Wild Embers: Poems of Rebellion, Fire, and Beauty

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by Gill, Nikita




  Copyright

  Copyright © 2017 by Nikita Gill

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Hachette Books

  Hachette Book Group

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  New York, NY 10104

  HachetteBookGroup.com

  First ebook edition: November 2017

  Hachette Books is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The Hachette Books name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

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  ISBN 978-0-316-51983-0

  E3-20171006-JV-PC

  For you

  and all the fires

  you will

  give birth to.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Untitled I

  Miracle

  Multiverse

  The Meaning of a Day

  The Possibility in Impossibility

  Growth

  Dark Matter

  Venus

  The Sun and the Moon

  Dark Days

  Your Heart is not a Hospital

  A Conversation with My Mental Illness

  Unlearning

  Black Hole

  Ghost Story

  Lonely

  Endings

  Untitled II

  Witch

  Magic

  Dragon’s Breath

  Sorcery

  With Love From Midnight

  The Art of Unmissing

  Wolves

  Your Trauma

  When Love Dies

  Burning

  Why I am Magic

  The Well Spoken Heart

  Conjuring

  Wolf and Woman

  Anger

  Learned Helplessness

  An Ocean Called Healing

  Baptism

  Graveyards and Gardens

  Your Torment Has Meaning

  The Bones of Trauma

  Homes

  Forgiveness

  Reminders about Healing

  Toxic People

  Reminiscences

  Memories

  Love and the Moon

  Reinvention

  I Love You

  Statistics

  For Her

  Untitled III

  Sleeping Beauty

  Belle

  Ariel

  Snow White

  Cinderella

  Little Red Riding Hood

  Alice in Wonderland

  Heroes

  Girls of the Wild

  Untitled IV

  Who You Are

  The Epiphany

  Loving What is Broken

  The Becoming

  When the Monster Calls

  Survival

  Journey

  Boys will be Boys

  Three Sentences

  Hostage

  Silence

  Untitled V

  The Truth about Art

  Fire

  Wild

  Weathered

  Why She Stayed

  Her Skin

  You are Everything

  Desecration

  Mythology

  Untitled VI

  Helen

  Aphrodite

  Artemis

  Athena

  Persephone

  Hera

  Demeter

  Untitled VII

  Too Much

  Daughters

  Courage

  Son

  Self Care

  Let Go

  Secret Language

  Fossilised Love

  Hunted

  Primitive

  Precipice of Loss

  Reset

  Surviving

  Therapy

  Small Magic

  Temporary

  Pandora’s Box

  Temple

  Questions to Ask Yourself

  Value

  Pieces

  Time

  Belonging

  Haunted

  Nurture

  Blossom

  My Monsters

  Never Forget

  Fuel

  Three Versions of You

  Earth

  Planets and Stars

  Bedtime Stories

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Newsletters

  Someone I loved once told me that there are fragments within us that are the same age as the universe, and because we are matter, we can never be destroyed. That a part of us will live forever and ever, and that in making us the universe was celebrating itself, we are its living, breathing joy.

  Miracle

  It took 3.8 billion years

  of triumphant evolution,

  remarkable collision,

  an unbelievable confluence

  made by sheer will and influence

  of this infinite universe

  and all of the stars

  to get you here.

  I hope you never doubt again

  that even when you are in pain,

  that you are a miracle,

  that every part of you is incredible.

  Multiverse

  The growing, aching quiet of this home

  has led me to reading space theories.

  The notions are slowly wrapping around my bones,

  settling between my heart and ribcage with intricacy.

  When I feel most bereft in this aching grief,

  I find soothing in the words of a philosopher.

  William James explained the multiverse in brief,

  but with the foresight of an astronomer.

  He spoke of time as a non-linear vision,

  that the universe is not one but many,

  a different one spun off every one of our decisions,

  therefore the versions of us that exist are plenty.

  How comforting to think

  that there are so many universes.

  Perhaps one where the Titanic did not sink,

  one where humanity is kind to the earth, not a curse.

  Possibly one where magic is real

  where faith is rewarded instead of scorned.

  And perhaps even one where I do not grieve,

  because you are alive and I have no need to mourn.

  The Meaning of a Day

  Each new dawn brings with it

  15 new reasons for laughs,

  100,000 new heartbeats in your chest,

  your lifeblood voyages 168,000,000 miles.

  And each new morning on this earth translates

  7,200 earthquakes in the upcoming 24 hours.

  More than 18,000 thunderstorms,

  our planet is struck by lightning 8.6 million times.

  And in space?

  The passing of a day

  means the wondrous birth of

  approximately 275 billion stars.

  This is why every day

  is an opportunity for reb
irth.

  That is why no matter what they say,

  you must never underestimate your own worth.

  The Possibility in Impossibility

  Yesterday, you spoke to me

  about impossibilities

  and how certain relationships

  lives and moments were not destined to be.

  For you, I collected these;

  in hope that if you do not trust me,

  at least you will believe

  these facts from the galaxies.

  On Venus (and yes, I know, you will find this bizarre),

  it snows in metal and rains in sulphuric acid

  and a teaspoon of a dancing neutron star

  weighs more than everyone together in the world.

  What I am trying to say, my darling,

  is that I know you said you wouldn’t survive this day

  but across our beautiful universe,

  what is impossible is happening every day.

  Growth

  Maybe the true meaning of life

  is to understand that

  you have never been

  in the same physical place twice,

  not even within your own home.

