The Phoenix of Altria

by David M Zahn

  Silently, we all crept toward the backdoor and moved out of the house, shutting the door swiftly and quietly behind us. Graard was standing in the alleyway still watching for people when we heard the squeak again from around the front. Tits must have been the one that saw someone coming.

  Using as much stealth as I could, I went to the side of the building and moved towards the front. If someone was out there, I didn't want them to see a bunch of us coming around the back of their house. Once I reached the edge of the house, I slowly peered out, doing my best to make myself as invisible as possible.

  I looked down the road to the right, but only saw a couple of people off in the distance, nothing that would have caused Tits to alert us. Next, I shifted until I could look the other direction, and this was even more confusing for me. No one was in this direction, not even Tits.

  Caring a little bit less about my stealth, I looked back and forth trying to figure out what was going on, but I couldn't figure it out. Had Tits been found out and captured? Leaving the side of the building, I walked into the street and around the front of the house looking for signs of what had gone on.

  "Guys, there's no one here," I called to the others who were still around the side of the building.

  At these words, the others came around the front of the building and began looking around, puzzled just like I was. After about a minute of this, I heard another loud squeak coming from the bushes in front of the building next door.

  Irritated and gritting my teeth, I walked slowly over towards these plants. Reaching down, I pulled them aside to reveal a silently laughing Eldertits laying on the ground. Once she saw my annoyed face, she lost it completely and began to laugh out loud.

  "Are you fucking kidding me?" I hissed down at her. "You know we're trying not to be noticed, and you sounded the alarm for your own amusement?"

  Her response to this was just to laugh harder. At this, I dropped my hold on the plants and stomped away. I had no desire to be her amusement at the moment.

  "It's fine," I said with no small amount of irritation in my voice. "No one is coming. Tits is over there in those bushes making mischief."

  "I broke one of my picks for her joke?" Rondo asked incredulously. "Does she have any idea how much that set cost me?"

  Elaria didn't say anything. Instead, she walked over in front of the bush, drew her bow, and fired an arrow into it. Normally, I would have thought this was going too far, but at the moment, I seriously wanted to do the same thing myself to the woman.

  A second later, we heard a yelp, and the laughter stopped. Tits emerged after this with an arrow in her shoulder and a sour expression on her face. Ripping the arrow out of her shoulder, she went to hand it back Elaria but then twisted her fingers snapping it and letting the pieces fall to the ground in front of the other elf.

  "What is the matter with you?" Elaria asked, staring at the other women. "You've probably blown our cover to these people. Because of you, it's only a matter of time till they figure out that someone is on to them."

  "It's good to see you too, baby," Tits said icily back to the other elf as a small amount of blood trickled down her arm.

  Elaria ignored her and turned around to the rest of us and asked, "What do you want to do now?"

  "Well, as I said inside, we're not getting through that steel trap door now," Rondo said crossing his arms. "That lock is thoroughly jammed now."

  "Why don't we just lie-in-wait for these humans to get home?" Iasz said. "We can grab them, and then I'll put the screws to them until they talk. Trust me, they always talk."

  Staring into the little goblin's eyes, I said, "They don't always talk. We're not torturing anyone. I'm not about to endorse that. Still, waiting for them to get home is a good idea. We could follow them to see where they go and who they talk to."

  "That's going to take all night," Eldertits said sighing. "Waiting for you all here was boring enough already."

  "I think it's a good idea," Elaria said quickly.

  "You don't have to participate if you don't want to, Tits," I said, "No one is forcing you."

  "Technically, Katarina Amarion is forcing me," Tits quipped back quickly.

  "Alright, I'll give you that one," I responded, "but you don't have to participate in this part if you don't want to."

  She crossed her arms and then said, "No, it's fine. I will, and look, I'm sorry about earlier. I just hate this investigating bullshit. I'd much rather charge in at an enemy, guns blazing than slinking around this godforsaken town."

  Chuckling, I responded, "That much is obvious. Just please don't do anything like that again."

