If You Kiss Me Like That

by Harper Bliss

  She picked a table in the corner of the bar and studied the drinks menu. Alcohol-free gin was all the rage these days, it appeared. She checked her phone to see if Gloria had been in touch. But this was rush hour in London. It was a miracle when anyone arrived anywhere on time.

  Then the door opened and there she was. A smile appeared on Gloria’s face when she spotted Ash. Ash stood to greet her and they exchanged a quick peck on the cheek. Gloria took off her long black overcoat and sat opposite Ash.

  “Cosy,” she said.

  “All the cocktails are alcohol-free.” Ash beamed her a smile.

  “Really?” Gloria jutted out her bottom lip. “You really didn’t have to pick a place like that on my account. I can deal with it.” She smiled back at Ash. “Nevertheless, the sentiment behind it is greatly appreciated.”

  “Zero percent G and T?” Ash tried to sound suave, but she didn’t seem to be in possession of her full confidence. There was something about the way Gloria had walked into the bar—something about her posture and how regal and self-possessed it was. Maybe Ash hadn’t expected that, even though she didn’t really know why.

  “Sure.” Gloria put down the menu without having properly glanced at it. “I hope you’re not planning to transition into a career as a weathergirl any time soon.” She grinned. “The sun was shining all afternoon.”

  A waitress came by to take their order. Then Ash asked, “You didn’t go to the museum?”

  Gloria shook her head. “I walked around a lot, to soak up the sun and the energy of the city. There’s something to see on every corner.”

  “So much for my stellar tip.” Ash leaned back in her chair. She was beginning to feel more comfortable again. And she wanted to get a good look at Gloria. For someone who’d been traipsing around the streets of London all afternoon, she looked very well put together. Her curly dark-brown hair was always a little wild, so she had that working in her favour. She’d applied a fresh coat of lipstick. She was wearing a dark-blue blouse with white dots. Ash couldn’t help but smile when she looked at her.

  “Admittedly, I was expecting a little more from you than the suggestion to go to a museum. Especially because I’m really not much of a museum person.”

  “I’m deeply sorry. I hope I can make it up to you somehow.”

  “You can try.” Gloria narrowed her eyes. “I don’t mean to pry, but have you eaten anything today?”

  Ash chuckled. Gloria kind of sounded like her mother now. “Yes. No hangriness tonight. I promise.”

  “Good. I’m starving, actually. Maybe we can order some snacks.” She opened the menu and did look at it this time.

  “So you’re not much of a museum person?” Ash asked.

  “What can I say? I like lowbrow entertainment. Give me a musical over a play any day of the week.”

  “Next you’ll tell me you watch EastEnders every night.”

  Gloria pulled a face that could mean either yes or no.

  Their drinks were brought over and Gloria ordered a small cheese platter with sesame seed crackers.

  “How was your day?” Gloria asked, after the waitress had left their table.

  “Unremarkable.” Ash sipped from her faux gin and tonic. It tasted just fine, but it didn’t give her the hit of booze she craved—that she was so used to having with a moment like this.

  “Care to enlighten me about what you do all day?” Gloria took the cardboard straw out of her glass and put it to the side. “Don’t feel you have to. I’m curious, but I understand if you don’t want to talk about work.”

  “I love my job, but I often find that when I do talk about it with anyone outside of work, they’d like me to shut up as soon as I start explaining it to them.” Ash flashed Gloria another smile. “It’s also very easy to loathe my industry.”

  “Explain it to me as you would explain it to your nephews.” Gloria was so unflappable. She didn’t give the slightest hint that she might find what Ash just said conceited—a chance her brother never passed up.

  “At the very core of it, I make rich people even richer. It sounds gross, but that’s really it. That’s what I do.”

  “You must be responsible for insane amounts of money.” Gloria peered at her over the rim of her glass.

  “Oh, yeah.” Ash did feel a touch uncomfortable now.

  “That must be quite stressful.”

