He wandered down to the hotel’s private beach. The sun was not yet up, but the light shades of blue running across the sky told him it wouldn’t be long. He laid down on a hotel lounge chair and watched the waves break. Jim shook his head. So much for keeping things uncomplicated.
*****
A powerful knock sounded at the door. Helena woke to a strange new world, one where she knew Jim’s naked body, knew his touch, knew his love. She could still taste his skin on her tongue and smell his musk on the sheets. She could still hear his words of love and yells of pleasure.
The knock came again, louder, and Helena opened her eyes. The room was empty. No Jim, but plenty of mess. She was still naked, but now when she looked at her body, she remembered how Jim had looked at her, like she was both a precious gem, but also his prey. There had been no mistaking his desire, his need for her equalling her own for him.
The knock came again.
Dammit, what’s the time? Didn’t they know this was supposed to be a holiday and people like to sleep on holidays? Helena was surprised to find her muscles were tight and sore. She rolled off the bed. “Fuck me,” she said and smiled at the irony. She picked up her sarong and wrapped herself in it. Each step to the door shot pain up her legs. Jesus, Jim, she wondered, what the hell did you do to me?
Helena opened the door to find Kelly about to knock again. Kelly kept her fist held high as she shrieked, “Where is he?” She shook her fist in Helena’s face. Normally Helena might have been tempted to curl up a fist of her own, but she was tired, sore and to be honest, didn’t care enough about Kelly to return fire.
“Who? Jim?” she asked ignoring the angry gesture.
“Yes, Jim! Of course, Jim! That’s his name, you know.” Something was different about Kelly. Helena had seen Kelly angry before, seen her swear and throw cushions at the TV during football matches, but today she was bitter and haggard. Kelly looked like she had aged 20 years over night. She was not wearing any make-up, Helena realised. It was like seeing the real Kelly for the first time and, surprisingly, she didn’t hate her. She only felt sorry for her.
“Come in,” she offered. Kelly pushed through and gave the room a once over.
“He’s not here?”
Helena shook her head.
“I’m going crazy, Helena. Ever since he gave me this ring, it’s like… Everything is wrong. I look at how he is with you, and I want that, but then it’s like he doesn’t need me because he’s got you.”
Helena sat on the bed thinking. She imagined what all this must be like from Kelly’s point of view. How her boyfriend always talked to someone else, joked with someone else, shared himself with someone else. But as sorry as she felt for Kelly, she didn’t feel guilty for making love to Jim—no, she knew that it was more real than any phoney engagement and what they had somehow transcended normal relationships. “I’m sorry, Kelly.” It was all she could say.
Kelly nodded. Her eyes clouded over and she took a deep breath, “Do you love him?” She watched Helena, desperate for her to lie.
Maybe it was because of the tiredness, maybe because it was just too undeniable, but Helena couldn’t lie. She looked for the words and couldn’t find them, deciding instead to go with a simple nod. “I’m sorry.”
Kelly shrugged, and slumped against the TV unit behind her, tears welling in her eyes. “He loves you too, you know? I just don’t get why he’s marrying me.”
Helena was careful not to respond, she honestly had no idea why Jim had kept up the pretence. She found some tissues and handed them to Kelly. “What about you, do you love him?” Helena asked.
Kelly’s face went pale as though considering the thought for the first time. “It’s strange. I do, but it’s like I’m always wanting more, you know? I always think I’ll love him more when we get married or when he stops being friends with you, or when some other big change happens, you know? It’s like he’s a project to me.”
Helena laughed at the honesty. It was so refreshing after dealing with Jim’s half-truths all the time.
“Is that how you feel about him too?” Kelly wondered aloud.
No, Helena thought, it was nothing like how she felt. Her love for Jim was so strong, so pure he didn’t have to do anything, be anything. She could never see him again and she knew she would still love him until her dying breath and beyond. “It’s different, we’ve been friends for a long time,” she answered diplomatically.
Kelly rolled her eyes. “And how can I compete with that?”
“We’re not in competition.”
“Really, Helena? We both love him, but he can’t decide so he keeps us both around and now you’ve won.”
“He chose you. That’s why you’ve got that ring on your finger.”
“This?” Kelly said, gesturing to it. “It tells me he loves me, but this,” she said and pointed to her heart, “tells me he loves you.”
It didn’t help that Helena’s own heart felt the same, but she shook her head all the same. “Come on Helena, you know it too. It just doesn’t make sense.”
“He used to tell me everything,” Helena admitted, “but lately, he’s been different. I don’t know what he’s thinking anymore. At first I thought it was because he had you, but now I just don’t know.”
Kelly’s eyes widened, determination fixed on her face, “Maybe we should go ask him then?”
Helena nodded. Maybe it was time he told them what the hell he was thinking.
Chapter 24
“There’s that bloody idiot,” Kelly muttered.
It hadn’t taken long to find him, and now that they had, there was no way he would be avoiding their questions. He lay on the lounge chair by the seaside, his teeth chattering as he slept. Helena put a hand on his clammy forehead and felt his rising temperature. He opened his eyes at her touch. “Hels?” She smiled at the bloody idiot, as Kelly had rightly called him. He smirked through chattering teeth.
