by Leigh Landry
“It’s fine.” Kelsey laughed. Why did men always think they could poke the fetus? “I promise. It’s fine.”
His brow was strained, then his eyes widened with a realization. “The candy. The suckers.”
She nodded. “It’s getting better.”
He relaxed a little, and his lips quirked into a small smile. “Well, that’s good. Are you…I mean, is this past…last time?”
A wave of nausea that wasn’t morning sickness rolled through her. She reminded herself that it was natural for him to be worried about her. Especially considering her history. “No. That’s partly why I didn’t want to tell you yet.”
He closed his eyes. “I get it.” He opened them again, the rims of his eyes red now. “What made you decide to tell me now?”
“I couldn’t be with you and hide this.” She left out the part where she couldn’t figure out how to not be with him anymore. That wasn’t a power she felt like handing over just yet. Plus, she wasn’t sure it was entirely true. If she got the hint that he cared more about them as a family deal, or if she felt like he might bail on her, she would pull the plug on this relationship before he had the chance to hurt her that way again.
If it wasn’t already too late.
He moved his warm hands up to place them on the sides of her face, tilting her head up toward his. With a deep, soulful stare, he said, “Thank you for telling me.” He stared at her some more, then said, “Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for letting me be here for you.”
When he kissed her, his lips were soft and warm against hers. He held her there with a long, loving kiss edged with grief and regret. She kissed him back with all the reassurance she could muster. Not quite hope or faith, but at least a kiss of truth, respect, and…love.
He broke away and said, “Come on. Let’s go talk at my house for a while.”
“I should get home.” It had been a lot for one night. She felt euphoric and sick all at once. The only thing she wanted to do now was go home and absorb everything. “I’ve been really tired lately, and I’ve got to work in the morning. I should just go to sleep.”
“You could sleep at my place.” He wagged his thick, dark eyebrows.
“That doesn’t instill much confidence that there would be much sleeping.” She laughed and patted him on the chest, part of her wishing she could keep her hand there for a while and do more than sleep beside him. “There will be plenty of time for that. I really do need sleep. I promise we can talk more another day.”
“Okay, fine,” he said. “But you’re sure you feel okay? No cramps or anything?”
“I’m fine.” In truth, she’d felt nothing last time either. It had felt like what she’d thought was a normal pregnancy. No signs that anything was wrong at all. Even her body couldn’t face the fact that she’d lost the pregnancy. The only indication was that damned ultrasound.
She tiptoed to meet him with another quick kiss. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay,” he said. “But promise you’ll call me if you need anything. Day or night. Call me.”
She looked at him, the sincerity and unabashed hope clear in his face, and nodded. Maybe this time would be different. Maybe this time everything really would be okay.
“I promise.”
Chapter 8
Eric scrolled through his playlists until he found the right one and set it to air on his living room speaker. A few seconds later, his house filled with the edgy, bluesy voice of Grace Potter. He’d made a playlist filled with Kelsey’s favorites over a year ago, so she’d always have something she liked when she came over. They listened to each other’s music all the time, but he wanted her to always feel at home here.
He hurried back to the kitchen to toss the pasta in with the sauce. He’d tasted it at least ten times, trying to get it just right. Exactly the way he remembered it. It was pretty darn close, if not perfect.
When Kelsey’s signature knock echoed through his kitchen, Eric wiped his hands on a towel and opened the side door. She walked into the kitchen wearing a black Zildjian T-shirt with faded ripped jeans. Her dark hair had a chunk of bright, freshly dyed purple, and a euphoric wave of excitement and anxiousness flooded him as she passed.
Kelsey lifted her nose in the air, and her eyes widened with delight. “Is that what I think it is?”
Eric scooped pasta high in the air and piled it on a plate. He then spooned extra scallops and shrimp on top. “Sure is.”
“Oh my goooooosh.” Kelsey greedily grabbed for the plate and held it steady while Eric shaved fresh parmesan over the top. “I swear I still have dreams about this stuff. You found a recipe for it?”
“Sort of.” He served himself a portion from the stove, then followed her to the little dinette table in the next room. “Remember Warren?”
“From school? Sax player?”
“Yeah. He moved to New Orleans a couple years ago. I found out his roommate’s a chef. Used to work at that restaurant we went to. I begged Warren to find out how to make this.”
That reaction—her satisfied smile, the delight in her eyes, everything—was worth the massive favor he now owed Warren. Worth that and more.
She took a bite and leaned back in her chair. “It’s delicious. Thank you.”
He poured them both sparkling raspberry-flavored water into wine glasses. “Glad you like it.”
“Absolutely.”
“That was a fun trip. I still can’t believe you went up and sang at the Cat’s Meow stone-cold sober.”
“You can thank Natalie and Camille for that.” She laughed. “They needed another Spice Girl on stage.” Kelsey’s expression quickly fell as she shifted uncomfortably in her chair and took a sip of water.
“What?” he asked.
She shook her head.
“It’s something. What’s wrong?”
Kelsey frowned and hesitated. “That was the last trip we took together.”
