by Ruby Dixon
I'm hurt to my core by U'dron's words—that Juth can't be trusted because he made a mistake.
It's clear to me from the conversation that Juth never meant to kidnap me. He saw me in the cave, stole me, and then didn't know what to do with me. Other than being irritating about the fire, he never hurt me, and the only time he put a hand on me was when I tried to leave. It makes sense given that he thought I belonged to him and that I'm a bargaining chip of some kind. Juth made a mistake. It wasn't about me, truly. Even now, Juth seems way more interested in food and supplies than having me as a mate. The guy's been alone with a kid for months now. He wants what we all want—safety and security—and that's why bringing him back to the tribe would be the perfect solution.
But U'dron doesn't like that idea because of Juth's actions. And while I understand that, partly, it also hits me to my core. Are we going to be forever judged by the actions of our past, no matter how stupid? Because if so, I'm totally screwed.
I might as well get used to being out here with Juth, because something tells me he's not gonna be the only outcast if the others find out who I really am. That I'm not Raven, hippie child of hippie parents with a sunshine-y past. That I'm Louise Skinner, a stripper and an ex-con. That I fucked up my life and kept on fucking it up until I got here…and then I fucked it all a third time because I came up with a persona.
Did I have a choice, though? I'm surrounded by a tribe of people who, for all their size and strength, are relatively innocent. The women that were kidnapped are good, clean sorts. A nurse. A student. A coffee barista. A freaking novelist. No one's a sex worker like me. No one's been in and out of jail for years like me. I knew once everyone started introducing themselves that who I am would be a problem, and I needed to survive.
So Raven was born.
It's not a stretch. Raven's my stage name thanks to the long black wig I used to wear on stage. It paired well with my pale coloring, and guys always thought a goth chick was hot. The hippie angle comes from my mom. She truly was a hippie and free-love type. Didn't know who my father was. Never found out. My mom lived in a commune and ended up pregnant with me and left because they wouldn't give her drugs any longer. It's been about the drugs more than the lifestyle for my mother, always, and I was never able to depend on her. I don't miss her. I don't miss dancing. I sure don't miss prison, though I'm certain my parole officer thinks I skipped town at this point and put out an APB on me.
Doesn't matter. They'll never find Louise Skinner ever again. She ended up on an ice planet surrounded by a bunch of sweetheart aliens and equally sweetheart humans and is the only stain on otherwise pristine snow.
So she's dead until the secret eats at me for so long that I can't take it anymore. Some days it isn't so bad.
Sometimes though, like tonight, it hurts me down to my core.
U'dron and Juth keep arguing, and I lie down next to the fire, curl up in the blankets, and put my back to it—and them. Eventually, their voices fade out, and I fall into an exhausted sleep.
I wake up a short time later to someone lifting the blankets off of my side, only to have a big, warm body lie down on the sand next to me. I jerk awake, only to see U'dron's face.
"Go back to sleep," he murmurs. "We will wake early and begin the journey back to the beach camp."
"Why are you stealing my blankets?"
"Juth has the other and he is sharing with his son. We must share…unless you would rather share with them?"
Reluctantly, I let him take an edge of the blanket. Even though I'm hurt at his words, I'd still rather share furs with U'dron than anyone else. I'm not allowed to have a crush on the big guy, even though my brain doesn't seem to be paying attention to that. He rescued me, and my heart has gone into full pitter-pat mode around him. I want him to pull me close and wrap an arm around me, holding me tight like he did when he pulled me from the water.
Instead, he just lies on his back and gazes up at the sky, a thoughtful expression on his face.
Well, if I wasn't wide awake before, I'm wide awake now. U'dron being that close has that effect on me. I'm very aware of the nearness of his form, his warmth, and the sheer size of him. I roll onto my side and try to get comfortable, but my brain is racing with a million thoughts and I can't quite seem to go back to sleep. Would he be lying so peacefully next to me if he knew I was just as bad—maybe worse—than Juth?
U'dron grunts, low in his throat.
I crack open an eye. "What?"
