The party isn’t as crowded as the last one was, but it’s still just as loud. I start to wonder how the guys that live here don’t get sick of the constant party scene. I guess when you have a lot of friends, it could be fun. I, however, mainly stick to my dorm. It’s easier to manage my anxiety when I keep to myself.
Caleb and I enter the house, immediately going to the kitchen to get something to drink.
“Beer?” He asks and I nod, thanking him when he hands it to me.
He greets some of his friends, introducing me to everyone. It’s sweet, but I can’t possibly remember all their names.
“Hey Caleb.” A familiar voice says from behind me. Holden.
The two of us turn around. “Hey. You know Kayleigh, right?” Caleb asks him.
“I do.” He smiles. “She’s Brianna’s roommate.” When Caleb isn’t looking, Holden winks at me.
I roll my eyes. “Where is Bree? Is she here?” I look around, trying to find some relief from the awkward tension.
“Nope.” He replies, popping the p. “She’s studying.”
“Oh, right.”
Thankfully, Holden doesn’t stay near us for long. After a few moments, one of his friends asks him to be his beer pong partner and he tells Caleb and I he’ll see us around. The two of us talk to more of his friends, drink a few beers, and eventually join the beer pong table. We win the first game. Well, more like Caleb wins the first game. After that we’re up against Holden and his friend, Jason.
I do my best to ignore the constant stares coming from Holden. Instead, I put all my concentration in shooting the ball into the cup. The balls fly across the table as we face off, most of them going in. I even make a couple of shots myself. It finally comes down to overtime. We set back up three of the cups in a triangle on each side.
“Let’s make this more interesting.” Jason declares.
I stand next to Caleb, his hand resting on my lower back. “What’d you have in mind?” He asks him.
“If you win, Holden and I have to do your laundry for a week.”
“Alright, and if you win?”
“Holden gets to kiss Kayleigh.”
My head snaps towards Holden, my eyes wide in panic. He smirks.
God, he’s infuriating.
“Jason, I have a girlfriend.” Holden says, playing cool.
Jason rolls his eyes. “Oh, please. That’s never stopped you before, and besides, you’ve been eyeing her up this entire game.”
Oh. So, cheating on Brianna isn’t new territory for him.
Caleb moves his hand to my side and pulls me closer to him. “Dude, come on. That’s disrespectful to Kayleigh.”
I need to beat Holden at his own game.
“No. It’s fine.” I say, kissing Caleb’s cheek. Holden’s eyes widen in surprise. I put my lips near Caleb’s ear. “You better win this.” I whisper.
He gets a new look of determination, and takes the ball in his hand. Shooting it across the table, he sinks it.
“Game on.” He smiles.
Holden pulls the ball from the cup. He holds it up and aims for a minute before shooting it directly in one of the cups as well. He winks at me, and I have to stop myself from blushing. Next round is Jason and I. Jason goes first and makes his cup, leaving one left. I down the beer and then go to take my shot. Holden bites his lip to suppress his grin. I hold my breath and throw the ball. It’s good. I exhale.
Now it’s up to Holden and Caleb. Caleb goes first. The ball hits the rim of the cup but bounces off it. Shit. Holden takes the ball between his finger and his thumb, focusing a little longer on his aim. He releases the ball, sending it over the table and directly into the cup. Jason laughs as Caleb drops his head.
“Go get your girl, Holden.” Jason says.
I look at Caleb, wondering if I actually have to go through with it, when Holden speaks.
“Nah. If she wants me, she knows where to find me.” I turn to look at him and he smiles shyly.
Did he just do something nice, or is this another way of him being an asshole? I’m not sure.
THE PARTY STARTS TO die down, some people leaving and some going to sleep. Caleb’s still drinking, which tells me I’m stuck here unless I can find a ride home.
“I’ll be right back.” I tell him and walk upstairs in search of Holden. When I find him, he’s sitting on his bed, looking at his phone. I knock lightly on the open door and he looks up.
