The Shelf

by Helly Acton

  Amy stares at him for a few seconds.

  ‘So, you’re saying I should confront people if they’re doing something that makes me feel deeply unhappy?’

  ‘Yes, exactly.’

  ‘Well, Dr Hicks, I feel deeply unhappy about having this conversation with you right now. I’m really not in the mood.’

  ‘I can see you aren’t in the mood for talking, Amy. Thank you for coming in anyway.’ He smiles as he picks up his iPad and stands up. ‘There’s just one more thing we need you to do.’

  A familiar face enters the Therapy Room with a piece of paper in his hand.

  Thirty-Seven

  ‘What is all this?’ Amy asks Sam the producer as he lets Dr Hicks out of the Therapy Room through a side door.

  Sam smiles as he gestures for her to sit down again and hands her the paper and a pen.

  ‘A test?’ Amy asks, looking down at the front cover.

  Amy Wright: Progress Assessment

  ‘We want to try and establish what you’ve learnt since you’ve been on the show,’ Sam says. ‘It’s a chance for us to find out if we can fairly crown you The Keeper in two days if the votes swing that way. If you’ve made no progress since being here, we’re going to struggle to hand over a million pounds. That’s a lot of money for doing nothing.’

  ‘Isn’t that up to the public?’ she asks, flicking through the pages.

  ‘Ultimately, yes. But as we approach the end of the show, we need to start filtering. We can’t have three girls in the final. So, all three of you are taking this exam and the housemate with the lowest score will be evicted.’

  ‘Wait, what? Why didn’t you tell us about this before?’ Amy cries. ‘You could have at least given us a chance to … I don’t know … revise, or something.’ Her voice fades as she turns the page and sees how short the test is.

  ‘You’ve got fifteen minutes to answer all the questions in front of you, and you’ll see why you didn’t need to revise.’ He’s already walking towards the door. ‘Some of the multiple choice options are … absurd.’

  As he opens the door to leave the Therapy Room, he turns back to Amy.

  ‘Amy, I just want to say that we aren’t all like the men you see on The Wall. Or your exes. And I think you’re all doing great, given the circumstances. I really hope you don’t leave here thinking that all men are trash and there’s no hope. That wasn’t our intention. Our intention was to help get you out of bad relationships, get you thinking about what would make you happy and send you off with a positive outlook. I think some of that’s been lost in translation. And I’m personally sorry about that. There may have been questionable choices made along the way.’

  Amy stares at him. ‘We’re fine, Sam. We can handle it. We don’t need you to worry about us.’

  He returns her stare for a few seconds before closing the door behind him and leaving Amy running her eyes over the front page.

  PART I: PRACTICAL ASSESSMENT

  Multiple choice

  1. Oh, Baby!

  Your baby isn’t going to sleep and you’re exhausted. What do you do?

  a. Turn up the TV to drown out their cries.

  b. Leave the house to get some peace and quiet.

  c. Continue with your chosen routine and sleep when they sleep.

  Oh, come on.

  2. Keep CALM

  Your boyfriend is out with friends. He says he’ll be home at 7 p.m. to eat the supper you’ve made specially, but he still isn’t home at 11 p.m. What do you do?

  a. Throw his supper in the bin and leave an angry note on the fridge.

  b. Sleep on your response, ask him for an apology in the morning and move on.

  c. Eat his supper and wait in the dark for him to return, then unleash hell.

  I’d love to see what responses Jackie’s choosing.

  3. Beauty School Soldiers

  What does make-up have the power to do?

  a. Stop your husband from leaving you for a younger woman.

  b. Highlight your natural features and make you feel confident.

  c. Hide your real face so you can pretend to be someone else.

  Lol.

  4. Keep ’Em Keen

  There are eight rules for holding onto a man. Which of the below is not one of them?

  a. Chill out.

  b. Make more effort in bed.

  c. Say I love you more often.

