Conflicted

by M. J. Kaestli

  “Yes. I woke up really early and decided to get a head start on my training. I thought it would be a good use of my time.” Freya didn’t look up from the tablet as she spoke.

  “Oh, well, do you want to go out to the gardens? Or would you like to stay here longer?” Chastity asked.

  “If it is okay with you, I would like to finish this module and then go.”

  “Sure, sure. Don’t let me hold you back. How is it coming along for you?”

  “It’s fine—easy, actually. It really isn’t different than what I had already learned in history class,” she replied.

  “Yes. The beginning part is more of a review. Then you will go on to more advanced subjects.” Chastity gave Freya a satisfied look and stepped toward the bathroom.

  Freya hesitated momentarily before she called out to her. “Chastity, umm, I think it is time that I start to take my meals with everyone. I have had more than my fair share of special treatment.”

  Chastity’s eyes lit up; she almost smiled. “Well, I think that would be lovely. Your presence has been greatly missed.” She shut the door with a satisfied look on her face.

  Freya finished up and headed straight to the grounds. There was a rhythm to working that put her mind at ease. The combination of being surrounded by greenery, a bright open space, and the repetitive nature of her work was very soothing. The realization she had before falling asleep had also settled her emotions. She really should have been chosen for independent living; the only reason she had not been was she needed to be coupled with a Security officer to work at the State house. Coupling was something that was wrong for her, but had been forced on her anyway. Yes, she had grown to love Colin, but in the long run, she would be better off without him. Maybe someday I will look back at this time and laugh that I ever mourned his loss, she surmised.

  Freya continued to work contently until it was time for the afternoon meal. She was nervous about seeing everyone, not knowing how they would act around her. The thought filled her with dread, yet she knew isolation wouldn’t serve her for long. A time would not come when this would be easy, so it was best to get it over with quickly. When the alarm chimed on the tablet, she was slow to respond, trying to hold back and be the last to arrive. Lunch had been set up at the large table on the deck as it normally was, like it used to be before Colin left. Everyone had already sat down except for Victor. She took a seat; instantly aware everyone was a little more quiet and reserved than usual. They all smiled and nodded at her, but thankfully, there was no big display about her return.

  Victor came around the corner. The group all smiled and acknowledged him politely until he sat, and everyone dug into their meal. There was idle chat among the group. Luckily no one talked about the launch—Chastity must have said something to everyone beforehand. It suited Freya; she had no desire to talk at all. She was still too numb to have much to say. After the meal was finished, she forced a half-smile, and nodded at everyone before she returned to the grounds.

  A new routine developed quickly. Freya often woke up before necessary; she did a module in her training and then headed out to the grounds. Everyone was polite to her when they saw her, but there was no teasing or joking. They also never inquired about her emotional state or well-being, or anything personal. She realized that despite her being polite toward everyone, they were all walking on eggshells around her. Even the conversation at mealtime had changed. People no longer talked about their partners or families. They also steered quite far away from the topic of colonization.

  It must have been difficult not to speak about those things. The launch was the most exciting event of their time. If it were not for Colin and the pain this situation had caused her, Freya knew she would be on her tablet every night looking for information.

  There would come a time when she had healed enough that it would not be as painful for her to think about the colonization project—but that was a long way off, and she had to be kind to herself. Eventually she would read about it, perhaps look for the launch video in the archives. Maybe even by the time they made contact, she would be excited to learn about their progress. She knew someday it would be all right, just not today, or anytime in the near future.

  As she sat on the sofa, working on her tablet, the monitor on the wall flashed. Curiosity got the best of Freya. Remembering that she had been locked in last time, she got up to try the door. Once again, the door was secured. It wasn’t long until the monitor turned on, and Chastity came from the bedroom to join Freya in the viewing. It began as normal—the emblem of the State flashed on screen, followed by Victor speaking on similar topics as broadcasts of the past. This surprised Freya a little; she expected it would start with an exciting update about the spacecraft, but it wasn’t mentioned until the end. Victor simply stated that the spacecraft was safely out of our solar system, and everything was on schedule.

  When it was over, Freya sat on the sofa, still staring at the monitor for a few minutes. She hadn’t known before the broadcast that she had been waiting for news, but she had been. A part of her had been waiting for something, anything: news about the spacecraft, when the next launch would be, why Colin had chosen to go and leave her behind. What kind of life would be better than the one we shared that he would take the risk of the unknown? Was his family on the ship? Was his desire to live out in the open stronger than his desire for me?

  Freya nearly jumped up from the sofa to try the door.

  “Where are you going at this hour?” Chastity asked.