“Hey.” I greet him, trying to ignore the way it feels good to be near him.
He clicks his phone off and puts it down. “Hey.” Something is off with him.
“Everything okay?”
He shrugs. “How was your date?”
“It was nice.” I say simply.
He purses his lips and nods slightly. “Are you two a thing now?”
“I don’t know.” What’s up with him? “Why?” He shakes his head like he’s trying to avoid talking about it and looks away. “Holden, talk to me.” I walk over and sit on his bed, making him look at me.
He sighs. “I don’t want you to be with him.”
My eyebrows furrow. “Why not?”
“Never mind. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No. You can’t just say something like that and not tell me why.”
“Drop it, Kayleigh.” He picks his phone back up but I take it from him. “Give me that back.”
“Not until you tell me why I shouldn’t be with Caleb.”
“Fucking hell, you don’t know how to let something go do you?” He sounds annoyed but I don’t back down.
“Nope.”
He reaches for his phone but I move it just out of reach. “Give me it.”
“No!” I laugh.
He reaches for it again, this time further. As I try to keep it away, the two of us fall to the floor. He lands on top of me, our faces no more than two inches apart. I freeze, looking down at his lips and back up to his eyes. He slowly bends down and kisses me, placing his hand lightly on my face. My breath hitches. This is different than all the other times he’s kissed me. It’s not rushed or with any intentions. It’s just sweet. He pulls away, looks at me, and sighs.
“I don’t want you to be with Caleb because I want you to be with me.”
Chapter Nine
“I don’t know what to do.” I say to Holden. “I hate what we’re doing to Bree. She doesn’t deserve this.”
The two of us have been sitting on his bed for an hour now, trying to figure out what this is. I’m leaning back into him and his arms are wrapped around me, holding me close. I don’t know what’s worse - that I’m in this position with my friend’s boyfriend, or that I never want to move.
“Do you want to stop?” He asks.
“No.” I respond immediately, but then sigh. “I don’t know.”
He takes one hand and begins playing with my fingers, almost as if he’s committing every inch of me to memory. After a few minutes of complete silence, he speaks again.
“Have you been eating?”
I close my eyes, debating whether I should lie or tell him the truth. I choose the latter.
“Not really.”
He takes a deep breath and then kisses the top of my head. “If you’re going to drink as much as you have been lately, you need to eat. That’s why you get drunk so easily.”
“What if I like being drunk?” I quip.
“Kayleigh.”
“I’m kidding, I get it. It’s just hard.”
He interlaces our fingers and rests our hands on my stomach. “I know babe.”
I try to ignore the butterflies that erupt at the sound of the pet-name.
TWO DAYS LATER, HOLDEN and I still haven’t figured out what we’re doing and what any of this means. One thing I do know, is that the guilt is eating me alive. I can’t look at Bree without feeling like I’m the worst person in the world. Yet, every time I go to put a stop to things with Holden, I can’t. I don’t want to. I want him, but he’s taken.
“What’s b
een up with you lately?” My roommate asks me.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been acting all weird and moody and depressed.”
I shrug slightly. “I haven’t been feeling well.” It’s not a lie, per-say.
She frowns. “Well, if there is anything I can do, let me know.” I thank her and she goes back to writing her paper.
I can’t keep doing this. If she found out, she would hate me. She should hate me. All she’s been is nice to me and I’m completely betraying her.
I take my phone out and begin composing a text.
Me: I think we should stop … whatever this is. I’m sorry.
I turn off my phone, not allowing anything to change my mind. I take one of my anxiety pills and burrow myself into my bed, letting the depression and sleep take over.
FRIDAY COMES QUICKLY, WHICH is good because that means I can spend the entire weekend avoiding the world. I haven’t turned my phone back on since I texted Holden. Thankfully, I’ve avoided him around campus too.
