by M. E. Carter
“Yeah, well he’s around.” I run my fingers through the fringe on my favorite pillow, calming myself. “I ran into him at the store last night.”
Her chair stops swiveling and I know she wasn’t expecting that news. “How did it go when you saw him?”
I blow out a breath, gathering my thoughts. I want to downplay it all—convince her of how strong I am. But I don’t feel strong and Kiersten’s right, I’m not being honest with anyone, least of all myself. This is the safest place to let my guard down and I have to do it if I’m ever going to heal completely.
“It was terrifying.” I think back to the moment he realized I was watching him, allowing all the details to come into focus. “He gave me this… smile, like he knew what he was doing to me, how I was feeling this intense fear and it’s what he wanted. He wanted me to be afraid. But that’s not likely right?”
I want her to agree with me. If she does, it means everyone has overreacted. More than anything I want that to be the case. Overreaction means I’m safer than everyone thinks. I also know better than to think Dr. Rhonda is going to give me the answer I want to hear.
“Depends on the person. Some abusers just snap and feel some form of remorse later. Others find it to be a game. There’s no way I can know for sure. Best way to proceed, though, is to listen to your gut with this.” My shoulders slouch. That’s not what I wanted to hear because I know exactly what my gut says.
She leans forward, placing her elbows on her knees. “My question for you is, how does the situation make you feel?”
“Completely out of control.” I realize that’s the first time I’ve said it out loud. But I’m so tired of hiding. I can feel the frustration beginning to bubble to the surface and my words aren’t far behind. “I’m always looking over my shoulder and my nightmares are back in full force so I can’t even escape him when I’m sleeping. And don’t get me started on my family. They’re great and I know they’re just trying to help but it’s so annoying having my sister and her boyfriend babysitting me all the time. Oh, and that doesn’t include their friends. I already know what’s about to happen. There’s going to be a rotation of guys who think they’re bouncers at the bar every time I work keeping an eye out for me.”
“Is that such a bad thing right now?”
Automatically, my mouth opens to say yes, yes it’s a bad thing, but I stop myself.
“No,” I admit quietly. “It’s really nice that I have so many people who love me. I just… I just wish I could protect myself.”
“Why can’t you?”
I worry my lip for a few minutes, my thoughts spinning. There may be a way I can take my power back, I just don’t know if I’m strong enough yet. Then again, maybe Dr. Rhonda would be able to help me figure it out.
“I was kind of thinking… I don’t know if maybe it’s too late and I can’t do it or something. It was just a thought.” I rub my fingers together nervously as I consider whether I can even say it out loud.
“What kind of thought?”
I still hesitate. What if I’m wrong? What if I can’t do this?
“We’re just talking Nicole,” Dr. Rhonda soothes. “Tossing around ideas to see what might work. There’s no commitment on your part at this point.”
That’s true. I don’t have to do anything. I can just ask her about it. No one has to know. “I was wondering if maybe I could get a protection order or something. Do you think I could do that so he’d have to stay away from me?”
“Sure.” She sits up again, her chair beginning to move. “I think that might be a good idea. It gives you a little peace of mind, but also gives you some legal recourse.”
“Okay.”
“Have you inquired about one yet?”
“No. I don’t even know who to call. It wasn’t in this county so do I call them or call someone here? Does it cost money? I have no idea where to begin.”
“I’m sure you could call the police non-emergency line and someone could give you the information on where to start. Again, there’s no pressure to follow through. Just gather the information first so you can make an informed decision.”
She stands up from her chair and grabs her phone off the desk. “Would you like me to look up the phone number? Again, you don’t have to use it, but it’s one less thing you have to sort out if you decide to call.”
I take a deep breath and nod quickly before I can change my mind. There’s no harm in just asking some questions, right? It would never even get back to him. I think.
