I roll my eyes, sharing a knowing look with Bree. “Just remember what we talked about. Get your own drinks, don’t take your eyes off it, and tell one of us before you go off with a guy.”
Paige and Addison both nod before linking arms and excitedly navigating through the crowd. Bree laughs, knowing how they are. She has another goal though - to find a boyfriend. I had offered to help her find one at Holden’s frat, but she politely declined. I don’t blame her. That would be kind of weird.
“Here.” A guy with spiked black hair hands me a drink. I smile politely as I take it but don’t take a sip. “Aren’t you going to drink it?”
I shake my head. “I’m not really thirsty.”
He scoffs, taking the cup from me and walking off to find someone else to give it to. The whole thing gives me the creeps. I can only imagine what’s in that drink, or what he plans on doing to whoever ingests it.
“You okay?” Bree inquires.
I nod and wrap my arm through hers, suddenly feeling cowardice. Thankfully, she doesn’t care. The two of us make our way to the kitchen to get our own drinks, both looking around like we’re in some kind of carnival sideshow.
I’ve seen my fair share of crazy shit this year, but this trumps everything I’ve ever experienced by far. People are doing more shots than I can count, while others are snorting lines of coke off the countertop. It’s like a train wreck, and I just can’t look away.
Bree and I stick together for most of the night, that is, until she starts talking to a guy named Shawn. He’s tall and muscular, but he’s more of a bookworm than a jock. She seems to instantly swoon when he gives her attention, and it doesn’t take long for me to start feeling alone.
“Nice collarbones.” A girl who is perfectly petite compliments me.
I narrow my eyes slightly, wondering what kind of person would say something so random. She gestures toward my wrist. I look down and immediately see what she’s referring to – the purple bracelet Holden got me. The proceeds went to Eating Disorder Awareness. When I wince and pull my sleeve over the bracelet, she puts her arm out, showing she has one as well.
“Ah.” I breathe a sigh of relief, knowing she isn’t going to judge me.
“How long?” She questions.
“About three years. You?”
“Five. I’ve recovered twice but still always mange to get wrapped back up in it.”
I nod, understanding where she is coming from. “I’m in and out of recovery now. My boyfriend found out and watches me like a hawk.”
“Oh, that blows.”
“Tell me about it. Between work, school, and Holden – I barely have time to breathe.”
Her eyes widen. “Holden? As in Holden Rivers?”
My breath hitches, instantly realizing I shouldn’t have said anything. “Mhm.”
She looks around but then chuckles. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell. Just, don’t let that information get around. You’ll have guys trying to sleep with you just to spite him.”
Regardless of the bad feeling I first had about this chick, she seems cool. I could see her and I being friends.
“I’m Kayleigh.”
“Jade.”
The two of us spend the next hour or so talking. I only take my attention away from her when Bree lets me know she and Shawn are going out back. Once she walks away, I return to our conversation.
“I’d be so much better at restricting if I didn’t like food so much.” I complain, pushing the bowl of chips away from me.
She laughs, knowing the feeling. “Have you tried any kind of appetite suppressants?”
“A couple. I’ve tried like Green Tea Extract and Ginseng pills.”
She giggles. “No babe, I mean like coke.”
“Oh.” I respond, suddenly intrigued. “No. Does it work?”
“Better than anything I’ve ever had.” Now that I’m paying closer attention, her eyes are glazed over. “You want to try it?”
The logic in me is screaming no, with flashing red lights and sirens going off all over the place – but the broken parts of me want it. They want it so badly that I start to consider it.
This is what college is about, isn’t it? Experience?
I don’t know what comes over me, but I find myself nodding and following Jade into the bathroom. She pours the white substance onto the counter, using a credit card to shape two small lines. She takes a ten dollar bill out of her pocket and rolls it up.
“Just do what I do, okay?”
Chapter Twenty Five
The days blend together – winter becoming spring in the blink of an eye. I guess that’s what happens when you spend your days withdrawing and your nights high on cocaine. Somehow, I’ve managed to hide it from both Holden and Dawson. Between spending some nights out with Bree, and others with Jade - Holden and I haven’t spent nearly as much time together as we used to.
At one point, he got angry about it. The two of us ended up having what was probably the biggest argument we’ve had to date.
“You’re going out, again?!” He asks bitterly.
I roll my eyes, not wanting to deal with this. “Yes. I promised Jade I would go with her to the football game.”
“Are you ever going to introduce me to her? I feel like you spend so much time with this girl, yet I have no idea who she is.”
“What are you, my dad? You don’t need to meet my friends.”
He looks at me as if I’ve grown a second head. “No. I’m your boyfriend. You should WANT me to meet them.”
“Well, I don’t.” I put it simply.
I’ve purposely been avoiding them meeting at all costs. All it would take is for him to do a little digging and he would find out she’s dating the president of Phi Sigma Alpha. Not to mention, her drug addiction isn’t exactly a secret around campus. He’d figure everything out within a day and a half.
“What has gotten into you?” He presses. “What happened to the girl who wanted to spend every waking moment with me?”
I bite my lip in an attempt to keep in the words I don’t mean, but the gruesome effects of cocaine withdrawal cause them to tumble out.