The professor releases my last class, and I immediately head towards my dorm. My weekend plan is to immerse myself in a Shameless marathon and block out everything. It’s the only thing that will distract me enough from thoughts of Holden.
Things would be so much easier if I could just go back to hating him.
The air outside is frigid, causing me to shiver and wrap my arms around myself. I’m almost to my building when someone calls my name. I turn around to see Caleb jogging toward me.
“Hey. I haven’t been able to reach you. Everything ok?” He asks, looking at me warmly.
I nod. “Yeah, sorry. I’ve just been super busy. Decided on a technology detox.”
He hums in acknowledgement. “Good for you. Some girls are glued to their phones and could never go off the grid.”
“Not me.” I shrug.
We stand there in an awkward silence before he finally tells me he has to go and hugs me goodbye. A part of me wonders for a fleeting moment if I should try dating him again, but I decide against it.
I enter the building, heading up the stairs and down the hall to my dorm. The door is already unlocked, so I step in and swing it shut behind me. After dropping my bag on the floor, I start to take off my jacket.
“So, you are alive.”
I jump, startled. I spin around to see Holden sitting on Brianna’s bed, leaning against the wall and looking soft as ever in his black sweatpants and white hoodie.
“What are you doing here?” I ask. I’m not sure if my heart is racing from being caught off guard or because it’s Holden.
He’s about to respond, when Brianna comes out of the bathroom.
“Oh, you’re back.” Bree says as she sees me. She’s dressed down as well, which is unlike her.
“You okay?” I narrow my eyes on her. “I never see you in sweats.”
She frowns and shrugs. “I think I got what you’ve had. My head hurts and I’ve felt sick all day.”
Ok, hypochondriac. I seriously doubt you’re suffering from major guilt.
“I’m sorry. I hope you feel better.”
She smiles and then climbs onto her bed with Holden, grabbing her computer and putting it half way on each of their laps.
I try to rack my brain for ideas on anywhere I could go instead of here, but I come up empty. I give up and decide to take some of my anxiety medication, in hopes it will knock me out. Climbing into bed, I reach over and pull my phone out of the drawer in my nightstand.
It powers on at the push of a button. After a few seconds, it starts to vibrate profusely, text messages and voicemails pouring in. I don’t open it until it ends, seeing the final count.
9 Text Messages from Holden
2 Voicemails from Holden
3 Text Messages from Caleb
1 Voicemail from Mother
One would think my phone was off during some kind of disaster. I unlock it and go to my text messages first. I check Caleb’s, not sure if I can handle Holden’s just yet.
Caleb: Hey. I had fun the other night. Hopefully we can do it again sometime.
Caleb: Everything ok? You’ve kinda gone MIA.
Caleb: Well, I hope you’re doing well. Let me know if you want to hang out.
Thoughts of Caleb don’t sit well with me. He’s sweet, and if he wasn’t so intertwined with Holden, I’d probably date him. Unfortunately, he’s a very prominent part of Holden’s life, and I don’t have the self-control for that. I take a deep breath and brace myself as I check Holden’s texts.
Holden: Why?
Holden: Come over. Let’s talk about this.
Holden: Kayleigh?
Holden: Did I do something wrong?
Holden: I just tried calling you but your phone is off. Call me.
Holden: Good morning.
Holden: Bree said you’re sick. I hope you feel better.
Holden: God, Kay. I miss you. ☹ Please answer me soon.
Holden: I’m coming over. I can’t handle not talking to you.
I look up from my phone and glance over at Holden. Our eyes lock immediately and he shrugs, smiling sadly. I don’t bother replying. Instead, I go to my voicemails and play the one from my mother first.
“Kayleigh, it’s mom. You can’t answer your phone but you seem to have no problem spending my money. I need to know when your break is. John and I are going on vacation. Call me back.”
I roll my eyes, deciding to text her later and play the ones from Holden.
