelsey laughed, then walked through the door.
Natalie followed her inside. “Now, after we order, you can tell me all about the other stuff you left out.”
* * * * *
Kelsey sat in her car until the dashboard clock read one minute until rehearsal. Only then did she grab her drumsticks before sending a text to Robin letting her know she was there and would meet them in the studio. The last thing she wanted was to get caught with extra time to talk. To anyone. She’d been flip-flopping on her decision to tell Eric about her pregnancy all week. She was afraid one innocent stray word might tip her back to chicken-land where she’d change her mind and keep her mouth shut. Because she was pretty sure she finally wanted to tell Eric. Tonight.
He deserved to know. He deserved to have a chance to make up his own mind about them.
Inside the studio, Kelsey sat on her throne and instantly felt the discomfort. She unbuttoned the top of her jeans and wondered how much longer she could pull this off. How long before she felt pressure at more than just her waistline? How long before she’d need help getting up, wobbly with an offset center of gravity? How long before she’d need to put up her drumsticks, just when they’d settled on a new fiddle player and were bringing in new tunes? Surely Robin had a whole album in mind. Would Kelsey have to sit out recording that, too?
She had no idea. She’d never been past this stage before. She wasn’t even sure whether or not her body could get past this stage—despite her doctor’s reassurance that these things happen and that one late first trimester loss probably didn’t have any future implications—so there was no point dwelling on all of these what-ifs now. Not yet, at least.
Lauren entered the studio first, fiddle case in hand, followed by Natalie with her guitar bag slung over one shoulder and a raised eyebrow aimed at Kelsey. Kelsey gave her friend a thumbs up while still holding her drumstick, but quickly dropped her hand below the toms as Eric entered the room. He was sporting a casual look that night with his dark forest green fedora, a sleek black T-shirt, and loose-fitting jeans. She gave him a quick smile like nothing was wrong, then looked down at her feet and tested out her pedals.
They’d talked on the phone a couple nights and texted throughout the week, but she’d made excuses not to get together. She’d sent him her lyrics so he could add them to his sheets. He tried to get her to come over to make sure he was lining up everything in a way that worked, but she insisted she trusted him with that. He was much better at that part anyway.
“All right,” Robin said when they were set up. “Let’s hear this new song I’ve heard absolutely nothing about.”
Eric flashed a bright, confident smile and a quick wink at Kelsey, then walked around the room to pass out sheet music. “I don’t have parts for everyone yet. Just the melody with the lyrics and the chord changes. Lauren, can you help me and read the melody line?”
“Sure.” Lauren lifted her fiddle and bow and waited while Eric set up at the keyboard off to the side of the room.
“Ready?” When Lauren nodded, he said, “We’ll play through it once so everyone can get a feel for it, then we can all play around with the harmonies and instrumentations. Sound good?”
Everyone agreed, so he counted off, then began the first few bars alone. Lauren came through on fiddle a few bars later with long, mournful tones as Kelsey imagined Robin singing those notes with her words. Her eyes followed along on the sheet, and her heart swelled at how naturally her words danced with Eric’s music.
When they finished, Natalie nodded at Kelsey. Robin’s voice boomed through the little room. “I love it!”
“Yeah, me too,” Lauren said. “And it’s real easy to pick up.”
Natalie agreed. “I was fingering those chord changes along with y’all, and this’ll be a quick one to learn. Great lyrics, Kel.”
Kelsey felt her cheeks warm with blush and nodded at Eric. “I had a great partner.”
Eric caught her gaze and held it with his deep, soulful eyes for longer than was comfortable or appropriate, but Kelsey couldn’t help getting lost in his stare.
“Damn right,” Robin said. “Let’s get everyone in on this once, so we can see how we want the accompaniment to go. I’ll just play the melody on my box for now, since I’m better playing than sight singing.”
Eric took his music back to his bass and stood beside Kelsey. “See,” he said. “I told you it was great. Never doubt my faith in you.”
She wanted to believe that affirming smile of his. With all of her heart she wished that was all it took. A smile and his faith. But it wasn’t his faith in her that was in question or that would be put to the test later.