I’m terrified of what the fallout might mean if I decide to pursue a restraining order. But as I think about it, I realize that the fear of pursuing an order of protection is more acute because it’s immediate. The fear of not knowing when he’ll show up or what he might say runs deep down into my soul, lingering and showing up at random times.
It’s like the difference between cutting my finger with a knife and breaking my finger. The knife hurts, but it heals relatively quickly and then it’s over and done with, a scar left in its place but one that fades over time, never to be thought of again.
On the other hand, a break seems never-ending and even leaves some phantom pains behind that come up regularly.
I don’t want that. I’d rather the knife because I want to never have to think of Jeremy again.
Mind made up, I gratefully take the sticky note from Dr. Rhonda when she hands it to me. Looking at her meticulous cursive writing, I realize my decision is made.
It’s time for me to take back my control, for myself and any other woman he decides is his next target. I know exactly what I have to do.
Chapter Sixteen
Kade
In true “my luck” fashion, I got stuck working on Halloween, which means we have to dress in costume today. I went the easy route and asked Jaxon to borrow some scrubs so I could pretend to be a doctor. Suddenly, I understand the appeal of wearing this uniform. It’s like I’m wearing pajamas at work.
The downside is the pants are thin and if I spill, I may become the world’s worst wet t-shirt contestant. But the comfort level makes it worth it.
Tammy came dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein and even I have to admit she looks amazing. I knew she had thick hair, but I had no idea how much of it there is until she stuck it all up straight. I don’t know if she thinks there’s a costume contest later, but she’d win if there was.
She’s also overly happy to have a packed house tonight. Her laughter has filled the room since the doors opened, enjoying all the costumes and dropping “treats” on the tables for her favorite customers. They love it.
If I’d known a mini Snickers could make some of these guys tip better, I would have brought some long ago.
“Hey, Kade. We are running low on glow sticks.” Nicole’s dark-rimmed eyes startle me even though I’ve been looking at them for hours. She decided to come as a zombie, complete with ripped clothing, a pale face with dark-rimmed eyes, and hair that I’m pretty sure she never brushed today.
She’s the prettiest zombie I’ve ever seen. Except those eyes that keep freaking me out.
“I’m going to grab some from the back while we’re slow.”
Slow is a relative term, but at least we don’t have a line at the bar anymore.
“Sure. Go ahead. And can you see if we have any more dry ice back there? I’ve made more Swamp Sippers than I expected.”
“Sure.”
She takes off to the back, patting Frankie on the arm as she walks by. He’s been hanging out on a stool, drinking water and watching Sports Center all night. Unless the door opens. Then he stares down anyone who walks in. It makes me feel better knowing he’s here in case there’s trouble.
I continue to mix and pour, Tammy taking orders left and right. Even with our specialty drinks today, it feels like mindless work. Mindless enough that I have time to think about how Nicole seems different today. Lighter. It’s like something shifted with her since her therapy appointment the other day. I don’t ask because it’s not
my business, but whatever it was, I’m grateful to her therapist for it.
The door opens and a couple dressed as what I think is Abbott and Costello walks in and takes a seat at one of the high-top tables. Frankie glares at them, then determines they’re harmless and goes back to Sports Center. Without missing a beat, Tammy is taking their order.
Tucker Hayes sits down at the bar at the same time, an almost full beer in his hand. He’s one of the few here who didn’t dress up for the holiday. Unless you consider the ball cap hiding his floppy hair as dressing up.
“Hey man,” I greet without slowing down on my mixing. “Having a good time?”
Tucker smiles as he glances around the room. “I am. I wasn’t sure what to expect tonight, but everyone in costume and creepy music wasn’t it.”
“We’re just trying to be festive tonight. Bring a little magic to the day. Have you tried one of the Halloween drinks? Even I have to admit it’s kind of cool seeing the dry ice do its magic.”
Tucker takes a swig of his beer. “I’ve seen them but I think I’ll stick with this. I feel like those things may be more fun to look at than drink.”
