“Yeah, no. That’s not going to happen.” I tell him as I return to my bed.
He looks at me, squinting. “Why not?”
“Because. There are more calories in that one muffin than I normally eat in an entire day.”
He rolls his eyes, placing the muffin on my desk and sitting on my bed next to me.
“That’s the point, Kayleigh. The amount you eat isn’t healthy. You could end up in the hospital, or worse.” He sounds genuinely concerned.
“Like that would be such a bad thing.” I mumble.
Suddenly, Holden’s hands are on my face, holding me firmly so I’m forced to look him in the eyes.
“It would be a horrible thing. Brianna would be absolutely heartbroken if something happened to you.” He says honestly.
I’m stunned into silence. I search my mind for something to say. “Just Brianna?”
“No, Kayleigh. Not just Brianna.”
He leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead, kissing it softly. I’m stuck in a trance as he releases my face and reaches for the muffin. He carefully pulls a piece off and brings it toward my mouth.
“Please?” He begs.
I don’t know what causes me to give in, but I slowly open my mouth and allow him to feed me the muffin. It tastes delicious, but I can’t stop thinking about what it will do to my weight. It’s going to take forever to start losing weight again after this.
Halfway through the muffin, I stop, shaking my head when he tries to bring another piece toward my lips.
“I’m full, really. I can’t eat any more.” I tell him.
He studies my face, as if searching for something to indicate I’m lying. Thankfully he doesn’t find anything and takes the remaining piece of the muffin and stuffs it into his mouth. I breathe a sigh of relief when I realize I won’t have to eat more of it.
“Thank you.” He says after he swallows. I smile.
As Holden steps away from my bed, I take out my phone and open the calculator. I type in 426 divided by two and find that I still ate 213 calories, just for breakfast. I feel sick just looking at it. I can’t handle this. It’s too much.
“Well, I have to go to class.” He announces, sounding satisfied. “I’ll see you in sociology.”
I say goodbye, thankful that he’s leaving. Brianna left for class hours ago and shouldn’t be back all day. As soon as the door closes, I rush to the bathroom. I shove my two fingers as far back as I can and wretch until contents of the muffin start to come back up, falling into the toilet.
I should have had water with it. It would have made this so much easier.
I’m about halfway through getting the contents of my breakfast up, when Holden’s voice booms through the room.
“Fucking seriously?!” He yells. I turn around, my fingers dripping with saliva and my face puffy. “You’re fucking ridiculous!”
“What are you doing here?” I ask, unsure of what else to say.
“I forgot my textbook.” He spits.
He grabs the book from Brianna’s desk, then turns to look at me once more. He shakes his head and rolls his eyes before walking out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
I don’t know why, but I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. He was only trying to help me, and I let him down. I let everyone down. I shake the thoughts from my head.
Good. Maybe now he won’t bother me again.
I stick with that and go back to the task at hand, getting this muffin out before my body absorbs the calories.
Chapter Six
I read the text message staring back at me for the 20th time.
Holden: I’ll be there at 3 so we can finish our project.
My heart’s racing and my palms are clammy. The last time I saw Holden was yesterday morning, when he stormed out of my dorm room. Since then, neither of us have said a word to each other. I skipped sociology class to avoid seeing him. He must have felt the same way because he had Brianna go to his place instead of coming here last night. Now it seems I can’t avoid him any longer. The project is due tomorrow. I just hope he doesn’t make this unbearable.
I glance over at the clock. It’s 2:52 PM. Holden should be here any minute. Bree has class and then is going shopping with Taylor afterwards, so I don’t even have her to buffer the awkward tension. Maybe that’s for the best. I don’t want him blurting something out and her hearing.
By the time that I’m done making my bed, and checking that my food journal is safely stashed away under my mattress, there’s a knock on my door. I slowly walk over to it, so nervous I feel like I’m going to be sick. I never imagined he would have this effect on me, but he knows my deepest secret. He could ruin me.