“She realized there was more to life than idolizing a jock with a complex.”
I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. However, I don’t give him the chance to respond, walking out the door without a second glance. He’s hurt, but I’m out of coke.
Since that night, we’ve both been trying to be better. I’ve spent more time with him, but that’s mainly because I figured out how to discreetly hide my drugs and do them where he won’t know. I save all my eating for when him or Dawson can see me, vouching for the fact that I’m not restricting. Little do they know, I’m eating even less.
“I still don’t know how you get away with this.” Jade laughs, handing me the baggie of white powder.
I open my locket and place the bag inside, making sure it closes securely before putting it back around my neck. “Because I’m fantastic, duh.”
She rolls her eyes playfully. “I’m going to miss you.”
“Aw. It’s only a week. I’ll be back from Miami on Sunday.”
For Valentine’s Day, Holden gave me a plane ticket to Florida. That was his way of inviting me on Spring Break with him and his family. I didn’t mind. It’s not like the idea of going on vacation with Holden repulses me. I just don’t know how well it’ll go if we start to argue again.
I FINISH PACKING, PLACING my locket inside a layer of things. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified, but the risk of getting caught isn’t as bad as going a week without a high. As I zip my suitcase closed, I place it next to Holden’s by the door.
“Are you excited?” He asks.
I nod. “Yeah, it should be fun.”
Holden smiles, getting up and walking over to me. He drapes his arms lightly around my waist. “What have you done to me?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve never brought a girl home, but I brought you. I’ve never b
rought a girl on vacation, but I’m bringing you. I’ve never said I…”
The door flies open, interrupting the moment just as my heart was beginning to race. Holden closes his eyes, taking a breath before shaking his head and looking at the intruder crossly.
“Sorry.” Jason laughs. “Holden, Jesse wants to talk to you for a minute.”
I look at Holden, my expression perplexed. When I see that he’s just as confused, I start to feel sick. Jesse is the president of Kappa Delta Phi, and in all the time I’ve known Holden, he’s never asked to see him alone.
What if he knows what I’ve been up to?! What if someone told him I’ve been hanging around Phi Sigma Alpha? If Holden finds out, he’s going to make me choose. Fuck.
I spend the next fifteen minutes pacing around the room, waiting for my boyfriend to get back. When I hear him coming down the hallway, I sit on the bed and pull out my phone – trying to play it cool.
“Sorry about that.” He apologizes, kissing my cheek before climbing across me.
I put my phone on the nightstand. “What was that about?”
“Just stuff for next year.” He replies impassively and leaves it at that.
Relax, Kayleigh. You’re being paranoid.
MIAMI ON SPRING BREAK is everything I thought it would be. There are parties everywhere you look, alcohol is flowing more than the water, and everyone seems to be having the time of their lives.
“Alright, you’re all adults. Just don’t get caught underage drinking.” Heather tells the four of us.
“That means you two.” Brandon quips to Jo and I, being as him and Holden are both 21.
Holden chuckles. “Aw, I almost forgot you’re still a baby.”
He pinches my cheek like I’m a child. I roll my eyes playfully and smack his hand away. He smiles brightly and pulls me close to him.
Holden and I go to our room, while Brandon and Joey go to their own. The three rooms are all in a suite, while Heather and Dan got a room separate from us. Apparently, staying with a bunch of college kids wasn’t how they wanted to spend their vacation.
I put my bathing suit on before returning to my suitcase to find my locket. As soon as I feel it, I breathe a sigh of relief. I open it slightly, checking to make sure the little baggy is still inside it. When I see that it is, I shut it and clip the necklace around my neck.
“God damn, babe.” Holden looks at me hungrily. “You are eating, right?”
“Of course, I am. Why?”
I go over and look in the mirror. He comes and stands behind me, running his fingertips down my body. My hipbones are a little more prominent, and maybe my stomach looks flatter. Still though, I only see flaws and imperfections.
“You’re beautiful.” He whispers. “Always have been, always will be.”
I WISH I COULD be as confident as Jo is in a bikini. She acts the same way in a bathing suit that she does fully clothed. She dances to the music as if no one is watching. It must be nice to have not a single worry in the world.
I’ve been mentally freaking out for the last hour at this pool. Every time Holden isn’t looking at me, I wonder if he’s checking out another girl. It’s not like he can’t get anyone his heart desires. He’s gorgeous.
“What’s wrong?” He murmurs into my ear. I shrug, wrapping my arms around my stomach. “Hey, none of that.”
“What?”
“You are the most beautiful woman here. If you’d stop comparing yourself to others, you’d see how many guys are jealous of me right now.” He takes my arms away from my stomach and drapes them over his shoulders, placing his hands on my hips. “I’m so lucky you’re mine.”
I smile, and pulling him down for a kiss. He tightens his grip and lifts me up. I wrap my legs around him as his hands move to my ass. Our lips move together in a way that screams all our feelings for each other – and it’s as if time stops.
Fuck. I’m in love with Holden Rivers.
I WAKE UP TO MY boyfriend lightly shaking me. I groan sleepily, opening my eyes to see it’s still dark. A low whine leaves my mouth and I shove the pillow over my head, only for Holden to take it away.
