Conflicted

by M. J. Kaestli

  “But you don’t know that. No one knows what it will be like when that colony world opens up. There is no other way to live than how we do right now. But in the future, when we have that entire new world, there will be new possibilities. I think we need to have a little faith in the State. We need to see what kind of plans they have in store for us before we take drastic measures and innocent lives are lost.”

  “Freya, if we don’t act when we can, then we lose our opportunity. I am not willing to take that kind of a gamble to wait and see if the State suddenly develops a sense of decency,” Ursa said. “They took Colin from you—they took my partner too. They have no soul. They are just hungry for power, a power they will not let go of. We have a lot of time before the colony world is open to us. I am sure that long before that time comes, you will see the truth.”

  “What if I already see the truth?” Freya asked.

  “You are young, my dear. By the time you get to my age, you will see. There is only so much that they can take from you before you wake up. There is only so much evil they can display before you stop believing in them. You say that humankind isn’t capable of living for the common good? Well, that State is still human. There has never been a dictator in history who has been able to lead without becoming corrupted by power. You will someday see that it is not about the common good, just control.”

  “I think we need to agree to disagree again,” Freya said.

  “For now, yes,” Ursa replied. “There was no good reason to take Colin and leave you here. Someday when you are strong enough, you will ask why, and you will find your answer and see my side.”

  “You say that, but what if there was a good reason? We still don’t know for sure that he didn’t ask to go. But even if he didn’t, what if they felt like they needed him more over there than here?”

  “You say that like there isn’t plenty of other Security officers, Freya,” said Ursa. “And I am sure they could have used you as a gardener over there. You are one of the very few people who have gotten to work in a green space that is the closest thing to nature we have. Are you telling me that someone who worked in a regular greenhouse was more qualified to go?”

  This statement hit Freya hard. She had never thought for a moment about the type of work she did at the State house compared to other greenhouse workers. It was true; she had experience in what was the closest thing they had to a natural environment, and they didn’t send her.

  “You see it now,” Ursa said. “If Colin didn’t want to leave you, which I know with all of my heart that he didn’t, then there was no good reason whatsoever to separate the two of you. When he first left, I thought he was chosen because of you. I thought you were deemed a necessity to the project and so they sent him along for the ride. You should have been on that ship, Freya, more so than Colin. They wanted to keep you here, but they wanted to break you first. They took Colin from you, made you hate him, so they could play on your broken heart. In their minds, what could be more appealing to you than to go and exact your revenge on his family? They underestimated you, Freya—they underestimated that no matter what they said he did, you couldn’t stop loving Colin. They didn’t make you hate Colin; you just started to hate yourself instead. You can’t be a spy if you don’t truly believe in the cause. They thought you would be filled with rage, and turn into their perfect weapon against us.”

  “They said you were trying to destroy the dome, trying to kill us all.”

  “Of course they did. They will tell you anything to control you,” Ursa said. “I have been involved in the rebellion for most of my life, Freya. I can’t speak for everyone. I am sure there could be some out there with different plans than ours. But I can tell you this: we have never once had the intention to destroy the dome. In the past, we had been trying to understand how the head of State is chosen, so we can infiltrate it. We want there to be a better leader. Yes, we have killed a head of State before, but we were not able to get the right person in the right place to give us the upper hand. The Council is so well protected, we don’t truly know who holds the power. We have found that killing the head of State does nothing; they simply replace them with a clone of the one they had before. We have lost too many good people trying. The rebellion hasn’t even given the State a real threat since the last head of State took power, yet they fabricate our actions to create fear in people like you.”

  “You really aren’t trying to take down the dome or to kill Victor? What about the people who work in the house? Have they ever been harmed?”

  Ursa looked at Freya for a moment before she answered. “He said you were in danger?”

  “Yes. He said the rebellion has killed workers in the State house before, just to try to cripple the State.”

  Ursa gave a bitter laugh. “Well, fear is a great tool for control. That is all they do—make people afraid. They start by making you afraid of the State when you are young, and then make you more afraid of the rebellion when you are an adult. People who live in fear are easier to control. To answer your question, a member of the State house has never been a target. Yes, in the last assassination, one was killed trying to protect the head of State, but they were never the target.”

  It was Freya’s turn to give a bitter laugh. “They couple all female workers with Security officers. He said it was for our protection. When Colin was gone, I was not allowed to leave the house. Victor said it wasn’t safe for me, that someone might try to kill me. I also wasn’t allowed in the house when there were extra workers—I had to go to the common rooms. Even Colin believed I was at risk.”

  “Yes, well, if you need someone to believe a lie, you can’t just tell one person. You have to make sure that everyone around them believes it too. I am surprised Colin fell for it though, but I guess that’s what happens when they take your children from you so young—they got inside his head.” Ursa remained silent for a moment, and then began to speak again, very carefully. “Freya, I have told you of our plan to get everyone on the colony planet and then destroy the transport device, but I have not told you everything,” she said. “We need someone to be on the inside to be able to do it. We need you.”

