Between the Lives

by Jessica Shirvington

  He raised an eyebrow again. ‘Whether you live or die?’

  I grimaced, but nodded.

  ‘Partly,’ he responded, pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket. ‘Before I forget.’

  He was changing the subject. I looked at the list and held back the sigh. More of the same. Languages and chemical questions mostly, for which I was grateful. At least I didn’t have to work out any long mathematical equations. I memorised the list and when I tucked it away I grabbed hold of Ethan’s wrist, turning it to see the time. Eleven p.m. I bit the inside of my cheek nervously.

  ‘It’s to the second, I promise,’ he said.

  Despite the previous night, I believed him.

  ‘Will you stay out here, with me? While you … At midnight, I mean.’ He still couldn’t say the word ‘Shift’ – it would mean he believed me, when clearly he was still making up his mind.

  Normally I hated being around people when I Shifted. Hated being somewhere foreign. But tonight … tonight I found myself nodding, which seemed to please Ethan greatly.

  ‘What happened to your girlfriend?’ I asked at one point.

  I saw his smirk from the corner of my eye. ‘She wasn’t for me.’

  ‘So you have a type then?’ I asked, teasing despite my racing he art.

  He tilted his head towards me, amusement playing in his eyes. ‘No, I’ve always been more interested in finding a one of-a-kind.’

  I bit back a smile, but he still caught it, and I heard his soft chuckle.

  We stared up at the sky, talking every now and then. Ethan asked questions, but didn’t bombard me or push his views or judgments on me … too much. For the first time in my life – either of them – I felt like I could talk about my lives honestly. And each time I touched his wrist he raised his arm to show me the time, as if we’d always done this.

  I tried to keep my cool, but a few minutes before midnight I couldn’t hold back the trembling. Ethan didn’t say anything, he just reached over and took my hand in his. And as I Shifted, I found myself hoping he might never let go.

  For the next few days I did everything Ethan asked, sneaking off during my lunch breaks in Wellesley to find the answers to his questions on the internet. I even managed to find a semi-reliable translation program for the languages. I went back and forth between my worlds, maintaining appearances in Wellesley and giving Ethan all the evidence he’d requested.

  Each time I Shifted back to Roxbury, he was there, holding my hand, anchoring me. Each time he watched me intently, looking for something. I don’t know what. The night after the park, we went to a late-night café, but I’d suggested we go back to the gardens the following night. He seemed happiest there.

  Ethan asked me lots of questions. Some I could answer and some I couldn’t, and for some … there wasn’t an answer he wanted to hear. He just couldn’t accept that I didn’t believe there was a way to live in both worlds happily.

  We were lying under our weeping willow on Friday night and I’d just Shifted back from Wellesley and recited my answers – once again, all flawless – when I finally snapped.

  ‘What would you have me do, Ethan? What’s supposed to happen if I get married one day? Have kids! Am I supposed to do that in both worlds? Leave my children behind every day and go to a new family? Never tell anyone who I really am? Love two different people?’

  Ethan rolled onto his side and looked into my eyes, gently wiping away the tear sliding down my cheek.

  ‘I don’t know. No. Probably not. If you love one person, you love them fully, or there’s no point. Then again …’ he trailed off.

  ‘Then again, what?’ I sniped.

  ‘You’re the one who seems to think the only way forward with someone you can’t kiss for longer than ten seconds is to, how did you put it, make plans.’

  I shook my head at him, but couldn’t manage a response. Why did he care so much anyway?

  ‘Maybe you could find the same person in both worlds,’ he suggested, but he seemed to be sharing in my sadness now.

  ‘It’s unlikely, Ethan. And anyway, even if I did there’s no guarantee they would be the same or … argh!’ It was impossible to explain.

  He bit his lip, thinking, and I couldn’t help staring while it slowly slipped out from under his teeth.

  ‘Sabine, have you ever seen me there?’ he asked hesitantly.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Didn’t think so.’

  ‘Why do you say that?’

