Conflicted

by M. J. Kaestli

  Another part of her wondered whether this feeling was a result of wanting to go back to the shooting range. Something about the experience made her entire body tingle. She felt so strong and powerful, even though she was bad at it. Her pace had fallen into a steady, hard run. It had been a long time since she had run like this. Her body struggled a little to keep the pace, but it made her feel so elated, she didn’t want to stop.

  Running had always helped her control her emotions in the past; it numbed them out somehow. Perhaps it was that she felt strong and in control, just like she did when she fired the gun. However, running was no match for shooting.

  She had maintained a slender figure throughout her life. There was a time during her coupling with Colin when she had developed strong, defined muscles. Most of the muscle mass had been lost after he left—her large stint of inactivity had left her body soft and weak. Suddenly, she had a burning desire to get back to her old self—her strong and defined body. It wasn’t just her previous strength or agility she craved—she wanted more. More strength, more flexibility, higher endurance. If she was ever in a situation where she needed to use a firearm, she didn’t want a bullet to be her only defense. She pushed harder and harder until the monitor on her shirt started to beep.

  The sound jolted her back to the present. The last thing she wanted was to alert Security and lose her privileges to the room. She slowed her pace but continued to run, and the monitor shut itself off. The State recommended thirty minutes of cardiovascular activity. They obviously had a limit to how high they wanted her heart rate, but she wanted to see whether there were limitations of how long she ran. She pushed on even though she was past the thirty-minute mark. If she couldn’t push harder due to the States fitness regulations enforced by her shirt, at least she could work on endurance. Freya ran for fifty minutes at a more controlled pace and then her legs were telling her that it was time to cool down.

  After the cooldown, she stretched for almost an hour. There was a monitor with some stretches for strengthening muscles, and she tried them for the first time. She worked until her entire body was shaking, and then she headed back to the apartment.

  Chastity was still sleeping when Freya returned. She slipped into the shower, hoping to finish before Chastity arose. While she was washing her hair, she couldn’t help but think about going in for further training today. Would the training stop with being able to take home a gun? Or would there be more? Her heart raced at the thought; she hoped there would be more.

  At that moment, she knew she would not simply sit back and wait to see what the State had in store for her. She was going to go straight to Victor and request further training. Her mind made up, she finished showering and quickly put her hair in a tight bun while it was still soaking wet. When she stepped out of the bathroom, Chastity was there waiting for her.

  “And what do you think you are doing up this early?” Chastity asked.

  “I’m taking a shower—what does it look like I am doing?”

  Chastity rolled her eyes at her remark.

  “Couldn’t sleep,” she replied. “I’m finished in here if you need the bathroom.”

  “What are you going to do with yourself now?”

  “I want to speak to Victor about my training. I don’t think it is enough that I simply learn to use a gun.” She grabbed a uniform.

  “Not those, Freya. You are going back to train this morning with Lewis.” She pointed to the clothing in her hand.

  Freya broke into a wide grin. She never would have believed there was somewhere she would rather be than the gardens. “Really!”

  “Yes, really. Victor wants you armed right away. I agree that it would be beneficial for you to learn some basic combat. You should discuss this with Victor.”

  Freya nodded in acknowledgment and headed out the door. When she arrived at Victor’s office, the door was open and he was at his desk. It often amazed Freya that he always seemed to be in there. Does Victor ever sleep? She knocked on the door even though it was open.

  “Oh, good morning, Freya. What brings you here so early?” Victor smiled.

  “I couldn’t sleep. You have a minute to talk?”

  “For you, I always have time. Come on in,” he said. “Chastity says that you enjoyed yourself at the firing range yesterday.”

  “Yes.” She smiled. “I was scared, but it was really fun. I did want to talk to you about my training, though. I appreciate you are concerned for my safety, and I am okay with carrying a gun, but I wonder if that is enough.” She paused. “I would like to be trained to fight. I think Chastity said it’s called combat training.”

  Victor nodded for a moment in thought. “That’s not a bad idea. I think anything we can do to ensure your safety would be valuable. I will make arrangements for you to begin combat training.”

  Freya was a little stunned for some reason, she had thought this would be a negotiation, that he would need some convincing. She never imagined he would agree to it so quickly. Freya nodded. She was taking on a lot, but she felt it would be the best thing for her. The less she sat around, the less she could think about Colin or the attack on the dome.

  “Chastity said I was expected there this morning,” Freya said.

  “Yes, you are—I was hoping you could leave with a firearm after today,” he explained. “I will arrange for you to train in the evenings, and to have shorter training sessions. We will reassess the situation in one month’s time to see if this schedule is functional for you.”

  His tone communicated the finality of their conversation, without having to say it specifically. Freya got up, thanked him and left the office. There was a foreign electric like excitement humming around her—an awakening of her senses.

