If You Kiss Me Like That

by Harper Bliss

  A drive? What where they? Teenagers who had just got their driving licence? But Ash understood. As long as her daughters were home, Gloria’s house was partly off limits. They could hardly meet at Ash’s parents’ house for a private conversation either. She texted back that she’d be there.

  “Gloria?” her dad asked.

  Ash just nodded. It had all been a bit much this weekend. Telling her dad. Spending time with Gloria’s girls. Her mother now asking about Gloria in front of her father. Adrian quipping about it over Sunday lunch. These were all positives, in the grand scheme of things, but Ash needed some time to process. Watching the football with her dad beside her was a good way to do that. He wasn’t going to ask her any invasive questions about her love life—especially not while the game was still on.

  She thought about what he had said to her the day before, about how he and Ash’s mum had attended Gloria and George’s wedding.

  “Can I ask you something, Dad?” Ash kept looking at the screen, but from the corner of her eye she saw her father nod. “What was he like? George?”

  “George Young?” He sipped from his pint. “Decent bloke. Always up for a laugh. Could spin quite the yarn.”

  Ash glanced sideways at her father. She probably wasn’t going to get more out of him. There was no point comparing herself to Gloria’s deceased husband, either way.

  “Were you drinking buddies?” she tried.

  Her dad nodded. “That man could drink anyone under the table. Even me. If you can believe it.” He tore his gaze away from the match. “Are you worried about something?”

  Ash shook her head. “Just curious.”

  “You can never win against a dead man, Ash, but just like any of us, he was no saint. No one is.”

  Excited sounds on the TV snagged their attention. A Chelsea player was on his way to the goal. Her dad tensed beside her. The man in blue was tackled and the hope for a late equalising goal thwarted.

  “Bugger.”

  “They’re not exactly on a winning streak, are they?” Ash said.

  Her dad shrugged. “But they’re our team, so we support them.” He held up his glass to Ash, who clinked hers against it.

  They watched the rest of the match in silence. The score remained the same.

  “I feel like I’m getting just as intimately acquainted with your car as I am with you,” Ash said.

  “It’s well deserved on the part of my car. The old thing has served me well over the years.” Gloria caressed the steering wheel. “I needed to see you.”

  “For any particular reason?” Warmth bubbled beneath Ash’s skin already.

  “I missed you.” Gloria turned fully towards her. “And I won’t see you for another week.”

  “Says who?” Ash gazed into Gloria’s eyes. They were the lightest of blue.

  “Don’t tease me. I’m only getting my fresh HRT patch on Tuesday.” Gloria played with Ash’s fingers.

  “I could come to Murraywood one evening this week and have dinner with you and the girls. I’ll sleep at my parents’ house.” Ash looked at their intertwined hands. “I’d best get used to a spot of commuting.”

  “As long as you take the train and don’t borrow your friend’s car.”

  “Your near-hysterical reaction to my driving skills was greatly exaggerated, you do know that?” Ash was still a little offended by that. She just had a different driving style to Gloria’s—more sporty, less like mothers drive.

  “I would love for you to spend the evening. And who knows, the girls might be out.”

  “Were they suitably impressed with me after I left yesterday?” Ash joked.

  “I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when they discussed all things Ash Cooper in their room, but I wasn’t, and I’m not the sort of mother who eavesdrops on her daughters, so…” Gloria smiled. “But I think they liked you.” She grabbed a fistful of Ash’s shirt and pulled her closer. “What’s not to like?”

  Ash chuckled. “It seems we both made the mistake of projecting our inner worries onto our families. I guess I was using my parents as a way to avoid falling in love again.”

  “And I was using my daughters as an excuse too, in a way.” Gloria paused for a second. “Maybe there was a subconscious part of me that wasn’t as comfortable dating a woman as I thought. There’s a difference between theory and real life.” She pulled Ash even closer. “But any discomfort I might have felt is well and truly gone now.” She pressed her lips to Ash’s for a kiss that seemed to go on for minutes.