  “Sure, but it’s also quite exciting. And, of course, we always spread the risk.”

  “Have you ever lost an obscene amount of money?” A smile curled on Gloria’s lips.

  Ash nodded. “Of course. It comes with the territory.”

  “How did you deal with that?”

  “I tried to make the money back, but, in the end, I had to let it go. Losses are inevitable. It’s a bit like life. It’s statistically impossible to make the correct decisions all the time. Because some events are just utterly unpredictable.”

  “Tell me about it.” Gloria’s smile had weakened. “Does it attract a certain kind of woman? When you’re in the money business?” She seemed to quickly regroup.

  “You mean like hedge fund groupies?” Ash chuckled.

  “I’m probably imagining all sorts of things that aren’t real.” Gloria sipped from her drink. “Your job is probably the complete opposite of mine.”

  “You take care of sick people.” The snacks were brought to the table, cutting off what Ash meant to say next. Maybe it was for the best because she was about to say something sappy.

  Gloria reached for a piece of cheese immediately. “I barely had lunch. I meant to get a slice of carrot cake this afternoon, but time got away from me.” She held the piece of cheese in front of her mouth. “I’m really intrigued by you not eating all day. How do you do that? I could never.” She popped the chunk into her mouth.

  “You get used to it. Over the years, I’ve very slowly extended the hours of my fast. Now, it’s really no bother anymore. Except when I drink on an empty stomach. That’s a massive no-no.”

  “Over the years?” Gloria’s eyebrows jumped up. “How long have you been doing this?”

  “About five years now, I think. I started researching it not long after Charlotte and I got married.”

  “Did she join you?”

  “Charlotte?” Ash shook her head. “No way. It’s not for everyone. Charlotte needs her slice of toast in the morning and she considers not having lunch a huge wasted opportunity.” It was one of the things they’d fought about, but, all things considered, their different way of eating had only been a minor issue.

  “I think I might be with Charlotte on that.” Gloria pierced a piece of cheese with a toothpick.

  “You’re not alone.” Ash popped some cheese into her mouth. She was definitely hungry. But she had learnt to manage her hunger a long time ago.

  “Are you, um, getting over that? The divorce, I mean.” It was the first time that Gloria really hesitated when she spoke.

  Ash exhaled deeply. “Getting there, I guess.” She sipped from her drink again and wished even more fervently for a splash of real gin in it. “It’s just… hard to get rid of the feelings of guilt. Because I feel like it’s my fault. I can’t shake the feeling that if I’d tried a little harder, we would have made it. It’s easy enough to say that we had grown apart, but there’s a reason why two people who were previously nuts about each other suddenly don’t get along anymore. In our case, that reason was me. I fucked it all up and it has left a very bitter taste in my mouth.”

  “Why do you think you’re the one who fucked it up?”

  Ash hadn’t meant to swear, but she was relieved that Gloria didn’t mind her more colourful use of words.

  “It’s a very long story,” she said.

  “I have time and I’m interested.” Gloria leaned back but she also looked as if she’d just caught herself saying something she shouldn’t have. “But I don’t want to push you, Ash. I respect that you don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Does Mum talk about it with you?�
�� Ash asked, partly because she wanted to deflect and partly because she was curious about what her mother said to her friends about her daughter’s divorce.

  “She has mentioned it, of course. But she has never gone into any details. She’s just worried about you, I think. As any mother would be.”

  “A divorce is just so… It’s like failing at love. Because there was a time when we stood in front of the registrar all loved up, making silly promises for the rest of our lives, and it all felt so right at the time. And then it all falls apart and it’s just so gruelling, because not only was Charlotte my wife but she was also my best friend. She was the person who knew everything about me and liked me despite it all, and now she’s just gone from my life.”

  Ash paused, trying to formulate her thoughts. “The actual divorce was kind of a relief. A sort of full stop after all the agony we’d been putting each other through. But the aftermath has just been so painful. I lie awake at night thinking of all the times I could have made a better decision. When I could have said something nice to her instead of something mean or nasty. When I could have left work an hour earlier so we could have had a much-needed conversation. There are a lot of missed opportunities leading up to a divorce and sometimes it’s hard to deal with, because I just really feel like I could have done better as a wife.”

