by Ruby Dixon
God, I have it baaaad.
I don't know what to do in this situation. Any time I had a thing for someone in the past, I just acted on it. They knew what they were getting into when they dated me, and if a guy didn't like that I took my clothes off for money, that was his problem. I never hid who I was. But the guys I dated in the past were usually not great types. They were party boys, or guys looking to have a good time, not a long time.
I never met anyone like U'dron before. He's kind and caring, putting my needs above his own. Heck, he puts the needs of others above his own, too. I don't think he's had a full meal since he arrived, and Pak and Juth have devoured all the rations he brought with him. The food we catch is plentiful, but I notice that his portions seem to end up with me or with Pak. He worked tirelessly all day to make sure we were comfortable, keeping the fire stoked and building a shelter. I've done what I could to help out, but I'm hobbled by my own stupid lie that I hurt my ankle.
More than that, he looks at me like what I say is important. When I talked to him about why it was important to accept Juth and Pak as people and to think of them as more than outcasts…he listened to me. He weighed my words and considered them.
Me.
It's a heady feeling. Of course, he doesn't realize that I'm just an uneducated girl with questionable choices in life, but I can still enjoy the sensation of being thought of as smart and wise and clever.
The hand-games end, and then we just talk around the fire. Or rather, U'dron talks, because both Pak and Juth don't seem inclined to share anything. U'dron asks Juth how they arrived here, and how they escaped their island, but Juth is stonily silent. So U'dron fills the void, his voice calm and rich and reassuring, and talks of Shadow Cat's journey to the “cold shores” and of meeting us. He talks of the beach games that were called off, and how he dreams of acquiring one of the “magic” knives that need no sharpening.
Juth just grunts at that, as if he doesn't entirely believe such a thing exists.
"We should sleep soon," U'dron comments, glancing over at Pak and Juth. The little boy is drowsing against his father's arm, his mouth slack. Juth looks tired too, his face drawn.
I glance over at U'dron and I can't help but compare his size and strength to Juth. I remember when all of the newcomers first appeared on our beach, they all seemed dazed with everything new in front of them. I remember their wide-eyed looks, their eagerness to play the kissing games, and I remember how wiry their bodies had looked. Maybe it's because of the nature of my business, but I pay attention to people's physical forms. They were fit, sure, ropy with muscle and flat stomachs and tight asses you could bounce a quarter off of. But more than that, I recall seeing far too many ribs, and that when U'dron would bend over to pick something up, I could see the bony knobs of his spine. Their muscles hid just how thin they were, but they were still underweight, and to hear U'dron's stories, it was because what was left of the island wasn't enough to support the three small clans that were left. They'd been starving to death. I look at Juth and I see that same weary hunger in his gaze, that this is the only life he knows, that having a full belly every day and every night is new to him, that he expects mornings where there's nothing to eat, and he expects to go to sleep with an empty stomach.
U'dron's not starving now, I observe. After months of regular meals of more than just lean fish, he's fattened up. What I thought were “nice” muscles before are now mouthwatering. I can no longer see the knobs of his spine when he moves, and his thighs are massive. He's got a build like old-timey wrestlers where he's just a thick slab of muscle and an equally thick neck. Even though he's Shadow Cat clan, he looks like he should be with the bulky Strong Arm clan, size-wise. He's got huge hands, too. Enormous.
I am a big fan of his size, personally. Big, big fan. It's not just that he's delicious to look at—because he is—but it's that he's flourishing. He was meant to be here on this icy beach, living his best life.
Me, I'm not so sure this world needs a stripper ex-con.
"R'ven?"
I glance over at U'dron and realize while I've been sizing him up, he's been talking to me. Oh. Embarrassing. "Hmm?"
"Would you like to sleep?" He rubs his ear, an odd expression on his face, and I realize that he's feeling shy.
That melts me. "Sure, bed sounds good."
