She cleared her throat and said in a strangled voice, “Too bad.”
He smiled at that, “And you’ve got me worried too. I’m guessing something happened in Bali.”
She nodded hoping that would be sufficient.
“And I’m guessing that something involves you and Jim.” Again she nodded, slower this time.
“I guess that because last time he was here, looking for you, fretting, and this time, he’s nowhere to be seen. Did you two have a falling out?” That was an understatement. Falling out, more like nuclear fallout.
She spoke slowly. “He doesn’t love me,” she managed without crying.
“What?” Her father laughed. “Jim Murphy not love you?” He chuckled again.
“It’s not funny,” she growled.
“Sorry Helena, but I would sooner place a bet that the sun won’t rise tomorrow than I would that Jim doesn’t love you. That boy has been in love with you since, well, forever. We just guessed you two would sort it out one day.”
“You’d lose that bet,” she said darkly.
“Three.” He held up three greasy fingers.
“Three what?”
“Three times he told me he loved you. Once when he was young, maybe about eight or nine, he asked my permission to marry you. I told him he might have to wait until you two were older and he said that was fine, he just wanted to get in first before anyone else asked me.”
She got a flood of hope at that story. It was just like Jim to say that, but then he’d grown up into someone who was cruel. Maybe she had done it to him?
“The second time he told me he loved you was when he was a bit older almost a teenager. You two had had one of your spats because you’d wasted some of his paints or something ridiculous, and when I asked if he would forgive you, he said he didn’t have a choice; he loved you too damn much.”
Helena smiled despite herself. This wasn’t helping. Her heart began to warm at the thought and she was finding it hard to remember his hurtful words. “And the third?” she asked holding her breath in anticipation.
He smiled, “It was just a few years ago, when you moved in together and I got talking about you, we were joking about your long showers and bad taste in music-”
“Bad taste?” she interrupted, “Sorry, go on.”
“I asked him if you two were ever going to get it together, and he said there was no way. And I jokingly said what’s wrong with my daughter? And he just said sometimes you can love someone too much.” He held up three fingers again and added, “I rest my case.”
“How can you love someone too much?”
He shrugged, “Most people hold back; they try to protect themselves. But I guess if you love someone too much, it can be a bit crazy. You leave yourself too open. Is that what’s happened with you two?”
Helena shook her head not wanting to recount any of the details of her last few days with Jim. Her mind cleared momentarily as a thought occurred to her. “What did you mean, Dad, about protecting yourself? If you loved someone, why would you need to protect yourself?”
The memory of walking with Jim on the beach in Bali ran through her mind. He had told Helena he was protecting her from himself. What had he meant?
Her Dad pondered her question before venturing an answer, “From breaking, I guess.”
Okay, so if he loved her too much and wanted to protect her, even from himself, why would he hurt her, cause her pain, push her away. It made no sense. “He told me he had to protect me from him. Why would he do that? If he loved me, why would he hurt me, push me away? How could he protect me by hurting me?”
Her father shrugged his shoulders and shook his head, “Beats me. Guys can be pretty insecure, just look at your brothers.”
She was missing something, something important. He had said he knew her too well, that he couldn’t tell her because she mattered too much to him. She was the only good thing in his world. She, Helena, mattered most to him and if Jim had to use every last ounce of energy to protect her, even if it meant he had to push her away, say hurtful, unforgivable things, he would do it to protect her. He was stubborn enough and, oddly, loving enough, to do it. But why?
“Do you want some soup?” her dad asked, breaking her train of thought. “We don’t need you getting sick.”
“No thanks. I never caught Jim’s flu and… I… Oh, shit.” She stared up at her father, her eyes wide as the final piece of the puzzle slotted into place.
Chapter 27
Jim no longer listened to techno music, but the day ran much as it had ten years before. He followed the same lines, now slightly faded and cracked, down halls to get his bloods taken and see the specialists. Even the German nurse, Claire, still worked there, but the files were gone. Everything was on computers these days.
He still hated the smells in the waiting room.
Finally, the oncologist was ready to see him. “Ah, James,” Dr Francis greeted him as Jim wandered into his office.
“Doc.”
“How are you feeling?”
Like shit, he wanted to say. He was already halfway through his first chemo cycle and planned to get it over with as soon as possible.
“I’m okay,” he lied.
“No, you’re not.” Dr Francis looked at his screen. “It looks like your cell counts are all low, but at least we caught it relatively early. Are you eating healthily?”