  “My gosh, Ash.” Gloria leaned over the table. “I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that.” She fixed her gaze on Ash. “That you’re still going through that.”

  Ash hadn’t really meant to be so forthcoming. Gloria seemed to have that effect on her. Maybe it was the kindness in her gaze. Or the softness of her smile. Maybe it was because Gloria was a nurse and there was something inherently healing about her.

  “I didn’t really mean to lay all that on you.”

  “Hey.” Gloria’s hand shot forwards on the table. “I asked for it.”

  Ash looked at Gloria’s hand. Her nails were painted a dark shade of red. “I feel the conversation has revolved around me way too much so far.” If Gloria ever got fed up with nursing, she should join the police force. She would make an excellent interrogator. She obviously knew how to catch people unawares.

  “Feel free to ask me anything you like.” Gloria had slanted back, her hand retreating with her. Had she intended to comfort Ash by putting a hand on her arm?

  “Anything?” Ash did have a burning question. “You’re sure?”

  “Well, if you’re going to put it like that, I’m not at all sure. But try me.”

  “Have you never drunk alcohol? Or did you stop more recently?” Ash vaguely remembered something her mother had said about Gloria joining Alcoholics Anonymous, but she didn’t know any of the details. And she had time and she was interested too.

  Gloria emptied the dregs of her drink, as though she needed some fake courage to tell the story. “After George died, I went through a bit of a dark period.” She paused. “We were both always heavy drinkers. Nothing untoward, but we could really tie one on when the mood struck us.” She briefly bit her bottom lip. “Then he died and I found myself drinking alone more and more. But I had two young children to take care of and a life to get on with. Even though, at first, it felt like I had died right alongside him. But I hadn’t. I was still alive and I couldn’t justify waking up hungover every other morning any longer. I had to live. If not for myself, then at least for my children. So I got some help. Joined AA. I’ve been sober for more than eight years now.”

  “That’s really impressive. To pull yourself together like that after such loss.”

  “When you have children, you really have no choice. My daughters had already lost their father.” She went quiet for a moment and Ash let the silence between them smooth the emotions that had visibly welled up. If she liked Gloria before, she now admired her even more for her strength. If only she could borrow some of it so she could put her divorce behind her once and for all.

  “Thanks.” Gloria took a deep breath. “I think I’m going to find the loo.”

  While Gloria was in the ladies’, Ash asked for the bill. She considered how open Gloria had been with her. And how easy it was to open up to her. Ash had to really rack her brain to find a moment in the recent past when she’d had a conversation like this. She loved Lewis, but they didn’t talk to each other like this. Lewis was there for her in a very different way. He offered light relief when things got too heavy. Gloria, on the other hand, coaxed her into facing herself in a way she’d probably been afraid to do since divorcing Charlotte. Maybe because Gloria had had her own grief to deal with.

  Just as Gloria returned to the table, the waitress brought the bill.

  “I’ll get that.” Ash handed over her credit card.

  “I take it you can afford it.” Gloria looked as though she had touched up her make-up. She also looked much more defiant than the woman who had just left to use the ladies’. She shot Ash a sly smile.

  “Tonight’s on me,” Ash said. “Let’s go eat.”

  Chapter Eight

  “Who’s your favourite singer?” Ash asked, as though they were teenagers on their very first date.

  “No way.” Gloria shook her head.

  “What? Why won’t you tell me?” Ash’s face was already pulled into too gleeful an expression. She had taken Gloria to a fancy Kashmiri restaurant that didn’t serve any alcohol.

  “Because, Ashley Cooper, when I look at you, with your blonde hipster haircut and your skinny jeans, I know for a fact that you’re going to mock my choice.”

  Ash pulled her lips into a pout. “You know that? How do you have that much knowledge?”