He shrugs his shoulders and nods at the sky above. "I do not see pictures in the stars here, either."
That melts some of my defensiveness. It almost feels like an apology, bringing up the stars. "The sky hasn't changed because we're a few miles away," I point out, unable to resist teasing him. "If you can't see them on the beach there, you won't be able to see them here."
"I am starting to think it is all a lie to get us to stare up at the sky like fools," he grumbles.
Ha. "It's a real thing, I promise you. Maybe we just don't have the right mindsets." Something skitters over my foot—probably a small crab—and I jerk away, kicking him in the shin in the process. "Sorry."
He grunts again. "I hate that you must sleep on sand tonight. You deserve better."
That makes me melt. No matter how I feel about his stance on past transgressions, that's still one of the sweetest things anyone's ever said to me. I reach over and touch his shoulder, just a little. "Thank you for coming after me."
"The entire tribe on the beach has hunted for you for two days."
"They did?" I don't know why that surprises me. I'm female—I'm sure it's because I'm an eligible mate for someone. Well, given that they don't know my past, that is. "That's very sweet. Are they out looking right now?"
"No." U'dron sounds disgruntled. "There was no sign of your trail, and no one knew where you had gone, so R'hosh and the others assumed you left of your own accord. I knew—" He hesitates and then continues. "I knew better, so I continued to look for you."
I don't know if that hurts my feelings, hearing that the others gave up on me. I mean, Callie and Penny both disappeared with the guys and no one looked very hard for them because they knew they were being wooed. Willa and Gren disappeared together, and apparently it's tradition to just pack up a bag and run off for a few days. I'm grateful that anyone looked for me at all, honestly. No one's ever cared in the past. I remember leaving home for a week to shack up with one of my boyfriends when I was thirteen, only to come home full of indignant outrage, expecting my mother to be furious at me, or worried, or something. Instead, she gave me five bucks and asked me to get her a pack of smokes.
So yeah, someone caring for me is…different. Nice.
"You kept looking for me even after the others gave up?" I let my hand creep over to his arm and touch his bicep. Oh god, it's so big. Hard. I scoot a little closer and rest my head on it, and his scent envelops me, as does the heat of his body.
U'dron stiffens at my side, but he relaxes after a moment. "I would never give up looking for you, R'ven."
My eyes prick with silly tears. Why is that the sweetest? Why does it make me ache so badly? "Because we're friends?"
"Because I would be your pleasure mate if it was allowed." He reaches over and gently takes my hand in his, and it's warm, callused, and so big and strong. "You are the only one on this beach in my eyes."
His confession startles me. I sit up, looking down at him in surprise. "U'dron…"
"I know." The big man grimaces, a show of sharp fang. "You do not wish to hear such things from a male such as me. But it is important to me that you know how I feel anyhow. It does not feel right to carry such a thing and not share it."
I'm stunned. I know we've been flirting around having deeper feelings for each other, but for him to confess like that? To just admit it out in the open all the while giving me that utterly earnest look? I like it. I like it far too much.
"Oh, U'dron," I whisper, moving even closer to him. I lean over his chest, my sand
y, messy hair falling over my shoulder. His eyes are glowing beacons in the darkness, highlighting his proud features and the way he looks at me so possessively yet tenderly. Like I'm the most special thing in the world worth saving.
I should tell him I can't be with him. That I'm a big liar with an ugly past. That I'm not the Raven he thinks he knows.
Instead, I lean over and kiss him.
8
RAVEN
I press my lips to his, sucking lightly at his lower lip as I do. His beard is soft and not scratchy as I thought it would be, more downy like the forearm fur he has. His lips are warm and his breath surprisingly sweet. He also doesn't move as I gently kiss his mouth again, coaxing his lips apart. He doesn't pull away, either, and I start to wonder if U'dron has ever been intimate with anyone at all. No one ever talks about life back on the island, and I suspect they're still in a grieving process over having lost it…but now I'm curious. Was his tribe full of women? Has he ever been touched? Or has he always been lonely?
Funny how I'm no stranger to sex or touching, but I've always felt so very, very alone.