“You bloody idiot,” Kelly yelled. “What are you doing out here? Look, you’ve made yourself sick again, what were you thinking?”
Jim sat up slowly. Helena guessed he felt as sore as she did. “Bloody idiot,” she said under her breath.
He could only shrug weakly. “I wanted to watch the sunrise,” he said softly. Helena helped him up and he put an arm around her shoulder for support. “I don’t feel too good.”
“You don’t look too good,” she agreed.
Kelly went quiet as she watched them, her eyes boring into Helena’s. Helena could see the hurt, the accusation, the threat, but didn’t bother responding. If Kelly loved him so much, she could help too.
“We have something to ask you Jim and it can’t wait.”
He nodded, and then, with Helena’s help, began plodding back towards the hotel. “Maybe now isn’t the time,” Helena suggested. All she cared about now was getting Jim to bed and then working out how to get a doctor. Kelly kicked the sand in frustration behind them before turning and stomping away down the beach.
“Thanks,” Jim whispered.
Helena shook her head, “Don’t think you’re getting away with it that easy.”
He winced, looking back at the storm clouds brewing over Kelly’s head. “I feel like I’ve been run over by a freight train. What did you do to me?” he whispered. It was nice to have him so close again so soon. Despite his flu coming back and Kelly’s evil stare, she relished the feel of his body leaning on hers.
“Sorry I kept you up all night,” she apologised. “I didn’t think about the fact you were still getting over the flu.”
He chuckled softly, “I’m not sorry.”
She looked at him then, wanting to read his mind. She swallowed hard, “If you’re not sorry, what does that mean? For us?”
“Us?”
“You and me, Jim.”
He coughed and pulled away from her. His eyes red, his cheeks pale. The cough was chesty and deep. He managed to get it under control and gave an apologetic smile. “If I didn’t know you so well, Hels,
if I could lie to myself about what I know about you, I would do it.”
“Do what, Jim? Do what?” she pleaded. Enough of this beating around the bush, either he loved her or he didn’t, either he wanted her or Kelly. It was simple. “What are you trying to say, Jim?”
“I can’t. I can’t even say it. I’ve used every part of me, every scrap of energy to protect you and that’s all that matters to me. I know you don’t understand and that’s because I’ve done my best so you wouldn’t. One day this will make sense. You may thank me for it or hate me. I don’t know.”
His non-explanation drove her crazy. She could see the sweat on his forehead beading, hell, she could see he was fading, but she couldn’t let it go.
“Protect me from what?” she demanded.
He put up a hand to her face, tears welling in his eyes. “From me.” And then he collapsed.
*****
The rest of the trip was a blur for Jim. Eventually, Hels and Kelly learned to leave him alone. Jim didn’t want his illness to ruin the holiday for everyone. The monsoon that hit on the second day continued for the rest of the trip making Jim glad to stay in bed and sleep. The Indian doctor gave him some strong stuff that made the days pass by like clouds in the wind. He did his best not to overthink things as he lay in a semi-stupor. He knew both Kelly and Hels were mad at him, and so be it, there were worse things in the world. He spent the days in bed trying to come up with a new plan. He knew he was weakening, he knew it wouldn’t be long before he gave in and he could not let that happen. He needed to get away, keep her at arm’s length and not let things get any more complicated for her. There was one plan, one he hated vehemently, but no others came up. He wasn’t sure he could do it, but he found the strength from his love for her. He would protect her, he would ensure her future happiness, and he would do it by breaking her heart.
Chapter 25
After days of waiting with crappy weather and even crappier company, Helena was ecstatic to get home. Kelly had driven her to distraction, talking non-stop about Jim, football and work. She regarded everything Helena said as though it had a double meaning. Sometimes she wondered if Jim’s man flu was just a ploy to escape his neurotic fiancée. Helena wouldn’t blame him. A part of her wished she had caught it, just so she might get some peace and quiet too. He was beginning to mend on the last day of the trip and when he said they would need to talk when they got back, her heart went into palpitations.
Helena waited all of five seconds after the two of them had walked in the front door to ask, “Is now a good time to talk?”
He sighed, placed his bags down and sat on the couch. His body language, his manner all told her this wasn’t going to be good, but her heart bounced around like a box full of puppies and told her it would be fine. She joined Jim on the couch, leaving a little space, not too far, but enough to stop her from jumping him right there and then.
Jim still looked a little worse for wear, but at least he had some colour back in his cheeks. “Hels. Shit, I don’t know what to say. It’s over.”
Her brain tried to comprehend the words he’d said. “What? You and Kelly?” she asked.
“No, you and me.”
A strange, unbelieving silence followed. She withdrew along the sofa. A familiar disassociation called to her and she forced it away with all her gumption.
“What?”
“I can’t keep doing this. Whatever this is.” He had a hardness to his eyes. It was an expression she wasn’t used to.
“I don’t understand.”