  He shrugged, still looking at me closely. ‘I think I’d know if I’d met you before. I mean on some level, even if I didn’t remember exactly, part of me, I guess my soul, would know deep down.’

  ‘Maybe.’ But I wasn’t sure I agreed with that. I’d seen people in both worlds before, like fruit shop guy – people who would surely recognise me if they knew on ‘some level’.

  ‘You are pretty annoying. That kind of sticks with someone,’ he said with a smirk.

  ‘Then I definitely haven’t met you in my other life.’

  He laughed before settling back down beside me, both of us watching the willow branches sway in the pre-dawn breeze.

  ‘Sabine?’ he said softly.

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘The choice you’ve been considering … Have you made up your mind?’

  The question threw me. I’d thought I had. But saying so to Ethan felt wrong. I couldn’t explain to him how this was my one chance to have the life I’d always wanted. This could be my one chance to actually live.

  I sighed. ‘Ethan, don’t.’

  ‘Yes, then.’ It was his turn to sigh. ‘Won’t it be hard to leave everyone? Your family, Maddie, Capri? Don’t you want to be here for them – be a part of their futures?’

  I sat up, not looking at him. ‘You didn’t put yourself on that list.’

  He sat up quickly, grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me towards him. ‘Listen to me. This is not about me! This is a choice you have to make for you. It doesn’t matter how much I … It has to be about other things. Not me, Sabine. Not me.’

  I recoiled, pulling myself out of his grasp. I was so shocked, I just sat there, frozen. So hurt. Impossibly embarrassed.

  Finally, when neither one of us said anything, I stood up. ‘Sun will be up soon. You should take me back.’ I started walking towards the car so he wouldn’t see my face.

  When we got back to my room I went straight to the bathroom to change for bed. I couldn’t believe I’d made such a fool of myself. There I was, sneaking out with Ethan every night, thinking maybe there was something between us, something more than I’d dared to even hope for … But there wasn’t. He didn’t want to be part of my world. Not me, he’d said. He didn’t even want to be a consideration.

  I’d let myself get carried away.

  I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, angry that I’d allowed myself to be derailed so badly. If I’d been more focused on what I should’ve been doing, maybe everything would have been sorted by now. Instead of focusing on Ethan, I should’ve been concentrating on my plan. I still had no idea how I was going to make everything work.

  ‘Especially since I’m stuck in this shithole!’ I cried to myself, leaning against the sink.

  When I got back to my room, I was surprised to see Ethan still there, sitting in the chair, head in his hands.

  I climbed silently into bed and rolled over, turning my back to him. ‘I’m tired, Ethan.’

  ‘Your graduation is coming up, isn’t it?’

  I didn’t answer.

  ‘You said the other day, that after graduation everything would be better. You didn’t just mean you and Dex, did you? It’s all gearing up towards then, isn’t it? So how does it work – does this life end before or after graduation day in your other life?’

  I took a deep breath, trying not to give away the fact that I was crying. ‘After,’ I admitted.

  ‘You’ve got it all worked out. You and Dex will be together, you’ll tie up any loose ends in this world and get y
our one life. All your dreams will come true.’ His words were heavy with accusation.

  I couldn’t stand it anymore. ‘It’s the only dream I have! But thanks for understanding. I get it now, Ethan. I can see how little you think of me. How pathetic I must seem. I should’ve realised sooner and then I wouldn’t have …’

  He was on his feet and by my bed. ‘Wouldn’t have what?’

  I shook my head and buried my tear-streaked face in the pillow. ‘Just go, Ethan.’

  I heard the door close behind him.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Roxbury, Saturday–Sunday / Wellesley, Saturday–Sunday

  The rest of the weekend passed by, each day dragging as I tried to develop the plan that would end all of this torment. But even in Wellesley I struggled to pull myself together, Ethan’s words playing over and over in my mind.

  Not me.