“Come on, wake up.” He whispers.
I narrow my eyes at him. “Is this a thing you do? Wake people up in at ass o’clock in the morning when you’re close to a beach?”
He chuckles, nodding happily.
The two of us get up. I slip on a pair of shorts and a tank top before Holden takes my hand and leads me out of the room. He doesn’t stop until we’re on the beach. Just as we sit down, the sun starts to peak up from the water.
He sits behind me and pulls me into him. As cranky as I was when he woke me up, I’m glad he did. I breathe in his scent as we watch the sunrise. Between the colors and the warm breeze, it’s heavenly.
“Kayleigh?” He gets my attention. I hum, telling him I’m listening. “I love you.”
My breath hitches and butterflies come alive inside me. I turn my head to look at him. He looks so fragile, yet so strong. His eyes bore into me, showing how sincere his words are. He loves me.
“I love you, too.” I respond, smiling wider than I have in such a long time. “So much.”
He laughs softly, lacing his fingers into my hair before pulling me in for a kiss. There’s no rush in it, or even any intentions. Just a slow kiss between two people in love. If I thought coke gave me a high, this feeling puts that to shame. My mood falters slightly at the thought of the drug.
Would he still love me if he knew what I’ve been up to lately?
Chapter Twenty Six
I don’t know which is worse, studying for finals or dreading the upcoming summer. Since spring break, Holden and I have been closer than ever. The thought of not seeing him every day makes me sick to my stomach. We promised we’ll visit each other, but I just hope it’ll be enough.
Rubbing my eyes tiredly, I kick the book off the bed and onto the floor. Holden looks up at me, confused at first but then coos.
“You’re adorable when you’re cranky.”
I narrow my eyes at him, though I’m only able to stay serious for a few seconds before he makes me laugh.
“If I study any more, my head is going to explode.”
Holden makes a face before he closes his book and leaves it on the desk. He walks over to the bed, leaning over and caging me in.
“We wouldn’t want that to happen, would we?” He asks.
I shake my head. “It’d be really messy.”
He hums an acknowledgement. “Brains everywhere.”
We both chuckle softly before our lips meet in a tender kiss. His hand brushes my cheek as his lips move against mine. I grip his shoulder-blades, before falling back and pulling him down with me. He grinds down against me immediately.
“God, I love you.” He whispers as soon as he breaks the kiss.
I smile, kissing him once more before responding. “I love you, too.”
As he connects our lips again, I run my nails down his back – light enough to not cause pain, but hard enough to be felt. He arches his back, causing his hardening length to rub against me through our clothing.
“I need you.” He breathes.
I kiss across his cheek until my lips are at his ear. “What’s stopping you?”
My tongue darts out from my mouth, getting a hold of his earlobe and teasing it lightly between my teeth. He moans at the contact, pressing harder against me. His hand slides under my shirt, caressing my side as it moves upward. His touch lingers with every contact, igniting my nerve endings like wild fire.
“You’re perfect.” He says softly, just before he removes my shirt and kisses down my body - loving me in the best way he knows how.
I TAKE THE BAGGIE out of my locket, pouring it out onto the desk. Using the rolled-up bill, I snort the line in one fluid motion. Jade gets up from her bed, coming over and doing the same. The euphoria washes over me.
“Are you ready for finals?” She questions.
A low groan escapes from the back of
my throat. “Is anyone ever ready for finals?”
Jade laughs. “Touché.”
I strip down to my bra and underwear before walking over to her scale. The only time I’m ever able to weigh myself is at her dorm. Holden had read something about a scale being triggering. Therefore, I’m not allowed to have one.
Stepping on, I wait for the number to appear – 115. I smile brightly. The last time I weighed this much, I was thirteen. I walk in front of the full-length mirror, looking over the changes. My collar bones are more defined and my waist is perfectly thin. Still though, my thighs are bigger than I would like. I say as much to Jade.
“You should run.” She answers as a solution.
I ponder it for a moment before agreeing. “That’s a good idea. Want to come?”
She shakes her head. “I have more studying to do. Have fun though.”
I give her a quick hug goodbye before leaving. As soon as I get out of the building, I start to jog. I experiment with my pace, going faster and then slower. At one point, I try to test how fast I can go. It amazes me how long it takes for me to get tired.
I’m jogging along the creek when I come across the spot where Holden and I lied on the ground for hours, naming stars and getting to know each other. The memory gives me butterflies, and I bask in them.
“Kayleigh?” Dawson asks from behind me. “What are you doing here?”
My eyes widen as I turn to him. “I was going for a run and decided to take a break.”
He steps closer and into the light. Looking at me intently, he sighs. “You’ve got something on your nose.”
I turn around, wiping away what I can only guess is cocaine residue. “Jade was doing my make-up earlier. She must have missed blending some.” I lie, holding my breath as I wait for him to respond.
He smiles sadly. “Come on, let me bring you home.” Nodding, I follow him back to his car and get into the passenger seat. “Holden’s or yours?”
“Holden’s.”
Sleepless November (Sleepless November Saga Book 1) Page 16