He nods and banks the fire, putting a large log onto it as I watch. His arms flex with the heft of the log, a sight that makes me breathless. I can't seem to stop staring at him. His horns are small compared to Tall Horn, and shaped a lot more like those of the sa-khui tribe. They curl along his hairline, to where his thick hair is chopped just below the jaw. A lot of the alien men wear their hair longer, but I like his shorter hair. It frames his wide face nicely, and he keeps his hair held back off his brow with a thong ponytail at the crown of his head. He's about the same age as I'rec and the others, maybe a little older. A'tam is gorgeous in a movie star sort of way, but U'dron is all raw power. His features are a little coarser, but I like that they seem so boldly masculine. His nose is big, true, but it's straight as an arrow and frames his heavy brows nicely. His jaw is square and his neck thick, and he's got a great smile, fangs and all.
Okay, I'm definitely staring too hard. I gather the fur around me and crawl the short distance over to our side of the lean-to. U'dron has thoughtfully placed his pack in the middle of the shelter, providing a divider between us and Juth and his son. I'm sure it was an innocent choice, but I'm also pretty grateful for it, because I absolutely intend on kissing the man again tonight.
I surreptitiously straighten my clothes as he adjusts the wood on fire, smoothing a hand over my long, tangled hair. I'm the palest one in the tribe, thanks to my mom's Nordic roots, and I worry a little that it's not all that attractive to alien eyes. My face is average, but I know I have a good body. Hopefully that'll make up for everything else. I bite my lips to make them flush with color and adjust the oversized tunic I've been wearing, letting it casually slide off one shoulder.
U'dron glances over at me as he abandons the fire, and I smile.
He rubs his ear again, that awkward expression coming over his face. I glance over at the others, but Juth carries Pak to the other side of the shelter and lies down with him, his back turned to me. It's as private as it's going to be, so I toss another welcoming smile in U'dron's direction. If he doesn't come lie down with me tonight, I can get the hint.
But he moves to my side, lies down next to me, and gazes up at the stars again.
9
RAVEN
I adjust the fur blanket over both of us, glancing over at him. I pretend to shiver and move closer to him, subtle creature that I am. "You see any pictures up there tonight?"
"Nothing." He gives me a little smile when our eyes meet. "Perhaps I do not have the mind for it."
"Yeah, well that makes two of us." I settle in next to him, nestling my head in the crook of his shoulder and gazing up at the stars. "But you still look every night?"
His laughter rumbles low in his chest, making my body vibrate. "I do."
"Because you're an optimist?"
"Because it will give me another chance to talk to you if I find one."
My toes curl at that. How sweet is this big lunk? I snuggle against his chest, half-wondering if he's going to push me away. When he doesn't, I put my hand on his stomach. "You know you don't need to come up with excuses to spend time with me. I like hanging out with you."
"Because I am a good drummer?"
Is he fishing for compliments? I can't stop smiling at the thought. "Because you're nice, and you're funny, and you listen to me. It doesn't have to be all about music, just like it doesn't have to be about the stars." I lightly run a fingertip over his broad chest, wondering if he's going to realize that I'm flirting hardcore with him or if he's clueless. "We can just hang out together and talk. Shoot the shit. Get to know each other…better."
"Mmm."
What kind of answer is “mmm”? It tells me nothing
. Here I am, showing all my cards, practically begging this guy to kiss the hell out of me, and he acts like he'd rather get back to star watching. Maybe I misinterpreted last night. I thought he liked the kiss…but then again, he also pushed my hand away. Talk about mixed signals.
I've never really been in this kind of situation before. It usually takes a lot for me to like a guy, because of all the creeps that watch me dance. I've seen the ugly side of humanity far more than the nice one, so when I catch feelings for someone, I let them know right away. I'm usually taken up on it, and while the relationships don't normally last very long, I've never been turned down from the get-go. I can usually read if a guy is into me.
U'dron's sending me all kinds of mixed signals, though. He acts like he cares, but he also makes no move to pick up what I'm laying down. Maybe he's just being tender because that's who he is as a person? And because of who I am as a person, I'm reading it all wrong?
