Chapter 13
The problem with reality was when you took yourself away from it, even for a short time, the accumulation of unreal occurrences combined to make what could only be described as unreality.
And unreality was a world that didn’t follow the usual rules and allowed personal thoughts, the very essence of oneself to change, to evolve or deteriorate, to be that person or become another without reason because unreality was not real.
After several days of distant thoughts, tired emotions and fragmented memories, Helena was unable to process the sudden appearance of her workbag containing her clothes, phone, books and iPad. She had not brought it with her when she had arrived at her parents’ home; all she had brought were the clothes she had been wearing and a sheet of tablets the site doctor had given. Her mother, seeing her empty stare, had brought her in, run her a bath and had said very little. She had given her warm pyjamas and made up the sofa bed before letting her rest. And rest Helena had. Days it had been. Wake, eat, and fall back asleep. The pills helped keep thoughts and memories from becoming real, instead allowing her a drowsy stupor, not letting her know what day it was or even how or why she had come to her childhood home, all she knew was that this was better than the alternative.
Now her workbag sat at the end of the bed, its mysterious arrival causing Helena to sit up slowly. She methodically began checking its contents. The sight of her work clothes had brought her close to panic, the idea of checking her phone felt hazardous, even her iPad might hold some hidden danger and drag her down to a depth from which she couldn’t resurface. So, she left her bag and rested her head back on the cushions and closed her eyes searching for the peace of unreality. What was so dangerous about the work clothes? Why didn’t she want to check her phone—who was she afraid of? Jim? She bit her lip when his name entered her thoughts. Was she scared of him or angry with him or was it something else? Helena didn’t know. All she knew was that if she wrapped the soft blankets around her body as tight as she could, she would be safe. And so she did.
*****
Waking to the dark of night, Helena’s mind battled to make out her surrounds. The ceiling fan hung above her, its three blades highlighted in the moonlight and reminded her she was back at her parents’ home, in the spare room, her once bedroom. Two long frames of family photos hung on the wall with Helena’s old dusty dressing table in between. And then she noticed something strange. A large silhouette sat at the end of her bed. She looked sharply at the shape and startled when the figure moved ever so slightly. Helena could make out a man’s back, square shoulders, his body sitting over the side of the fold-out bed. The hunched figure breathed slowly, though from his positioning she knew he could not be asleep. She didn’t want to startle the person and knew her slightest movement would alert him to her conscious state. She closed her eyes, hoping to fall back asleep only to find her heart thumping too hard and fast.
Was she dreaming? She reopened her eyes. The figure remained. His posture was one of defeat, a tired person at their end, much like herself. It could be an illusion, it may be just another unreality, another moment of declining madness as she waited to be swallowed whole. Only he, yes it was definitely a man, was there sitting at the end of her sofa-bed. Though the darkness hid his face, she knew who it must be sitting there with his head in his hands.
“Jim?” Helena’s voice sounded sick and gravelly, its lack of use obvious. His head turned in the darkness, his expression unfathomable.
He didn’t answer.
“What are you doing here?” She tried to sit up, but found herself bound by twisted blankets. She heard an unusual rustling sound as she wriggled. He had something under his hand that was making the noise. He laughed bitterly then shook his head, “Me?”
“What’s so funny?”
He sounded defeated, “Nothing. How are you feeling?”
She was weak, confused and fatigued, but couldn’t bear to talk about that so she answered, “I’m okay. You?”
Again, he chuckled bitterly, “Yeah, I’m okay, now. You scared me.” He didn’t elaborate.
Helena didn’t understand, but a dim part inside herself sparked to life. “What did I do?”
She saw him stiffen, his head turned as if to speak to her, but then turned away slowly. Again, she heard the rustle. “You didn’t do anything,” he said smoothly. “It’s just… When I didn’t hear from you… I didn’t know you were here, and when I came here looking for you, your mum said you weren’t well.” It was clear Jim chose the words carefully.
“I’m fine.” Helena folded her arms defiantly.
