TANGLED

by Simone Elise

  I thought he had more respect for what we had. But I was wrong. I was also wrong when I thought he would respect me. At least be somewhat nice considering our history. But he ignored me. He ignored me when Kayla was there in the morning to pick him up.

  He ignored me when I said hello to him when we were waiting to get in a classroom.

  He even ignored me when were put together in gym.

  It didn’t escape my notice that Kayla was watching his every move. She had eyes on her like a hawk. In fact, I’m sure she spent more time in that module listening to our lack of conversation than she did focusing on the class.

  I got out of my car. I had survived another week. I somehow had made it through without killing Kayla, or letting Kyle see how heartbroken I was. I think I did well.

  Wasn’t until I opened the front door that I wished I had stayed in my car a little bit longer.

  “Oh hi, Soph.” Kayla gave me a smile that she used to give me when we were friends.

  “It’s Sophia.” I couldn’t stop myself from correcting her. But I guess, when I thought about it, I had to admit I didn’t have friends anymore.

  “We are heading to the party, celebrating the guys win tonight. Want to come?” Kayla actually said that like I would join them. What did she want to do—rub her relationship with Kyla in my face more?

  I wanted to bitch slap her for even saying it; instead I stepped out of their way to the front door. I wanted them to leave. I wanted it badly. I couldn’t stand one more second watching them together.

  It made me sick seeing Kyle hold her hand, kiss her cheek, and look at her like she was his number one. He used to look at me like that.

  I kept a pleasant look on my face but wished they would just walk out the front door.

  “Come on, hun, I’ll drive.” Kayla pried herself from Kyle’s side and walked out the door.

  I expected Kyle to follow her right away, but he waited until she was down the porch steps and unlocking her car. Then he stepped in front of me. “Are you ok?” He had a concerned look on his face.

  “Fine.” I wasn’t about to open up to him on how much I was struggling. I wasn’t about to tell him that I was suffering, slowly and painfully, watching him move on from me.

  “Soph, you aren’t fine. You haven’t said one word this week.”

  I frowned. I knew I hadn’t spoken much this week. Actually, when I thought about it, I hadn’t had one conversation with anyone this week. Apart from the yes and no’s to teachers, I hadn’t said anything. Well, when I did go to make conversation it was directed at Kyle and he would ignore me. So I stopped trying.

  I shrugged my shoulders. Wasn’t going to open up to him. Not now. Not ever.

  I can’t believe it’s Friday night and I had gone a week being invisible. Not one person asked how I was. There was a point in time, when I was with Kyle, that I was peppered with useless comments every day—every minute of every hour.

  Now, nothing.

  “You sure you don’t want to come?” Kyle asked, just as Kayla used the horn.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. He couldn’t be serious! Why the hell would I want to go to a party to watch him make out with his girlfriend and then sneak off to the beach to have sex.

  Yeah I knew what Kyle was like at these parties. Knew exactly what he would want form Kayla tonight. He would want her always in reach. And then when he had drunk enough, when he wanted more than just kisses, he would sneak her off to have sex with her.

  He would know I knew his pattern. So why the fuck would he ask me to go!

  The horn went off again and like normal Kayla hated waiting.

  “Bye, Kyle,” I said and crossed my arms.

  He frowned and looked like he wasn’t ready to give up on this conversation. But the horn went again.

  “You should go before she gets your neighbours out,” I said and kept distance between us.

  A look of regret captured his face. He finally nodded his head and walked out the front door, closing it softly behind him and leaving me in the foyer.

  I had been so focused on Kyle—the sound of his breathing and heart beating, his short sharp intake of breathes and long exhales—I didn’t realise I had been so tuned into his body until he left.

  I sighed and heard the television going in the lounge.

  I followed the noise and found Josh. I didn’t want to disturb him. But he happened to glance at the double open door way before I turned to leave. A small smile spread across his lips.

  “You’ve been keeping a low profile this week,” he said, not seeming one bit fazed that I was interrupting him.

  I had been keeping a low profile. I didn’t need to be here to watch more of Kyle and Kayla. I didn’t need to see them be together at school and then being forced to watch them do things that I used to do with Kyle at his house.

  Though Kyle and I were always in his room, Kyle and Kayla were always in the lounge or the dining room, like they wanted to torture me.

  “How’s your week been?” I asked, and I found myself having my first conversation.

  “I think I should be asking you that question.” He gave me a pointed look, like he knew I had a crap week and it was showing on my face. “Well, are you going to come in or just stand in the door way, looking all cold and lonely?”

  I rolled my eyes. I was cold. It had been warm this morning when I left. But as soon as the night came, so did a chill.

  He arched his eyebrows when I didn’t walk in. Sighing, I found myself walking into their open lounge. “You didn’t tell me what your week has been like,” I said and sat down on the couch next to him, but kept a friendly and acceptable gap between us.

  Josh’s face tightened. And I knew then that his week had been as good as mine. I felt bad for him. I didn’t know much about Josh’s new life. But I had read an article that was linking him to bikers.

  Some people go into prison and come out a better person with lessons learned. Others come out more of a criminal more determined to break the law, and with more knowledge on how to get away with it.