I open the door and start walking back to my desk without greeting him at all.
“Nice to see you, too.” He remarks, closing the door behind him. I hum in response.
When I reach my desk, I turn around and see he’s holding a bag from a deli. My stomach suddenly feels heavy.
“What is that?” I ask cautiously.
He looks down at the bag and back up at me. “A sub for me.” He answers carefully. “And a bowl of fresh fruit for you.”
I exhale a breath I didn’t know I was holding. “Fruit?”
He smiles shyly at me. “Just fruit.” He places the bag down on Brianna’s desk. “I spent all yesterday doing, um, research. I’m sorry I tried to take this too fast.”
Seriously? He’s apologizing? This is not how I thought this was going to go. I must admit, I’m starting to see what Brianna see’s in him. He looks so soft in his gray sweatpants and yellow hoodie. His hair is loosely pushed back, like he simply ran his fingers through it – and the way he apologizes shyly, it’s adorable.
Don’t go there, Kayleigh.
He carefully walks closer and wraps his arms around me. My head rests against his chest. He smells good, like a mix of jasmine and honeysuckle.
“Forgive me?” He whispers. I can’t trust myself to speak, so I nod instead.
He pulls away and takes the food out of the bag. I take the bowl of fruit and the plastic fork he hands me, and he takes his sub and sits on Brianna’s bed. We eat in silence, until he finally breaks it half way through his meal.
“So, I was thinking. We should go running together more.”
“We should?” I ask, surprised.
He nods as he finishes chewing and swallows the mouthful. “Yeah, I mean if that will help you with eating more. I had fun last time.”
“Me too.”
He smiles shyly, causing me to laugh. Holden Rivers, shy? I never would have guessed.
After we finish eating, we each take out our notes for the project. We lay on our stomachs and Holden presses play on the first of many videos. I forgot how fun that day was, the good part of it at least. He sports a broad grin as he watches the reactions of all the people we paid for at the grocery store.
“I’ve done it a couple more times since.” He confesses.
I turn to look at him. “Done what?”
“Paid for people’s groceries.”
A part of me is shocked, but a larger part of me isn’t. “That’s really nice of you.”
He shrugs as if it’s no big deal, and goes back to watching the videos. I can’t help but feel a tingling in my chest as I watch him. Here is this guy who I thought was the biggest ass, when really, he’s a total sweetheart. Does anyone else know this side of him? He told me about his anxiety, and how no one else knows. Is this another thing like that?
We switch to the video from the diner. Holden flinches as he watches himself raise his voice at Bree.
“Wow. I was really mean.” He sounds sad.
I pause the video. “It was just an act. You needed to be.”
He flips over onto his back and stares up at the ceiling. I check the clock and notice it’s already 4:45. Where did the time go?
“I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I treat her the way she deserves.”
I sit up and cross my
legs Indian style. He lazily turns his head to the side to look at me. “She loves you.” I tell him.
“Yeah. I know. That’s part of the problem.” I look down at him curiously and he continues. “She’s told me a few times, but I just haven’t been able to say it back.”
“You don’t love her?” I ask hesitantly.
He shrugs. “No? I don’t know. She’s a great girl and all.” He stops and sighs. “They say you just know when you’re in love with someone, and I just don’t know with her. So, I guess, no - I don’t.”
I don’t know what to say. I’m sad for Brianna. I know how crazy about him she is. Yet, at the same time, he can’t force himself to feel something he doesn’t, and at least he isn’t lying to her about it. He’s just trying to be a good guy.
“Don’t beat yourself up over it.” I tell him, laying down on my back next to him.
“Thanks for the advice, Kay.” He jokes, poking me in my side. I jump instantly. Suddenly, Holden sits up. “You’re ticklish?!”
“No” I lie.
He pokes my side again, and I can’t resist the instinct to flinch. “Liar. You are!”