Jim shook his head.
“Exercise? Honestly, you’re still only young. You should be fighting this with everything you’ve got.”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
The doctor sighed, “You need to take care of yourself. And you need help. From your family and friends. Have you got a partner to support you?”
“No.”
“Oh, really. Well, who’s that at the door then?”
Jim turned and looked out the glass door and saw a stunningly beautiful vision of a red-haired, blue-eyed, freckled woman glowering at him. She had her arms folded, staring at him with molten fury in her eyes.
“I just need a minute,” Jim said trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. The doctor waved him away and returned to his computer.
Jim opened the door and looked at the girl of his dreams who continued to glare at him with a look that would make a pride of lions run for their lives.
“You fucking stupid moron! How dare you not tell me?”
“I want you to have a full life, Hels, not waste your time with me in here until my body gives up. I can’t do that to you.”
“And you get to choose that for me? You arrogant wanker. You made that decision for me.”
“Yes, I’d keep you out of harm’s way! I’d sacrifice everything if that meant you could be happy and live a normal life.”
Helena took a backward step. Jim refused to back down, she didn’t belong here. Each of them glared at the other.
“You don’t think I’m strong enough to be here for you, is that it?” Her voice was low, but there was no hiding her thunderous anger.
“No, I’m not strong enough to have you in here, day after day, watching me die. I’m not strong enough to see the pain in your eyes and know I caused it.”
“So, you call me a slut instead?”
“If it helps you move on quicker, then yes, say something stupid to ensure you leave me here.”
“What if I don’t want to leave you here? What if I want to be here for you, through good and bad, whatever it takes? What if that’s what I want?”
“Then you don’t know how bad it can get.”
“How bad can it get, Jim? Shock me.”
“I see the others and their families, I see the pain, the tears, the loss, the devastation. I don’t want that for you, Hels, I want you smiling and laughing.”
“So, if I had cancer, you wouldn’t want to be there for me?” she asked softly.
“What? No never, I would die for you.”
“So, it’s okay for you to be there for me, but not for me to be there for you.”
> “Hels you are beautiful, more beautiful than you’ll ever know and I have loved you since the moment you moved in next door twenty years ago. There is nothing in this world more important to me than you. I want you to have the life you are made for, a life of fun, of love, and that is more important to me than my selfish need to have you with me while I go through all this shit. How can I say I love you, then expect you to watch me go through this and possibly die at the end of it? Who knows how long I’ve got? There’ll be more complications and relapses. There’s always going to be something wrong with me and you deserve better.” He wiped away the perspiration that had built up. “You deserve to be loved your whole life, not just for a couple of shitty years with me in here.”
That was it really, that was the point. Jim was looking beyond the little things and was looking at the big picture and the only picture he could see was the pain and sadness he would bring the girl he loved.
“So, you do love me then?” Helena asked.
“Really? That’s all you got from that?”
“Yes or no, Jim, do you love me? No bullshitting.”
He shrugged, “Of course, I love you, and I am sorry I said those things, none of them were true. You just wouldn’t take a hint. You are so bloody annoying.”
“I’m annoying? Me? This coming from a guy who would rather break my heart into a million pieces than allow me to support and love him during a difficult time in his life.”
“It’s more than a difficult time.”
“You don’t know that you arrogant shit, for all you know this could be the last time it ever comes back. Maybe you will live to be the old annoying bastard I know you can be. We don’t know the future, all we know is the present and the past. Jim, you are my past, and I want you as my present, every day, no matter what, and I want you as my future. I want you to be the man I know you are, without any of this hero bullshit. Just be Jim. Let me love you and love me and let the rest sort itself out.”
Helena placed a hand on his shoulders, her blue eyes staring deep into his, pleading with him.
“This is why I never told you,” he admitted. He threw an arm around her waist pulling her to him. Her eyebrows raised in question. “I knew I would be unable to stop you.”
She nodded, “I guess you’re stuck with me.”
He moved into kiss her soft lips, but before he could, she pulled back, “I’m still pissed at you.” And then their lips met.
*****
The rest of the day, Helena sat with Jim, holding his hand as the chemotherapy was slowly administered. He tried to nap and she watched him intently. At least she understood now. He was an idiot, but he loved her and had tried his best to protect her. He should have known she didn’t need his protecting, just his honesty and love. She kissed the hand of his free arm, and Jim opened his eyes a fraction and smiled.
