“I’ll figure something out,” I assured her. “But Ma, you look like you need about a week’s worth of sleep.”
Her laugh was dry when she stepped into the room. “If only, Jagger. If fucking only.”
Chapter 19
Shaw
“Wouldn’t it be easier if I just drove you home?” I asked to break the silence as Jagger maneuvered through LA rush-hour traffic.
After everything that had happened in Aunt Emmie’s conference room, I was feeling something I rarely experienced. Shy. Those stupid girls had tried to tempt Jagger with texted nudes for months, and he hadn’t even responded to a single one of them according to that Stacy girl. Knowing he hadn’t been hooking up with any of them despite them obviously being easy lays had given me a moment of power.
He didn’t want any of those girls who were beyond hot and begging him to fuck them.
Jagger Armstrong wanted me, and only me.
Showing them all that they meant nothing to him as we’d devoured each other’s mouths had made me feel like the most beautiful person in the universe. After the hell I’d been going through since Saturday night, it was a heady feeling to have my heart stop hurting nearly as much.
But then I saw Aunt Emmie and was reminded that things were still a total fuckshow. Reminded of what else had happened over the weekend, I’d felt my stomach bottom out, and the need to go home had started to claw at me, demanding I get back as soon as possible.
“I don’t plan on leaving as soon as we get to your place,” he said with a casual shrug as he switched lanes with ease. He glanced at me before quickly turning his gaze back to the heavy traffic surrounding us. “You going to tell me what’s going on? What were you and Ma talking about? Mieke, and even Rachel, seemed to know what’s up, but I’m in the dark here, Dimples.”
A lump filled my throat, and I wrapped my arms around myself as I fought a shiver. I wasn’t cold, but the thought of what I could have lost was still enough to make me shake.
“Shaw?” Jagger’s hand caught one of mine, and he entwined our fingers. “Baby, what has put that haunted look in those beautiful eyes? I don’t like it. Please, just tell me.”
Swallowing with difficulty, I blinked back the sudden sting of tears. “Sunday, Violet told her parents—” I broke off and clenched my eyes closed. “She told them she’s been having suicidal thoughts.”
I felt the car jerk, and my eyes snapped open as Jagger pulled off to the side of the road. His face was tight and pale now. I saw him gulp in a deep breath, and then he was unbuckling his seat belt. After undoing mine, he pulled me into his lap. He was shaking just as hard as I was, and he buried his face in my neck. “Is she okay? Did she try…?”
“No,” I choked out. “She’s okay, she didn’t hurt herself, but it kills me that she’s even having those kinds of thoughts. Violet is my favorite person in the world. She’s my sister. My soul. It hurts to even think about losing her for any reason, but to imagine her taking her own life…” A sob cut me off, and I clung to Jagger as I just let go for the first time since finding out how close I’d nearly come to losing my best friend.
I felt him kiss the top of my head as he held me. His shaking slowly subsided, and eventually my throat started to feel raw. As scared as I was of Violet’s dark thoughts, it was a relief to let go with Jagger. Let everything that had been building up go. It felt different from when I’d broken down with Mom Saturday night. This time, it was more powerful, more gut-wrenching. My entire body ached from the sobs, but he was there to hold me through it, keeping me together in case my body split apart from the agony of thinking about what could have happened.
“She’s going to be okay,” he murmured as he rocked me against him. “We’ll help her through this. Nothing will happen to Vi, baby. We’ll take care of her.”
“We?” I whispered, sniffling against him.
“Yeah, we.” He kissed my temple then used his thumb to lift my head so our gazes locked. “You and me.”
“Jags, I can’t be what you want. Not now.” I looked away, afraid to see the disappointment or anger in his eyes. Just because I needed him to hold me didn’t mean I’d stopped being scared. If anything, I was even more afraid. “Maybe not ever.”
My sweet, strong Violet was thinking about ending her life to get away from the pain of losing her soul mate. If that was what happened when a guy broke a girl so thoroughly, I didn’t want anything to do with it.