“Oh, well that’s a relief then,” he bit back.
“I didn’t ask you to run around after me.” Her annoyance made her feel better, stronger.
“No, you just disappeared off the face of the earth. Sorry for caring.”
She pointed her finger in his shadowed face. “Since when do you care about me?”
He moved up the sofa bed so that they sat face-to-face. She realised then that it had been a bag of frozen peas that had created the rustling sound, his hand resting on it. Jim struggled to keep his voice low. “What? Are you shitting me right now? You, who didn’t bother to let me know you were going AWOL? Who didn’t even take her phone out to let anyone know where she was, are lecturing me on caring for others?” There was something in what he said that sent alarm bells off with Helena, but she ignored it as a rush of angry energy surged through her. Her response was immediate.
“You care where and when it suits you, Jim. Face it; if Kelly clicked her fingers, you would be jumping for treats. I could be dying of a heart attack and you wouldn’t notice. You only care right now because you feel like caring.”
He scoffed, “Yeah, that’s it, you’ve got me, I only care about you when I feel like it. Forget the past twenty years when I’ve done everything for you.”
“What have you ever done for me?”
“Seriously? Are we going to do this? Fine. Let’s see, I’ve looked after you, I paid the bills and rent for years, I’ve always put you first…”
“When? When have I ever come first?” He was now only inches from her. Helena could feel the heat radiating off him. The bag of frozen peas fell to the floor. Even in the darkness she could see the lines under his eyes, he was unshaven and hadn’t brushed his hair for days. Again, a distant thought tried to gain her attention, but she ignored it, concentrating on his words so she could prepare for her next rebuttal.
“Everything I do, every thought I have starts and ends with you and if you’re too blind or stubborn or stupid to see it, there’s nothing I can do.”
The kindling had done its job, the fire which had been growing inside her burst to life. “I’m not stupid!” she shouted. “If you cared so much, why didn’t you tell me about that ring?”
“What ring?”
“So, you are lying to me as well.” She had used her ace and had gotten the expected result. He turned away from her, his face re-joining the shadows.
“It’s complicated,” he said, all anger drained from his voice.
“I bet,” she couldn’t help but add.
She wanted him to fire back, but he stood up, “I think I’ll go home and get some sleep.”
It wasn’t until he was out of the room and the door clicked shut that her anger and hurt dampened enough for her to put the thoughts and alarms together to realise Jim probably hadn’t slept in days. He must’ve gone and got her things from the mine. He had been looking for her and not rested until he knew she was okay. And then there was the mystery of the frozen peas?
The combination of many realisations crushing in on her all at once made Helena groan as a likely scenario played out in front of her. She slapped herself on the forehead swearing then jumped out of bed. Her leg muscles felt wobbly as she propelled herself out of the room. She trampled through her parent’s home, bashing into several objects before finding the front door. She opened the door and caught a glimpse of Jim’s car making its way
down the street.
“What the hell? Helena is that you? What’s going on?” her father’s voice called down the hallway.
She closed the door and turned back, “Sorry Dad, it’s complicated.”
Chapter 14
It was too much. Just too much.
There were words for the feelings that ate at Jim from inside out. The pain poured from every part of him and there was no escape. Hels’ words left deep bloody wounds that were rapidly festering. He hated being in a house surrounded by her. She was on every wall, in every room, their endless memories playing out like old family videos in his mind. She was throwing popcorn on the couch next to him, trying to get it in her mouth but missing every time. On the floor she was laughing so hard that she couldn’t breathe. As he looked up she was walking out into the hallway in her stunning black dress, and then he was kissing her over an empty wine bottle on the rug. He remembered how hard it had been to stop. Even tonight as they argued and she had carried on, he had wanted to kiss her again; he wanted to shut that annoying mouth of hers up with his own.