  Ash slowly pulled her lips away from Gloria’s. “When was the last time you had sex in a car?” She held Gloria’s gaze.

  “Probably before I was married.” Gloria’s lips lifted into a grin. “And never with a woman.”

  “Are you ready for another first time?”

  “Try to stop me now.” Gloria’s voice had lowered into a whisper. “You’re not packing by any chance?”

  “Packing?” Ash burst into a giggle. “Where did you hear that?”

  “I read it on some lesbian website,” Gloria said matter-of-factly. “Is that not how you say it?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never been in the habit of announcing that sort of thing in public.” Ash shook her head. “But no, it didn’t really seem like an appropriate prop to bring for the weekend.”

  Gloria found her ear. “Next time we meet like this, pack some heat, baby.” She lingered near Ash’s ear. Her breath was hot on Ash’s skin. Her lips touched down softly. Her tongue traced a moist line down Ash’s neck. “That thing you said a while back.” Gloria’s lips were back hovering over Ash’s ear. “About how you were falling in love with me?”

  Ash could only nod. Gloria’s hand had crawled underneath her shirt.

  Instead of lips, Ash felt Gloria’s teeth graze against her skin. “It’s safe to say I’m in love with you too.”

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Gloria straddled Ash in the too narrow car seat. Ash’s fingers were buried deep inside her. This really was transporting her back to her younger self, even though twenty-year-old Gloria would never have done this with another woman in a car parked in a secluded Murraywood alley. It would never even have occurred to her. Today, however, as soon as Ash had got into her car, she very quickly knew that this was going to happen. That there was only one way this was going to go. Being near Ash made Gloria hyperaware of her body, as though awakened after a long hibernation. Gloria was fully awake and always ravenous for Ash. The intensity with which she wanted Ash could knock her for six. But she was done wanting for a while. She was having all of Ash and then some.

  Gloria rode Ash’s fingers the way she had ridden that strap-on a few weeks ago. The bruises she incurred while bumping her arse against the dashboard and her knee into the handbrake, she would celebrate as victory marks later, alone in bed.

  She glanced down at Ash. Their gazes and their bodies locked to each other, Gloria thought about what she’d said to Ash earlier. She was in love with her. She’d done the falling already. She’d done that weeks ago. Because Gloria was not in the habit of wanting another human so fiercely while being unmoved by them. The truth was she’d fallen for Ash long before she was able and then willing to admit it to herself. And look at her now. This sneaking around in her car might make her feel like a younger version of herself, but Gloria would still turn fifty-five in August.

  She looked forward to it, not only because she would spend it with Ash, but also because all the pain, all the hurdles life had thrown at her, all the detours she’d had to take to arrive at this moment, had been worth it. Gloria wouldn’t be the person she was now, on the cusp of fifty-five, without all the valleys her life had been forced through. There was no doubt this was a massive peak, just as there was no doubt that more valleys would follow. Because that was how life was.

  But life was also this. Ash’s glorious fingers inside of her. Ash’s dark gaze on her. But most of all, how Ash made her feel. So full of life and desire. So hopeful for the future�
�a future with Ash by her side. It was hard to believe that it was the very image of that future that had almost scared her out of accepting her feelings. But that was another thing about life—it always took time. Just like it had taken years to blunt the hard edge of pain that had settled inside Gloria after George’s death, she had needed time to adjust to this. To Ash. To the fact that she was a woman. To her own desire getting away from her, forcing her to make decisions her common sense couldn’t always agree with.

  Gloria had gone on the date that couldn’t possibly be called a date back then. She’d gone to London for a weekend of ravishing Ash. She had done those things despite herself, or maybe just because she was herself. Because she was growing into this new version of herself. She’d needed Ash to break through the final barrier.

