Conflicted

by M. J. Kaestli

  “And you don’t think the State has record of all of that?” she whispered right in her ear. “You don’t think that they knew he had history with her, they saw your run-in with her, and then put her on the spacecraft right behind him? I do know who she is, and I don’t know her from Colin—I know her from my circle of friends.”

  Even though she was whispering right in Freya’s ear, she still spoke in code. “Colin pressed every advantage with every female he could, I am sure of that. Even as a toddler, he was a flirt. I don’t believe for a second that he loved her, or wanted to be with her. I think you have been lied to. I think you are being played in some sort of a game that you were never told about. I can’t think of a possible reason for them to do this to you, but I am positive Colin didn’t choose to leave you, and he wanted to stay with you for the rest of his life.”

  Just when I thought I was getting control of my emotions again, Ursa tells me this. She had worked so hard to get out of denial, so hard to move on with her life, and now this. What she said made sense, but it also made sense when Victor had told her about why Colin left. How could I possibly know who to believe, and did it even matter? Either way, he was gone, and nothing could change that.

  “I have to think about meeting your friend. I am still too upset by everything to be in the right mindset to talk about science,” she said, Ursa still holding onto her.

  “I know. It is a lot to take in. Thank you for letting me speak my truth to you. I know it couldn’t be easy to hear. I do wonder if the other way was easier, to hate him instead of missing him—I’m sorry if I’m causing you more pain.” She let go of Freya.

  She tried her best to clean herself up, and then headed back to the apartment. Lewis was waiting for her on the bed, reading his tablet.

  “Are you all right?” He looked concerned.

  “Yeah, I will be. We just talked about Colin and both bawled our eyes out is all,” she answered. Freya didn’t know what consequences she might face for telling Ursa about the transport device, and so she decided to err on the side of caution and tell him less.

  “That’s good. It means she is starting to trust you. She needs to trust you before she will open up about anything else,” he said in a gentle, yet calculated way.

  “I think so too, or at least that is what I am telling myself so I am less embarrassed about crying in public,” she said, trying to act light about the situation. If she was going to learn to conceal information from Lewis, she had to always include some truth—good thing Victor taught her that.

  She crawled into bed and slid close to him. Acting as though everything was normal between them wouldn’t hurt either. She started kissing him, and he quickly put his tablet down. This wasn’t just an act, a way to seem innocent to him. After what was just said, she needed the escape. It was also a convenient way to avoid having a conversation with him. She just knew if they talked too much, she would let something slip. It wasn’t her intention to lie to him, and she didn’t want to cover for Ursa; she just wanted to make sure she could tell the story while leaving out the part where she committed treason.

  Chapter 13

  Freya was in a mental fog as she had hardly slept—her thoughts spun as fiercely as a tornado. She wandered around the greenhouse, practically bumping into people. It was a good thing the work was so simple; she didn’t have much mind power. She still could not sort out whether she really believed Colin had told her the truth, or whether Victor had. Ursa was very convincing, but she knew she was telling her things she wanted to hear.

  When she saw Ursa, she would look at her in a kind way, but didn’t speak to her. Freya could tell the others were watching them. It would be a pretty crazy story to hear, the two of them ending up in the same greenhouse.

  After her work was finished, she went back to the apartment and crawled into bed. Lewis came home to find her asleep. He didn’t wake her; he just went to exercise without her. It wasn’t until he came in with their evening meal that he disrupted her.

  “Sorry, I just didn’t sleep last night,” she said to him and sat up.

  “I understand. This has been very emotional work for you. Did she say anything in particular that upset you?”

  Freya chose her words carefully before she answered.

  “It was very emotional for both of us.” She took a few bites of food. She was trying to buy time, or see whether Lewis would back off. He ate and waited for her to say more. “She thought I went with Colin until she saw us working out. She said she always thought of me as a daughter, even though we had never met.” She paused. “Telling her about Ida was hurtful to her. She didn’t believe me, but we just kind of agreed to disagree on that point.”

  Freya felt she should tell him everything the cameras could have picked up. She really had no idea who he reported to or how. For all she knew, he was sending in reports on her to make sure she did her job properly. Even though Ursa had asked her to meet someone from the rebellion, she didn’t feel she could tell Lewis, or at least not yet. How could I explain how it came about, without implicating myself and the information I passed on?

  “I know this is so hard for you. I am proud of you—you’re doing so well.” He put a sympathetic hand on her. “She is beginning to trust you, and with that, other information will come. This mission is ahead of schedule, so don’t get frustrated, okay?”

  He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, and then grabbed the empty plates and left the room. Freya lay back on the bed. Lewis still felt the mission was going well—that was good; she was safe with her little secret for now. He came back to the room and got undressed and cuddled up to her for a while, until they both drifted off to sleep.