They used to go away all the time. Just a day trip or a night here and there, to New Orleans or Houston or Galveston. Spur of the moment, usually. Sometimes with friends, sometimes just the two of them.
She was right. That weekend had been the last one they spent together. She had finally started feeling a little better as the morning sickness waned, and she’d felt restless from being cooped up and sick for so long. Only a few days after they got home, Kelsey found out she’d lost the baby.
Eric looked down at his plate, then over at hers. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t even—”
“It’s fine,” she said.
“No, it isn’t. I should have remembered.”
“You did remember. You remembered the good stuff that I tend to forget. And you made an amazing meal.” She put a hand on his. “Plus, I’m actually hungry for the first time in forever, so you’d have to pry the plate from my cold, dead fingers before I stop eating this.”
To make her point, she stuffed a large pile of pasta into her mouth and wagged her thin, dark eyebrows, daring him.
If he hadn’t already been over the moon for this woman, he’d have fallen in love with her right then and there. “Understood.”
They ate the rest of their meal and caught up on the last couple days. They’d both been working and Eric had had a gig the night before, so they hadn’t had much time to talk since rehearsal.
Since Kelsey’s news.
He kept things casual and light all through dinner, then ordered her to sit on the couch while he put up the dishes.
“I’m not an invalid, you know. I’m just pregnant.”
“I know,” he called from the sink where he ran water over their scraped-clean plates. “Just let me soak these. The rest can wait.”
He dumped the plates and utensils in the dishwasher, put the leftovers in a container, and soaked the pan in the sink. When he finished, he took his glass and met Kelsey on the couch, where she sat hand-drumming on her thigh to an Evanescence song.
“You look like you’re feeling good.”
She n
odded. “This week has been better.”
“Good. I’m glad. For you, I mean.” He cleared his throat. “So, I was thinking.” He tapped his foot nervously on the floor, then patted his own leg to stop himself. “I was wondering if I could go with you. To an appointment or something.”
Kelsey stiffened a little, but nodded at him with a wary tightness on her face. “Sure. If you want to.”
He held her gaze. “I do.”
He also didn’t want her to have to go through that alone. He knew she’d be terrified. This was getting close to when they lost the baby last time. This next check-up had to be nerve-wracking for her.
“It’s in a few weeks. I haven’t put it in my calendar yet, and the card’s at home.”
“Just let me know when, and I’ll be there.” He reached over and took her hand, playing with her short but powerful fingers and running his own fingers along her palm. “Thanks for letting me in. I want to be there for all of it, you know. For everything. For you and the baby. I want to be by your side for everything from now on.”
She smiled awkwardly, and he realized she was looking a little pale again. A little clammy, even. What if he’d given her bad scallops or something?
“You feeling okay?” he asked. “Is the food not sitting right?”
“It’s fine,” she said, but she still looked a little green. “Maybe too much butter for my stomach, but it was totally worth it.” She pulled her hand away. “I should probably get going.”
“Already? You sure you’re feeling all right?” He stood with her and looked at the clock. It wasn’t even nine yet.
“I’ve been working a lot the past couple days, that’s it.” She grabbed her phone and keys from the side table. “I’ve been passing out before eight-thirty most nights, so this is technically already past my bedtime.”
“You could sleep here, you know.” He brushed her hair from her face. “I promise I’ll leave you alone to sleep. I’ll even sleep on the couch if you want.”
She smiled and stood on her toes to kiss his cheek. “Another time. I need to feed Michelangelo anyway.”
“Foiled by that turtle. Again.”
She laughed. “I’m telling him you said that.”
He walked her to the front door, then gave her a quick, soft kiss on the mouth. “You sure I can’t convince you to stay?”
She rubbed the side of his arm. “Not tonight. But thanks for dinner. I really did enjoy it.”
“Sure. Text me when you get home, okay?”
He watched until she got in her car and backed out of his driveway. Watching her leave, he realized just how tired he was of watching Kelsey drive off.
More than that, he was tired of saying goodbye to her. Tired of spending their days and nights apart. Tired of living completely separate lives.
And there was an easy solution to all of that.
* * * * *
After his Thursday morning lessons—two piano and one bass, all from the same homeschooling family—Eric left his bass safely locked in the practice room, then grabbed his keys and rushed to the front desk. Once again, Josh was sitting in.
“Considering a permanent position there?”
“Nah, just holding down the fort for a few minutes while Charlotte’s running late.” Josh nodded at the keys in Eric’s hand. “Taking an early lunch?”
“Kind of. Got a couple hours between lessons.” Normally he stuck around to practice in between, but today he had other plans.
“Kind of?” Josh asked.
He didn’t have time to get into everything, but he was dying to tell someone. If he told someone, it would be real. Then he’d have to follow through. No chickening out.
Eric dug in his pocket and pulled out the small black box. He held it in his palm, the shape and size giving away its contents.
Josh let out a long whistle. “You weren’t kidding about being for real. You nervous?”
Eric stuffed the box back in his pocket. “Trying not to be.”