But she was determined to hurt him and hurt him she had. At least he understood now. She must’ve seen the ring and she was hurt that he hadn’t talked to her about it. He got that, but why couldn’t she just talk normally to him, why all the drama? Why did it have to be all about her? God, she was so pig-headed. She drove him crazy, crazy with frustration, crazy with worry, crazy with… care. Yet, she didn’t think he cared for her. He swigged down the rest of his glass of scotch. The bruises on his knuckles were painless now though the sweet memory of punching Alex in the face was still clear as a bell. Who needed frozen peas when copious amounts of alcohol were available anyway? He was a machine, he barely felt anything. He should drink more, he reasoned as he poured himself a double. “This should have an effect,” he concluded then tossed it back.
He was right.
*****
Helena swirled the white blob, the last remnants of a drowning marshmallow, around and around in her hot chocolate. Her father slurped his tea and cleared his throat, “It’s good to see you up and about.” She nodded still staring into her mug. He yawned, “You know Jim, he does well by you.” Then he got up, scratched himself and went to bed leaving Helena alone with her bitter thoughts.
Oh good, another guilt trip laid at my feet. It was bad enough knowing that he had gone up to the mine to look for her, and that he had waited patiently for a whole day just to make sure she was okay, he’d also had her temper to deal with until finally she all but threw him out. Thanks Dad, yes, he does well by me, but not always. Not with that stupid ring of his and his little secrets. Helena huffed as she remade her bed and found herself sparking with frustrated energy. She couldn’t go back to sleep. The bag of frozen peas laid mockingly next to her, suggesting what Jim had likely done up at the mines. Didn’t he know she could fight her own battles? She looked at her workbag and pulled out her phone. She plugged it into a charger and waited for it to wake from its slumber. She busied herself checking the clothes Jim had packed for her. He seemed mostly concerned with her underwear. The only thing she couldn’t find was her work gear and wondered whether he had assumed she wouldn’t go back. Maybe he was right, though it was still too soon to make that decision.
Her phone beeped to life, the familiar ding for messages sounded within moments. She flicked the screen on then began reading several quick-fire messages from, who else, Jim. In reading the messages in reverse order it made for an interesting deceleration. His last one read ‘If you’re okay let me know, coming up to you. Not sure what’s going on.’ Then there were a lot of messages telling her to call, asking if she was annoyed at him, checking to see if she was okay. Eventually she found his first message. It was probably the oddest. ‘Have tried to call but phone seems off. Need to talk to you, it’s important. Call me. Been thinking too much and you know that’s never good.’ That had been four days ago. She wondered what he had wanted to discuss. Maybe he had finally decided to tell her about the ring. Or was it something else? She listened to his voice messages, this time starting in chronological order. “Hey, how are you? Look I need to talk to you. Can you call me back, I need to tell you something. And I need to ask you something. Just call me okay.” The next couple of messages were a bit bossier with him demanding she call him. The last two were a little more interesting. “Listen Hels, I can’t sleep, you’ve got me so worried, and I bet it’s just a broken phone. Sorry about all the messages, just want to know you’re okay. Just have this bad feeling. Call me, hey?” The last one started with a pause then he spoke, “You are stupid and annoying you know that? When I see you next time, we’re going to talk about some things and get everything straightened out. I’m tired of all this craziness. I’m coming to find you or die trying.” She heard him take a deep breath and hung up. Knowing how much he worried for her made Helena wish she could talk to him. Maybe he could tell her what he had wanted to say, and she wouldn’t bite his head off for trying. She looked at the phone, the solution was so blindingly obvious she almost didn’t see it.
Jim picked up on the third ring. “I can’t find it,” he said upon answering.
“Find what?”
“The ring. Do you know how much it cost?”
There was a youthful quality to his voice, she knew it well. “How much have you drunk?”
He paused obviously pondering her question as though it were the meaning of life, “Not much. I don’t think I’m drunk. Hels?”
She couldn’t help but smile, “What Jim?”
“I have to take it back.”
“Take what back?”
“The ring. It was eight grand,” he emphasised the number to make an obvious point.