I suddenly feel incredibly uncertain. Not just of whether or not he likes me, but my own desirability. Maybe I am too pale and skinny for someone like him. Maybe he's more into someone like Steph, who's solid and full of curves, and who was working on her degree in psychology. She's smart and cute and has enormous boobs. And she's nice.
And she probably doesn't have a criminal record.
Deflated, I sit up and turn away from him. "Goodnight."
"R'ven?" U'dron's voice is low enough that only I can hear it. "Is something wrong?"
I have the urge to pull the age-old “it's fine” comment out so he can stew on it, but I'm just tired and my pride is a little wounded. He doesn't realize he's done anything wrong, and it doesn't seem fair to lash out at him for that just because it makes me unhappy. "It's all right. I just…read the situation wrong."
His big hand touches my shoulder, ever so lightly. "What do you mean?"
Obviously, I'm going to have to spell it out. Face burning with humiliation, I take a deep breath before speaking, staring at his pack. "I thought you were into me. That you liked me in the way that guys like girls. You know, wanting to share furs. Pleasure mating."
U'dron is utterly silent, and I wince, imagining just how badly that went over.
"Like I said," I begin again. "It was a misunderstanding, and I'm sorry—"
"R'ven." He strokes my shoulder—bared from the wide neckline of his tunic—with his thumb. "I…you are not wrong. I am attracted to you." He huffs a small laugh. "Very much so. Too much so."
I turn, looking over at him with a skeptical glance. "Not sure if there's such a thing as 'attracted to someone too much.'"
U'dron makes an awkward sound in his throat. "It is…difficult."
I sit up, letting the tunic fall down my front and reveal cleavage and just a hint of nipple. I don't fix it. A flare of heat prickles through me when his gaze goes to my breasts. My nipples stiffen, and I reach up to casually thumb one through the tunic. "What's so difficult about it?" I whisper. "Did you like it when I touched you?" I slide my other hand onto his bare chest again, trailing my fingertips over his gloriously soft skin. "Because I really liked touching you."
His gaze flicks over to the pack, where on the other side, Juth and his son are sleeping. "You know I did," he murmurs.
"Then you're not attracted to me too much," I tease, leaning forward. The tunic gapes as I move, revealing all the way down my front, and his gaze goes there, his eyes flaring with heat. "You're attracted just the right amount." I slide my hand down under the blankets, and sure enough, he's hard as a rock, and quite the big boy. Now that's exciting. I've never been with a guy that was super well equipped, and I have to admit, I am more than ready to give him a test drive. I lean over him, lining up our faces, and press a light kiss to his mouth. "Was it the kissing you had a problem with?"
"No," he says, voice hoarse. His gaze moves over me with such hunger that it sends another thrill through my body. "I liked your mouth mating mine."
I liked it, too. I kiss him again, making sure to flick my tongue against his. "Is it because I'm forward? Am I pushing you too hard?" I stroke my hand over his cock again. "I'm just…a girl that likes sex. Does that bother you?"
"I think it would bother me if you did not," he admits. His pupils are blown, and in my grip, his cock twitches. He's wearing a loincloth, but I'm pretty sure I can feel those enticing ridges I've seen on a lot of the men. The islanders—and the sa-khui, actually—are not shy about nudity, and so I've seen a lot of well-built male bodies in the last few months. It's definitely not a hardship. I've always known U'dron is well-equipped, but U'dron hard is very different from U'dron swimming in icy water, and the change is a big one. A very big, very thick change.
"Do you want to touch me?" I ask softly, nipping at his lower lip.
He lets out a low groan, and I almost expect him to hesitate. But he immediately tugs the collar down further, exposing one of my breasts fully, and caresses the tip. It grows tighter under his fingers, and just that small touch sends heat flooding through me. I want more of that. I want his big hands all over my body, exploring and learning. I want to have wonderful, sweaty sex with him. It doesn't have to be here on the beach. For tonight, we can just kiss and cuddle (and okay, do a little boob stroking). With a look of wonder on his face, he rubs my nipple, and I let out a small whimper even as I kiss him again, my lips frantic on his.