  The next few days passed in a very routine sort of way. They both went to their civil duties, exercised, and spent the evening together. Freya still didn’t know what to tell Ursa about meeting with the rebellion. She felt capable of fooling Ursa, but not someone else. Lewis was the one who was trained to do this. She wished she could bring him along, but he had not been invited. Would it be too suspicious if I asked for him to come too? Did Ursa buy our happy couple routine? Would her mind even accept me loving another man?

  The next day when they were working out, Ursa approached the two of them again.

  “Hello, you two,” she said as she approached them. They both greeted her and paused their workout. “Lewis, I am sorry to keep taking your partner from you, but is it all right with both of you if Freya met me tonight?”

  Lewis and Freya exchanged glances, and Lewis nodded.

  “I understand you two need to work some things out,” he said in a very sympathetic voice. “I lost my last partner, in a completely different way, but I needed to spend some time speaking with her parents afterwards. It helps.”

  Ursa grabbed onto Lewis’s hand. “Thank you. Your kindness means a lot to me.” She turned back to Freya. “I will try to not cry the entire time if you come and see me,” she said with a forced smile.

  “Well, I can’t make you that promise, but I will meet you,” Freya replied.

  Ursa turned and left, and Lewis smiled at Freya.

  “She seems really sweet. I am glad the two of you can become friends. I think it will be good for the both of you,” he said for the cameras.

  They finished their workout, and this time Freya went back to the apartment to change first. She kissed Lewis good-bye and headed down to the common room. Ursa sat there in a center table, but today she was not alone.

  “Hi, Freya. This is my partner Rowen and his brother Arc.” She gestured to the two men. “I hope you don’t mind—they really wanted to meet you.” The resemblance between them was clear, both tall and broad, thick dark hair, and eyes that reflected the light. It was enough to make her heart ache, reminding her so much of Colin.

  Freya was concerned about the two of them; it was going to be more difficult to talk in this larger group. She instantly wondered whether Arc was the same person Ursa had wanted to introduce her to, or was this for show?
Would she introduce me to family first so when she brought the “friend,” it would look less suspicious? Freya took a seat by Ursa, with the two men sitting across from them.

  “We are so glad to meet you.” Rowen held out his hand. She formally greeted both men and took a seat. “It is nice to finally put a face to the name.”

  “Yes, it is,” she replied. “How is it you live so close to your sibling that you can share a common room?”

  “We don’t actually live that close. But I am an engineer, and I often have to travel around, checking the different structures. I take every opportunity to see my brother when I can,” Arc said. “Ursa was telling me that you are very bright, that you have all sorts of theories about how we can travel faster. I do have connections with many scientists. I would be interested to know if we could make this happen.”

  So it is him, or maybe there are more. She wasn’t sure.

  “That would be wonderful if you could. I am surprised you don’t think this is silly,” she said, unsure how to proceed.

  “It is interesting that a greenhouse worker has so many theories. I am interested to hear more if you have them,” he answered.

  Freya thought carefully for a moment. She knew he was really asking whether she had any more information about the spacecraft or colonization. What else do I know? Her mind replayed her conversation with Victor quickly, but she drew a blank.

  “I am just a greenhouse worker. I don’t have any more theories about traveling, sorry,” she replied.

  It was his turn to hold back. He looked at her and the others for a while.

  “I have to admit, I have wondered if you are really a greenhouse worker,” he finally replied.

  Freya’s heart stopped beating for a moment. He has figured me out.

  “I have doubted this from the moment you arrived here,” he said even more quietly. “But then you gave Ursa your theory on faster travel, and now I am feeling conflicted.”

  This was too much for Freya. She didn’t have the capability to handle this level of events. She should have never come here without Lewis; he could have handled this situation perfectly.

  “I am going to tell you what I think. I think you came here to do more than just work in a greenhouse, but I wonder if they picked the wrong worker. I think it is possible that you are not happy with your life in a greenhouse. You probably didn’t have a choice to come here. So, the question is, what will you do now?” He sat back a little; he had made his point.

  This was it—this was exactly what Victor had planned for her. All she had to do was convince them that she hated Victor, and she had successfully infiltrated the rebellion.

  “I do wonder if you could work in your greenhouse as instructed, but theorize about travel with me also.” He leaned closer to her again. “I do know your theories about travel are good. It is not the first time I have heard them, yet I don’t think with your role in the greenhouse you would have been permitted to share this information,” he said. “I think you are disgruntled enough about being forced into the greenhouse, by the same person who took your love from you, that you might be willing to do this.”

  Freya was still unable to speak; she didn’t know what to say, or even what to think.

  “Colin told you about the fight he had with his mother. Yet that was quite some time ago, and you don’t seem to hold their fight against her. You didn’t tell anyone about that fight either, which is why my gut is saying I should trust you.”