He cupped the side of my face and turned me so I was once again looking into his pale blues. “That’s okay, baby. I’ll wait. For as long as you need me to. I’ll be right here beside you. Just don’t push me away. I don’t think I could survive it if you did.”
I didn’t know how to respond to any of that. It made me melt a little more that he was saying he would wait for me. But I didn’t think he really understood just how deep my fear went. It wasn’t just going to fade into nothingness overnight. Maybe not even over a decade. It took a lot to truly scare me, and right then, I was absolutely terrified of letting anyone—especially Jagger—have even a little control over my heart.
Even though I loved him, I couldn’t let him or anyone else have access to something so fucking vulnerable.
Instinct told me to push him as far away as humanly possible. Put a continent between us and try to forget about the sexy rocker who only wanted me. Yet I couldn’t tell him no. Not when I ached to have him close, even as my fear of being hurt made me quake. It was the kind of contradiction people felt that led them headfirst into a mental breakdown.
When I didn’t say anything, Jagger pressed his lips to the center of my forehead and then carefully placed me in the passenger seat. Leaning over me, he pulled my seat belt across my body and fastened it in place before putting his own back on. “Let’s go check on Violet.”
All I could do was nod, and he pulled into traffic. We were both quiet on the drive to my house. My parents weren’t home when we went inside so I could change, but since both their vehicles were in the driveway, I figured they had walked over to the Stevensons’.
I left Jagger in the kitchen with something to drink while I changed out of my school uniform into a pair of jean shorts and a white tank top. Pulling my hair up into a ponytail, I walked downstairs to find Jagger standing exactly where I’d left him. He hadn’t moved, not even to open his bottle of diet soda that I’d given him minutes before.
“I’m ready,” I said as I stopped a few feet from him.
He lifted his head from staring sightlessly at his phone. As his gaze traveled up my body, I felt myself responding, and I quickly turned away before he could see the way my nipples had tightened and were pointing at him through my bra and shirt.
We walked to Violet’s house, and I let us in through the kitchen door. I came and went as I pleased at Vi’s house just as she did at mine. This was my home away from home. Her parents were my second set, and we were one big family that was always in one another’s business. I loved it. It made me feel safe and loved. Between my parents and the Stevensons, I didn’t fear anything.
Except having my heart broken like Violet’s was.
Unfortunately, no one could cure me of that fear, even though I wished they could.
Mom and Aunt Harper were making dinner together when we entered. My mom saw who was with me and gave me a small smile before turning back to the stove where she was sautéing something while Aunt Harper chopped veggies for the salad.
“Hey, you two,” Mom greeted. “Hope you’re hungry. We made enough for a small army. Or in this case, enough for Mason plus the rest of us.”
“I’m not really hungry,” I said with a grimace.
“I’m starving,” Jagger told her. “Is it okay if I stay for dinner?”
“Of course it’s okay,” Aunt Harper told him as she used her forearm in an attempt to push a few strands of hair back from her face. “It should be ready in twenty minutes or so. Go and visit with Violet while we finish up.”
Violet was in the l
iving room with our dads when we walked in. Since she’d talked to her parents about her dark thoughts Sunday morning, no one had left her alone except to sleep. She confessed to me that it was more than a little overwhelming not to have any time to herself now, but it kept her head busy with things other than the thought of doing something she knew she couldn’t come back from.
Uncle Shane lifted his gaze from the television when we entered the room, and he nudged his daughter, who was sitting right beside him. Vi jumped up to her feet, her face filling with shame when she met Jagger’s eyes for a second before quickly looking away. “H-hey,” she murmured.
Instead of returning the greeting, Jagger grabbed her and jerked her against him. His arms went around her, and he locked his hands at the small of her back before kissing the top of her head. “You okay?” he choked out.
She nodded, seeming too emotional to be able to speak, and I felt my eyes sting with tears.