  Freya nearly jumped out of the bed. Her entire body went rigid. “What can I do! I am nobody. I don’t work in Security. I am not military. I have no power. How can I possibly help everyone gain access to the device to move them through?”

  “We have over twenty years, Freya, and that is a long time. I have a list of names. There are people who are willing to lay down their lives for this.”

  “What do you mean? What am I supposed to do with a list of people ready to die for the rebellion?”

  “You will report them. You will hand them over to the State, and it will elevate you. You will climb to the top, and then you will hold a position of power. You will have the ability to get us to the other side. We need you to be our person on the inside, and we believe in you so strongly, I have a list of volunteers who will die to make sure you get to where we need you to be.”

  Freya’s entire body tingled, and shivers ran down her spine. This wasn’t fear; she had dealt with fear before. It wasn’t excitement either. This emotion rolled over her and she didn’t know whether her body could physically handle it.

  “I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I can’t send innocent people to be killed.” She stared blankly at the ceiling.

  “You can, and you will,” Ursa said to her firmly. “We are at war, and these are not innocent lives—they are soldiers. We are all willing to die for our cause, Freya. I have told you this before. You are the person we have been waiting for. You are the person who could rise up in the State and have the influence we need. This is the best chance we have had for change in a very long time, and we will not sit idly by and miss our opportunity on the hopes that the State might have a change of heart when the colony planet opens up. We need to take action, and we need you to be able to do it.”

  Chapter 16

  The alarm sounded in the apartment in the morning. U
rsa reached for her hand and held Freya back from getting up.

  “You have to go home to Lewis tonight,” Ursa said. “You have to tell him that I think the State killed Rowen. It will give him the confidence that everything is going according to plan and you are still on their side.”

  “No, I can’t tell him that. How can I protect you if I hand you over to him?” Freya replied, a sharp tone of desperation in her voice.

  “Simple. Greed. They will not take me simply on that information alone. They would not have sent you just for the two of us. They want to see how deeply we are connected. If they didn’t, they would have taken us already. They killed him off because they wanted to get me to talk. We are information to them, not the target. You have to put his mind at ease or he will suspect you, and everything will be lost to us.”

  “And what if you’re wrong?” Freya asked. “What if I go home and tell him this and I never see you again?” Her eyes filled with tears. She was more afraid of losing Ursa than she was of being discovered.

  “They won’t—but if they did, I will die knowing that I did my part, which is more than most people can say,” Ursa said. “You are the only thing I have left, the only thing they haven’t taken from me, and it is only a matter of time before they take you too. I am ready to die, Freya. I just hope to do as much damage to the State as possible before I go.” Tears freely ran down Freya’s cheeks, but Ursa held strong. “I love you, Freya. You are my daughter. Now I need you to take on this fight, because I don’t have much time left. I need you to be brave, and you need to believe in yourself.” Ursa kissed her once again on her forehead, just like Colin used to. “Now go, clean yourself up and go to the greenhouse. We are all depending on you.”

  “I love you too, but I will see you again. Let’s hope that you are right.” She got up from the bed and left Ursa there. Freya went into the bathroom and splashed some cold water on her face, hoping it would help to hide her tears. She was still wearing her uniform from the previous day, and she didn’t want to risk running into Lewis. So she simply fixed her hair and headed off to the greenhouse without a shower or change of clothes. She needed time to pull herself together, to clear her mind. If she was going to convince Lewis of anything, she had to find her centre first. He could not know how much she cared for Ursa. If he knew, he would not trust anything she said. Lewis had complete control over his emotions, and she needed him to believe that she did also.

  The repetitive nature of her work was the perfect time to sort out her thoughts. It was so easy, so redundant, she could do it in her sleep. Freya could not begin to sort out Ursa’s plan for her to be a double agent for the rebellion—again, she was not ready to agree with her. All she could do now was to take this one day at a time, one minute at a time even. She needed to focus on just the task she had to perform today: to convince Lewis that Ursa was starting to open up, and that Freya was still focused on the mission. He could not know that her real aim was to protect Ursa; she was all that mattered to her.

  She kept to herself, avoiding the watching eyes of her fellow greenhouse workers. They all wanted to talk about Ursa, all waiting to hear what had happened to her partner. It was difficult for Freya to navigate her day around them. Much to Freya’s disappointment, the day passed by quickly. Although she had calmed down a significant amount since the morning, she still did not feel ready to face Lewis. She tried to pretend to need to finish a few things at the end of the day, but Cady shooed everyone out of the greenhouse at their shift’s end. It was time to see what she was made of, to find out whether she could in fact be a double agent. Not that she was ready to take on that role—this wasn’t about the rebellion; it was about Ursa.