"Maybe when we get back to the beach," I murmur, putting my hand over his as he caresses my breast, "maybe you and I try out this pleasure mating thing?"
His expression grows sad. "R'ven…I want to, but I cannot."
He…can't?
At first I think I haven't heard him correctly. But when a look of chagrin steals over his features and he pulls away from my breast, I realize that we're not going to go further than this. He really can't, for some reason. My brows furrow and it's on the tip of my tongue to ask him why…when the obvious answer hits me.
He's attracted to me, but he can't be with me…because he must have resonated to someone else in the time while I was gone.
Oh. Oh god. "Is it…because…you know…?" I swallow hard.
Shame crosses his face. "I did not want to tell you like this."
Shit. It's true. Some bitch back on the beach has stolen my man. "It's all right," I say woodenly, hiking the neckline of the tunic back up to its proper spot. I no longer feel sexy and confident. I feel…kinda like dirt. "Good night."
I lie back down, my back to him, and stare at the pack on my other side. I want him to tell me that I've misunderstood. That everything's all right and he really does want me.
"I am sorry, R'ven. If it was allowed, I would choose you," he murmurs.
"Thanks." It doesn't help. All I can think is that I'm such a fool. Here I thought he was being virginal and shy but still attracted because he liked me. Oh, he likes me all right. It's just that biology has stepped in and decided to pair him up with someone else. His cootie is quiet right now because his mate's back on the other beach.
He must have come after me due to a sense of obligation.
Well doesn't that just suck. And here I was hitting on him, thrilled that the guy who hits all of my physical “wants” and who's kind and caring and plays a mean drum came after me because he likes me. Oh, he likes me…but it doesn't matter.
The number one rule in this new world is that resonance always decides.
10
U'DRON
Guilt churns in my gut as R'ven rolls over and goes to sleep. Why did I say anything? Why? My hand was on her gorgeous teat, and the look on her face was one of sheer pleasure. Her mouth was on mine, her fingers brushing over my cock, and I have never wanted anything as badly as I wanted this beautiful hyoo-man in that moment. But when she brought up pleasure mating, I had to be honest with her.
I cannot take a mate, because I am not a true hunter.
She must have realized this, because recognition dawned on her face and she shrank back from me. My body is filled with shame at the betrayed look on her face. Of c
ourse she wants a real hunter to take care of her and tend to her needs. In the eyes of my clan, I am still nothing but a boy. I will never be anything but a boy until I finish a successful hunt at the proving…and now that will never happen.
I can never have R'ven.
So many words rise in my throat. I watch her as she sleeps, her slender shoulders hunched as she curls around herself. She is but a breath away. She should know that she is the most perfect of females. The most lovely. The most kind. That her spirit sings to mine as fiercely as anything I have ever felt before. That she deserves better than me.
The words will not rise from my throat, though, because despite knowing this…I still want her. The thought of another male touching her makes me mad with frustration and hunger. I think of silent O'jek, with his capable ways and his inclination to go hunting…he would not be right for her. R'ven needs people around her. She likes groups, and O'jek prefers to be alone. I'rec is too fascinated with T'ia and her games, and he has no patience for music. A'tam wants B'shit and R'ven deserves to be first in her male's eyes. And R'jaal…
I clench my fists, because R'jaal would be a good mate to her, but I do not want that. I do not want that at all.
I think of her pretty teat, how she flashed it to me with an inviting look on her face. To think that such a beautiful, desirable female approached me for mating makes my knees weak. If I was a true hunter, I would have her on her back in the sand this very moment, thrusting into her sweet heat. I know R'ven's body would be soft and perfect to the touch, as supple and responsive as the teat I touched so briefly.