  The last point was one of Amy’s pet peeves with Jamie. She always said ‘I love you’ first. He never said it back. If he did respond, it would be with a robotic ‘yeah, me too’. She teased him about it once and he told her that saying ‘I love you’ didn’t mean anything when you said it all the time. She wanted to reply: But you never say it, so surely once in a while would mean something. But she didn’t bother.

  5. Keep ’Em Keen

  According to our survey, what is the most important rule to follow?

  a. Don’t let yourself go.

  b. Don’t complain. Don’t control. Don’t neglect.

  c. Make more effort in bed.

  6. Isn’t She Lovely?

  You’ve found a man with husband potential. How do you dress for your first date?

  a. A revealing minidress that shows a lot of flesh.

  b. A loose T-shirt, baggy jeans and trainers.

  c. A slim-fitting knee-length white dress that doesn’t show too much cleavage.

  7. Isn’t She Lovely?

  Where should you position your knife and fork when you have finished eating your food?

  a. 6.30.

  b. Off the plate.

  c. I don’t care.

  8. Isn’t She Lovely?

  What is the correct way to eat peas?

  a. With a spoon.

  b. Individually with your fork.

  c. Crush them with the back of your fork or stick them together with mashed potato.

  While the questions are ridiculous, Amy has learnt a surprising amount since she’s been here. Nothing to do with this exam paper. She’s learnt that she can be happy alone. And that she has so much to look forward to when she leaves, whether that’s tonight or on Friday. Her stomach cramps with excitement when she realises just how close she is to reaching the final, and being set free to get on that plane.

  Thirty-Eight

  ‘Credit where credit’s due, Flick,’ Jackie says, putting her knife and fork on her plate at 5.15. ‘Your views might stink, but that tagine was the best I’ve ever had. I’d say if only you talked less and cooked more, but then I’d sound just like Simon, I suppose.’

  ‘Why did you have to ruin a lovely compliment with that last part?’

  ‘So, how do you think we all did yesterday?’ asks Amy, changing the subject. ‘In the exam, I mean.’

  ‘The questions were ridiculously easy,’ Flick answers. ‘A two-year-old could have passed.’

  Jackie swirls her prosecco. ‘Well, how could you have learnt anything in here when you’re already a keeper?’

  ‘Actually, I think I have learnt something. But it’s nothing to do with being a keeper – because, of course, you’re right, I already am one.’ She smiles. ‘I’ve learnt something about myself. And that is, you’ll be shocked to hear, that I miss the surgery. I miss my patients.’

  ‘You miss working?’ Amy asks.

  ‘Yes, I do. Helping Gemma is what brought it on. And that note from Emma. I miss looking after people other than Simon. So, I’m considering going back when I leave. Not full-time – probably a couple of days a week. I think it’ll be enough of a balance. I’ll need to talk to Simon about it, obviously. About that, and maybe a few other things.’ She sips her coffee and glances at Amy.

  ‘Next thing you know you’ll be marching with placards in Parliament Square,’ says Jackie.

  ‘Well, I’ve learnt a lot more than stupid rules on how to keep a man or dress for a tea party since being on here,’ says Amy. ‘Mainly, that it’s OK to be me. In my next relationship, if that ever happens, I’m not going to pretend to b
e someone different at the start just to make them like me. Or worse, just in case they dump me. I’m going to speak up when I’m unhappy about something and trust that if he’s right for me, he won’t be scared away. Because he’ll like me for me and everything I come with.’

  ‘Quite right too,’ adds Jackie. ‘I’ve learnt that my dad can probably survive without seeing me every day and that I don’t need to feel guilty about him the whole time. You heard him, living it up with his church mates. And when it does come to meeting someone, if that ever happens …’ She pauses and looks at Amy. ‘They’re going to have to be confident enough to let Dad and I have our time together, instead of feeling threatened by it.’