  When she arrived at the apartment, she changed quickly into exercise clothing. Perhaps if she could convince Lewis they needed to go exercise, it could buy her more time. She went and sat on the sofa, best to be in view of the cameras when Lewis arrived. He greeted her warmly, with a gentle kiss, and then went into the bedroom to change. It was good to have a workout first; it always helped to clear her mind. They ran laps together, and then moved onto strength training.

  He upheld his usual public display of affection toward her. He touched her whenever he could, smiled and laughed often. She had to focus all of her strength into not avoiding his touch; she had to reciprocate everything, or else she feared he would grow suspicious of her. He could read body language so well, it could already be too late for all she knew.

  Once finished with their training, they headed back to the apartment. Lewis went right to the slot in the wall and grabbed their meals and headed for the bedroom.

  This is it. She had no more excuses. There was no way she could stall this any longer. She just hoped she was ready.

  “Sorry about last night. I just couldn’t leave her,” Freya said as she closed the bedroom door.

  “It is alright, Freya. This is a critical time for our mission. Did you learn anything?”

  Freya sighed. It is now or never.

  “Almost. At least, I think so,” she said. “She was just so overrun with grief, she said something kind of crazy to me. I think it might mean something.” She shook her head. “She thinks the State killed Rowen. Crazy, right?” Lewis had no change in his face, no reaction to what she had said. “So I think maybe if she is saying stuff like that, it is only a matter of time before she says more.”

  “Yes, that is great news. She has admitted to you she doesn’t trust the State. That will definitely lead to more information,” Lewis said.

  There was something about his tone when he spoke: it sounded natural, but almost too natural to be sincere. His complete lack of emotion was what was truly unnerving. He never tried to deny the State killed Rowen. Freya never believed Ursa’s suspicions about his heart attack being a tactical move by the State, not until this moment. In this exact moment, Freya knew Ursa might be right. Was Lewis in on it? Did he himself cause it? She had to instantly force these thoughts from her mind. If she dwelled on it, her emotions would give her away.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought. We are so close,” she said, trying to act as though she was excited, as it was the only emotion she could think of to hide the colour now flushing her face, the way her heart had started to race. “I really never believed I could do this, but it looks like it’s working.”

  Lewis reached out for her and kissed her. He held her face cupped in his hands as he pulled back. “I am proud of you.” He looked into her eyes. “Let’s eat. I’m starving.” He grabbed a plate.

  Freya picked up a plate and took small bites. She should be ravenous, but it was difficult for her to eat. Her stomach was twisted in knots; it was almost painful. The reality of the situation was starting to sink in. I’m here, casually eating with Rowen’s killer. Of course it was Lewis; who else could it be? He was in position. He worked alongside him every day. It would have only taken a sleight of hand to slip something into his food or drink. Whatever had happened to him, Lewis was involved.

  If I do not convince the State of my loyalties, would I be next? Would I be taken in for questioning, or would I just be a situation that Lewis would handle? He could have poisoned my food tonight; he could do it at any time. She had to press on to finish her meal, even though thoughts of being poisoned floated through her mind.

  “I missed you last night.” He touched her face gently. His touch felt like shards of ice scratching down her skin.

  “I missed you, too.” She leaned over to kiss him. She knew exactly what she had to do, what would put his mind at ease if there was any doubt. She numbed her mind, and focused on kissing him. There was no sensation of pleasure or excitement, but she needed to press on. Her hands slid down to his stomach and she started to pull up his shirt. He laid back and she climbed on top of him, her legs tucking securely around his hips. There was no hesitation from him as his hands explored her body and undressed her. She knew that it would not be enough to simply seduce him; he had to believe she was enjoying herself. For the first tim
e, Freya did something she thought she would never do: she closed her eyes and pretended in her mind that he was Colin.

  ***

  Freya woke up to the alarm sounding, and Lewis was already awake. She showered and found Lewis waiting for her in the bedroom when she returned.

  “We are so close, Freya.” He pulled her into a kiss. “You are doing so well. You just need to believe in yourself like I do.” He kissed her again.

  “Yeah, I know. I just get nervous. I didn’t have all those years of training like you did.”

  “We are right on track. You’re doing great. Now get dressed. We need to leave soon.”

  She was going to go see Ursa when she completed her work at the greenhouse. The day passed as per usual; a few people asked about Ursa, and she didn’t know what to say. The woman had now lost everything. How does one move on from that? When she arrived at Ursa’s apartment, she was surprised to see her dressed and showered, even though she remained in the bedroom.

  “You’re back.” Ursa smiled and grabbed for Freya’s hand. “I missed you last night.”

  “I’m sorry. I thought since I slept here I needed to go see Lewis last night.”