We both watch as I drop the last ingredient into the drink I’m mixing and smoke begins pouring over the lip of the glass. I’ve seen a few people cough while trying not to breathe in the smoke.
“Can I get you another beer then?”
“Sure.” He begins peeling the label off his bottle and I have the distinct impression he’s trying to build up some nerve. I’m just not sure for what.
“Can I ask you a question?” he finally asks, my curiosity piqued after several long seconds of silence from him.
“Hit me.” I place the last of Tammy’s orders on a fresh tray so she can just grab them and go, then turn my attention to Tucker. “What’s up?”
“Is she taken?”
My eyebrows raise along with my defenses because I know exactly who he’s talking about. But I play dumb. I need to hear him say it out loud just in case I’m overreacting.
“Come on, man. You know who I’m talking about,” he pleads. I’ve never seen him nervous like this. Normally Tucker is the life of the party. I don’t like that he’s interested enough to be nervous about asking. But I won’t let him wuss out either. If he’s going to try to pursue Nicole, she deserves for him to man up.
Finally, he relents, knowing I’m not giving him even an inch. “Nicole. Is Nicole single?”
“She’s not available, man.”
The words are out before I can stop them. I didn’t intend to sound rude, nor did I intend to fudge the truth. But I can’t help how possessive I feel over her.
My harsh tone wasn’t missed by Tucker who looks taken aback. “Oh sorry, man. I didn’t realize you guys were together.”
“We’re not.”
He squeezes his eyes shut and then opens them, his brows furrowed in confusion. “But you said she’s not available? Wait. Is she a lesbian?”
I roll my eyes. Such a stereotype to assume a woman who is unavailable to date must be gay. “No. Just… there’s a lot happening right now. Leave her alone okay?”
“Does this have anything to do with what happened that night?”
I had forgotten Tucker was here when Jeremy showed up. It makes sense that he would finally put it together. I know I’m crossing a line with the conversation, but knowing someone else is interested in her, someone who can give her everything she deserves, is like a stab right in my heart. With that feeling overwhelming me, I give him another half-truth.
“Yes.” The air shifts and I feel her slide back behind the counter. Glancing over my shoulder, I see her putting a new bag of glow sticks on the shelf behind us. Turning back to Tucker, I lower my volume. “Give her some time to work through all of that, okay?”
Tucker nods his response and immediately flashes a giant smile as Nicole approaches.
“Hey Nicole. Nice Zombie outfit.”
She smiles right back at him, oblivious to the conversation she just walked in on. “Hi Tucker. Nice… normal clothes you’ve got on.”
I place the fresh beer in front of him. “Yeah, I’m not a huge Halloween fan.”
“Too bad. I just brought out some brand-new glow sticks. Maybe if you’re nice, I’ll give you one just so you can be part of the party.”
“I can hardly wait,” he says sarcastically as she turns to me.
“I didn’t find any more dry ice, but it might be in the liquor closet…”
Her words taper off and the bottle of beer she was holding drops to the floor, shattering glass and liquid everywhere. Her face pales to a shade lighter than the makeup she’s wearing and she looks like she’s seen a ghost. I grab her arm, steadying her. “What’s wrong?”
It’s then that I notice she can’t take her eyes off at the couple that just came in, Abbott and Costello. I look at them a little closer and the realization hits me out of nowhere.
“That’s him isn’t it?”
She nods and takes a step back.
Frankie looks up and I gesture to him, hoping he understands my signal.
I feel so stupid. I’ve seen Jeremy before. I should know what he looks like. But the last time he was here, it all happened so fast, in my mind his facial features are fuzzy.
But now that the breaking bottle has caught that asshole’s attention and he’s facing this way, I recognize the cocky air around him. I want to wipe that arrogant smirk off his face. He’s here specifically so he can terrorize Nicole on purpose. I know it and he knows it.
Anger surges through my veins, but I’m not the only one.