  And now, they were together. They were here. Gloria felt the now familiar heat rev up in her belly. She felt it as soon as she merely flicked her gaze at Ash. A fire of aliveness, sometimes of acute need. But all her needs were being met right now, because nothing else existed in the world for Gloria. It was just her and Ash. Intertwined. Ash coaxing pleasure from her. Gloria giving herself to Ash. Their bodies contorted in awkward positions just because they wanted this so much, because there was no other way for them to be in this moment but all over and inside each other.

  Gloria stilled herself and let Ash’s fingers take her there—as they had done so many times before. That, too, had changed her. It wasn’t just desire, it was the consistent meeting of that desire that made Gloria look at herself differently in the mirror. What she had at first lost because of all the insecurity and the doubts that came with falling in love with a woman, she had gained in confidence because of all the gifts her body—and Ash’s body—had bestowed upon her. She knew, down to her core, that it was no small thing for a woman her age to feel like this.

  Because of their surroundings, Gloria hadn’t expected it, but a tear rolled down her cheek as she came, as Ash found that spot inside her that tipped her over, that drove her a little bit madder while at the same time calming her down.

  Ash’s thumb was there to catch her tear. She licked it off her finger as she gazed up at Gloria.

  “I love you,” Gloria stammered. She breathed in deeply so she could say it again properly. It deserved to be expressed better. “I love you,” she repeated, and wrapped herself all over Ash.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  A Few Months Later

  A few weeks ago, Alan had told Gloria he saw a touch of Ash in Sally, even though, of course, they were not genetically related. Maybe what he was really trying to say was that he saw a bit of himself reflected when he interacted with Sally. He treated both girls as though they were his granddaughters by blood and, at times, he seemed almost as sad as Gloria that Sally was leaving for Australia in a few short weeks.

  Adrian was manning the barbecue. Lizzie looked completely enthralled by something Sindhu was saying. Mary poured wine for herself and a few others who needed a top-up.

  Where was Ash? Gloria cast her gaze around the garden. Maybe she was fetching something from inside the house. Gloria’s eyes landed on Sally again, who was sitting a little forlornly at the other end of the table. Maybe she was having seconds thoughts. No, that would be the kind of wishful thinking Gloria didn’t allow herself as a mother. She wanted her girls to do whatever they wanted, within the realm of possibility, of course. When Sally had first told Gloria about her dream to take a gap year so far abroad, Gloria hadn’t considered it within that realm. Until Sally and Janey had formed an alliance with Ash and, together, they had soon become a triple threat to Gloria’s sanity.

  In the end, Gloria had set aside her motherly pride and let Ash pay for a couple of things towards Sally’s gap year. Although it wasn’t just a matter of pride. More than that, it was a matter of letting Ash into the intimate circle Gloria and her daughters had constructed since George’s death. Taking money from Ash was more a symbolic gesture than anything else.

  Gloria spotted Ash in the kitchen doorway. She was trying to beckon Sally inside. It was Gloria’s birthday party, after all. It would be foolish of her to assume Ash and the girls hadn’t been up to something behind her back. Sally had finally caught Ash’s drift and hurried inside.

  “Here it comes.” Fiona elbowed Gloria softly in the arm.

  Gloria looked at the door again. The three of them walked out of the house carrying a giant cake with a picture of something made in icing on top. From where she was sitting, Gloria couldn’t make out what the picture was.

  “Happy birthday to you,” everyone was singing.

  Gloria rose. Her heart swelled. There had been a few unexpected additions to the family since her last birthday. As in-laws, the Coopers were quite full-on. On a few occasions, Gloria had even found herself doing the school run for Ash’s nephews, what with them living around the corner from her. Ash had all but moved in. The lease on her flat in the City would soon be up. For a brief moment, they’d considered keeping it so they could go on a last-minute trip to London whenever they wanted, but, in the end, the cost was too ridiculous for a single mother who had pinched her pennies for such a long time to even consider. Besides, Ash always seemed so much happier in Murraywood, surrounded by her extended family.