  Freya looked around at them; she needed to give an answer.

  Ursa grabbed her hand. “Take your time. Rome was not built in a day.”

  “Ursa will keep me updated on if you come up with other theories that pique my interest like your last one has,” he said, and then the two men stood. Rowen walked around the table and kissed Ursa on the cheek, and then looked at Freya. She held out her hand, feeling as though she needed to perform for the cameras, and said it was nice to meet him. He pulled on her hand and grabbed her into a hug. She didn’t fight the embrace. She simply stood and let him hold her for a moment.

  “It was so good to finally meet you. You are everything I imagined. You are exactly what Colin described, and I can see why he loved you so much.” He placed an affectionate hand on her cheek. She instantly broke into tears. He hugged her again, holding her while she cried for a moment and pulled back again. “Colin may be gone, but you are still family to us. I hope someday you will feel the same way,” he said, now with a few tears of his own.

  The way he looked at her, she knew he really meant it. He was not trying to manipulate her; this was not about the rebellion. They had lost their son, and wanted to have her in their family to help ease the pain. He let go of her, and left with his brother.

  Freya sat back down on the bench, and Ursa instantly wrapped her arms around her.

  “It doesn’t matter what you think of Colin leaving. We still love you,” she whispered in her ear. “Whether you want to be a part of what we do or not, that doesn’t matter either. We trust that even if you don’t want to take part, we know you won’t betray us.” She pulled away from her and placed her hands on either side of her face. “We just want to have you in our lives.”

  Freya nodded; she was not in control of her emotions enough to speak. Ursa kissed her forehead. It was so much like Colin used to do, it cut her even deeper. Then Ursa rubbed her back while she cried, just comforting her until she was able to pull herself together.

  They finally left. Everyone was clearing out; the common room was closing soon. Ursa grabbed her hand, and they walked together until the elevator had stopped on Ursa’s floor. She kissed her forehead again, and walked away. Freya continued up to her apartment, having no idea what to say to Lewis when she got there.

  “Hey,” he said when she walked in. He put the tablet away and got up, instantly pulling her into a hug.

  “Do I look that bad?” she asked into his shoulder.

  He didn’t answer, just held her, rocking for a while until he guided her over to the bed. “Can you tell me what happened?”

  “Ugg,” she said. “It’s fine—just so hard. Ursa brought her partner, and it was a lot of them telling me that I was a part of their family and they loved me.”

  “Wow. That is great news,” he said, a little too excited. “You are totally in—they trust you. It is only a matter of time before they spill everything to you.”

  Up until this exact moment, Freya had seen Lewis as her partner. She would tell him everything, anything to help the mission. The only problem was there was a part of her that didn’t want the mission to succeed anymore. Not if it meant that any harm would come to them. She would have to wait; she would have to find other people to turn over; she had to protect them. If she found someone much larger in the rebellion, she could say they were just low-level pawns; they weren’t important and didn’t know anything. She needed to learn more about the rebellion to find out whether there really was any threat. How could I possibly know whether there is a threat, or whether I had only been told that there is?

  Was it not possible that the State was being overly cautious? Was the rebellion an organized group, or were there small groups of people who acted independently? How could I condemn Colin’s family before I even know what their involvement is? She was just going to have to wait it out, see what was really happening, and how deep their involvement was. That group that tried to break into the dome, they could have been acting alone. Although she didn’t feel she could tell Lewis what she really knew yet, she had to make sure he trusted that she was telling him everything. She would have to be clever, telling him small bits without giving the entire game away. He had said they already suspected them of involvement, but they weren’t acting because they wanted to see how deep it ran. Was she not just going along with his original plan?

  Chapter 14

  Things were different in the greenhouse now—at least it felt different to Freya. Everyone was warm and friendly toward her, especially Ursa. She was openly affe
ctionate toward Freya, sitting with her while they ate, occasionally grabbing her hand while they talked. It kind of felt like when she had been with Chastity, except it was a deeper bond, a real connection. Ursa was turning into a mother figure for her. They carried on like this for a few weeks—spending time together in the greenhouse, speaking for a few minutes in the gym. Lewis was very pleasant toward Ursa, but Ursa was only polite to him, kindness did not reach her eyes when she spoke to him. Freya wondered whether it was simply because he was not Colin, or like Arc, she suspected him to be a spy.

  Ursa would ask Freya to meet her about once a week in the common room. She didn’t speak of the rebellion anymore, or ask her to meet anyone. She started to get a little concerned that the rebellion didn’t trust her. If Freya couldn’t dig up any solid information, then it was just a matter of time before something would happen to Ursa or Freya would be removed from this mission. She didn’t know what to do, but couldn’t ask Lewis because that would force her to tell him the things she had held back from him.