He starts to tickle me, mainly focused on my sides. “No, Holden. Stop!” I laugh, trying to push him off. He doesn’t stop, grinning broadly as he tickles me.
“Well don’t you two look cozy.” Taylor’s voice booms into the room, causing the two of us to freeze.
Brianna comes into the room behind her, holding a few bags. She pushes past Taylor and puts the bags on her bed.
“Hey babe.” She greets Holden, kissing him briefly.
“Hey.”
Taylor stays in the doorway, giving Holden and me a judging look. Bree goes into the bathroom and when she comes back out she gives Holden one more kiss.
“We’re going out to dinner. I just wanted to drop the bags off.” She says and heads back toward the door.
“Don’t have too much fun.” Taylor says, raising her eyebrows.
The two of them leave as quickly as they came. As soon as the door closes, Holden laughs.
“I hate that girl.” He scoffs, shaking his head.
I chuckle softly. “I don’t know why. She’s such a ball of sunshine.” Holden looks down at me and studies me carefully. He doesn’t say anything, but smiles adorably. “What?” I ask, pulling the part of my shirt that raised up in the scuffle back down.
He looks away and shakes his head. “Nothing, sorry. Want to finish this?”
I nod and sit up, taking the computer onto my lap and beginning to type up the report. Holden helps me, adding details he feels are important. I can’t help but notice the way he keeps looking at me, and the way it’s making me feel. The butterflies in my stomach are overwhelming.
You stupid girl, he doesn’t want you.
My subconscious is right. Why would he want a girl like me? He’s dating Brianna - someone who is perfect in every way. I’m silly if I let myself believe otherwise.
You want him, though.
The reality of the situation hits me like a slap in the face. A few days ago, I couldn’t stand him. Now he has me falling for his charm just like everyone else. I can’t let this happen. He’s my roommate’s boyfriend. I must push him away, before this becomes too much.
We finish the report within an hour and I take a deep breath before I start what needs to be done.
“Thank god! Now I don’t have to deal with you anymore.” I spit.
At first, he laughs, thinking I’m joking, but when I don’t laugh as well, his smile drops. “Seriously?” He looks, like I just killed his puppy. I try to ignore it.
“Yes, seriously. You couldn’t have possibly thought I actually wanted to be your friend, could you?” He swallows. “Oh, you did.” I laugh humorlessly. “That’s adorable.”
He looks at me like I’m the worst person he’s ever met. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
I roll my eyes. “You’re what’s wrong with me. Now leave, there’s no reason for you to be here.”
He grabs his things and walks towards the door. He stops just before he exits and turns to me. “Fuck you, Kayleigh. And fuck me for ever thinking you’re something better than you are. Have fun starving yourself.”
He storms out of the room, once again slamming the door behind him. The tears build in my eyes and soon I’m overcome with sobs. Why did I have to let myself be affected by his boyish charm? It’s not like I’d ever stand a chance, and now I can’t even be friends with him. It would only make me want him more, and that can’t happen. Instead of chasing after him, I let the depressed feeling swallow me whole and I cry into my pillow until I fall asleep.
THE NEXT FEW DAYS pass without Holden coming by the dorm room at all. He comes to pick up Bree, but calls her when he’s outside. Thankfully, he didn’t tell her exactly why he doesn’t want to come inside. I’m glad because I don’t think Bree would be very happy with me, and she’s all I have here.
I’m sitting on my bed, writing in my food journal, when there is a knock at my door. I put away the journal and walk over to the door. I’m surprised when I open it to find Holden standing there.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, though I can’t deny, I missed him.
He holds up our sociology project paper. It has a big red A written in the top corner. I had skipped class to avoid him. Apparently, it wasn’t very effective. I open the door further, allowing him to come inside, and close it behind him.
“I thought you’d want to see our grade.” He says, handing me the paper. I take it from him and look it over. “I won’t stay though, I know the last thing you want to do is see me.”