  Tits and Rondo looked expectantly at Elaria until the ranger blurted out, "What? I'm not apologizing. She was asking for it."

  Chapter Twelve: Stalking Suspects

  "Do you think they'll come back out?" I asked.

  "Well, let's hope so, or we're going to be up here all night," Eldertits responded.

  The six of us and Minty were on the rooftop of a building catty-corner and down the street from the house we were investigating. It gave us a good vantage point. We had been up on the rooftop for a couple of hours and first saw a woman come home followed by a man.

  We assumed, pretty safely in my opinion, that they were a married couple. The only problem we had now was that we were sitting up here waiting for one or both of them to leave the house, and it was boring work. Of course, there was always the chance they didn't leave, and we'd be up here all night. I didn't even want to think about what Tits might do if that happened.

  Still, I suppose this was how a stakeout worked. We'd just have to stay on these two until they did something suspicious. If it took days, then it would take days. Personally, as bored as I was, I couldn't say I wasn't used to this kind of thing, sitting around that is. Before I came to Alderoth, that was really all I did, and I was exceptionally good at it.

  My small chuckle at my own joke caused Elaria to look over at me and ask, "Is everything alright?"

  "I'm fine. I was just remembering something from my life before I came to this world," I replied.

  "Well, let's try to focus," Elaria responded, never taking her eyes off of the building.

  "Yeah, focus Ryland. You might end up missing that door staying shut," Eldertits quipped.

  Elaria huffed but didn't look at the other woman. It seemed she was determined to ignore her as much as possible, which was probably for the best. I healed the barbarian's arm after Elaria shot her, and after that, Tits acted like nothing happened.

  "Here's an idea. Elaria can keep watching that door not move and the rest of us can play a game called who's inside of me while we wait," Eldertits said. "Who's all in?"

  Turning my head, I cocked an eyebrow at her. In the process of doing this, I caught a glimpse of Rondo, and he looked like he might actually be interested in playing or at least being the one inside.

  His face fell when he caught sight of the two goblins, and Eldertits must have seen this because she leaned over to him and whispered, "It's not gay if you don't make eye contact with them while you're both inside of me."

  Turning back towards the house, Rondo grumbled, "I'm out."

  This caused the slightest of smirks to form on Elaria's face, though it quickly went back to normal. I just shook my head to Eldertits when she looked at me, though surely, she knew my answer before she even asked.

  "Really? A hot elven babe is offering to sleep with you all and none of you are up for this?" Eldertits asked annoyed.

  "If you wish to mate afterward I am willing," Iasz responded, "but for now we must focus on the task at hand."

  "Ha," Elaria exclaimed. "You know you are a useless slut when even goblins are turning you down."

  "Oh, look Elaria," Eldertits exclaimed excitedly, "that door is still shut tightly, just like your legs."

  "And look," Elaria responded as the door actually opened, "it's opening just for one person, not the whole town."

  As she said this, the man exited the ho
me and shut the door behind him. He was an ugly, rugged-looking man with more hair on his chin than on the top of his head. His clothes looked to have seen better days, but knowing what they had inside, he really didn't have many more options in this department.

  "Okay, a group of us needs to follow him while the rest stays here in case the woman leaves," I said, keeping my eye on him as he walked down the street.

  "I'll follow him," Eldertits volunteered immediately.

  This caused Elaria to say, "I'll stay here."

  "Alright, I'll go with Tits," I said. "Iasz, will you and Graard stay here with Elaria?"

  "Sure," the goblin muttered, not seeming to care.

  "Rondo, will you come with us?" I asked the other man.

  "Yeah, that's fine," Rondo responded.

  "Tits, lead us off of this rooftop," I said as the barbarian began moving back toward the side that we climbed up on. "Elaria, let us know if anything changes here."

  "Will do," Elaria responded without looking at me.