  To make matters worse, Ethan didn’t turn up to work on Saturday night – which felt like a slap in the face. And in Wellesley, things weren’t much better. I slept most of Saturday. After Shifting and hobbling to the bathroom, I’d caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and decided that, for today at least, sleep came first. I was shockingly gaunt with dark circles under my eyes. It had become impossible to keep track of the waking-versus-sleeping hours of my lives. Staying awake for the Shift every night and, more often than not, ending up with my head over the toilet was taking a visible toll. No wonder Miriam was so convinced the fruit diet was working.

  The good thing was, my schooling days had officially ended on Friday, and if ever anyone deserved to have finished their school education, it was me. Now the only thing left was Monday’s graduation.

  When I finally made my way downstairs, wearing a white maxi-skirt and simple black camisole, the house was empty. There was a note from Mom on the kitchen counter saying she’d left me to sleep in and enjoy my first official day of freedom – with a P.S. telling me she’d deposited some money into my account so I could go and buy the dress I’d been eyeing off for graduation dinner.

  I checked my watch. It was after lunchtime and I could think of nothing I’d rather do than be my normal Wellesley-self and take part in some serious retail therapy. I rang Miriam and arranged to meet her at the mall.

  ‘Are you going to buy the black or the silver?’ Miriam asked, as we walked towards the evening-wear shop.

  ‘The black.’ There had never been any doubt from the moment I’d tried it on. When I imagined myself in that dress, I felt sexy. Mature. It was the perfect choice. And Dex would love it.

  ‘Did you confirm your hotel booking?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Transport?’

  ‘Dex is driving.’

  ‘And what about your mom?’

  I shrugged. ‘I told her a while back that I was going to be staying in the city on graduation night. It was weird; she didn’t even ask me anything about it, just said okay. I’m pretty sure she knows who I’ll be staying with and figures it was inevitable.’

  ‘You’re eighteen, what can she really say?’ Miriam gave an excited clap. ‘That’s everything organised!’

  I nodded.

  Later, as we waited for my dress to be boxed, Miriam turned to me. ‘Is everything okay, Sabine? You look a little … freaked out.’

  I concentrated on rearranging my wallet. ‘Yeah. Just … I don’t know, nervous maybe.’

  She studied me for a moment. I expected her to make a joke, but instead she flicked her perfectly styled hair and looked at me seriously. ‘If you aren’t ready, you don’t have to do anything. Once you go down that road, things change.’ She sighed. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I love Brett and I’m glad that we are … you know, but I think if I could have my time again, I would’ve waited a little longer. The first time can be a bit … uncomfortable.’

  ‘Wow. I never thought I’d hear you say that.’

  She nudged my shoulder. ‘And I’ll never admit it again, but if you aren’t a hundred per cent sure, maybe you should just talk it through with Dex.’

  I bit my lip. ‘I don’t think I can do that.’

  She gave me another long look while the shop assistant handed me my dress and then we were back out on the street.

  ‘Sabine, is there someone else?’ Miriam asked eventually.

  I blanched. ‘No. Why? Why would you think that?’

  She raised her eyebrows at me. ‘I don’t know. It’s just … you seemed so ready and now you look so unsure, and Dex asked me the other day if I’d seen you hanging out with anyone else. I can’t help but wonder if you might’ve met someone who’s changed your mind.’

  I thought of Ethan. Absent Ethan. His words. Not me.

  ‘No, there’s no one else.’ Except in my overactive imagination. And Dex’s. I couldn’t believe he’d been asking around about me. ‘Like I said, I’m just nervous. Dex and I have waited long enough.’ I glanced down at my dress box. When I looked back up at Miriam, I was smiling. ‘Earrings?’

  She returned my smile. ‘Definitely.’

  Preparing to Shift back to Roxbury on Saturday night was terrible. For the first time since being admitted to the clinic, I’d be Shifting back to an empty room. And the reality of where that room was – in a ‘mood disorders’ ward, which was just the PC way of saying ‘psycho ward’ – felt harsher than ever.

  When I Shifted, the sense of loneliness stayed with me. After my usual run to the bathroom, I settled myself in my bed and tried to sleep Sunday morning away. Sheer exhaustion helped stop my churning mind and I think I could have slept the whole day if I hadn’t had a visitor arrive.

