by Gill, Nikita
Copyright
Copyright © 2017 by Nikita Gill
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ISBN 978-0-316-51983-0
E3-20171006-JV-PC
For you
and all the fires
you will
give birth to.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Untitled I
Miracle
Multiverse
The Meaning of a Day
The Possibility in Impossibility
Growth
Dark Matter
Venus
The Sun and the Moon
Dark Days
Your Heart is not a Hospital
A Conversation with My Mental Illness
Unlearning
Black Hole
Ghost Story
Lonely
Endings
Untitled II
Witch
Magic
Dragon’s Breath
Sorcery
With Love From Midnight
The Art of Unmissing
Wolves
Your Trauma
When Love Dies
Burning
Why I am Magic
The Well Spoken Heart
Conjuring
Wolf and Woman
Anger
Learned Helplessness
An Ocean Called Healing
Baptism
Graveyards and Gardens
Your Torment Has Meaning
The Bones of Trauma
Homes
Forgiveness
Reminders about Healing
Toxic People
Reminiscences
Memories
Love and the Moon
Reinvention
I Love You
Statistics
For Her
Untitled III
Sleeping Beauty
Belle
Ariel
Snow White
Cinderella
Little Red Riding Hood
Alice in Wonderland
Heroes
Girls of the Wild
Untitled IV
Who You Are
The Epiphany
Loving What is Broken
The Becoming
When the Monster Calls
Survival
Journey
Boys will be Boys
Three Sentences
Hostage
Silence
Untitled V
The Truth about Art
Fire
Wild
Weathered
Why She Stayed
Her Skin
You are Everything
Desecration
Mythology
Untitled VI
Helen
Aphrodite
Artemis
Athena
Persephone
Hera
Demeter
Untitled VII
Too Much
Daughters
Courage
Son
Self Care
Let Go
Secret Language
Fossilised Love
Hunted
Primitive
Precipice of Loss
Reset
Surviving
Therapy
Small Magic
Temporary
Pandora’s Box
Temple
Questions to Ask Yourself
Value
Pieces
Time
Belonging
Haunted
Nurture
Blossom
My Monsters
Never Forget
Fuel
Three Versions of You
Earth
Planets and Stars
Bedtime Stories
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Newsletters
Someone I loved once told me that there are fragments within us that are the same age as the universe, and because we are matter, we can never be destroyed. That a part of us will live forever and ever, and that in making us the universe was celebrating itself, we are its living, breathing joy.
Miracle
It took 3.8 billion years
of triumphant evolution,
remarkable collision,
an unbelievable confluence
made by sheer will and influence
of this infinite universe
and all of the stars
to get you here.
I hope you never doubt again
that even when you are in pain,
that you are a miracle,
that every part of you is incredible.
Multiverse
The growing, aching quiet of this home
has led me to reading space theories.
The notions are slowly wrapping around my bones,
settling between my heart and ribcage with intricacy.
When I feel most bereft in this aching grief,
I find soothing in the words of a philosopher.
William James explained the multiverse in brief,
but with the foresight of an astronomer.
He spoke of time as a non-linear vision,
that the universe is not one but many,
a different one spun off every one of our decisions,
therefore the versions of us that exist are plenty.
How comforting to think
that there are so many universes.
Perhaps one where the Titanic did not sink,
one where humanity is kind to the earth, not a curse.
Possibly one where magic is real
where faith is rewarded instead of scorned.
And perhaps even one where I do not grieve,
because you are alive and I have no need to mourn.
The Meaning of a Day
Each new dawn brings with it
15 new reasons for laughs,
100,000 new heartbeats in your chest,
your lifeblood voyages 168,000,000 miles.
And each new morning on this earth translates
7,200 earthquakes in the upcoming 24 hours.
More than 18,000 thunderstorms,
our planet is struck by lightning 8.6 million times.
And in space?
The passing of a day
means the wondrous birth of
approximately 275 billion stars.
This is why every day
is an opportunity for reb
irth.
That is why no matter what they say,
you must never underestimate your own worth.
The Possibility in Impossibility
Yesterday, you spoke to me
about impossibilities
and how certain relationships
lives and moments were not destined to be.
For you, I collected these;
in hope that if you do not trust me,
at least you will believe
these facts from the galaxies.
On Venus (and yes, I know, you will find this bizarre),
it snows in metal and rains in sulphuric acid
and a teaspoon of a dancing neutron star
weighs more than everyone together in the world.
What I am trying to say, my darling,
is that I know you said you wouldn’t survive this day
but across our beautiful universe,
what is impossible is happening every day.
Growth
Maybe the true meaning of life
is to understand that
you have never been
in the same physical place twice,
not even within your own home.
You see, the earth,
the solar system
and the galaxy are all moving
through space
constantly.