“You okay?” she asked.
“Yeah, just thinking. When we played truth or dare that time, and you lied. Who did you really like?”
“That was such a long time ago, I can’t even remember his name,” she teased. “He lived next door though, and we played together all the time. He was a real cutie.”
“What do you think happened to him?” Jim wondered.
“He turned out to be a real pain in the arse, but also someone I can’t live without. He is the love of my life.”
“Really? Lucky guy,” he said unable to keep the goofy grin off his face.
“Speaking of which, I still owe you one dare.”
“That’s true,” he deliberated. “I did enjoy the kiss from the first dare.”
“Would you like another one?” He nodded and she leaned across his chair and kissed him until they began to get a little too carried away.
Helena looked apologetically at the other patients as she sat back next to him. “Yeah, but I don’t think you can have the same dare twice. I don’t want things to be boring.”
She looked at him, one eyebrow raised, “So, what’s your dare then?”
“I dare you to marry me.”
Helena laughed, and then stopped when she realised he wasn’t teasing. “Are you serious? First you drunk text to the wrong person and now in a dare from a game we stopped playing almost fifteen years ago… What’s next?”
“I love you Hels, and if I can, I want to marry you. Not now, but when all this is over.”
“God Jim, what do you mean if you can? You walk up to the celebrant, they do the ceremony and you kiss me. Is that so hard?”
He shrugged, “So, what do you think? Marry me?”
She looked into his eyes and paused, “That’s your double dare used up.”
He sat bolt upright almost pulling the drip from his arm. “You will?”
She pretended to think about it, then gave a shrug and nodded, “Of course, you idiot!”
Jim chuckled, cradling her face with his palm and kissing her. She was sure her smile was just as goofy as his when they sealed the deal with several more kisses.
“I love you, Helena.”
“I love you, James.”
She loved seeing the peace in his eyes as he told her he loved her and the joy her acceptance gave him. Helena promised him silently she would be there for him through it all, she would be strong when he was weak, his energy when he was tired, his spark when he was flat, his laughter when he was sad. She felt nothing but love for Jim, even if he was stupid and annoying. He was the love of her life.
The End
Epilogue
With each brushstroke Jim filled the canvas with an image, an image of unrivalled love and madness. There was his gorgeous wife Helena, thirty-five years young holding their three-year-old son, Thomas, who was holding a dog treat that Max, their golden retriever, was jumping for. Jim was bending over their six-month-old baby girl, Elyse, who was cradling Reginald and laughing up at him. He loved the chaos of the painting, he was not one for the unnatural, stand-up-straight, all wide-smiles type of portraits. No, bring on the craziness that was the Murphys’. A family full of adventure and fun, laughter and tears, arguments and tantrums, and love, it was all love. A hand crept around his waist and a familiar cheek rested on his shoulder.
“Hey gorgeous,” he said as he continued to paint.
She kissed his cheek. “I remember when all you would paint was me.”
He nodded and looked around at the many paintings hanging around his workshop. There were so many of Helena, and then there were several of the newer members of the family as their love grew beyond just the two of them and manifested into two amazingly wonderful children of their own. It had been a challenge, but together they found they could do anything.
“I still paint you; that one is new.”
She turned and looked at the painting, “Oh, wow Jim. Is that the night you came back from the mine? I like those darker, shadowy tones. You were so annoying that night. I wish you’d have told me at the time what was going on with you.”
Jim shrugged, “I just wanted to kiss you.”
“Well, why didn’t you?”
“You accused me of being an uncaring bastard after I’d spent days looking for you.”
“You still could have kissed me.”
“I can kiss you now.” He wrapped his arms around her before following through on his suggestion.
Helena sighed. “You know, you’re a pretty good kisser,” she finally admitted.
“Only pretty good?”
“Well, I think it’s important to set the bar high. I wouldn’t want you getting complacent.”
Then he kissed her again until their breathing sharpened and familiar feelings began to take over. Jim caught sight of an old painting. “You know, you saved me that day,” he said pointing to the painting of the two of them sitting in a hospital chair, holding hands. “I wouldn’t be here without you.”
Helena nodded. “And I wouldn’t be here without you,” she said pointing at his current project. He smiled at the painting, the laughing faces, the love, it was all because o
f her amazing spirit.
“Thank you for loving me,” he whispered.
She winked at him, “Thank you for letting me.” They kissed again and this time they didn’t stop.
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