  After this, I followed Eldertits to the side of the building and climbed down via the improvised foot and handholds we found on the wall. After climbing the cliff to get to the Black Gate, climbing this house was easy. This was a nice boost of confidence for my self-esteem which normally hovered somewhere between you're fuck clueless and you really have no idea what you're doing. In Roselake, I was almost starting to feel like I was getting the hang of things in my new world. Old men can learn new things, we just don't like to.

  Once we were at the base of the building, it only took a couple of seconds to locate our target. He wasn't exactly moving in a hurry down the street. Instead, he lazily walked back toward the docks.

  We stayed where we were until he cut inland up the main street toward the Rose and Thorn. After this, we quickly ran over to the main street and located Mr. Fisherman as he moved up the street.

  It turned out he wasn't just moving toward the Rose and Thorn; the Rose and Thorn was his target. As he entered the building through the front doors, we lost sight of him once more. Straightening up, we walked casually over to the entrance and entered about half a minute after him.

  Luckily, our target went up to the bar and ordered a drink. This was good for us in that it allowed us to easily locate him within the inn, but bad for us in that it didn't look like he was in a hurry to lead us anywhere suspicious. Instead, he sat down with a couple of other blue-collar men at a table not far from the bar.

  Going over to the bar, I ordered three beers for our group, and then we settled in at a table where Rondo and I could keep an eye on the target while Tits would just have to pretend to be talking to the two of us. Something that wouldn't be difficult for her to do.

  "Well, at least we can drink here," Tits said.

  "Let's try not to drink too much," I responded, giving her a look. "We need to stay focused, and we might need to leave at any moment."

  "Okay dad," Eldertits responded sounding annoyed. "What is with you people today?"

  "I don't like this investigative stuff either," I hissed at her. "I'm obviously not a detective, but this is the task we were given, and the sooner we complete it the sooner we get to leave this village."

  "Oh, look at Ryland actually making good points for once," Eldertits said a little too condescendingly. "What's Mr. Fisherman up to? Wait, let me guess. Is he sitting on his ass drinking? No? Oh my god, he's butt fucking his way through the room, isn't he?"

  "He's playing some kind of card game with his buddies," I responded. "The lovely innkeeper still hasn't brought him his drink yet."

  "God damn it, that means it's going to take longer to get ours," Tits said sighing.

  "This guy is going to be here awhile," Rondo said. "That looks like a gambling game."

  Elaria: Mrs. Fisherman is on the move and we are following.

  Ryland: We're back at the Rose and Thorn. Mr. Fisherman is currently playing a game of cards with some buddies.

  Elaria: Keep us posted if anything changes. I'll let you know where Mrs. Fisherman ends up.

  Ryland: Sounds good.

  "Hopefully Mrs. Fisherman gets up to something more interesting than the mister," Eldertits said. "Maybe I should have stayed on her instead."

  "Well, let's hope she leads them to something that will help us make a breakthrough in this investigation," I responded.

  After this, we finally received our beers from the lady of the house. Scowling, she dropped them on the table, splashing beer all over. Not waiting for us to say anything, she marched away to her customary station at the bar.

  "I'm always so impressed by the service in this place," Rondo said dryly, picking up one of the glasses and using his sleeve to wipe the beer dripping down the side off of it.

  "She certainly looks like she could use a change in occupations," I responded, wiping down my own beer. "I don't think she enjoys being an innkeeper."

  "Nah, all she needs is a good fuck," Eldertits said, not bothering to clean off her glass. "I've seen that face before, and that is the face of a woman that hasn't been laid in a long time. Elaria actually has a similar face come to think of it. Rondo, if you could just slip inside of her tonight you'd be doing all of us a favor."

  "Come on Tits, play nice," I said. "You and Elaria need to stop going after each other. We're all on the same team here, and I know you like each other whether or not you'll admit it."

  "And I'm not about to try anything with that woman that she doesn't want me to," Rondo said. "I'm pretty sure she'd cut my dick off and use it to suffocate me by shoving it down my throat if I tried anything like that."