He shook his head, “I’ll find a place…”
Anger smashed through the gathering fog in her mind. “What?” Helena sprang up off the couch. “You can’t break up with me when we’re not even together! What we have is more than that. It can’t end.”
“It has to.”
“Bullshit it does. What, you want to marry Kelly? Please. You know you sent her the wrong message, that proposal was meant for me.”
“What?” he sounded rattled. Good.
“Shepherd and annoying, it was meant to say stupid and annoying and that was meant for me because you find me stupid and annoying, but you also love me and want to marry me.”
A smile crept onto his face and he pushed it away immediately. She could see his inner turmoil.
“You sent me a message that night telling me you were breaking up with me and didn’t love me. That we were wrong for each other. I think you meant that for Kelly.” He was in denial, but she could see the truth in his eyes.
“I was drunk.”
“You told me that night on the phone you didn’t want to marry her. You said you loved someone else.” She could see him trying his hardest to find a comeback, but he couldn’t. “So, who do you love, Jim? Who else do you kiss and make love to like you did with me? I’d love to meet her.”
“Maybe I don’t love you. Maybe it’s all just selfish manipulations like you said the other day. Maybe it’s all just been a scam to get you into bed.”
She raised her eyebrows, “Wow, we’ve been best friends for what, almost twenty years. That whole time you’ve been working an angle? If so, wow, you truly are a master manipulator. Though, in truth, I’ve slept with guys for buying me beers, so you could just have done that too.”
He watched her then. His eyes burning into hers. His tone was filled with disgust. “Hels listen to me. This, us, it’s over. I don’t love you. You know when I went up to the mine, your boss told me about what you got up to up there, that you had slept with half the miners, that you did it for practically nothing, a lollipop for a blowjob, suck for a suck…”
The slap came hard and fast, the sting in her palm was nothing compared to that in her heart. Jim took it, his eyes still locked on hers. “At least Kelly is not a slut.”
The sting was gone now, replaced by nothing. Numbness. This is what death must be like, she thought. Those words had been so foreign coming out of Jim’s mouth. It was like a horror film when the child talks in a deep demonic voice. She did not want to slap him again; she did not want to touch him again for as long as she lived. She never wanted to see him again.
Shaking, Helena found her car keys, grabbed her already packed suitcase and walked out the door. Everything was silent, everything was dead. Twenty years of friendship and love, laughter and tears obliterated by a few words.
She managed to get into the car and drive away before the uncontrollable weeping began.
*****
He had done it. He knew why, and he knew it was the right thing to do. But it was still the worst few minutes of his life. Typical Hels, she had fought tooth and nail to the end. God, she amazed him, it filled him with the certainty that one day she would be okay. One day, but not today. She would never forgive him, and he would never forgive himself, but it was a small price to pay in the bigger scheme of things. He didn’t need the charade of an engagement anymore. Figuring, he couldn’t possibly feel any worse, he picked up the phone and dialled Kelly’s number.
“Jim, hi,” she said.
He got straight to the point. “Sorry Kelly, I won’t be marrying you.” There was a stunned silence. “You can keep the ring,” he added.
“I don’t want it. You love her, don’t you? You should never have asked me to marry you.”
“I didn’t.”
“What?”
“I meant to send that message to her. Sorry,” he added the last part and knew how pathetic it sounded.
“You know she’s far too good for you, Jim. Far, far too good.”
“I know,” he said, then hung up the phone.
Chapter 26
Days passed, weeks passed, time moved on. The only thing that didn’t was Helena. She had commandeered her parents’ spare room again and refused to move. She ate nothing, drank very little and talked to no one. Jim’s hateful words ran through her mind on a minute-by-minute basis, crippling her on every level. She couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe without severe pain coursing through her body. Every part of her th
at loved Jim had shut down and would never be rebooted, and that meant every part of her was shut down. She was nothing but an empty shell. Whoever Helena was, had died the moment Jim had rejected her and called her a slut. He had been hateful, vicious, so unloving, so un-Jim. It made no sense, and yet maybe it made perfect sense. He had never loved her, he only resented her, used her then discarded her for another, someone better, someone who wasn’t a slut. The hurt didn’t just come from his words, it came from the fact that he believed those lies about her, that he could believe she was like that, that maybe he’d never known her at all. All the memories of her and Jim became tainted as if they had been dipped in used motor oil. All the fun was fake, all the love pretended. Even when they had made love, had he been thinking she was a slut then? All his smiles were lies, all his kindness an act. It shook her reality to the core and left her with nothing.
So why the paintings, she pondered, why do that? She couldn’t solve that riddle and gave up trying. She didn’t want to know, she never wanted to speak to him again.
“Hey, how you doing?” her father asked, standing in the doorway. Her eyes shifted to him in acknowledgement then flicked away. “I need a hand down at the garage this arvo…” He trailed off as she shook her head. Words were still too painful.
He let himself in, then sat at the end of the foldout bed exactly where Jim had sat. She recoiled away from him. “Come on, love, at least talk about it. You’ve got your mother worried sick.”
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