  Freya scanned into the apartment beside Victor’s office and headed down the stairway to the underground. She hoped that she would be able to find her way without Chastity’s help. Normally she could call Security as an option, but not in these secret hallways. The thought then struck her: I have more restricted access and information than my former partner, and he was a Security officer. Freya almost laughed at this and shook her head. Who could have known this was where I would end up?

  Freya found an area that looked familiar and knocked on the door. Lewis greeted her formally and walked her straight back to the firing range.

  “I spoke to Victor this morning. He said he wants me to leave here with a gun today,” she blurted. A nervous energy had suddenly taken over her. She didn’t know if it was the concept of being armed—outside of this training space, or if she wasn’t totally comfortable being there without Chastity.

  He smiled and nodded for a moment. “You don’t sound all that confident in my teaching abilities,” he replied.

  “I am not confident in my own competence with firearms, even if someone as talented as you taught me.”

  “You will leave here today armed, even if we have to stay here all night.”

  Freya gulped hard, her throat and mouth suddenly feeling dry.

  Lewis got right to work. He laid out the gun in front of her and asked her to load the bullets. He made small corrections to little things that she did, but for the most part he sat back and watched her.

  “So how did you get stuck teaching the girl?” Freya asked with a slightly playful manner. Lewis only spoke to her when necessary—a formality, and somehow, she found it a little uncomfortable. She felt if she could keep some light banter going, it would make this all a little more comfortable for her.

  “I didn’t get stuck. This is just a part of what I do.”

  Freya scrunched her face a little, showing her obvious disappointment he didn’t rise to her bait.

  “And just for the record, I don’t train as many females as males, but I have trained females before,” he added.

  “Are there females in the military?” she asked, still working to fill the awkward silence. “I can’t imagine that, well, at least from what I have seen of the military.”

  “We are not jus
t a bunch of big guys with guns, Freya. I have more to do than just shoot people or beat them up. There are roles that are well-suited for females, but yes, there are definitely more males.”

  “I can see why you were chosen for this role. You are kind and patient, yet you keep your mind completely focused on your job, even when you are being pestered,” she said.

  His face flushed slightly, and then he moved over to the firing range. Freya held back for a moment. She was aware that she had either embarrassed him or made him uncomfortable somehow, but she couldn’t imagine why.

  She got all geared up and went into the booth, ready for target practice. Lewis had her fire off a few shots; he made adjustments and then had her shoot again. Freya was very pleased to see that all of her shots at least hit the paper, most of them hitting the outline of the person. Getting near the targets was much more of a struggle. One bullet had gotten near the target, but she almost felt as if that was more of a fluke than anything related to any skill she had acquired.

  “Here, I have noticed a few things.” Lewis stepped closer to Freya. He placed one hand along hers to tweak her aim. “Aim just a little higher.” She fired again; it was slightly better. “Do you mind if I get closer to you? If it makes you uncomfortable, I will let you keep practicing on your own.” He looked at her.

  This time it was her face that flushed, but she nodded for him to come closer. He stood right behind her. His body wasn’t quite pressed against her, but it was really close. Lewis then wrapped his arms around hers and placed his hands over hers. He was taller than she was, and so it was easy for him to wrap around her. He adjusted her body position, looked over her shoulder, and then told her to fire. She took a deep breath and then squeezed the trigger. He let go of her and moved the target closer for them to examine.

  “Looks like that helped a bit—not a bad shot. I hope that will help you get the hang of it. So much of shooting has more to do with muscle memory than your aim,” he said.

  “Oh, so you are saying that eventually I can shoot with my eyes closed,” she said with a playful gleam in her eyes. “It’s funny how you made that sound like such an issue the first time I was here.”

  Freya scrambled to think of something else to say, some sort of joke to lighten the mood. It was not that Lewis seemed as if he needed to lighten up. It was just that Freya was suddenly extremely uncomfortable—she had an urgent desire to run from the room. Lewis was the only male who had ever touched her, or gotten close to her, other than Colin.

  Lewis was nothing like Colin, but there was something about him that she really admired. When Lewis had wrapped his arms around her, butterflies danced around in her stomach, and she momentarily struggled to breathe. How could I possibly be feeling this? Her experiences with Colin had left her well aware of what this feeling meant, and it wasn’t something that she wanted. How could I possibly ever want to be re-coupled after what happened? She needed to find a way to not think about Lewis and what he was stirring up inside of her. She needed that feeling to go away, to be extinguished—immediately.

  “I think you should keep your eyes open as a general rule when firing a gun,” he said with a soft smile. “I know people have different techniques, but I would recommend eyes open for sure. I was simply saying that eventually your arms and hands will know where to go. It isn’t just about what you see; it is how you align your body that also helps you to hit your target.”