“You guys can hang out in Vi’s room if you want,” Uncle Shane said as he lifted his beer to take a swallow. “She’s probably tired of hanging out with us old men.”
He didn’t have to tell Jagger twice. He bent and tossed Violet over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and stomped upstairs while she huffed exasperatedly. Fighting the beginnings of a smile even while I continued to blink back tears, I followed after him.
The new door to Violet’s room was just like the one Luca had broken down, and I pushed it closed behind us as Jagger tossed Violet onto her bed. Then he was falling down beside her and rolling onto his back with her head pillowed on his chest. Lifting his free arm, he waved me over, and I couldn’t resist the invitation.
Once I climbed into bed beside him and turned onto my side so I was facing Violet with my head pillowed on his chest, he let out a contented sigh. “Nothing like having two hot blondes snuggled up to a guy to make him appreciate the finer things in life.”
Violet giggled, and I pinched his side while hiding my smile. “Hey,” he complained. “That tickles.”
The three of us drifted into complete silence for a few minutes before Violet blew out a tired sigh and lifted her head. “I start therapy tomorrow. Can you grab my homework for me? I don’t want to get too far behind, and Mom doesn’t want me to go to school for the rest of the week.”
“Whatever you need,” I assured her, reaching out and tucking a few strands of her hair behind her ear.
She rested her head back on Jagger’s chest. “This is kind of nice. I haven’t listened to someone’s heart beating in a long time.” She closed her eyes. “I forgot how soothing it can be.”
Jagger rubbed his hand up and down her back, and Violet’s breathing started to even out. Moments later, she was deep asleep, and all I could do was watch her. But while he continued to rub her back, Jagger had his eyes on me. After lifting my gaze to his, he used his free hand to cup the side of my face. “I love you,” he whispered.
“Jags.”
“Shh,” he commanded, his thumb pressing against the center of my lips. “Don’t argue. Don’t even say it back. Just let me stay like this for a little longer, knowing you’re both safe.”
Seeing the plea in his eyes, I gave a single nod and returned my head to his chest, but unlike Violet, I couldn’t sleep. I just snuggled against him a little more, put my hand on my best friend’s back, and relaxed in the knowledge that the two people I loved more than life itself were right there with me.
Chapter 20
Shaw
The next few months seemed to go by in the blink of an eye. Soon, it was graduation season. My brother’s graduation from military school was the weekend before Jagger’s, so I didn’t have an excuse not to go to Texas with my parents. It was too important of a day for him, so Mom and Dad told me to suck it up and pack a bag for the weekend trip.
Our grandparents lived less than an hour from Cannon’s school, so we stayed with them. Getting to see Grandpa and Mimi Tink was the only highlight of the weekend for me, and I made no secret of the disdain I held for having to be there for a guy I had zero respect for. My parents ignored my attitude, and I spent the entire weekend pissed at everyone except my grandparents.
Jagger was hanging out with Violet for me, and I wished I were with them. I hated leaving my best friend alone, even though she’d been doing so well with her therapy that she was starting to get back to the girl I loved so much once again. I got nervous when I wasn’t close to her for more than a day. Thankfully, Jagger understood that and was always ready to step up and spend time with her when I had to work or go on family trips Violet wasn’t able to attend with me.
The worst part of the weekend was when we got ready to head home and I realized that Cannon was actually coming back with us this time. Of course, I’d known he would be returning eventually, but I’d thought he would stay an extra week or two to get his things packed. Instead, he was practically dancing with excitement to get back to California.
As we boarded the plane, I finally let myself look at my brother for what was the first time since he’d been sent away. He’d always been on the leaner side of muscular, but his time in military school had filled him out, making me wonder what kind of workout regimen they had put him on. His clothes fit him a little snugger, but the extra muscles only had the female population giving him hungry glances that left me wanting to gag.