And from this,
you learn that growth
is an essential part
of flowing,
of being.
That growth is simply
learning how to suffer,
gracefully, elegantly
constantly moving and travelling
without letting your pain tear you apart.
And take solace in the fact
that even though growth itself is agonising
your spirit was never meant
to feel the same pain,
the same grief twice.
Dark Matter
There is grace in the way
the sinews of your ribcage
contain this heart of yours.
This magic thing in your chest
that defies science
in how many times it breaks
and brings itself back to life again.
And every time you thought it dead
love flowed through it like electricity
starting up what you thought was dead.
You spend so much time wondering,
‘What gives this thing
I thought dead
the energy to start again?’
The answer lies in that 80 per cent
of your heart you have not yet channeled.
There are stars glittering inside you
that have never been handled.
This, the dark matter of you
hides an immeasurable amount of strength
and an impossible amount of energy.
It lies dormant,
solid and silent, like the 80 per cent
of space yet unexplored.
This means that when you believe you are empty
that the world has drained you completely,
there is still an impossible amount of your strength
simply awaiting discovery.
The dark matter of you,
a powerhouse of impossibility.
Which goes to show you
the resilient human heart is a thing
of intergalactic,
interwoven,
incredible rarity.
Venus
Decide tonight,
to take a lesson from Venus,
she shines brighter than any planet.
A morning
and evening star,
in our endless sky.
She hasn’t a single moon
to worship her
or to cloud her judgement.
She is alone.
And oh
how brilliantly she shines.
The Sun and the Moon
Aim for a love
that reminds you
of the devotion
the sun has to the moon.
Whether she is in fractions
or she is whole,
he still shrouds his intense light
in the darkness of the night.
To give her the entire sky,
without judgement,
so she can shine in any way
she wants to.
You deserve someone
who adores you
on the days you are
in broken fragments too.
You deserve someone
who lets you glow
in every way
you need to.
Dark Days
On the darkest days,
I look at the stars,
and marvel at
the patchwork of time
staring back at me.
Not a single burst of starlight is the same age,
some of these stars
are born billions of years apart,
yet travel through time together
making this beautiful piece of art.
Sometime, somewhere,
these stars have already encountered
a better version of me
on her best day looking up at them
and thanking them for helping me see.
Your Heart is not a Hospital
Your body is not a first aid kit
for broken people
and damaged souls
and hearts that are too tired
to fix themselves.
Your heart is not a hospital
to rejuvenate
and spend all of its life blood
on other people’s problems
and sadnesses.
You have been created
from the blood
of incalculable planets
and immense supernovas
and infinite constellations.
And they didn’t spend years
painting your soul
into masterpiece-like existence
for you to waste it on someone
who doesn’t appreciate you.
A Conversation with My Mental Illness
Every sleepless night I am interrogated
by the darkness that lives inside of me.
It says to me:
‘You are pointless.’
I respond:
‘No one in this world is pointless.’
It scowls at me:
‘You are a terrible person.’
I admit:
‘I am a good person who did terrible things.’
It rages at me:
‘No one needs you.’
I countered:
‘There are people who have adored me.’
It seethes at me:
‘And what of those who hated you?’
I sigh:
‘Being unforgiving of others is a sign of insecurity.’
It finally explodes:
‘I will make sure you always doubt yourself!’
And every night
I gather my courage
as my armour and say:
‘And whenever you do,
I will look at the vastness
of the ever changing sky
the presence of a moon
that helps the sea
the same sunset that has been going
around the earth
for billions of years
and remind myself
that the same universe that made them
and gave them such purpose
also made me.
And nothing you say to me
will ever convince me otherwise
because that is a fact
I will never question about my journey.’
Unlearning
Womanhood
is rich with unlearning.
How to unlearn the way
you hate your body,
after the supernova of love
finally bursts,
how to understand that
there are a million
new versions of you,
hiding under your skin.
How each one is born
from suffering agonisingly,
unlearning what others
want you and your body to be,
finding moments
and seconds by metaphors
in everything
that make you feel good
make you feel
how you are supposed
to feel.
Reiterating them
till there is finally understanding
and accepting,
inside your very soul
the only thing that truly matters
is how often you say
on your journey,
‘This, all of this,
is for me.’
Black Hole
In space,
a black hole
is an expanse of cosmos
having a pull so great
that nothing,
no matter
can escape.
In human beings,
a black hole
is spending your energy
loving someone
who takes all of your love
and gives back nothing
in return.
Ghost Story
Ask me my favourite ghost story
and I will tell you the one
about your haunted house heart
still housing all the people you used to be.
The child inside you
you thought life had taken
the person who was full of joy
that tragedy had broken.
You imagined they had left you
that those parts of you
that made you incandescent
and valuable are gone.
What no one ever told you
was that nothing ever really dies