“Which one.” Frankie doesn’t ask. He demands an answer and I have no problem giving it to him.
Gesturing with my head so I don’t have to let Nicole go, I give Frankie what he wants. “The guy who just walked in sitting at the high top table with the brunette. Abbott and Costello.”
Frankie stalks off, Tucker flanking him. It’s then that I notice several others have stood up, all recognizing something serious is going down. They’re not my concern, though. Nicole is.
Turning back to her, I run my hands down her arms, her touch calming my own nerves. It’s like a constant reminder that she’s still here in front of me, since my adrenaline seems to still be unconvinced. “Are you okay?”
My heart breaks when she shakes her head.
“What can I do? Anything. Tell me and I’ll do whatever it takes to make this better.”
“Nothing,” she says, refusing to take her eyes off the man of her nightmares. “There’s nothing you can do, Kade. I’m the only one who can stop this.”
Her body shakes beneath my hand, though her voice has an eerie calm to it.
I take one step closer. “What does that mean?”
“You can’t kick me out every time, Nicole!” a voice suddenly yells from across the room. “I live here now! I have a right to be in public places even if you don’t want me around!”
I want to jump over the counter and punch Jeremy in the face to knock him down a few pegs, but Frankie’s got it covered. He pushes the asshole, making him stumble. “Get out of here, man. This is a private establishment and you aren’t welcome here.”
“Don’t fucking touch me, douchebag.”
Jeremy gets right in Frankie’s face, like he’s ready to fight. Frankie bucks up to him, not threatened at all. He has a few inches on Jeremy, but the important part is how much broader he is. Jeremy may be big compared to the women he likes to date, but Frankie would pummel him and he knows it. When Tucker takes a step closer too, standing next to Frankie with arms crossed over broad shoulders, Jeremy knows he’s lost this battle before it even began.
Whoever the woman is, she grabs at Jeremy’s arm. “Please, baby. Let’s just go, okay? There are other bars and parties, right? Please.”
It’s clear he’s trying to decide how to get out of this with his pride intact, but he’ll get no help from anyone here. Finally, he backs down.
“Whatever man,” he
spits out as he takes a few steps back. “This place is a shit hole anyway.” Glancing around the room, he sees all eyes on him and decides for one last dig. “Watch yourself after drinking anything that dirty whore makes.” He points right at Nicole but has the smarts to keep moving. “You don’t where she’s been. I know the shit she’s done. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.”
Nicole gasps but I pull her closer to me, as if I can protect her from his harsh words.
“Better walk faster, asshole, before I have to help you out the door,” Frankie threatens. I know he doesn’t want to fight, that his coach wouldn’t be happy if he showed up at practice with a black eye. But I also know it’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make if necessary.
Fortunately, Jeremy knows it too. “Let’s go,” he says to the woman who takes one last look at everyone, obviously confused by where all the bad blood has come from. And yet, she follows him.
As soon as the door closes behind them, the tension begins to disappear from the bar, customers happily returning to their good time at Tammy’s insistence.
Back here, it’s a different story. “Really, are you okay?”
I’m surprised she’s still standing upright but to her credit, Nicole’s breathing is steady and there is a fire in her eyes I haven’t seen before.
“I’m fine. I know what I have to do.”
I don’t know what that means, but from the resolve on her face, she’s ready to get it done.
Chapter Seventeen
Nicole
I should have worn layers. Police stations are always cold.
Or maybe they aren’t, but my body can’t stop shaking and I just think I’m cold.
Or maybe it’s nerves.
Either way, I could use an extra layer of warmth to help steady me because I’m so nervous I can hardly stand it.
I know coming here is the right thing to do. I have to take some steps for my own personal safety, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t scare me so badly I want to run away. I won’t though. I refuse. I need to get this done.
My sister’s hand suddenly covers mine and squeezes. I grab onto her for dear life, thankful she knows how hard this is and is here to help me through it.