I don't feel alone in this moment, though. U'dron came for me. He won't let Juth leave with me. Even if Juth stole me a hundred times, U'dron would be there a hundred and one to rescue me.
"Thank you," I whisper to him, even as I pepper his mouth with small kisses. "Thank you for caring."
He reaches up and touches my cheek in the most tender of gestures, and that look in his eyes is so bright. Before he can say anything else, I lean in and kiss him again, tentatively swiping my tongue into his parted lips. His breath hitches, and then he pulls me against him, and his tongue meets mine. One big hand clamps at my waist, holding me, as I lean over him and just kiss and kiss and kiss. They're achingly sweet kisses, with teasing flicks of tongue and do nothing more than flirt at a deeper intimacy. I want to grab him and drug myself with the taste of him, but I'm well aware we're on the beach with Juth, so I kiss him a few more times, and then lift my head.
"R'ven," U'dron murmurs, voice hoarse. "We should not…"
Right. Because Juth will get the wrong idea. Because we aren't resonating to one another. Because he doesn't know my secrets. There's a million reasons not to, but I find myself leaning forward and sneaking one more quick kiss, just because. "Maybe when we get back," I whisper.
The look in his eyes is so full of heat and yearning that it makes me eager all over again. I reach between his legs and caress his cock through his loincloth. Maybe I can give him this while we wait.
But he shakes his head at me. "We should not." And he lifts my hand from his groin and presses a kiss to my palm.
It's the first time a guy's ever turned down a free hand job, and never so sweetly. I smile down at him and then snuggle against his chest once more, listening to his heartbeat and the waves of the ocean. When we get back, maybe I can steal a few more kisses, a few more moments with him before I have to adopt my “Raven” persona again.
The thought fills me with dismay, and I suddenly don't want to return to the beach at all.
It's in the morning that I come up with a plan to stall.
I'm still mentally fixated on U'dron's kisses and the feel of his big body against mine. I woke up this morning draped over him, vaguely aware of crawling onto his larger body when another crab scuttled over my foot. Sleeping on the beach is horrible, but waking up to find myself straddling U'dron and the enticing log in his loincloth? Not a hardship.
I might have been naughty and ground down against it as I got off of him, just to hear him groan. I fold my legs and sit by the fire, curled up with the blankets as U'dron adjusts himself and tends to it once more, putting on morning tea.
"We will leave soon," U'dron says, all authority. He glances over at me. "Juth has agreed that he will take supplies from the camp in exchange for your return."
I nod, yawning, only half paying attention. "I'm glad you're joining the tribe. I think you'll like it."
Juth just gives me a silent look. "I did not say we would join."
I blink, glancing over at U'dron. Is that not what this is about? He shrugs back at me. "Okay, well, maybe you'll change your mind when you see how nice it is there."
"I will not change my mind," Juth says. He gestures at the beach. "Out here, my son and I are free. There is no one to give us rules or tell us what to do. We belong to ourselves."
His words make me pause because he's right. Out here, we ARE free. Out here, no pretending is necessary. I'm suddenly in less of a rush to head back, and I think about kissing U'dron last night. So I pull out my acting skills, get to my feet, and immediately collapse again with a gasp.
U'dron is immediately at my side, worry on his face. "R'ven? What is wrong?"
"My stupid ankle." I rub it, wincing. It feels fine, but he doesn't need to know that. If I can't walk, we can't leave, after all. "Maybe something bit it last night?"
"Let me see." The big hunter takes my ankle gently in his grip, running his fingers over my skin. I suck in a breath at the small touch, because it feels so damn good. "There are no wounds."
"Maybe I twisted it, then."
Juth gives me a narrow-eyed look. I ignore him.
U'dron continues to check out my ankle, comparing it to the other one, and then shakes his head. "I will have to carry you back."
Wait, what? I reach for his hand and give him a pleading look. "Can't we just stay out here one more night? What's the harm? We can catch some fish and grill them up and just hang out by the fire."
He studies me thoughtfully, then looks over at Juth, who wears the same impassive expression he always does. "Very well, if you do not mind sleeping on the beach."