  You see, the earth,

  the solar system

  and the galaxy are all moving

  through space

  constantly.

  And from this,

  you learn that growth

  is an essential part

  of flowing,

  of being.

  That growth is simply

  learning how to suffer,

  gracefully, elegantly

  constantly moving and travelling

  without letting your pain tear you apart.

  And take solace in the fact

  that even though growth itself is agonising

  your spirit was never meant

  to feel the same pain,

  the same grief twice.

  Dark Matter

  There is grace in the way

  the sinews of your ribcage

  contain this heart of yours.

  This magic thing in your chest

  that defies science

  in how many times it breaks

  and brings itself back to life again.

  And every time you thought it dead

  love flowed through it like electricity

  starting up what you thought was dead.

  You spend so much time wondering,

  ‘What gives this thing

  I thought dead

  the energy to start again?’

  The answer lies in that 80 per cent

  of your heart you have not yet channeled.

  There are stars glittering inside you

  that have never been handled.

  This, the dark matter of you

  hides an immeasurable amount of strength

  and an impossible amount of energy.

  It lies dormant,

  solid and silent, like the 80 per cent

  of space yet unexplored.

  This means that when you believe you are empty

  that the world has drained you completely,

  there is still an impossible amount of your strength

  simply awaiting discovery.

  The dark matter of you,

  a powerhouse of impossibility.

  Which goes to show you

  the resilient human heart is a thing

  of intergalactic,

  interwoven,

  incredible rarity.

  Venus

  Decide tonight,

  to take a lesson from Venus,

  she shines brighter than any planet.

  A morning

  and evening star,

  in our endless sky.

  She hasn’t a single moon

  to worship her

  or to cloud her judgement.

  She is alone.

  And oh

  how brilliantly she shines.

  The Sun and the Moon

  Aim for a love

  that reminds you

  of the devotion

  the sun has to the moon.

  Whether she is in fractions

  or she is whole,

  he still shrouds his intense light

  in the darkness of the night.

  To give her the entire sky,

  without judgement,

  so she can shine in any way

  she wants to.

  You deserve someone

  who adores you

  on the days you are

  in broken fragments too.

  You deserve someone

  who lets you glow

  in every way

  you need to.

  Dark Days

  On the darkest days,

  I look at the stars,

  and marvel at

  the patchwork of time

  staring back at me.

  Not a single burst of starlight is the same age,

  some of these stars

  are born billions of years apart,

  yet travel through time together

  making this beautiful piece of art.

  Sometime, somewhere,

  these stars have already encountered

  a better version of me

  on her best day looking up at them

  and thanking them for helping me see.

  Your Heart is not a Hospital

  Your body is not a first aid kit

  for broken people

  and damaged souls

  and hearts that are too tired

  to fix themselves.

  Your heart is not a hospital

  to rejuvenate

  and spend all of its life blood

  on other people’s problems

  and sadnesses.

  You have been created

  from the blood

  of incalculable planets

  and immense supernovas

  and infinite constellations.

  And they didn’t spend years

  painting your soul

  into masterpiece-like existence

  for you to waste it on someone

  who doesn’t appreciate you.

  A Conversation with My Mental Illness

  Every sleepless night I am interrogated

  by the darkness that lives inside of me.

  It says to me:

  ‘You are pointless.’

  I respond:

  ‘No one in this world is pointless.’

  It scowls at me:

  ‘You are a terrible person.’

  I admit:

  ‘I am a good person who did terrible things.’

  It rages at me:

  ‘No one needs you.’

  I countered:

  ‘There are people who have adored me.’

  It seethes at me:

  ‘And what of those who hated you?’

  I sigh:

  ‘Being unforgiving of others is a sign of insecurity.’

  It finally explodes:

  ‘I will make sure you always doubt yourself!’

  And every night

  I gather my courage

  as my armour and say:

  ‘And whenever you do,

  I will look at the vastness

  of the ever changing sky

  the presence of a moon

  that helps the sea

  the same sunset that has been going

  around the earth

  for billions of years

  and remind myself

  that the same universe that made them

  and gave them such purpose

  also made me.

  And nothing you say to me

  will ever convince me otherwise

  because that is a fact

  I will never question about my journey.’

  Unlearning

  Womanhood

  is rich with unlearning.

  How to unlearn the way

  you hate your body,
/>   how to rebuild your spirit

  after the supernova of love

  finally bursts,

  how to understand that

  there are a million

  new versions of you,

  hiding under your skin.

  How each one is born

  from suffering agonisingly,

  unlearning what others

  want you and your body to be,

  finding moments

  and seconds by metaphors

  in everything

  that make you feel good

  make you feel

  how you are supposed

  to feel.

  Reiterating them

  till there is finally understanding

  and accepting,

  inside your very soul

  the only thing that truly matters

  is how often you say

  on your journey,

  ‘This, all of this,

  is for me.’

  Black Hole

  In space,

  a black hole

  is an expanse of cosmos

  having a pull so great

  that nothing,

  no matter

  can escape.

  In human beings,

  a black hole

  is spending your energy

  loving someone

  who takes all of your love

  and gives back nothing

  in return.

  Ghost Story

  Ask me my favourite ghost story

  and I will tell you the one

  about your haunted house heart

  still housing all the people you used to be.

  The child inside you

  you thought life had taken

  the person who was full of joy

  that tragedy had broken.

  You imagined they had left you

  that those parts of you

  that made you incandescent

  and valuable are gone.

  What no one ever told you

  was that nothing ever really dies

 

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