  Freya nodded and went back into her stance to aim. She fired off a few shots before Lewis could offer to help her with her body positioning. She was grateful that he was so professional and hadn’t noticed her flushed color, or at least had not drawn attention to it.

  “You’re doing better,” he remarked. “Do you want me to help adjust your body more or would you prefer to just practice on your own?”

  “On my own,” she responded, a little too quickly. “I just…I don’t think I will get it if you keep doing it for me. Just watch me and tell me what I am doing wrong until I get it right.” She started to reload the gun.

  “Sure thing—whatever helps you to learn.”

  Freya could tell he was keeping his distance from her. For a moment, she was concerned she had hurt his feelings, and then she decided that it did not matter. She needed to keep her thoughts and body away from him, and it would be best if he did the same. She continued to shoot, over and over. After every few shots, Lewis would move the target closer, they would look at it, and he would give her pointers. She was getting better. Every single shot was hitting inside the lines. A couple of times she had even made it inside the target.

  There was something so exhilarating about shooting. When she took aim, it was as if the rest of the world disappeared. There was no Colin, no spacecraft, no Council—just her, and she was powerful. She loved every moment of it, which brought on a sadness. She would leave here today with the gun, and probably never be allowed back. This new-found utopia would be taken from her all too quickly—and not for the first time in her life.

  “Why so glum all of the sudden?” Lewis asked.

  “What?” She removed the ear covers.

  “You just looked sad all of the sudden. I could tell you were really enjoying yourself for a while there.”

  “Yeah, I was, and then I realized I probably won’t be coming back here after today.” She sighed.

  “What do you mean? Of course you will.”

  She looked at him questioningly. “But Victor said I was to leave here armed. If I can operate the gun well enough today, why would they send me back here?”

  “The State does not have many armed civilians. It’s mostly the military. Once you have one, you are expected to go to a firing range at least once a month to keep up on the skill. You can come here up to once a week if you can find the time,” he explained. “Besides, just because you have the gun doesn’t mean you are as skilled with it as they would like you to be. I think you could use more practice, no offense.”

  “None taken,” she replied quickly. The possibility of going there so often brought a smile to her face, and an electric hum of excitement in her chest.

  “And besides, I just found out that I am going to be training you every night for a while. I think it would be a good idea to switch between combat and firearms. It will make you more well-rounded,” he said.

  “I like that idea. I really want to learn both.” She hesitated. “But should you really be the one to train me?”

  “I can ask if there is a female available for your training, if you prefer.”

  For a split second, Freya thought he looked disappointed. “I don’t know if it needs to be a female or not, but geesh… you’re massive. How am I supposed to participate in combat with someone at least twice my size?”

  His mouth curved up a little, and he paused for a moment before he responded.

  “You are meant to learn defensive maneuvers, not learn to beat someone to death. If you can fight me off, you should be well prepared for anyone else who causes trouble.”

  Freya pondered the thought for a moment and then nodded in agreement. “You’re probably right, but I am disappointed that I don’t get to beat someone up in all this,” she added with a touch of levity.

  “How about I let you win a few times?” he asked. “Will that help?”

  “It’s not the same if you are letting me win, but thanks for offering.”

  “I think we are done for the day. Here is your firearm and ankle holster. Be careful out there. Try not to shoot anybody.”

  “I’ll try to behave,” she replied.

  “I will see you tomorrow evening then.” He nodded.

  “Yes, you will.” She strapped the gun and holster to her ankle, and looked to Lewis for his approval. He nodded with a soft smile, and she wiggled her ankle around for a moment, adjusting to the weight. She stood up straight, and then shook Lewis’s hand and left the room. He had shaken her hand as firmly as the time of their first meeting. She was glad he was so formal. She felt it was necessary if the
y were going to be spending every evening together…alone.

  Chapter 7

  Freya woke up before the alarm again the next morning. She looked at the clock and quickly put on exercise clothing. She knew that combat training was going to be physically demanding. It would probably be strenuous enough to fulfill the guidelines of the State’s fitness requirements, yet she wanted more. If she tried to exercise right before training, it would cut into training time and only fatigue her beforehand. Although she knew no matter how hard she trained, she would never be strong enough to beat Lewis, she still wanted her odds to be as high as possible.

  A good jog on the treadmill with a few hard sprints would help build up her endurance in no time. After the jog, she looked through the tablet for stretching poses to build strength. She stretched until her arms and core trembled and then she headed back to the apartment for a shower. Chastity was still in bed when she slipped into the shower, but heard the alarm sound in the apartment while the water was running. She tried her best to rush through as she didn’t want to disrupt her schedule. Chastity was waiting by the door when Freya had finished.