  ‘Actually, wanting to start at the surgery again isn’t the only thing I’ve learnt on here. I’ve learnt that no matter how much you do for someone, no matter how much you sacrifice,’ Flick’s voice cracks to a whisper, ‘you can’t force them to do what they don’t want to do. You can’t force someone to love you.’ She closes her eyes to plug her tears, taking a few seconds to compose herself. ‘You can lavish them with attention, you can attend to their every need, you can make every effort not to let yourself go – but it doesn’t mean they won’t break their promises to you.’

  ‘Flick, you’ve tried your best. That’s all you can do.’ Amy takes her hand.

  ‘Housemates. Will you please come to the living room.’

  Adam’s in a graduation gown and cap, standing behind a podium on stage.

  ‘Welcome, audience, and class of 2020. Please do take your seats for what will be a night full of glory for some, and shame for others. It gives me great pleasure to announce that this year’s top student is – you probably guessed it – Miss Felicity Brimble! Felicity, if you could stand up, please.’

  She sighs as she does.

  ‘Well done, Miss Brimble – you got an A. And you know what that means, don’t you? You’ve made it through to the final tomorrow!’

  Confetti falls down onto the stage from above and the audience cheer.

  ‘That’s right – you can rest easy knowing all that hard work has paid off. Now, ladies and gentlemen, that leaves us with two housemates. But only one of them can go through. Everything rests on their tests, the results of which I can reveal now. Amy, your performance in this assessment was average. I mean, everyone knows that you eat peas by squashing them or eating them with mash!’

  Really?

  ‘And now for our last contestant, Jackie.’

  Adam takes his fake spectacles off and puts them on the podium.

  ‘Jackie, you made up all your answers. You don’t fling your knife and fork behind you. You don’t lean over your plate and suck your peas into your mouth like a Hoover. And you don’t hold onto a man by his balls. That leaves you with no points and last in the class. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we’ve reached our decision tonight. It was an easy choice, I can tell you.’

  He walks to the front of the stage and looks into the camera. ‘The housemate leaving us tonight is the contestant who challenged the challenges, the firecracker who took us to task over the tasks. Tonight we’re saying a final farewell to the formidable and the frankly infuriating Jackie Adu!’ He raises his hands and claps.

  The audience are surprisingly loud for the show’s most divisive contestant. And when the cameras turn to the crowds, Amy is thrilled to see a crowd of hundreds of women holding signs in support of Jackie and her message.

  SAVE JACKIE

  WE’RE WITH JACKIE

  THE CONVERSATION DOESN’T END HERE

  ‘Well, ladies, I might be leaving,’ Jackie turns to face them, her hands resting on her suitcase, which she packed the night before, ‘but it looks like I have some work to do out there.’ She sighs and smiles. ‘Ames.’ Jackie turns to her as she opens the door to the house. ‘This show was never going to work on me because I’ll never change. I love being me. This is who I am, and this is who I want to be.’

  Amy thinks of the moment they first met. The bright red lips, the smile that could be seen from space and the laugh that could be heard from even further.

  She never expected to survive this long. Last month she was Plain Old Amy, living her life, moving steadily forward on the escalator of normal life. Now she’s Celebrity Amy Wright, The Shelf Finalist. And although she’s feeling proud of how far she’s come, and bursting with excitement to be leaving soon, seeing Jackie make her exit has filled her with dread. She has got used to the safety of these four walls. Tomorrow, she’ll be leaving too. And whether she’s a winner or loser, she has no idea what kind of storm she’ll walk into.

  The door slams shut.

  And then there were two.

  Thirty-Nine

  ‘I can’t believe we’ve made it to the finals,’ Flick says to Amy, poking at her cereal on the sofa. Amy’s lost her appetite from nerves too.

  ‘Well, we still have a few hours. Who knows what could happen?’ Amy stares out through the glass doors in the living room. She might sound calm, but the truth is she’s been counting everything she can see in the garden, Sarah-style, for the last fifteen minutes.

  ‘Amy and Flick, please take a seat on the living room sofa for your final challenge.’