“Hey. It’s Holden. I don’t really know why your phone is off, but text me when you get this.”
“Kayleigh. This radio silence is killing me. What did I do wrong? Whatever it is, talk to me. I need to know you’re okay. Call me.”
In the second one, his voice sounds a lot different – sad, distraught almost. I steal another look at him, and the sight breaks me. Bree’s head is resting on his shoulder while his lays lightly against hers. He’s holding her hand, his thumb lightly grazing over hers in a back and forth motion. I can feel the tears building in my eyes, and before either of them can notice, I roll over and face the wall. My tears spill silently into my pillow until the effects of my medicine knock me out.
I WAKE TO A light kiss on my forehead. I stir, opening my eyes to find Holden standing above me. I look at him bewildered. He puts a finger to his mouth, indicating for me to be quiet, and gestures towards Bree. She’s lying on her bed, sound asleep.
“What are you doing?” I whisper.
He sits on my bed and gently removes the hair from my face. “I was so worried about you. You disappeared. What happened?”
The tears already threatening to return, I shake my head. “I just can’t do it.” He looks confused, so I continue. “I can’t be a part of you cheating on her. She’s my friend.”
He frowns and sighs dejectedly. “Okay.”
He leans forward and kisses me lightly. When he breaks the kiss, he stands up and walks out the door, leaving me alone to deal with the emotional wreckage.
I STAY IN BED ALL throughout Saturday and most of Sunday, ignoring the world like I had planned. On Monday, I stumble through my classes, not really paying attention to a single thing. By the time that I get back to my room, I just want to go to sleep. At first, it seems like Brianna had the same idea, however, the sound of her sniffling alerts me of otherwise.
“Bree?” I ask. “You okay?”
She rolls over, her eyes bloodshot and her face soaked from crying. My first instinct is to wonder who died. Instead, she tells me something I hadn’t expected.
“Holden broke up with me.”
Chapter Ten
I sit on Brianna’s bed, her head in my lap and my fingers gently running through her hair. She hasn’t stopped crying since I got back three hours ago. At first I was trying to talk her into calming down. However, it wasn’t doing any good, so instead, I’ve just been comforting her.
“I just thought we were so happy.” She sobs.
I sigh. “I know,
love.”
The guilt eats at my insides, my subconscious grimacing. When I had told Holden that I couldn’t do this anymore, I did not mean for him to break up with her. I expected the two of us to move on, go back to ignoring each other even. Her heartbreak was what I was trying to avoid.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, alerting me of a message. I take it out and open it.
Holden: Meet me at the creek at 9.
I don’t answer, not sure if I know what to say to him right now. I toss my phone across the room and onto my bed. I can’t risk Bree seeing a text from him. She is broken enough. I can only imagine how she would feel if she knew what’s been happening the past couple of weeks. Knowing that I may have caused this makes me feel sick inside.
BY THE TIME IT hits 8:45, Brianna is sound asleep. Her exhaustion finally knocked her out. I tuck her into bed, making sure she’s not going to wake up. When the coast is clear, I slip on my shoes and jacket, and quietly leave the room.
The walk to the creek is peaceful. The campus is normally empty around this time, except for the random stragglers from evening classes. It’s beautiful, however, it’s also bitterly cold. I pull the sleeves of my jacket over my hands and keep walking.
It’s funny, really. The creek runs through the entire campus, and yet, I know exactly which part he was referring to. The same spot we laid for hours just naming random stars. That was the night my opinions about him changed. Maybe that was when my feelings for him started to develop.
When I finally reach the spot, Holden is waiting for me. He fakes a smile as well as he can manage, though he fails miserably.
“How is she?” He asks.
I shrug, slipping my hands into my pockets. “Honestly? A mess.” He winces, genuinely seeming sad at the thought of Bree being hurt, so I continue. “She doesn’t understand why.”
Sleepless November (Sleepless November Saga Book 1) Page 6