* * * * *
After rehearsal, Kelsey pushed off her throne, a little slower than normal, and lightly tapped Eric on his smooth, muscular arm with her sticks. “I’ll meet you outside.”
Then she headed for the door without waiting for a response. But she couldn’t escape without going through the gauntlet.
“Seriously, I love the song.” Lauren zipped her case and walked toward the door alongside Kelsey.
“Thanks.”
“See you next week, Kelsey,” Robin called at her back. “Nice work!”
“Thanks!”
Natalie trotted up to flank Kelsey opposite Lauren. “Yeah. Great song.”
“Mmhmm.” Kelsey knew Natalie had more to say than that, but she wasn’t having this conversation with Lauren in earshot. Not that she had anything at all against Lauren. She just wasn’t close enough with her yet to have this conversation.
She wasn’t even ready to have this conversation with Eric, but it needed to be done. She couldn’t sleep with him and hide this, so she either had to break things off entirely or tell him the truth. And the way she felt when he looked at her, not to mention the way she felt after last weekend with him, she knew there was really only one choice here. She just had to have faith in him. She had to have faith that he’d grown and wouldn’t make the same mistakes. Because there was no way she could go through all of that again.
“See y’all next week.” Lauren waved and headed into the grass beside her car, while Natalie and Kelsey continued down the gravel driveway.
“Sooooo,” Natalie said when they reached her car. “Did you tell him?”
“Not yet.” Kelsey bit the inside of her mouth. She wasn’t normally a worry-chewer, but she was wearing a sore spot in her mouth this week.
“Is that why you look like you’re going to barf, or is that the morning sickness?”
“The morning sickness is mostly just morning now. So yeah, I’m gonna tell him when he gets out here.”
“You’re gonna tell him you’re pregnant. Here. Now. On Robin’s front lawn.”
“That’s the plan.”
“Jeez you’re shitty at plans.” Natalie smiled and nudged Kelsey’s arm. “It’s gonna be fine.”
“I know.”
“You know he’s gonna be thrilled.”
“Yeah, that’s the problem.”
Natalie frowned and crossed her arms. “That’s a good problem to have. Stop making this harder than it is.” She nodded over Kelsey’s shoulder. “Or at least brace yourself.” She put a hand on Kelsey’s shoulde
r. “Good luck. You know where to find me if you need.”
“I do. Thanks.”
Natalie got in her car and drove off, and Eric’s long strides carried him across the grass through her empty spot right after. “Went pretty well, huh?”
“What?”
Eric’s brow wrinkled. “The song?”
“Oh, the song,” Kelsey said. “Yeah. Great.”
He opened the trunk of his van. “Everything okay with you?”
Kelsey took a deep breath. She’d already made the decision. She just had to tell him. “No.”
“No? What’s wrong?”
“I mean, yes. I’m okay. So far. I think.”
“So far?” He slid his bass into the back of the van and reached for the trunk door. “What’s going on, Kel?”
She took another deep breath and said, “I’m pregnant,” just as the van trunk slammed shut.
Eric flinched and stared at her wide-eyed beneath the brim of his fedora. He leaned his head forward. “What did you say?”
“I said I’m pregnant.”
He stood in shock for a second, then moved toward her, only to freeze again. He put a palm against his chest. “And it’s…”
“Yours, yes.”
As the words sank in, his eyes danced with joy and confusion. Then, the inevitable.
He put his hands on her arms. “Are you okay?” Then his forehead wrinkled in confused again. “Wait, can you know that fast?”
Kelsey shook her head. “The last time, before this weekend. We’d all been drinking after that gig, and we weren’t exactly…careful. And yes, I’m fine.”
She watched the tightness in his face as he mentally did the math. “Jesus, Kelsey. You’ve known all this time? Why didn’t you tell me?”
It was a fair question. One she knew he’d ask. One she didn’t have an easy answer for. “Pretty sure we covered that Saturday night.”
“Saturday night.” He was quiet for a second. Replaying their conversation, their time together. “Oh, God. Saturday night.” He held her arms tighter, but still gently, and looked her up and down. “But you’re okay? That didn’t—”