  “I need to talk to Victor. It’s time I had some real answers.” Freya hesitated momentarily. She was waiting for Chastity to stop her, but she simply nodded and looked away. Freya tried the door, and it opened. With a sense of determination, she walked down the long hallway to Victor’s office.

  Colin had chosen to leave her, but he also thought that she didn’t really love him—that she couldn’t move past his involvement with the rebellion or his other former flaws. If he could change for her, then she could do the same for him—she could if it meant they could have a second chance to be together. He loved her; she knew this, but his actions had been based on misinformation. He had chosen her once, and she was certain that if only she could show him how much she truly cared for him, he would choose her again.

  The door was closed when she got there, which was almost enough to make her lose her nerve. She took a deep breath and told herself that she would not leave Victor’s office until he not only told her everything he knew, but also made and solidified a plan so she may join Colin in the new world.

  Freya gave a firm knock at the door.

  Victor answered moments later. “Freya, I was not expecting you. What a nice surprise.” He stood in the doorway.

  “I need to speak with you.” She knew this was not the proper or polite way to address the head of State. Surely she should at least have an appointment, or try to talk to him mid-day. It may not be right, but she pressed her advantage anyway. She was not going to let him give vague answers or speak to her like a child.

  He made no protest to her request; he stepped aside to let her into his office.

  “I suppose you want to talk about the spacecraft,” he said.

  “In a way. I’m actually more interested in when the next one will be leaving.”

  Victor sighed and looked down for a moment. “There isn’t going to be another one.”

  “What do you mean? How can there not be another one?” Freya nearly shouted.

  “Give me a moment to explain.” He held his hands up in a defensive gesture.

  Freya had to bite her tongue to keep from yelling at him. She took some deep breaths to try to calm herself. She had come here for answers, and she would have to control her temper in order to get them.

  “There is only one spacecraft. The amount of resources it takes to build and launch was almost more than we could handle. We would never have sent the ship if it were not a part of a bigger plan, if it was the way we were planning on sending more people. W
e couldn’t possibly set up trade or move a significant amount of our population if this was all being carried out on a spacecraft.” He paused. “Please, Freya, this is top security clearance information. I would not be sharing this with you if it were not for the unfortunate situation you have been put in. Very few people know what phase two of our colonization plan is. We don’t want anyone who doesn’t need to know to have this information. I am taking a security risk telling you, but I trust you, and I feel that you deserve it.”

  Freya’s heart felt as though it were in her throat; it was pounding intensely. She nodded to Victor but remained silent.

  “The technology that made this project possible had nothing to do with space travel. The inhabitable planet was found before the State took over. What made this all possible—worth the risk I should say—was that our scientists developed a new technology. We can build a machine that will instantaneously transport items from one location to another. We have found that we can even transport human beings.”

  The comprehension had not settled in yet with Freya. She simply kept her gaze on him.

  “We will build one transmitter here, and when our spacecraft lands on the new planet, they will build one there also. Once it is set up, we can share resources, send radio waves, and transport people through the two devices.”

  Freya was almost overwhelmed with this new information. She marveled this was even possible. It made perfect sense; it would truly be the only efficient way to colonize.

  “I hope you understand, there is no second ship. We will only build another if our first launch doesn’t make it safely to its destination. I’m sorry—the way this was planned out, there is nothing that I can do for you.”

  Freya’s mind spun, trying to find a solution so she could see Colin again. “How long will it take for them to build it? How long after they land? I can cross through as soon as it’s built.”

  He sighed again and looked at Freya with so much sorrow in his eyes.

  “You could, but you will be twenty-two years older, and Colin will be the same age as when he left.” He fell silent again.

  “That won’t matter. It will be okay. We will be okay.”

  “I know that is how you are feeling right now, but I assure you, you will feel differently twenty-two years from now,” he said.

  “No, I won’t. I won’t feel any differently then than I do now!”

  Freya fought to choke back a sob. Victor didn’t understand—he couldn’t understand. She had come in this office to find a solution, to fight to reclaim the man she loved, her partner, and Victor wouldn’t even try to comprehend that she couldn’t take no for an answer. Whatever the obstacle may be, she would find a way to beat it, if only he would have the decency to put a little creative thought into this endeavor with her.

  Victor sighed again, looking even more sullen. “Freya, you know I care deeply for you. I would hate to see you throw your life away over someone who didn’t deserve it.”

  It took a moment for his words to sink in. She rolled them around in her mind for a moment before she spoke. A part of her knew the answer, yet she still needed to know for certain.

  “Why do you say that? Colin is not deserving—how do you mean?” She tried desperately to keep her voice steady, struggling to swallow back the bile rising in her throat.