  "I can't believe you don't want to fuck that tight blonde ass," Tits shot back surprised.

  "I didn't say that," Rondo replied grinning sheepishly. "I just don't want to get maimed or killed for it."

  "I knew it," Eldertits said loudly and excitedly. "Ryland, we're making an agreement right now to get that big black cock inside of the most racist pussy south of the Rio Grande."

  "Uhh," I said, not quite sure how to respond to this.

  Rondo, for his part, just laughed and took a drink in response to this outburst.

  "Seriously guys, do you know how fucking poetic that would be?" Eldertits asked, still seemingly adamant. "Ryland, we are making this happen."

  You have received a new quest: Bare-Backed by a Black.

  "Eldertits is requesting your assistance in getting Elaria of Ithielthiel to fornicate with a Black. Black for this quest is defined as a dark-skinned human or dark elf."

  Type: Common

  Reward: 50 XP, 1000 reputation points with Eldertits, -300 reputation points with Elaria

  Penalty for Decline or Failure to complete: -100 reputation points with Eldertits

  Do you accept this quest?

  Yes or No?

  This was by far the most absurd quest I ever received in Alderoth. There was no way in hell I was going to get involved in this.

  "Tits," I said, declining the quest, "I am staying out of this one. If you want to get Elaria to sleep with a black, that is on you, but she's an adult and can do what she wants with herself."

  "What do you mean by sleep with a black?" Rondo asked setting his drink down. "I thought you were talking about me and her?"

  Tits briefly looked disappointed after I declined her quest, but just smiled and responded to Rondo with, "I mean, you would be the easiest option, but if she doesn't go for you I'm open to others."

  Rondo sighed, shook his head, and then said, "And here I thought y'all were going to help me out."

  I threw my hands up in the air in a placating gesture and replied, "Look man, I think you and Elaria would make a cute couple, but that's between the two of you. You're going to have to make that happen on your own if you want that."

  As soon as I finished, Eldertits added, "I could always hold your dick and help guide it in if you're having trouble finding where it could go."

  "I think I can figure out that part on my own, thanks," Rondo replied,
picking up his drink and taking another sip.

  Elaria: Mrs. Fisherman has met up with another man. They are definitely moving carefully and acting like they don't want to be followed.

  Ryland: This could be it. Stay on them and keep us updated. No change here with the mister. He looks to be very much enjoying his game.

  "Do you think I can force my way into that card game?" Eldertits asked.

  "No, why would you do that?" I asked annoyed. "We need to stay unnoticed here, and you barging in and demanding to play is hardly inconspicuous."

  "Maybe I could get some information out of him by talking to him," Eldertits carried on, ignoring my previous statement.

  "You don't care about that, Tits," Rondo said laughing. "You're just bored and want to stir some shit up."

  "When I stir shit up it always seems to work out in our favor, though," she said, winking at Rondo, and then before either of us could stop her, she stood up, marched over to the table our target was sitting at, and began talking to the three men seated there.

  "Oh, fuck me," I muttered under my breath. "She's going to blow this whole operation."

  "Yeah, I wouldn't put it past her to just come out and tell the man we think he's abducting people," Rondo whispered to me.

  One of the men suddenly got up and pulled over a chair from another table for her. Tits sat down in it, and then to my dismay, pointed at Rondo and me while saying something to the three men at the table. The three men laughed, and one of them began dealing cards out.

  "Now she's gone and tipped them off to us," I said to Rondo, finishing off my drink. "I think I need another beer."

  "Well, if it comes to a fight, they don't look all that tough," Rondo replied, downing the rest of his own drink.

  "I hope it doesn't come to that," I muttered, cracking my knuckles.

  The two of us sat there watching Tits laughing and drinking with the men while playing the card game. I couldn't see the game well enough to tell what was going on, but the men seemed to be enjoying Eldertits' company. One of them even got up and went to the bar to request another drink when Tits ran out of hers. The man handed something over to the tavern keeper, presumably money, and sat back down at the table.