  I had a feeling that Josh hadn’t learned a lesson in there. We had rarely talked, but one look at him and the carefree guy he was before he went to prison was gone. He was hardened, more built, that was possible and I think what really had me guarded was, he looked terrifying.

  I still don’t know why he went to prison, Kyle never told me. It was like it was some shameful secret. Which I didn’t get because Josh might have went to prison but he always had a good character. He would never hurt someone on purpose. But then, as I thought that, I remembered how he didn’t handle emotions well—or feelings.

  In fact, he had told me once, just before he went to prison, he said he had never loved anyone, which at the time I didn’t believe because he seemed to love his girlfriend at the time. But then again, he didn’t show love like a normal person. He showed love—well, I think it was love—by protecting those close to him.

  He was up front about not doing feelings or friendships. He didn’t lead you on. He didn’t lie.

  He was serious, yet at the same time he was carefree. Like he didn’t have a worry or concern on his mind. He lived his life a day at a time. That was one of the things I did know for sure about him.

  “Guessing you saw my dipstick of a brother.” Josh grabbed his beer off the coffee table. “It was like they were hovering waiting for you to come in.”

  I had thought that too. “Yeah, well it was just another awkward run-in. Should really get used to them by now.” I shrugged and tucked my legs underneath me. My legs were cold. In fact, my whole body was cold.

  “Getting any easier?”

  My head snapped to look at him. He said that like he knew how much I was struggling. I clamped my lips shut. I wouldn’t tell him or admit to anyone how heartbroken I was.

  Josh gave me a small, sad smile and looked at me with pity.

  I didn’t need pity. And when he kept looking at me with pity, I snapped.

  “Stop l
ooking at me like that! I’m fine!” I wasn’t. I was anything but fine and he kept looking at me like he knew that too.

  “If you are fine then tell me about it.” Josh leaned back into the couch but turned his body slightly towards me. “Tell me what happened.”

  “You know what happened,” I snapped at him again. I was not repeating my heartbreaking and pitiful story to him.

  “He broke up with you and is dating your best friend. You told me that but you didn’t tell me how you were coping.”

  I frowned. Josh didn’t do emotions, he sure as fuck never cared enough about someone else to ask a question or well more of a statement like that.

  “Soph, how are you coping?” he asked, sounding like he really cared about the answer to that question.

  “Fine,” I lied again. I had found myself taking the longest ways to class, avoiding every place where they could be making out. Because Kyle was using the same places that he used to make out with me it was easy to avoid them, but sometimes I couldn’t and I would stumble upon them.

  “You’re more pale than usual. You don’t come home until after ten. You hate being by yourself but you are currently spending all your time by yourself and then there is the look on your face.”

  I frowned. “What look?”

  “A look like you don’t have a heart anymore.”

  My guarded expression dropped. I let him see the ice and numbness that filled me now. I tried my best for no one to see my broken heart. I made sure to put up a front. But right now, it was gone. I was letting Josh see what was left of me, and it wasn’t much.

  I had lost my best friend, my boyfriend, and my personality. I guess, when it came down to it, I had lost myself when I lost them. I didn’t realize how much I depended on them in my life until they were gone.

  Josh’s hand fell on my knee. His hand was warm and large and comforting.

  He looked at me somewhat awkward, like he wasn’t sure what to say. It made sense though; Josh didn’t do emotions. He didn’t do awkward either. Actually, I was surprised he hadn’t made an excuse up to leave.

  “What do you need?” His voice was soft, gentle, and kind. Three things no one had showed me since my heart got broken.

  What do I need?

  A tear dropped from the corner of my eye. I had really let my guard down. I pinched my eyes shut, telling myself not to cry. My guard might be down, but that didn’t mean I was about to become a crying mess in front of him.

  I didn’t know how Josh would react to me as an uncontrolled crying mess.

  “Come on, Soph, how can I help?” he said, his words still gentle.

  Josh didn’t do gentle. He did mean and hard and direct. So why was he being kind to me? I opened my eyes and found the answer to his question.

  “I just need time,” I said. It was the truth. I was hoping time would heal me. Time would wipe the pain away that I feel daily. Time would stop the emotions I felt and the reaction I had seeing Kyle and Kayla together.

  Josh nodded his head. “Well, as long as you don’t become heartless like me.” His words shocked me. He considered himself heartless.

  I frowned. “Josh, you aren’t heartless. You have a kind and loving heart. You just don’t show it or let yourself feel it.” My frown turned into a smile. “How else do you explain you being kind to me?”

  A man like Josh should have no time for me. I wasn’t his girlfriend or sister. I was just some nobody that once dated his brother.

  He took his hand off my knee, deep in thought. Finally he turned to look me in the eye.

  “Friends, right?” He gave me a forced smile, as if there was another reason behind his kindness to me.

  “Yeah.” I kept smiling and I couldn’t remember one time this week I had smiled. It actually felt odd to smile. There used to be a time when all I did was smile. I loved my life. I loved everyone in my life. And then I lost the life I loved so much because I didn’t realize the life I had was dependent on Kyle being in it.

  How the hell did I let him become such a big part of my life? How did I let myself believe him when he said he would love me forever and nothing or no one would get in the way of him loving me?