I can’t handle the way he looks hurt by his own words. I’ve been a total bitch, and here he is still caring about me and what I want. He walks towards the door and is about to open it when I speak.
“Holden, wait.” He stops and turns to me. I place the report on my desk and fiddle with my sleeves. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said. I was just pushing you away.”
“Why?” He asks, voice barely above a whisper.
I wipe the one stray tear from my cheek, still looking down. I can’t believe I’m going to admit this. “Because I started to like you?” It comes out sounding more like a question. “I know it’s dumb, but I couldn’t help it with the way you lit up every time you helped someone, and how honest and caring you are. But you’re with Bree, and I know you don’t want me, so I’m just distancing myself so that…”
I hear him walk towards me, causing me to pause in the middle of my rant. I look up and before I know it, his hands are on my face and his lips are pressed against mine.
Chapter Seven
Holden’s mouth against my own feels like paradise. He holds my face with such care as he kisses me passionately. I start to move my lips with his, embracing the feeling of it. My fingers weave through his soft hair and I tug lightly, causing him to groan into my mouth. Finally, the reality of what’s happening shocks me.
“Holden, stop.” I say, breathless. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
He stays with his forehead touching mine. The sound of our labored breathing fills the room. “I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help myself.”
I open my eyes and look up at him through my lashes. “I know, but we can’t. You’re with Bree.”
He smiles sadly and kisses my forehead before stepping away. “I’ll see you around.”
I stay silent, wondering if that even actually happened. With one last look, Holden leaves. I raise my hand to my lips – the feeling of him lingers.
What have I just done?
I KNEW IT WOULD be awkward, seeing Bree after kissing her boyfriend. However, I didn’t know I’d be overcome with such guilt. The more I see her, the worse I feel. It’s been two days since Holden flipped my entire world upside down. Thankfully, I haven’t seen him at all. I don’t know how I would get through seeing him and Bree together. It’s eating me up inside.
“Ugh!” Bree groans, throwing her phone down on
her bed.
“What’s wrong with you?” I ask, looking up from my computer to see her angered expression.
She rolls her eyes. “Taylor’s sick and can’t come to the party tonight. And Holden will be busy with the pledges, so I’ll be left on my own.”
I frown at her and mumble a half-hearted apology, then refocus on my computer. The bed dips next to me, causing me to look up. Brianna is giving me her best puppy dog eyes.
“What?” I ask, hoping she’s not going to ask what I’m thinking she will.
“Well, I wouldn’t be alone if you came with me.” She blinks, making it that more effective.
Fuck.
“No. Not happening. I hate those parties.” I can’t. I can’t see Holden, especially not with Bree.
“Please!” She begs, stretching out the first e. “I don’t want to be alone, and you had fun last time.”
I want to put my foot down, but my guilt pushes me to agree. “Fine.”
Bree jumps and wraps her arms around me, thanking me over and over. She walks over to her closet and pulls out a short black dress, showing it to me.
“Cute. It’ll look great on you.” I tell her, but the look on her face says otherwise.
She smiles. “Not for me. This one is for you.”
Well, this should be interesting.
WE CAN HEAR THE party from a block away, the closer we get, the louder the sound. The front yard is full of people, and it only takes a few seconds before my eyes land on Holden. Bree skips a bit in front of me, wrapping her arms around him from behind. He turns and smiles, embracing her and kissing the top of her head. His eyes widen when he sees me behind her.
“Kayleigh. I didn’t know you were coming.” He sounds genuinely surprised.
I point to my roommate. “She talked me into it.”
Bree hands me her purse, asking me to hold it while she runs inside to grab us two drinks. She walks away, leaving Holden and I standing awkwardly in a crowd of people.
“Can we go talk?” I ask and he nods. We walk over to the side of the house where no one can hear. He leans against the wall and gestures for me to begin. “I don’t know how long I can keep this a secret for. The guilt is killing me.”
Sleepless November (Sleepless November Saga Book 1) Page 4