  The screen flickers on to show Adam Andrews walking down a stage that snakes through an empty car park outside the studio, with a cameraperson following closely behind him. The stage is buzzing with producers, camera equipment and people setting up screens and speakers at various points, which he dodges as he talks into a microphone. As he passes a runner, a sparkler bursts out of the floor and almost knocks him over.

  ‘Woah, careful there, Johnny!’ he shouts into his mic. ‘Cameraperson, stay safe, stay close!’

  ‘Can you hear something?’ Amy says, looking at Flick. There’s a low-level hum coming from outside.

  Flick gets up, walks over to the glass doors and slides them open. The sound of a huge crowd screaming, shouting and whistling floods the living room.

  Adam reaches the end of the stage and turns around.

  ‘It’s behind me, isn’t it?’ he says to the camera.

  The camera zooms out to reveal an enormous crowd gathering by the car park gates. When the crowd see they’re being filmed, they erupt into cheers and hold signs up in the air.

  WE’RE ALL WRIGHT!

  FLICK ME!

  ‘I think that’s where the sound is coming from,’ Flick adds, looking nervous.

  The camera pulls back onto Adam’s face as he inches towards the screen.

  ‘WOAH!’ he screams into the camera, before turning round and running back down the stage, giving Amy and Flick a better glimpse of the size of the crowd. Thousands of people are queuing up for entry, all holding signs in support of either #teamamy or #teamflick.

  ‘Oh my God,’ Amy whispers.

  ‘Are those tents? Have people camped overnight to be here?’ asks Flick.

  The TV cuts to Adam running onto the studio stage, where he turns round and catches his breath.

  ‘Hello, everybody!’ he shouts. ‘So, is it just me, or does it feel like something massive is about to happen?’ He puts a finger to his lips and pretends to think for a few seconds as the audience dies down. ‘Oh yes, that’s it, I remember, it’s only the flipping live final of The Shelf 2020!’

  The theme tune bursts through the speakers and the crowd dances in their seats, with Adam egging them on from the stage, waving his hands in the air.

  When the tune abruptly cuts out, Adam takes his seat, looking into the camera.

  ‘Now, the show still isn’t over yet, folks. Today is the housemates’ final chance to state their case to win before the live voting begins. Like a presidential election, but better, cleverer and way more fun, the girls will deliver a speech in the garden that tells the world why they deserve your vote tonight. Girls, grab your notepads and pens from the front door and start pouring your hearts out. We’ll be back in two hours to hear it all, along with a few special guests.’

 
; Doooong.

  ‘Congratulations, girls!’ screams a familiar and friendly voice. ‘I can’t believe you two have reached the final! Well, I suppose I can because you’re both gorgeous human beings who deserve every happiness.’

  ‘Katie!’

  She gives Amy and Flick dramatic air kisses on both cheeks.

  Amy obliges with a loud lip smack. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘What do you mean, what am I doing here? I wouldn’t miss your Armageddon for the world. It’s time to brush this, blush that and fix you both up for the biggest night of your lives. Haven’t you heard? They’re expecting the highest ratings in the history of Real TV.’

  Amy turns to The Wall. The tweets are flying in so quickly they can’t be read.

  That afternoon, two rows of chairs with VIP labels and an enormous outdoor screen dash Amy’s hopes that she’ll be speaking just to Flick and the gnomes. The four walls of the garden can’t muffle the sporadic cheers from beyond. Each roar is louder than before and makes Amy break out into a sweat.

  Katie styles Amy in a black tuxedo with a crisp white shirt and pointed stilettos, which just peek out under her fashionably oversized trousers. Her lips are scarlet and her hair is slicked back in a high bun, which looks like the chocolate doughnut she can’t wait to eat when she gets out of there.

  ‘It’s very Kourtney Kardashian,’ Katie insists.

  Flick is wearing a halterneck sky-blue dress with matching heeled sandals.

  ‘I feel like we’re getting married. Look, it’s Gemma and Jason!’ Amy shouts, knocking on the glass door and waving. Gemma looks up and waves back, beaming from ear to ear, and then elbows Jason to do the same.