Out of Silence

by Ruby Monroe

Life Changing Decision

  Ruby knew she must make a decision and very soon. There was no way she wanted to become pregnant. She didn’t want to deprive George of having children either; after all, he was ten years younger than her and in his prime reproductive years.

  She made an appointment with her gynaecologist, and he agreed to perform a tubal litigation. He didn’t think it was wise for her to become pregnant at her age, especially as a dating single gal. His nurse booked the surgery and hospital stay. Ruby would need to remain in the hospital for one day and night as an in-patient, as there would be no one at home to watch her for the first twenty-four hours following surgery.

  That evening, over dinner, she managed to gather the courage to tell George of her decision. “I made an appointment and saw my gynaecologist today.” She explained her dilemma. “George, I do love you, and I have enjoyed every second of our relationship. You have been good for me. I feel that after my divorce, because you were there to catch me, I didn’t falter. There is only one thing that I won’t do for you: I cannot give you a child. This is unfair, I know, as you are a good, loving, kind and thoughtful father. You deserve complete fulfillment in your life. Maybe that special someone will come along for you to love, and the two of you can make babies.”

  George got up from the table and came to her, offering a huge bear hug. “I didn’t say I was leaving. I just wanted to be upfront and honest with you, because this has been the strength of our relationship.”

  Ruby quoted the advice that Doctor Mitchell had given her. “He said it was not a good idea to get pregnant once you turn 40, mainly due to the possibility of birth defects. Statistics are not on my side for delivering a healthy baby. He suggested that I have this surgery, a tubal ligation, which would prevent me from getting pregnant. It’s not reversible, so he suggested that I think about the surgery for a few days. I have, and I plan to go ahead with the procedure.”

  “That’s my mature, practical lady.”

  “George, I need to do this. I’m sorry, but I just don’t want to risk getting pregnant.” Ruby had no doubt this was the right decision for her.

  They both knew this choice would make a huge difference in their relationship and impact its future. Actually, this pronouncement was the beginning of the end of their support and therapy together.

  “Ruby, I really do understand,” he said. Then he added, “This is the first time our age disparity has ever been an issue. I do appreciate and understand why you’ve made the decision you have and the major impact it will have on our relationship. Please understand mine.”

  Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she said, “George, I do understand, and I believe it is the right decision for you. Please know that I do care very deeply and even love you on so many levels, but I must do this. I didn’t come to this decision lightly, and I am adamant that this is the right choice for me. I hope you understand and can respect my decision also. I’m so sorry.”

  By the look on his face, she knew he understood. Neither one ever put it into words, but they knew that being there for each other and supporting each other was the reason they had hooked up in the beginning. Now it was time for both of them to move on. This was their fork in the road.

  George and Ruby continued their relationship, more off than on, for about six more months. Their love affair had lasted almost two wonderful years, but then he wanted more. They equally cherished having the other in their life and the great times they shared. Both had healed, but as scary as it was, it was time to venture out into the world and find a life mate.

  A few months later, Ruby found her life mate on the squash courts. They were on the same team. A few days before Christmas, the teams were having a few beers after a tough championship match. One of her teammates, Paul, starting talking to her and then asked what she was doing for Christmas. She told him she was busy but not on Christmas Eve. So their first date was a Christmas Eve church service. Paul also invited her to a party at his friend Bob’s place on Boxing Day.

  Paul was a very lanky guy at 6 feet 4 inches, tall enough to be a basketball player, with a very muscular body from playing squash almost every day. Ruby liked his mild-mannered demeanour and his kindness toward her. Like her, he had an undeniable love of animals. Paul was a smart business person who was respected by his clients, competitors and regulators. Ruby felt his love every day. He was a fun travel companion, as his masters degree was in geography.

  Paul pledged his love for Ruby daily, as he loved her deeply. His personality forbade him from using violence to settle differences; he deemed it unacceptable, regardless of who he dealt with or was fighting against.

  Epilogue

  She was so thankful to have had George as a support person. He’d helped her heal and build back her battered self-esteem. This was the main reason she now had the poise and confidence to go out into the world and help others—maybe even to be the bold feminist she had become.

  George and Ruby ended as fond platonic friends. They met for drinks, at first every week, then once a month, then less and less until they no longer needed to share their lives with each other. Both had found someone to love and fill that void in a more permanent way.

  She loved Jason’s parents and visited them frequently, long after the divorce. They never knew about Jason’s cruel and abusive behaviour. His mother, a beautiful lady, would have been mortified. Ruby didn’t tell them out of love and respect; they were good people. His mother did ask her several times what happened to cause her to divorce Jason; naturally, she was curious. Ruby chose to sugar-coat her response. Ruby stayed friends with her mother-in-law and visited her frequently, later with Paul, until she died at age 91.

  I’m free and doing just fine, thought Ruby. Most of the psychological wounds have healed or are healing. There is only one faint lingering question: Why did I put up with the abuse, adultery and fear for so long? I’m a strong person in spite of those years. I’m married to a kind and loving man. I have wonderful children and a great job—everything anyone could want—thanks to George and everyone in my life, past, present and future.

  Through her very strong memories, Ruby is frequently reminded of her strength, determination and love. She no longer hurts from the abuse, physically or mentally. There are no lingering doubts about the depth of her strength and the guts it took to pull herself up and out of the abusive environment. She often feared for her life and the safety of herself and her children over twenty-plus years of that marriage. She was a far stronger person now. The latter part of her story consisted of good memories that lasted for many, many years. Finally putting this memoir on paper has been the best therapy and has put everything in perspective.

  Ruby had come a long way, and she had no interest in looking back. There was nothing back there for her.

  Scars remind us where we’ve been.

  They don’t need to dictate where we’re going.

  —unknown