  Victor placed his elbows on the desk and rested his head in his hands. He obviously did not want to discuss this topic any further; he didn’t mean to give any information away. After a moment, he looked out the window over the grounds.

  “I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to ever have to find out.” He paused. “However, I think it might be best for you in the long run to know the truth.”

  “What do you mean, the truth? Were you lying to me before?” She felt short of breath.

  “I told you the truth, what I knew of it anyway. I was later given more information, and that information I kept from you. I guess that is not much different than lying. I am sorry. I thought I was protecting you, but I think you deserve to know.”

  Freya sat on the edge of her seat in anticipation. What could he have found out after that could possibly affect me? Then the answer struck her—he found out that Colin used to be a part of the rebellion. He wouldn’t know that she already knew this, and so she decided it would be best to act surprised, possibly a little hurt—at first, then plead her case again to him at a later time, claiming that she could be the one to help him to see the side his loyalties should be sitting on.

  She kept her eyes looking directly into his. No matter what he said, she promised herself she was going to force Victor to treat her like an adult, and therefore she needed to act like one.

  “It’s almost funny how life works out sometimes.” He sounded as if he were speaking to himself more than her. “I remember when I became head of State. I was so deeply honored to be chosen.” He paused again. “When I was informed about the colonization project, I hoped with everything in me that it would be happening during my reign. I admit, I was young; it was a lot of ego that drove me. I wanted to be remembered as the head of State who made things happen. I wanted to go down in the history books as the man who led humanity in its next step forward. There are so many policies, so many facets of the State that I have felt morally conflicted over. I always thought it would be alright, that we were on the cusp of change which would make it all worthwhile.” He looked down at his hands on the desk, struggling to find the right words.

  “I didn’t know you yet when you were chosen for this house. I wish that I could turn back time and do things differently—I really do. I didn’t know how attached I would become to you, and how much the organization I run would hurt you.” His eyes moistened.

  “What does this have to do with Colin?” she asked.

  “Freya, your psychological testing showed that you should have been chosen for independent living. I looked over the candidates to work in the grounds of this house, and I chose you. You had to get coupled with a Security officer in order to take the position here; that is the policy. I made the decision to put you in that position, even though I knew you would be happier living independently. I am responsible for all of your suffering, and I don’t know if I can ever really forgive myself for that,” he said, still not able to meet her gaze.

  “But what you said implicated Colin, not yourself. I want to know specifically why he didn’t deserve me, as you said. I need to understand how he could have chosen to leave,” she demanded.

  Freya did not know where she had found the courage to speak like this, but there was a desperation coming from the core of her being. She had known all along she should have been selected for independent living. The fact she fell in love with Colin surprised her more than anyone. She needed to know everything; knowledge is power, and power was exactly what she needed in order to cope with her abandonment.

  “Yes, Colin.” He said his name with a touch of disdain. “I know that you loved him, and I am sorry. I can’t believe how unfair this was to you, Freya. It keeps me awake at night, thinking that I am responsible for you being paired with someone like him.”

  Freya held her gaze on him. She wasn’t leaving without information—she needed to know what he knew.

  As if accepting her challenge, he explained further. “Freya, Colin was a womanizer. He flocked to the weakest and most simpleminded types of females. The psychologist put in his report that it was their opinion he would change his ways when coupled, especially if he was placed with someone like you. A compliant partner could put him on the right path. They hoped you would keep him in line, straighten him out.”

  This information was not new to her. She was already aware of his spotted past, and Colin had said the day they met that he thought they were coupled to keep him out of trouble. She wondered whether Victor had thought this information would help her move on, but it wouldn’t. He was wrong about us—about our love crumbling under pressure—but he would see, in time. Nothing would keep us apart, she reas
oned.

  “Yes. I was aware that he had a flawed past before our coupling.”

  Victor shook his head, still not meeting her gaze.

  “I wish it was just before your coupling. Soon after you were coupled, he started to appeal to the State to be re-coupled.”

  His words jolted through her body. He is wrong. That wasn’t possible.

  “No. No, he didn’t,” she said without thinking. “He was offered to be re-coupled in the beginning, and he chose to stay with me.”

  “Freya, males will say anything to get what they want from you. He wasn’t offered to be re-coupled. He couldn’t have; the State doesn’t allow it.”

  His words danced around in her mind. She didn’t believe it; of course she didn’t. Victor had told her many times he was only informed of big picture items, not individual case-by-case inner workings of personal affairs.

  Freya didn’t speak a word of protest, she simply sat and slowly shook her head back and forth. No matter how incorrect he was, she needed to hear him out, hear what exactly it was that he thought he knew.