His hair was cut in the typical military style, which made my lips twitch with a bitchy smile. Before, he’d kept his hair on the shaggy side, and he would whine every time Mom made him get it trimmed. This hairstyle needed to be managed every two weeks at the least, so I could only imagine his constant whining had irritated whoever had to keep up the maintenance on his current hairstyle.
We had four seats in first class, and since it was a smaller plane, that only left four other seats, all of which were already taken when we boarded. Mom and Dad sat with each other, leaving me to take the seat right beside my brother. I was seriously tempted to trade with someone in the economy section just to avoid having to be so close to the asshole.
As if she could sense my thoughts, Mom grabbed my arm and tugged me down until our gazes were locked. “Don’t even think about it. Get your ass over there and sit down. And I better not hear either of you arguing. I won’t put up with you two being at each other’s throats now that he’s home, Shaw.”
I tugged my arm free and turned to glare at my brother. “I get the window seat,” I snapped at him. “If I have to put up with your ass the whole way home, I at least get to enjoy the view.”
“Whatever you want, little sis,” he said with a tight smile. Standing, he moved so I could take the window seat before dropping down beside me.
I put on my seat belt and then pulled out my earbuds. After switching my phone to airplane mode, I clicked on my playlist and turned it up as loud as it would go. If Mom didn’t want to hear us arguing, the safest thing was to avoid even talking to my brother.
For the entire trip, I played games on my phone and kept my music playing so I wasn’t tempted to say anything that would only get me grounded.
If I was honest with myself, though, my real problem was that I was dreading everything now that Cannon was going to be home. With him at military school, he and Jagger hadn’t had any contact with each other as far as I knew. But with him home, I couldn’t help wondering if things were going to change between Jagger and me.
We weren’t together, but we did spend a lot of time hanging out. Most of the time, Violet was with us, and I knew it was because he was just as worried about her as I was. But I also knew that he was around so much because he was trying to show me he still wanted to be with me and was patiently waiting for me to get over my fear.
I wasn’t ready for more than the closer friendship Jags and I had, but I didn’t want to lose it either. I didn’t want to lose him again. But with Cannon back, I didn’t know how I wouldn’t. Jagger would pick my brother over me.
Over us.
Just as he had last time.
; As soon as I got home, I tossed my case in my room and changed clothes before heading to Violet’s house. I’d texted her as soon as we touched down at LAX, so she knew I was on my way. Walking in through her kitchen door, I was greeted by Oscar and took a moment to pet the beautiful German shepherd before grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge and heading to Vi’s room.
“Hey, Shaw,” Mason called from the living room. “How was your trip?”
“Meh,” I said with a twist of my lips that made him grin. “How was your weekend?”
“Jagger and I went surfing yesterday, then we took Violet to dinner last night.” He patted his stomach. “I’m still full from all the nachos. I out-ate Jags by two baskets of chips.”
“Gross,” I laughed. “And I’m kind of jealous. I want some nachos.”
“Tell Jags. I don’t mind having a rematch tonight. I think he said he was coming over this evening since you were supposed to come home.”
Excitement and trepidation filled me in equal parts. I wanted to see him—ached to see him—but what if the only reason he was going to come back to Santa Monica was to see Cannon? Forcing a smile for Mason, I left him in the living room and went up to Violet’s room.
She was sprawled out on her bed reading when I opened the door without bothering to knock. When she saw me, her eyes brightened. “I guess you survived?”
“Barely,” I grumbled as I flopped down beside her. Grabbing a pillow, I pulled it under my head and crossed my arms over my stomach as I glared up at the ceiling. “Mind if I sleep here tonight?”
“You know you’re welcome here anytime,” she assured me. “By the way, Jags was so pitiful all weekend because you were absent.” I glanced at her out of the side of my eyes and saw her smirking. “He put up a good front whenever Mason was around, but he would sigh so heavily, like he was missing a piece of himself. It was so freaking adorable. I don’t even think he realized he was doing it.”
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