"It's fine. One more night isn't going to hurt anything." I give him a sunny smile.
I feel a little guilty as U'dron and Juth set to work. They don't like the look of the clouds too much, so they gather a lot of the driftwood and make a simple lean-to, and then U'dron carries me over to it. While they go fishing for food, I watch Pak, and we entertain ourselves by playing patty-cake. He's never played a hand-slapping game before, and the look of delight on his face as we finish the rhyme each time just makes me ache. Poor kid needs a family and friends to be around. I think of quiet little Rukhar, Harlow and Rukh's son, and Liz and Raahosh's girls. They all play together, with Raashel bossing the other two around, and I bet Pak could use some buddies.
Juth's reluctance to join the tribe, though? I understand it. No one wants to sign up for being seen as “less than” by a group of people. All his life, he's been treated as an outcast, and I don't blame him for thinking that won't change when he joins the others on the beach. After all, I have the same fears. I hide who I am so I can fit in…and it's worked up until now.
Because now I want to kiss U'dron and “share furs” with him, as they like to call it here. I want to share his hut with him and do all kinds of lascivious things. I want to scratch all the sexual itches I've been having, and I want to do it with him. He's so damn attractive to me, and not just because of his appearance—although that is fine as hell—but because I feel like he sees me for who I really am underneath. I'm not a hippie child, I'm not a stripper or an ex-con, I'm just a girl that's a little lonely and has never had anyone to rely on in her life.
I want to tell him the truth about who I am, but I don't know how he'll take it. If he doesn't like it, he'll tell everyone else in the tribe about it and then they'll all know my secrets. I chew on my lip as I go through another round of patty-cake with Pak again, only half-paying attention. Eventually my truth is going to have to come out, but I was hoping to wait until I resonated to someone, because then they couldn't boot me without booting whoever I was attached to.
Wanting to tell the truth because I'm crushing on someone wasn't part of the plan. I don't feel right hooking up with U'dron with a big lie hanging between us, though. A few kisses are one thing—we've all played a few rounds of spin the bottle back on the beach. But actually sleeping with someone? S
omeone that's probably as big a virgin as U'dron? That could make him feel betrayed…or worse, defiled.
Ugh.
I worry about these things all day, even as I watch U'dron from afar. He skips the net as he fishes, wearing it tied at his waist, and opts for spear-fishing instead. He meets with Juth a few times on the shore, speaking quietly, and then they both work together—one herds whatever it is they're hunting over to the area that the other is in, and the second hunter pounces and stabs. It's an effective hunting technique, and when we make an early evening meal, there's thick slabs of pale fish meat, more than enough for all of us to eat our fill. I sprinkle a few herbs on them as they sizzle on a rock, and I notice both Juth and Pak can't take their eyes off the cooking food.
"Will you sing for us tonight?" U'dron asks me after we eat our fill.
I'm surprised at the request. "Tonight?"
He nods. "It would bring me great joy."
I look over at Juth and Pak, but what they think doesn't matter, really. It's U'dron's intense gaze that decides me. I flip through a mental jukebox, trying to decide on what would sound good without any sort of accompaniment. I can't think of a single thing that would sound good with my thin voice, so I do “What a Wonderful World” instead. I want to sing something filthy and sexual—like most of my repertoire—but not with Juth and Pak sitting right across from us.
U'dron breaks into a wide smile when I finish the song. "I like that one."
"I do too." There's something innocent and pure about it. Maybe it was a better choice than singing “I'm a Slave 4 U” and giving U'dron hot, meaningful eyes all night, which was my original thought.
Man, you can take the girl out of the strip club, but you can't take the strip club out of the girl.
Pak shows his dad the “new game” I taught him, and U'dron insists on me showing him, too. It feels a little strange to be playing patty-cake with a grown man, but it's quickly obvious to me that U'dron's just using it as an excuse to monopolize me. He sits across from me and folds his legs under him, sitting close enough that our knees touch, and the first smack of his hand against mine makes me think all kinds of filthy things. So do the secretive little smiles he shoots my way.