  “I noticed you and Adrian roll your eyes at the music played at your mother’s party. I think, musically, I belong more to the same generation as your parents.”

  “So? Excellent music has been made throughout the ages.” Ash filled both their glasses to the brim with sparkling water. If she was trying to make the point tonight that not drinking alcohol wasn’t a problem for her, she had surely succeeded.

  “Fine,” Gloria said. “I absolutely adore Celine Dion. In fact…” Gloria pursed her lips. “She’s going on a world tour this summer and I’m still gutted that I couldn’t get tickets for the London show.”

  “For the record,” Ash said, “I’m a little old to be called a hipster. I’m a forty-two-year old divorcee, although, granted, I don’t dress like one.” She grinned at Gloria again—that same disarming grin she’d been throwing around all evening. “But I did kind of miss the Celine Dion boat and I will admit that it’s hard for me to not be cheeky right now, but for you, Gloria, I will hold in all my cheek.”

  “Why, thank you. That is so very kind of you.”

  “It’s really no bother, you know.” Ash flashed her a proper smile now. “I can be quite a nice person. Very accommodating and all that. Respectful of others’ tastes and opinions.”

  “I’ve never understood why Celine Dion is so controversial. Objectively, not one single person on this planet can claim that she’s not a good singer.” Gloria had had to defend her Celine Dion fandom a few too many times in her life, most recently to her daughters, who insisted on listening to the most mind-boggling hip-hop music—if you could even call it music—in the car.

  “It’s just all a bit… overly sentimental, I guess. Maybe that’s what it is. Too over the top.”

  “So she’s not cool enough.” Gloria shrugged. “Once you’re over fifty, being cool really stops being of any concern at all.” Or once your husband dies and leaves you with two young girls to raise on your own.

  “Do you think I’m cool?” Ash asked.

  Gloria chuckled—and gladly pushed the previous thought from her mind. “I don’t know what the right answer is to that.”

  “There is no right or wrong answer.”

  “That haircut must have set you back a few bob,” Gloria joked, while wondering what Ash was really asking her. Did she want to know if Gloria liked her? Wasn’t it obvious already, because they were having di
nner together right now. Or maybe she was reading too much into it—again. Maybe part of her wanted Ash to wonder if Gloria liked her.

  “It’s not about a haircut, though, is it?” Ash leaned back—and she looked kind of cool as she did.

  Gloria ran a hand through her hair. Her unruly mop of curls that she didn’t know what to do with half the time. So she just kept it at the same length and let it fall where it may.

  “Is it even possible to be cut up about your divorce and be cool at the same time?” Gloria had no idea why that exact question had come out of her mouth. “Sorry. You don’t have to answer that.” She took a quick sip of water.

  “Strangely.” Ash seemed unperturbed by what Gloria had just said. “I was much cooler right after the divorce. At first, it was a relief. Because all the fighting was officially over and done with. That had ended when the relationship ended. The thought of being married to someone who doesn’t like you very much anymore is quite horrific. It all really seemed to hit me a few months after the fact. That it was all over and I’d lost Charlotte for good.” She swallowed hard. “I’m doing much better now, but, to answer your question, I’m not very cool about it yet. I guess it will take time. Who knows, maybe Char and I will be friends again one day.”

  “Any loss takes time,” Gloria said. “And even time is never enough. It may smooth out some of the rougher edges, but… It’s not like I still miss George’s presence every single day, but it can really creep up on me sometimes. I’m just going about my day and it hits me that I will never speak to him again, that I will never see him again, never put my head on his chest again, and a raw kind of pain slices through me all over again.”

  “Please don’t think I’m equating my divorce to the death of your husband,” Ash said. “It’s not the same.”

  “Oh, it’s very different. George’s dead, and I know that I can’t blame myself for that. But death is much more final than divorce, which is more painful in one way, but it also makes it easier. Because there’s nothing I can do to bring him back. It should make it easier to move on.”