  “Happy birthday, dear Gloria. Happy birthday to you!” Everyone stood around the table now, clapping. The cake was huge with candles all around the edges. The picture on the cake was one of Gloria and her girls with a plane in the background and the shape of Australia drawn beneath it. This image puzzled Gloria. Surely, no one in their right mind would think presenting the birthday cake was a great occasion to rub it in that Sally was leaving so shortly after Gloria’s fifty-fifth birthday.

  “Here you go, Mum.” Sally offered her a small rectangular box. “This is from the three of us.”

  The three of us. When one of her daughters said something like that, Gloria could hardly believe it. Her family was back to being a foursome now.

  Gloria tore off the ribbon and removed the lid from the box. There was an envelope inside, which she opened as quickly as her fumbling fingers would allow.

  From the envelope, she unearthed three plane tickets to Sydney. She checked the date. Departure on the twenty-first of December.

  “No way.” She glanced at Ash who had the biggest smirk on her face Gloria had ever seen—and Ash had proved quite skilled at smirking. “We’re going for Christmas?”

  “The three of us,” Janey said, referring to yet another constellation of their family. “To see Sally.” Her voice was bursting with excitement.

  “The Coopers have been briefed,” Mary said, a smile in her voice. “We’ll have an early Christmas party before you take off.”

  Alan had come up behind her. “No one deserves it more than you, Gloria,” he said.

  Oh Christ. Tears stung behind Gloria’s eyes. She wasn’t going to cry in front of her family and friends. She bit them back. But when Ash came up to her and threw her arms around Gloria, a few tears escaped from her eyes anyway.

  “Happy birthday, my love,” Ash said.

  “You’re going to have to stop spoiling me soon,” Gloria said through her tears. “I might get used to it.”

  “Wait until you find out what I have planned for our private celebration,” Ash whispered. “I’m not done spoiling you yet.”

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  “There were nights of endless pleasure,” Gloria shouted in Ash’s ear. Ash grinned and turned to her, but Gloria had her gaze locked on the stage again. She’d been near ecstatic since they’d arrived at The O2.

  Ash had driven them to London, in the car that she now owned to commute between work and Murraywood on the days when she didn’t want to take the train—with herself safely and skilfully behind the wheel, thank you very much. She had told Gloria they were having dinner with Lewis and Jonathan in the City, but really, Ash had secretly scored tickets to the Celine Dion concert Gloria had been moping about missing since they’d
had their very first meal together. In Ash’s business, it was easy enough to know a guy who knew another guy who could arrange last minute VIP seats to a sold-out event. Connections like that were one of the perks of being in finance.

  “Jesus,” Lewis shouted in her other ear. “Your woman is going mad.”

  “I know.” Ash grinned at her friend. “I scored big time tonight.”

  “Are you sure she’s not a gay man trapped in a middle-aged woman’s body?” He quipped. “A very shapely body, of course,” he added with a wink.

  Ash shook her head. Lewis could make his jokes all he wanted. Ash was having the time of her life as well. She was here with Gloria and her best friend. Gloria’s hand firmly intertwined with hers. During the time they’d been together, Ash hadn’t had much choice but to appreciate Celine Dion’s discography. She was enjoying the concert and the company and all the prospects the future held for her—for them.

  “Do you know who else is here tonight, darling?” Lewis really couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Ash wished that he would keep quiet just this once as she was enjoying the song, which she and Gloria sometimes—jokingly or not, Ash wasn’t sure—referred to as ‘their song’.

  “Charlotte and her new woman. Apparently, Gretchen’s very fond of Celine as well.”

  Unlike a few months ago, Ash didn’t flinch any longer when her ex-wife’s name was mentioned. She couldn’t react to it entirely stoically yet, but she would get there at some point. Or maybe she wouldn’t. Because Charlotte would always be her ex-wife, but that didn’t mean Ash had to suffer every time she came up in conversation.

  “Good for her,” Ash said. “How do you know?”

  “Instagram, darling.” He pulled a face as if wanting to assure Ash that he and Charlotte were not on speaking terms and wouldn’t be as long as Ash didn’t expressly give him permission.