In truth, he hadn’t slept more than an hour or two the night before. He had all the faith in the world in him and Kelsey. They could make it through anything. He just wasn’t as solid on the timing.
As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t rush earning her forgiveness or trust. And he’d long ago accepted that they couldn’t heal each other. But they could heal together. They didn’t have to be broken alone. And he didn’t want to wait another day to reassure her that he would be by her side no matter what. With all the uncertainty surrounding her pregnancy, he wanted her to be sure about him, that he was sincere and committed.
“Well, good luck, man.” Josh gave him a big, goofy grin. “Rooting for you guys.”
* * * * *
Eric stood outside the record store with a soda in each hand and a takeout bag of po-boys from their favorite shop. He’d texted her when he parked downtown, hoping to catch her before she took her usual walk to meet Natalie.
Kelsey exited the store only a minute or two after he got there, and he relaxed a little once she saw him and gave a bright, genuine smile. He could do this. This was Kelsey. He loved her. There was no question in his mind that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. All he had to do was tell her that. The rest was up to her.
He popped open the satsuma soda, a local concoction Kelsey had fallen in love with last year, and handed it to her.
“Thanks,” she said. “Want to eat at the park?”
“Sure.”
He tried to hold back his excitement. His plan all along had been to take her to the little park downtown that was around the corner and just a block away from her store. There was a splash pad for kids, lots of benches, and grassy areas for picnics. Local bands played at the gazebo-style stage every Friday in the spring and fall. The first gig the two of them had played together with Robin’s band was on this stage. It had been a typical kind of gig, nothing really out of the ordinary, but something about playing beside Kelsey had felt magical. He knew he was in love with her that day, right there on that stage.
They sat on the cement stage steps where they could see the rest of the park. He pulled her sandwich from the bag and handed it to her, then unwrapped his own. He asked how her morning was going at the store, and she asked him how his first lessons went, and they made small talk between bites.
It was a beautiful day. A downright perfect day for a proposal.
She couldn’t finish her po-boy half, so she wrapped it up and handed the leftovers for him to put in the bag for later. “I should probably get back to the store.”
“Wait.” He turned to face her and took both of her hands in his. “Thanks again, for letting me back into your life and for giving us another chance.” His thumbs nervously grazed the tops of her fingers. “I’m in this for the long run.” He took a deep breath, then released her hands to pull the box from his pocket and open it. “You don’t have to say anything right now. I know you weren’t expecting this, and I know you like to have time to think about things.” He took out the ring and slipped it on her finger. “But I want you to hang on to this while you think, to remind you that I love you, Kelsey, and I plan to be by your side for as long as you’ll have me. Forever, if that’s what you want.”
She blinked hard and fast at the ring on her finger. She looked terrified, but he couldn’t tell if he was projecting his own terror onto her or not.
When she still didn’t say anything, he added, “I just want to make sure you know that I’m going to be here for you. That I’m here for both of you.”
Kelsey finally looked up, and when their eyes met, his heart sank. He wasn’t imagining that terror.
“I need to get back to work.” She stood and briskly dusted off her pants then grabbed her half-empty soda.
“Kel, wait, can we talk?”
“I need to get back.” She was already halfway down the steps. “Thanks for lunch,” she called over her shoulder.
This was not how he envisioned this going. Not even when he imagined her rejectin
g him. At least in his imagination she stuck around to do so. “I’ll see you at rehearsal tonight.”
But she didn’t reply. She only gave a quick wave over her shoulder.
He watched her disappear down the block and around the corner, while he sat alone on the stage steps, wondering where he went wrong.
But he knew the answer to that. He went wrong last year, when he’d screwed everything up. He’d been a fool to think she could ever forgive him for that.
Chapter 9
Kelsey unzipped her duffel bag and stared at the empty thing. She’d been filling this bag and carrying it from new home to new home for most of her life. At least she was leaving on her own terms now. And she knew where she was going this time.
She had a cousin, Lily, in Alabama. Kelsey had lived with them for a few weeks before Lily’s family ended up in court and Lily was in foster care right along with Kelsey. They were never in the same place after that, but they kept in touch. Sort of as each other’s emergency contacts. When Kelsey called, Lily wasted no time telling her to get her butt over there. She said she didn’t have much, but she had a futon Kelsey could crash on until they figured everything out. It was the safest landing place she’d ever had lined up.
She had every intention of coming back, eventually. Still, she wasn’t a teenager with nothing to her name but a change of clothes and a couple of notebooks filled with half-written stories and verses. She was an adult now, with belongings and jobs and friends. How was she supposed to fit her whole life in this one bag?
She glanced at the clock on her bedroom wall. 6:05. She reminded herself she was just bailing on one gig. The band had a month before the festival, and Eric could probably pull in a friend from the music school to play drums. She would’ve had to take a break soon anyway. She couldn’t keep hauling all of her equipment much longer. And if she was going to have trouble getting up from couches, she couldn’t imagine how hard it would be to get up from that throne sitting so low to the ground a few months from now.