  I was so blindly stupid.

  Such an idiot.

  I wanted to slap myself for being so bloody stupid. Instead I hated myself that bit more for believing every word Kyle said. I believed it like it was law and he would never go back on his word.

  How fucking wrong was I.

  “You got plans for tonight?” Josh said, changing the subject to something he was more comfortable with. I knew he hated talking about emotions and feelings. Josh didn’t do those two things.

  “Nope.” I leaned back on the couch. “You?”

  He looked torn for a minute as he thought about his answer.

  “I do, but I can cancel,” he finally said.

  “Why would you cancel your Friday night plans? You don’t have to feel sorry for me. I can be by myself.”

  “You’re spending a hell of a lot of time by yourself.”

  I just shrugged my shoulders. It wasn’t a big deal. I was getting used to being by myself. It was kind of weird being with him now after two weeks of keeping to myself.

  “I’ll cancel.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket.

  My hand automatically went over his. “Don’t do that, Josh. Don’t be the guy that cancels on a girl at last minute.” I didn’t want his life being interrupted by mine.

  He didn’t owe me anything.

  “It’s not a girl.” He glanced at my hand which was over his. For some reason I didn’t feel awkward touching him. Like the night he picked me up. I hadn’t felt uncomfortable when he took my hand. If anything I enjoyed his touch. So I wanted to curse at myself for enjoying having my hand over his.

  “Still, don’t cancel,” I finally said. “If someone is depending on you, you shouldn’t bail.”

  “It’s just a party. There is one every weekend,” he said that like it was true. I couldn’t picture Josh at a normal party, but I could picture him at a biker’s party.

  I smiled. I knew he wouldn’t be telling me if he was a biker or not. He wouldn’t confirm what was in the paper. But I think I had my answer anyway.

  “Go. Drink. Have fun,” I found myself saying and took my hand off his. “I’m planning on an early night.”

  His frown deepened. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. But I had a feeling—a big feeling—he was debating whether or not to go.

  “I’ll stay,” he finally said. “I’ve got beers here and you as company.”

  I wanted to laugh. “I’m hardly company. I can barely string two words together at the moment.”

  He shrugged.

  “You will easily pick up a girl. Get drunk. Get laid. And then wake up tomorrow feeling awesome.”

  “Or with a hangover and an STD.”

  This time I did laugh. “You really look at the positive side, don’t you?”

  The corner of his lips twitched up. “Haven’t heard that in a while.”

  “What, looking on the positive side?”

  “No.” He smiled. “You laugh.”

  My expression dropped and my grin fell. He was right, I hadn’t laughed in months. But he didn’t know that. I swallowed sharply.

  “I guess I’ve had nothing to make me laugh.” It was the truth. I hadn’t had a situation that made me laugh. I hadn’t seen the humour in anything. Yet here I was, with Josh of all people, laughing.

  His phone started ringing, breaking the awkwardness.

  “So what are we going to do?” he said, ignoring the call. “You said you didn’t have any plans, right?”

  “No, but you do,” I reminded him. “And I think someone is calling you to remind you of those plans.”

  “We could watch the football or go out.” He ignored his ringing phone again.

  “Or you could keep your plans.” I went to get up. “Thanks for the talk, Josh. You mightn’t believe it, but I haven’t spoken to anyon
e this week.” I knew how pitiful that sounded, but he didn’t look at me with pity—maybe because now he knew I hated being looked at with pity.

  “You eaten yet?” Again he ignored his phone. Whoever was calling him wanted to speak to him and knew he was blocking their calls.

  “Josh, seriously, answer your phone!” I was up now and starting to back away from him. “I’ll um… see you when I see you.” I gave him a smile just as his phone started ringing again. He didn’t look settled on my decision but nodded his head and answered his phone, barking a hello into it.

  Now that sounded more like the Josh I knew.

  I walked up the stairs. I wasn’t hungry. I had basically stopped eating when my heart broke. I just wasn’t hungry at all. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but when it came to a lot of things in my life I just didn’t give a fuck.

  Chapter Six

  Soph

  I dreaded school. I suffered through every hour—every minute—of every day, which was a big change for me because I used to love it. I loved learning. I loved spending time with my friends, and I really loved the sense of accomplishment I got when I finished a day.

  Now…

  Now I hated every second of it—the teachers, the lessons, the sitting still. And you know what I hated the most? That I was tortured by seeing my best friend and boyfriend act sickly in love!

  Art was the only class I had on my own. I wanted to go back in time and kick myself; the three of us teed it up last year. I made sure that I was in all of Kyles and Kayla’s classes. And now, when I wasn’t over hearing Kayla gush about how sweet Kyle is to her, or what he had just purchased her or how much she loved him, I was being forced to watch them as a couple.

  Like I said, I hate school.

  My grades were already dropping from my lack of interest, which scored me extra credit work to do. That is exactly how I wanted to spend my weekend—working on fractions and a report on endangered animals.

  It was the middle of the day and I was at my locker, putting my books away. The first thing I did at the start of term was rip down every picture of me and Kyle and me and Kayla plastered inside my locker.