  Dad sat in the chair usually filled by Ethan and fidgeted awkwardly with the armrests.

  ‘How have your sessions with Dr Levi been going?’

  I sat on the end of my bed, feeling exposed and vulnerable. I was no longer his daughter, I was now in the category of ‘patient’. My entire relationship with my parents had changed forever. The strange thing was, staring at my father I realised he looked almost as weary as I felt. I wondered if his visits to the local bar had become more frequent.

  I decided to offer an olive branch. ‘They’re okay. I had one today. He seems to think I might need some medication. That part of this could be a chemical imbalance or something.’ Which was total rubbish.

  My father let out a quivering sigh. ‘That’s good, that’s good, Sabine. I think Dr Levi really knows what he’s doing.’

  I didn’t correct him – didn’t explain that Levi had no idea what he was doing, that I wasn’t the average patient.

  ‘I know you hate me right now. I know you think we let you down, but we just want you back.’ He ran a hand through his hair, struggling for words. ‘I’m sorry about how things went at home, we handled it badly. But, Sabine, please understand that we didn’t know what to do. We just want our daughter back.’

  Their daughter – the one who had to lie every day, I thought bitterly. But looking at his face, I could see that he’d meant it as his own kind of olive branch.

  ‘How’s Mom?’ I asked, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.

  He shook his head. ‘You know your mom. She likes things to be a certain way. This whole thing has really sideswiped her. She feels responsible, like she should’ve prevented this before it got so …’

  ‘Will you tell her that’s not true? No one could have prevented this.’

  He smiled weakly, looking relieved.

  ‘Maddie misses you terribly.’

  My heart twisted. I hated not seeing her and dreaded finding out what Mom and Dad had told her. ‘I miss her too. What does she …? Does she know that I’m …?’

  He knew what I meant. ‘We told her you’ve gone away on a future careers camp. That you got a last-minute placement and had to leave straight away.’

  I nodded. As desperate as I was to see her, I agreed with that decision. ‘Do you think …?’ I swallowed. ‘Dad …’ I choked on the word. Calling him Dad was a big concession on my part.
‘Do you think we could keep this from her? Like, never tell her? I don’t want her to ever know I was in here. Ever.’

  He nodded. ‘It would be better if she didn’t. Let’s just see how things pan out.’

  The trouble was, I knew how things were going to pan out. I looked down. ‘Okay. Tell her I love her. And Mom too.’

  He stood, looking more himself. ‘I will. Your mom will visit soon.’ He leaned over to give me an awkward hug before leaving.

  I dedicated the rest of the day to developing an indifference to all things Ethan – especially the ache in my heart.

  Macie popped her head around my door in the afternoon to let me know I had phone privileges, so I called Capri. Luckily I was no longer on day watch, so Macie didn’t have to hang around for the call.

  Despite Davis’s promise, he’d gone ahead and spilled to Capri, telling her he’d seen me out on the town. She was barely talking to me. After half an hour of grovelling she forgave me enough to demand every detail about the mysterious guy Davis had also, accidentally on purpose, mentioned.

  I guess he figured he owed me no favours.

  I guess he was right.

  I told Capri it was just a brief thing that lasted a couple of days, and that it turned out the mystery guy didn’t actually care about me at all.

  True enough.

  ‘So are you in hospital or not?’ she asked with a huff, possibly feeling a little sorry for me now that she’d heard the state of my pathetic love life.

  ‘Yeah, I am.’ And then I made a decision. ‘Mom and Dad had me committed.’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘They think I’m crazy.’

  ‘What? How the hell … Sabine, what is going on with you?’ ‘It’s complicated. But I’m basically locked away in a clinic. Did you go see Maddie?’

  ‘I saw her yesterday. She’s fine – thinks you’re away on some camp or something. I told her that I’d spoken to you and that I might be seeing you soon. She asked me to give you a really big rabbit hug or something.’

  I smiled, looking at my cast, running my fingers over Maddie’s bunnies.