She scoffed. “I can’t believe you spent eight grand on a piece of jewellery for Kelly.”
“Shhh… Don’t tell anyone, but I think it might be a mistake,” he whispered.
“Oh, I won’t.”
“And I asked her father for permission.”
“That was a bit dumb then.”
“I don’t think he likes me. I don’t think she likes me either. I don’t care for her Hels, you know deep down, it’s not there.”
His honesty cancelled any remarks she may have been tempted to make. “Then why did you want to propose to her in the first place?” It still made so little sense and she was determined to find out all the information while he had a healthy dose of truth serum, a.k.a. alcohol, in his system.
“I panicked.”
“Why?”
“It’s because… Oh! Here is the ring. No, that’s not it. Hey, I found a dollar.”
Helena held a growl of annoyance and instead repeated the question, “Why did you want to propose to her then?”
“I panicked… No, it’s okay, I promised myself I wouldn’t say.”
“Come on Jim. We’re best friends. You can tell me anything.”
“No, not lately. Best friends,” he made a humphing noise. “I don’t know.” She could feel his mood changing, the negativity rising.
She changed the subject, “Why is there a bag of frozen peas in my room, Jim?”
“Because I punched him.”
“Who?” But she already knew the answer.
“He lied about you and I called him a dick.”
She laughed, of all the things he might call Alex, a ‘dick’, while accurate, was hardly tough miner talk. “Did he punch you back?”
“No, no… I punched him pretty hard. And it felt good. Hey, I defended your honour. I should get your handkerchief or something.”
“I don’t have one.”
“Oh well, maybe your Bintang singlet then?”
“Maybe.”
“I’ve got to find this ring.”
She thought for a moment then decided she should tell him before he wrecked the place looking for it. “I know where it is.”
He brightened immediately. “Really? Where?”
“I saw a strange box in the laundry. I didn’t know w
here to put it so I popped it in the basin cupboard.” She heard him go and rummage through the cupboard then made a loud ‘Aha’ sound.
“Found it. Hels, you’re a lifesaver. You are the best. I mean you, you are so stupid and annoying sometimes, but you are also the best.”
“You too Jim, on both counts.”
“I’m not as annoying as you.”
She was going to say that was true, he was far, far more annoying, but refrained as she wanted to keep him happy. He continued, “It’s pretty. I wanted to paint it in the sunlight. Sparkle, sparkle. Seems a waste to take it back.”
Helena could hold her tongue no longer. “No, Jim. Take it back. You’re right. Don’t marry someone you don’t love.”
“Aha,” he agreed. “But what about someone I do love?”
She froze. Her voice failed her. She wanted to ask more, but couldn’t. Without thinking, she fell backwards onto the bed, the phone pulled out of its charger and went dead.
“Shit!” She exclaimed. Her heart beating wildly, Helena plugged the phone back in, waiting for it to charge. What did he mean? He loved someone else? Who? He couldn’t mean…
A ‘ding’ sounded and a new message appeared. It was from Jim. ‘So sorry I done love you and thing we are wrong for each other. Sorry.’
The shock took several moments to take full effect. Helena sat down on the sofa bed, shaking her head and staring at the message. She knew Jim was drunk, knew he didn’t know how she felt— she barely knew how she felt herself—how could he think they were wrong for each other, they hadn’t even discussed being together. But if that was what he wanted, she should respect it, no matter how much it hurt. It was just that Helena could not work out how he had known she loved him when she had only just realised it herself.
Chapter 15
Boom. Boom. Boom.
The thudding vibrated through his skull. His entire body ached as he tentatively rolled onto his side.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
Jim’s eyes squinted at the brilliance of the early sunlight. He realised he was on the floor of his living room, not a good sign, and tried to remember what happened. Helena was okay. She was at her parent’s house and back to her fighting best. After their argument he had come home and drunk… a lot. Jim looked around amazed at the mess. Had he been robbed? A part of his mind told him no, he had done this, but why?
Double Dare Page 7